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Even if you can't offer advice, I am having some major panic attacks because of this, and need some reassurance or guidance.
I know it's long, and I am sorry, I just want to give you guys a full picture for some input.
I am a 23 year old male. Graduated from the University of Florida in June 2010 with two bachelors degrees. One in Biology and one in Psychology.
My AMCAS calculated GPA
Freshmen running
Overall 3.074
BCPM 3.067
Sophomore running
Overall 3.27
BCPM 3.20
Junior running
Overall 3.27
BCPM 3.27
Senior running
Overall 3.45
BCPM 3.35
This is some background to give you an idea of where I am coming from, and what led me to the problem I am facing now... If you are willing to help me with some advice, but refuse to read all of it, you can skip this, I guess.
Time line (you will see a pattern of indecisiveness and 'settling').
If I switch out of the PhD program, I defiantly lose my stipend support starting Fall next year. There is a chance; they will not bring me on as a GTA Spring and Summer next semester. Meaning I could lose my stipend support for the rest of this year. I can take out student loans (I already am offered 10,000$ for Spring semester from Federal loans). I am also considering the fact that I may need to get a job, before I take the chance at giving up my stipend.
Any advice on dropping down from a PhD program to a non research masters program, giving up my stipend/ tuition support, to give myself free time to try and get into medical school over this next year while removing the stressful research that is slowly killing me.
I feel like I made a total mistake coming to this PhD program, knowing full well, I still wanted to go to medical school. I let me laziness and poor grades turn me away from something I enjoyed. (as little of it as there was, I really enjoyed my time shadowing that physician, and I really enjoyed volunteering in the ER). I truly hope the ADHD diagnosis and treatment can put me in a position to earn a respectable score on the MCAT, so I can apply this upcoming June. I want to take the MCAT in April. That is right at the time when I would be doing my 3rd rotation, and have to decide whether or not I want to stay in the PhD program, or switch. I would have very little time to prepare for the MCAT and do things required of me to even have a shot at getting into medical school (shadow a physician and get more clinical experience) if I stay in these rotations. If I say "I want to just go research masters" all I do is get out of the rotations, but I am still in research. It's just with one professor for a extended period of time, instead of two more.
I am trying to weight out whether or not I am making a good decision. I am trying to minimize any negative repercussions.
Options
Regardless, if I switch from PhD to non research masters now, I have a chance at losing my support from the school. I could probably make due with loans or maybe find a job making use of my psychology and biology degrees. Regardless I think switching now is the best option as I salvage a lot of my time back, I can prepare for applying to medical school, which may actually work because now I am medicated, and I would no longer be under the stress from the rotations (which includes beyond boring bench work, and so much journal reading for journal clubs). I have no problem reading and understanding a journal but, 120+ pages two times a week is killing me.
I try to look at things from a positive side.. I did get some teaching experience (and I assume leadership come with that) from teaching. I got another 3 months of research experience, and a real project with results that may end up being published. (More likely, they will just redo the experiment with more subjects). I also should get a good LOR from my first research PI who is a practicing physician (MD PhD) who does translational research. He knows I work hard (he doesn't know how much I hate the work) and like the subject. I always came prepared when I met with him. I have probably read ~ 70 journal articles over the last 2.5 months to develop a understanding of the subject he studies. Being here also pushed me into finally getting treated for ADHD, and I was given the opportunity to become a director in a youth outreach organization. So it wasn't all bad. I just need to make this switch, and do what I really want to do with my life. I know it's hard and maybe impossible at this point, but I can't do what I am doing here. I have to cop out with a masters, and I think taking the non research route (even though I lose my financial support) it is the best option.
Like I said, I spent 5 years in undergrad. My overall GPA is pretty much fixed (because of how many hours I took). I did show a slight improvement in my GPA since freshmen year.
I did the math, if I was to take 30 credit hours of undergraduate BCPM classes, and got straight A's I would be able to up my overall GPA to 3.53 and my BCPM GPA to 3.50.
Is giving up my financial support, taking the risk of having to live off of loans for another year and a half, to relive the stress this programs research parameter is causing me and give myself more time to actually prepare for the MCAT, and do some of the EC things I need to do to have a shot at medical school, worth it?
I don't know how bad it is going to look, if the schools I apply to see I dropped from a PhD program, but I honestly feel like, I thought I would enjoy this, but realized I didn't. Even though I switched out, I put in good solid work (I will have a LOR).
I know it's long, I just need some advice. I realize probably nobody will read it. My heart rate has jumped up and been sitting at around 95-100 the entire week. I have gotten sick like 6 times since I started having doubts about finishing the PhD program. The stress is going to kill me. I want to minimize the damage I cause to myself and my future from this obvious mistake though. I want to make the most of the situation and move on, even though that means I may end up having to live off of loans for another year and a half.
