Men married to doctors

[ENT123]

Hey,

I'm looking for some insight from all the men out there that are married to doctors. I'm married to a future ENT doctor. She's starting her residency next year. We met and married in college. I wasn't looking to marry a doctor or a surgeon. It just turned out that way.

I really want to hear what problems you encountered during and after residency.

Any divorces out there? What happened?

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[teddybear]

Hey,

I'm looking for some insight from all the men out there that are married to doctors. I'm married to a future ENT doctor. She's starting her residency next year. We met and married in college. I wasn't looking to marry a doctor or a surgeon. It just turned out that way.

I really want to hear what problems you encountered during and after residency.

Any divorces out there? What happened?

You're thinking too much. Just try to enjoy your relationship as much as you can.

 

[xanthines]

This pretty much applies to anyone dating/married to a doctor.

Be prepared for a lot of nights alone. Sometimes, she'll be on-call. Sometimes she'll barely be there, mentally. You'll have to be the one that initiates outings and other things. Try not to drift apart emotionally, is the real key. Try to keep track of who's who in the hospital (which docs are jerks, who are the good ones, etc). Try to imagine what her workplace is like and empathize from that.

Be prepared to bend vacation time around her. She doesn't get too much choice in her work hours or vacation dates. Usually the chief residents take preferences and try to work something out. The schedules are usually drawn up for the year, so get her to found out when her assigned vacation times are so you can plan ahead, especially if you have the type of job you just can't leave at any given moment.

Be prepared for complaints. Internship and residency are tough. Long hours, with significant portions being quite frustrating will burn through even the most patient person. That means you'll get to hear all about what Dr. X said to patient Y or how stupid nurse Q is or how long it took to deal with insurance company F, etc etc etc. You get to be the counselor a lot more often now, so try to actively listen and formulate thoughtful responses instead of just taking it in and staring. Easier said than done, I know. Trust me.

It won't always be as bad as I may have implied. Most days will just be kind of long. Some weeks or months (depending on the rotation) will be easy and nice. Sometimes, it really pours when it rains. You just have to tough it out.

-X

 

[Focus E Focus]

I'm not going to lie, lads, I'm finding this f***ing difficult.

Boyfriend of a med student who doesn't work in the medical profession - we've been going out for about a year before that, and we'd dated in the past. Bereft of all things med-school: awesome girl, absolutely 10/10.

I think in American terms she'd be deemed an MS1, and good lord do they work her to the bone. I haven't seen her this month, and whenever I do seldomly hear from her she has nothing to talk about, because she hates talking about college/study since it's all she ever does. I'm sympathetic, absolutely, but try as I might, I feel like she's becoming a bit of a stranger to me.

I don't even know anything about her classmates, because she doesn't like talking about college. I can only talk about my own (busy) career and life so much before I'm sitting there on the phone going 'erm...' and recounting what I did that day.

Then you get to see them, and it's not exactly a bundle of laughs.

I know it's not her fault. It's the fatigue that comes with her workload. It's that her workload is always there, festering in the back of her mind like an insistant child. When I do see her in person, she's drained and thinking about the next time she needs to study. Being perpetually sleep deprived does little for her personality/disposition, and last semester I was [--] close to ending it on the grounds that she was (in her own words) "acting like a bitch" toward me as a side-effect of stress. We resolved that about a month back, and she promised to make more of an effort (more of that in a moment) but the past month has been wall to wall exams, so the timing has been miserable: she really hasn't had a chance to prove she's going to try any harder.

It's rough when people ask you how she's getting on and all I can muster is a vague shrug and offer a sheepish "Eh, she's ok - exams..?".

Then there's the unavailability.

She never comes out on a night out with me, and yet will go out with her classmates after an exam until 4am (this is fine, incidentally - I think it's good they get out once in a while!). She never has time for a holiday, but then spontaneously decides to go on a weekend class trip to Amsterdam. Awesome that she has her own life, and I'm happy for her, but I look at the days I get for annual leave from work and automatically think to myself "don't bother suggesting that, she'll say no because she has to study," it really gets to me.

