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So, I feel like I'm emotionally "checked-out" from my marriage. The thing is, though, is that this isn't new. In fact, it's something I've been dealing with a for a very long time, way long before I got married. I met her while I was living abroad in Asia. The wife (then fiancee) and I were apart for couple years while I got her a visa to come over, and I remember not so much missing her as feeling kind of relieved to be apart. I remember the best summer I had was when I had taken an intensive summer course at a local university which cut down on our Skype time, and basically let me be virtually single. There were several times before she came over that I felt like breaking it off, but decided against it mainly because: A) I would feel like I failed, B) I was afraid that I would never find someone else who reciprocate my affection (which I realize is total bull****),
C) I was afraid of hurting her feelings, which obviously would be inevitable. D) I naive enough to think that her liking me would be enough and everything else would sort of work itself out.
As I've gotten older and ever since I started actually working in a healthcare setting, I find that, in general, it's made me more assertive (or at least not a wuss). The side effect of that is that I've become much more expressive in what it is I want out of our relationship, and there are several things where I just feel unsatisfied and where we don't connect. I don't expect her to be perfect or go down and check off a list of things that would want out of an ideal partner, but I feel like anytime I raise these issues she will explain it away as some non-negotiable cultural difference, or some facet of her personality that can't be changed.
I don't mean to pin these issues entirely on her, since I know it takes two to tango, and I have to do my part and put in effort to make it work, but feel like we're hitting up against some peculiarities that are difficult to negotiate. On my part, a lot of it are certain traits that I value highly in another person. I don't like being shallow or selfish, but there are certain things that I just find attractive in someone that the wife simply doesn't have.
I really highly value education, in particular I really find someone with an degree in some scientific or technical field to be very attractive. I know that might sound kind of stupid, but I find it a constant source of frustration that my wife doesn't at least have a bachelor's degree. The wife and I have talked about her going to college and getting a degree, but I realize I can't really command her to do anything, nor should I expect her to since she's her own person. She does what she wants and is independent in her actions, which I highly admire and at the same time leads to one of those sources of frustration.
I also really want someone who shares some of my hobbies. I really like hiking, and just traveling and meandering through different places. I like trying new outdoorsy things. I love kayaking, camping, running 5ks, and playing sports of all kinds. I'm into board games of all sorts and am a recovering gaming addict (mostly RTS's and FPS's, sometimes RPGs) as well as recovering anime addict. The wife, OTOH, is not really into outdoor activities, gaming, or animated anything. The last two I don't care so much about, but the first one leads to some frustration since I always feel like I'm out and about on my own doing these things. She does like to travel, which is where we find some common ground, but I feel like we have different goals in how like to spend our time traveling. She's also much more into staying at a high-end hotel and doesn't like getting her hands dirty much.
She also has an irrational fear of most animals, while I love them, which jibes against me wanting to have pets.
A big source of frustration is that she hasn't been able to get steady employment, perhaps partly because she has an associate's degree in general business studies from a small foreign college. I feel like I've become super cheap and I'm constantly worrying about our finances. I worry about how we'll get along with my being a student (med school), and her averaging only 15 hours/week, although it does pay well on a per hour basis (20/hour). She doesn't have a driver's license and doesn't care to drive. She insists on moving someplace with public transportation. I worry that she will be dependent on me to get around or go anywhere unless we live in a large metropolitan area.
The other thing that leads to frustration is the language barrier. I met her while living abroad, but now four years later my language skills are a bit crap. Unfortunately, her English ability isn't that great either. There were free lessons at a local library and cheap classes at a local college, but she didn't want to go as my mother also expressed in going together. Which leads to another point of stress, which is that my parents aren't particularly fond of her, and this has lead to quite a few arguments between myself and my parents, which in turn has completely stressed my relationship with my parents. My parents were (are) against our marriage, and they offered several reasons for why they didn't think it was good idea (no readily employable skills, no plan for what she wants to do). In retrospect, I feel that their reasoning was actually solid, though at the time I took it as a personal challenge and now I bear a fair amount of resentment, perhaps in part because I feel like they were right.
The worst part is that all of this is totally hampering our sex life, or at least mine. I'm not really feeling an emotional connection when we have sex. It feels sort of mechanical. I'm not expecting porn star sex (in fact, I'm not really into that so much, usually). This is another issue that is sort of old, and I've been growing increasingly urgent and insistent in talking about. The wife, though, is difficult to talk to when it comes to sexual issues. I'm very open, while she is very conservative when it comes this. I'm not sure if we just aren't particularly sexually compatible or if this is something can even be "fixed" or negotiated. Sorry if this is totally TMI.
Sorry for the long post. I have talked with the wife multiple times about all of these things. I don't know if these issues will ever be resolved. I feel like I should keep trying, but TBH, I'm starting to get emotionally exhausted. To complicate things, I've developed a crush on a classmate who pretty much fits my profile of what I want out an ideal partner. She doesn't know, and I don't plan on telling her. Ever. But I feel like the infatuation is a symptom of all the above mentioned frustrations.