I know it's long, and I am sorry, I just want to give you guys a full picture for some input.
I am a 23 year old male. Graduated from the University of Florida in June 2010 with two bachelors degrees. One in Biology and one in Psychology.
My AMCAS calculated GPA
Freshmen running
Overall 3.074
BCPM 3.067
Sophomore running
Overall 3.27
BCPM 3.20
Junior running
Overall 3.27
BCPM 3.27
Senior running
Overall 3.45
BCPM 3.35
This is some background to give you an idea of where I am coming from, and what led me to the problem I am facing now... If you are willing to help me with some advice, but refuse to read all of it, you can skip this, I guess.
Time line (you will see a pattern of indecisiveness and 'settling').
- I started college as a Biology major planning on getting into medical school. I didn't realize how hard it was at that point. I did rather poorly my freshman year as you can see from my grades. I have excuses, many of the classes I didn't show up for, I didn't do what was asked of me (assignments), I didn't study for the big test classes, and I was severely unprepared for "composition 1". I was producing F work at the start, but I improved to earn a B+ in the class. (I got an A in Comp 2). I had bad habits from high school which I carried over to college. Constantly oversleeping classes. Please know, I fixed all of those problems. I also have/had ADHD, which caused me so many problems on tests, and assignments. I would constantly make careless mistakes and read questions to quickly, missing important parts like the word "not". I was also VERY lazy. I didn't party or drink or do many of the things normal college students did, but I had no motivation to go out and volunteer. I refused to even try to get a job. So lazy…
- I took general chemistry (5 hour class) over the summer. That was hell. Constant careless mistakes and no study method. I ended up getting a B.
- Sophomore year, Fall rolled around, and I made minor improvements. At this point, I had decided to transfer to a different 4 year university. I was currently at USF. I still had terrible study techniques, and I constantly overslept morning classes. ADHD, crushed me on standardized exams and I was still lazy. I managed to pick myself up and go and volunteer at a Hospital ER. I ended up getting ~ 70 volunteer hours there. I took Calc 1, and got a C+. (I didn't study and made so many mistakes on the tests).
- I asked them to confer an AA and I transferred to UF. Same major, Chemistry.
- I signed up for two summer classes (Genetics and Organic Chemistry). I ended up withdrawing for Organic Chemistry, because I had yet to fix any kind of drive to study. I didn't study, for any classes, really ever. That didn't work for Organic chemistry and it hit me like a sack of bricks, and I ended up getting a high D on the first exam, which curved up to a B or something. I don't remember. So I withdrew from Organic chemistry. I stayed in Genetics, but still, did average, and got a B+. I knew the material, just from retention from class and reading the slides (I never ever sat down and "studied"). On the tests, "trick questions" and quick reading (symptoms of ADHD), kept me from getting a score that reflected my understanding. At this point, I finally got motivated, because I realized time to apply was fast approaching, so I joined AED, and I joined a small tutoring organization, where I spend a hour or two a week, holding office hours and tutoring students. I barley made it past the GPA restrictions for both, (3.2) at the time. Fall rolled around, and I took Organic Chemistry and Physics at the same time. I also took a upper level Biology course and Spanish. I got an A in Organic Chemistry (I started to "learn" how to study), a B in Physics, a C+ in Spanish and a B+ in the biology class. Spanish crushed me, because of the way the grading was setup. Everything was based on at home assignments, which I was too lazy to do. I missed a good 10% of my grade just from missed assignments. Plus the teacher sucked. The next semester came, Organic chemistry 2 (B+) Physics 2 (B) and an A- in Spanish. I also took Bio Statistics and got an A. That ended up dropping my overall GPA down. Somehow my BCPM GPA went up, but overall went down. 4 hour Spanish class C+… I spent the entire semester doing things in AED, and tutoring. I also contacted a professor I took a class with my Fall semester, and asked about doing research. He had me work in his lab, off the books for this semester. I enjoyed it, and he offered me a research seat. (He studied a strain of HIV). Now I realized I was way behind on applying to medical school. I hadn't even started studying for the MCAT.
- Summer senior year rolled around, and I started doing real research in the lab. My first senior year, I did on par with the rest of my grades. Got a 3.3 GPA. I had realized my GPA was very low, and I had little ECs that Medical school wasn't an option. Being lazy, I thought of alternative routes, and planed on graduate school. I then realized how little they are paid, so I thought law school. I went to the law advisor, talked to him, and signed up for the LSAT. I got a few books for it, and studied a little, but not really. I ended up getting a 165 on the LSAT, and sent out a few applications. I got a LOR from my research PI and my Organic Chem 1 teacher. I got into a few law schools, but had a change of heart. I decided to stay at UF a extra year, and take the MCAT in May and apply. Most of that jumping around occurred between the summer and early fall. I signed up for a MCAT course in November, and took it till June. I was so lazy, and didn't do any practice tests, I only did maybe 10% of the practice problems, and skipped a lot of the classes. I took the MCAT and did really poorly. A 25. Now this was in May when I took it. I had started summer classes and got my MCAT score. The stress was clearly getting to me, I ended up gaining ~ 70 lbs. I was up to 240 lbs. About the research, I ended up doing 3 full semesters of research. One unofficial, and two official. My first semester was Spring of my Junior year, then I did Summer my 4th year, then I did Fall my fouth year. At that point, I was done with the research and I was offered a lab tech / manager position in the lab. It was rather strange how it was conferred. The post doc said, "you want to be a lab manager". At first I didn't want to. I was getting tired of research. She told me it was paid, and the hours required. I eventually accepted. I did that for an entire semester then stopped.
- When I got my MCAT scores, I had already started my 5th year at the school, and decided I could take enough Psychology classes to get a second degree in Psychology. Figured that was the best option, other than just taking classes for no degree. My plans were shot. Medical school wasn't an option with that MCAT score, and things were tough as is with low GPA and lack of ECs and clinical experience, and it was either finish off this year and try to study for the MCAT again next May. I decided against it. I had finally caved and said, I'll settle for a PhD. I took the GRE, and did well enough to get into a mid tier PhD program in Neuroscience. I finished off my 5th year, still tutoring (did that every semester), active in AED (no leadership) and I shadowed one physician for 35 hours (basically matched his schedule, came in when he came in, and left when he left for an entire week). I also took on a undergraduate research position in a Clinical psychology lab my Fall and Spring semester of my 5th year. Now, over this fifth year, taking only Psychology classes, I ended up pulling a 4.0GPA Summer, Fall and Spring. What I think happened was, at the end of my 4th year, I took Biochemistry, and fell into a very effective study method. Now, at the beginning of Biochem, I pulled only B's on the tests, but I started studying with this new method half way through and all the other grades were A's. I got a B+. I used that study method in all my Psychology classes over my 5th year, and did phenomenal. I was top five in almost every class, with class size of >100. For the first time in college, I was actually getting emails from teachers, asking me directly if I wanted to work in their lab and do research, citing my work in the class. So like I said, I took the GRE (didn't do too well, because of the ADHD) and lack of study (got a 1130), asked for LORs from my Biology research PI, a post doc I worked with, and a Biomedical physics professor I ended up getting first in his class in. I am not sure how it happened, but while interviewing, after asking myself, how did I even get an interview here with my low GPA and low GRE. Two separate interviewers said, "your LORs were excellent, and you made a very good decision with who you asked". I was accepted to a few schools, all offered stipend. Nothing special there. It looked good. I would get paid, to get a PhD. I took the summer off from school and worked for my father. So at this point, I had two bachelors degrees (Biology and Psychology, minor in Chemistry and Physics), Three semesters of tutoring undergraduates, 5 semesters of research (3 in a Biology wet lab, 2 in a clinical psychology lab), a semester of working as a lab tech/ manager. 70 Hours of volunteering in a ER. 35 hours of shadowing experience. I also did several short term volunteering things like relay for life and events for AED. I did end up getting some leadership (I think) my last semester at UF, when, given the fact that I was in the tutoring organization for 3 years, and it is the departments "official undergraduate organization" and I became well known by the advisers and department director, that they recruited me to sit on the academic dishonesty and grade review board.
- The summer went by, and I started graduate school. I started off fine, found some really good labs to rotate in, and made myself look good to the PIs. The first lab I rotated in, even told the program director he was really pleased with how I was performing in the lab. I also contacted the local youth outreach program and they recruited me to be a program director. (I assume it had something to do with my Psychology degree, but I don't know). So I am a director in that right now. I have been doing three months of research in my first PIs lab. He does translational research with Parkinsons disease. I had a major change in heart. I originally took the PhD seat, PLANNING on going to medical school when I got out. I realized that was highly suggested against. I didn't heed the warnings.