I'm not really sure what to do from here on out, and although I have seriously contemplated divorce recently, it scares the **** out of me. Even worse, is that the wife generally feels like the marriage is total solid.
TL;DR I feel like I completely ****ed up in handling my relationship, married someone incompatible, and now I'm in an emotional torture chamber contemplating divorce.
C) I was afraid of hurting her feelings, which obviously would be inevitable. D) I naive enough to think that her liking me would be enough and everything else would sort of work itself out.
As I've gotten older and ever since I started actually working in a healthcare setting, I find that, in general, it's made me more assertive (or at least not a wuss). The side effect of that is that I've become much more expressive in what it is I want out of our relationship, and there are several things where I just feel unsatisfied and where we don't connect. I don't expect her to be perfect or go down and check off a list of things that would want out of an ideal partner, but I feel like anytime I raise these issues she will explain it away as some non-negotiable cultural difference, or some facet of her personality that can't be changed.
I don't mean to pin these issues entirely on her, since I know it takes two to tango, and I have to do my part and put in effort to make it work, but feel like we're hitting up against some peculiarities that are difficult to negotiate. On my part, a lot of it are certain traits that I value highly in another person. I don't like being shallow or selfish, but there are certain things that I just find attractive in someone that the wife simply doesn't have.
I really highly value education, in particular I really find someone with an degree in some scientific or technical field to be very attractive. I know that might sound kind of stupid, but I find it a constant source of frustration that my wife doesn't at least have a bachelor's degree. The wife and I have talked about her going to college and getting a degree, but I realize I can't really command her to do anything, nor should I expect her to since she's her own person. She does what she wants and is independent in her actions, which I highly admire and at the same time leads to one of those sources of frustration.
I also really want someone who shares some of my hobbies. I really like hiking, and just traveling and meandering through different places. I like trying new outdoorsy things. I love kayaking, camping, running 5ks, and playing sports of all kinds. I'm into board games of all sorts and am a recovering gaming addict (mostly RTS's and FPS's, sometimes RPGs) as well as recovering anime addict. The wife, OTOH, is not really into outdoor activities, gaming, or animated anything. The last two I don't care so much about, but the first one leads to some frustration since I always feel like I'm out and about on my own doing these things. She does like to travel, which is where we find some common ground, but I feel like we have different goals in how like to spend our time traveling. She's also much more into staying at a high-end hotel and doesn't like getting her hands dirty much.
She also has an irrational fear of most animals, while I love them, which jibes against me wanting to have pets.
A big source of frustration is that she hasn't been able to get steady employment, perhaps partly because she has an associate's degree in general business studies from a small foreign college. I feel like I've become super cheap and I'm constantly worrying about our finances. I worry about how we'll get along with my being a student (med school), and her averaging only 15 hours/week, although it does pay well on a per hour basis (20/hour). She doesn't have a driver's license and doesn't care to drive. She insists on moving someplace with public transportation. I worry that she will be dependent on me to get around or go anywhere unless we live in a large metropolitan area.
The other thing that leads to frustration is the language barrier. I met her while living abroad, but now four years later my language skills are a bit crap. Unfortunately, her English ability isn't that great either. There were free lessons at a local library and cheap classes at a local college, but she didn't want to go as my mother also expressed in going together. Which leads to another point of stress, which is that my parents aren't particularly fond of her, and this has lead to quite a few arguments between myself and my parents, which in turn has completely stressed my relationship with my parents. My parents were (are) against our marriage, and they offered several reasons for why they didn't think it was good idea (no readily employable skills, no plan for what she wants to do). In retrospect, I feel that their reasoning was actually solid, though at the time I took it as a personal challenge and now I bear a fair amount of resentment, perhaps in part because I feel like they were right.
The worst part is that all of this is totally hampering our sex life, or at least mine. I'm not really feeling an emotional connection when we have sex. It feels sort of mechanical. I'm not expecting porn star sex (in fact, I'm not really into that so much, usually). This is another issue that is sort of old, and I've been growing increasingly urgent and insistent in talking about. The wife, though, is difficult to talk to when it comes to sexual issues. I'm very open, while she is very conservative when it comes this. I'm not sure if we just aren't particularly sexually compatible or if this is something can even be "fixed" or negotiated. Sorry if this is totally TMI.
Sorry for the long post. I have talked with the wife multiple times about all of these things. I don't know if these issues will ever be resolved. I feel like I should keep trying, but TBH, I'm starting to get emotionally exhausted. To complicate things, I've developed a crush on a classmate who pretty much fits my profile of what I want out an ideal partner. She doesn't know, and I don't plan on telling her. Ever. But I feel like the infatuation is a symptom of all the above mentioned frustrations.
I'm not really sure what to do from here on out, and although I have seriously contemplated divorce recently, it scares the **** out of me. Even worse, is that the wife generally feels like the marriage is total solid.
TL;DR I feel like I completely ****ed up in handling my relationship, married someone incompatible, and now I'm in an emotional torture chamber contemplating divorce.