- I started to crack around 3 weeks into November when I started rotating. I realized this was a very backwards way at getting into medical school. The scheduling here is so intense, it is tearing me apart. I am under so much stress, I am actually in physical pain. I am up at 6:30 every morning and in class at 7:00. I am either taking a class, or am teaching one, but regardless I am on campus in a class from 7-10am, then I hop in my car, and drive 20 minutes to my first rotation PI's lab. I usually have to eat crackers while I am driving, because I don't get time to stop because I have to be in his lab a minimum of 25 hours a week. I am there till 5pm every day, at which point I come home. I usually go to the gym after that (remember I said I gained a bunch of weight, I ended up losing most of that while I was pulling straight A's in my 5th year). Maybe the exercise helped I don't know. I run almost 30 miles a week now, so I am in the gym for a good hour and half every day. I then come home and study, or head up to the outreach office and do work there. I usually can't finish my work (reading around 10 full length journal articles a week, experimental design, studying for the cumulative class first year students have to take). I am being crushed. Not only that, but I don't want to do research. I like the topic, of studying Parkinson's disease, and I like to read about it, but I am miserable doing the research.
- I decided (only 3 weeks into the rotations in the program) that I want out of the PhD program. I was planning on trying medical school again anyway and thought a PhD would guarantee me entrance. I called the program director and talked to him. He told me, switching out of the PhD program to the masters program could result in my losing my assistantship next year. I was given a GTA when I came here, and I teach a couple lab classes ~ 15 hours a week. I didn't like the possibility of losing my GTA, and he and I came up with the plan to finish off the year, then in June make a decision to switch to the masters program. There are two masters programs here, one with research and one without. The one with research comes with a chance at getting a stipend. I became dependent on my stipend. It is my living. I was having a hard time focusing in the lab, so I finally went to a psychiatrist and was tested for ADHD. He found I had it, and prescribed me medication to treat it. The effects have been outstanding. I feel so much better with them. When I am under the meds effect, I lose that "laziness" and I can actually focus for more than 15 minutes. After talking to the program director, I hunkered down and endured for another month and a half. I kept doing good work for my first rotation PI. As much as it was killing me, I was fulfilling my obligations to him, myself (volunteering) and the school (classes and teaching). I am only getting around 4-5 hours of sleep a night now because of this. The thing is, I am planning on starting to study for the MCAT in November, or December and taking it 4 months later. I think with my medication I can conquer the task of studying for it, and performing well on it.
- I recently went to talk to my second rotation PI, and found out, he is going to demand even more from me. 35+ hours in the lab a week, reading ~ 6 journals and preparing a presentation for my article two times a week for journal club. I smiled and took it trying to make myself look good. But I snapped inside. I realized I can't do another rotation, doing research (which I hate), spending all this time, on something I don't want to do (get a PhD), when all I really want to do is go to medical school. The only reason I am still in the PhD program now is the money. At first I thought I would just drop down to research masters and maybe get a stipend and get a masters, but I can't stand the research. Plus I am going to have to study for the MCAT.
- I feel like my best option is to, call the program director and tell him, I want out of the PhD program, I can't finish the rotations, and go non thesis. He mentioned that this was an option when I first talked to him, when I told him, "I don't think I want to do research as a career". He told me, "if you are sure you want out, you don't have to finish the rotations". The stress is killing me. No free time, to even crack a MCAT book. The only reason I was able to type this up, is because I was told I didn't need to come into the lab today, because they were moving a lot of the stuff. I feel like, if I am going to go try and take advantage of my new found grasp on life that this medication to treat my ADHD has given me, I can't be obligated to carry out 35 hours of research in the lab, and another 20-30 hours of work at home just to prepare for 4 hour journal clubs. I like the science behind it, but I can't continue to spend hours pipetting, further reducing my chances at getting into medical school.
If I switch out of the PhD program, I defiantly lose my stipend support starting Fall next year. There is a chance; they will not bring me on as a GTA Spring and Summer next semester. Meaning I could lose my stipend support for the rest of this year. I can take out student loans (I already am offered 10,000$ for Spring semester from Federal loans). I am also considering the fact that I may need to get a job, before I take the chance at giving up my stipend.
Any advice on dropping down from a PhD program to a non research masters program, giving up my stipend/ tuition support, to give myself free time to try and get into medical school over this next year while removing the stressful research that is slowly killing me.
I feel like I made a total mistake coming to this PhD program, knowing full well, I still wanted to go to medical school. I let me laziness and poor grades turn me away from something I enjoyed. (as little of it as there was, I really enjoyed my time shadowing that physician, and I really enjoyed volunteering in the ER). I truly hope the ADHD diagnosis and treatment can put me in a position to earn a respectable score on the MCAT, so I can apply this upcoming June. I want to take the MCAT in April. That is right at the time when I would be doing my 3rd rotation, and have to decide whether or not I want to stay in the PhD program, or switch. I would have very little time to prepare for the MCAT and do things required of me to even have a shot at getting into medical school (shadow a physician and get more clinical experience) if I stay in these rotations. If I say "I want to just go research masters" all I do is get out of the rotations, but I am still in research. It's just with one professor for a extended period of time, instead of two more.
I am trying to weight out whether or not I am making a good decision. I am trying to minimize any negative repercussions.
Options
- Staying in the PhD program till June then switching out to research masters, allows me to keep my stipend (18,000$, plus insurance) I get another 6 months of research experience, guaranteed another semester of teaching experience. But I lose a good 60+ hours from my week. There is a chance I get a stipend the next year, because I do research in a lab. There is a chance the PI can't afford me, and I have to pay myself anyway.
- Note, I hate the research, and I am miserable doing it.
- Staying in the PhD program till June then switching to non research masters. Everything is the same as above, but there is no chance of me getting support next year. I am paying for the tuition (~3000$) and health insurance myself.
- Switching to research masters now, I end up doing a research thesis in the lab I am in now, and there is a chance I don't get to keep my stipend. I also may lose my GTA.
- There are so many things that could happen with this option, and I still end up having to spend 60+ hours of my week, working on the research.
- Switch to non thesis masters right now. I am guaranteed to lose my stipend and support next year (the only way to guarantee I am supported is by being a PhD student, because some research masters lose support too). I have a chance at losing my support for Spring and Summer of 2010 and 2011. But there is a chance I keep them both, because I am already a GTA. They "gave" me this package when I came here, and the only obligation I have is be a full time student and "teach". I can understand why they could take it away, but I also think I may keep it. They would have to find new teachers for take my spot. It seems like the assistantships are offered to the incoming students. If you are non research, you don't get offered one. But being offered one and accepting it, I may keep it, at least for the rest of this year.
- Essentially the only thing that is guaranteed to chance for the rest of this first year, if I switch from PhD to non research masters, is I no longer have to do the rotations. The classes are the same, and class load only chances for the second year. PhD students take "research credits" while non research masters students take a few more "graded" classes. So the program director could tell me, keep teaching, don't go to any more rotations and register for classes next year like a non research masters student.
Regardless, if I switch from PhD to non research masters now, I have a chance at losing my support from the school. I could probably make due with loans or maybe find a job making use of my psychology and biology degrees. Regardless I think switching now is the best option as I salvage a lot of my time back, I can prepare for applying to medical school, which may actually work because now I am medicated, and I would no longer be under the stress from the rotations (which includes beyond boring bench work, and so much journal reading for journal clubs). I have no problem reading and understanding a journal but, 120+ pages two times a week is killing me.
I try to look at things from a positive side.. I did get some teaching experience (and I assume leadership come with that) from teaching. I got another 3 months of research experience, and a real project with results that may end up being published. (More likely, they will just redo the experiment with more subjects). I also should get a good LOR from my first research PI who is a practicing physician (MD PhD) who does translational research. He knows I work hard (he doesn't know how much I hate the work) and like the subject. I always came prepared when I met with him. I have probably read ~ 70 journal articles over the last 2.5 months to develop a understanding of the subject he studies. Being here also pushed me into finally getting treated for ADHD, and I was given the opportunity to become a director in a youth outreach organization. So it wasn't all bad. I just need to make this switch, and do what I really want to do with my life. I know it's hard and maybe impossible at this point, but I can't do what I am doing here. I have to cop out with a masters, and I think taking the non research route (even though I lose my financial support) it is the best option.
Like I said, I spent 5 years in undergrad. My overall GPA is pretty much fixed (because of how many hours I took). I did show a slight improvement in my GPA since freshmen year.
I did the math, if I was to take 30 credit hours of undergraduate BCPM classes, and got straight A's I would be able to up my overall GPA to 3.53 and my BCPM GPA to 3.50.
Is giving up my financial support, taking the risk of having to live off of loans for another year and a half, to relive the stress this programs research parameter is causing me and give myself more time to actually prepare for the MCAT, and do some of the EC things I need to do to have a shot at medical school, worth it?
I don't know how bad it is going to look, if the schools I apply to see I dropped from a PhD program, but I honestly feel like, I thought I would enjoy this, but realized I didn't. Even though I switched out, I put in good solid work (I will have a LOR).
I know it's long, I just need some advice. I realize probably nobody will read it. My heart rate has jumped up and been sitting at around 95-100 the entire week. I have gotten sick like 6 times since I started having doubts about finishing the PhD program. The stress is going to kill me. I want to minimize the damage I cause to myself and my future from this obvious mistake though. I want to make the most of the situation and move on, even though that means I may end up having to live off of loans for another year and a half.
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