She rarely calls, never answers a text message (which I've all but stopped sending because it's essentially a black hole from which no answer will ever emerge), and asks me to cut her some slack - I think I've done that for the past six months, frankly.

I feel like being the boyfriend of a med student essentially asks you to put up with a load of ****e, and then "I'm becoming a doctor" becomes a noble catch-all excuse for a distinct lack of effort on their part. If this is what they're like as a student, then how are they going to juggle their careers, family and everything else working life throws at you?

Matters aren't helped that my work colleagues and mates all collectively encourage me to dump her on a daily basis. Even my parents have said it's "tough on you" - which is code for "you don't see her much, do you?". I'm not prepared to make waves when she's mid-exams: I do love her and I know she does love me, but honestly as this goes on I'm seeing the chances of there being any future in this relationship steadily dwindling.

Does anyone else sometimes think the med school path is paved with mandatory selfishness? I know it's only the first year, and I've got to adjust accordingly, but it's tough being in a relationship where you're ostensibly single, even in spite of the fact she only lives about 10 minutes drive from me. It's a big ask of the boyfriend/girlfriend.

Feck it. Perhaps I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading, folks. I'm going to tough it out and get through the month and see how it goes. I said I'd support her and support her I shall - here's to hoping February's any better.

End of Rant.

 

[smq123]

Thanks for reading, folks. I'm going to tough it out and get through the month and see how it goes. I said I'd support her and support her I shall - here's to hoping February's any better.

Here's a question for you: Have you talked about any of these issues with her?

If the answer is no, then DO IT. Don't let it sit there and fester, get it out in the open.

If the answer is yes, and she either ignored you or else hasn't done a single thing to change, then dump her selfish a**.

Look, I understand "busy." Trust me, I do. But, no matter how busy I am on call, there is plenty of time to send a quick instant message/email/text message. I usually can't even call, because my cell phone has terrible reception in parts of the hospital (including the emergency department).

She's an MS1, so most of her life will revolve around studying. She can't set aside 30 minutes to have dinner with you?? (Especially when she lives 10 minutes away?) If she honestly can't set aside 30 minutes for a relatively civilized dinner with her boyfriend, then maybe, academically, she's just not cut out for med school. That's a harsh truth, but it IS the truth. And maybe this is just me, but I'd rather sacrifice 30 minutes of sleep in order to eat a meal with one of the most important people in my life.

If she has time to go out with her classmates to a bar until 4 AM or a weekend trip to Amsterdam, she can make time to work on her relationship. She sounds like she's being way too selfish and has mentally checked out of your relationship a long time ago.

And NO, medicine does NOT involve "mandatory selfishness." That's just an excuse that medical students like to invoke in order to get away with acting self-centered and childish. You deserve better.

 

[Focus E Focus]

Thanks for your input, smq and phatib. I've taken what you've both said on board, but before we damn my girlfriend outright there is - as ever - more context that should and indeed must be provided.

First and foremost, I have brought this up with her back in December. I said she wasn't making enough of an effort, and if faced with a choice of being in a relationship with her and unhappy and being on my own and happy, I'll choose being on my own every time. Echoing smq's sentiments, I also said I deserved better, and she agreed, but responded that right now medicine would not allow her to be the girlfriend she wants to be.

My timing for such a conversation, in classic "me" fashion, was horrendous: January hit.

Now this has been an extraordinary month for her. She's had exams every week this month, and this week she has an exam on Monday, Tues, Thursday and Friday, and more next week. I think they started doing exams in the second week of January and finish exams on the 28th. Case in point, I don't think she's had the opportunity to show she's improved at all. Hence my desire to see how February - a less insane month - will fare.

What really prompted my ire-laden post was that my birthday was at the end of January, and I was hoping to organise a big birthday which she could come along to. My birthday's on the 24th and I was intending to actually celebrate it on the 28th/29th, but that's the night she finishes so she's going out with her college friends, then the following weekend she's going out of town with her non-med girlfriends and (I think - I was a bit tipsy when I spoke with her last!) the following weekend she's doing the Amsterdam trip. I think I'll probably wind up just saying "feck it" and having an awesome birthday without her, but it wouldn't be the same.

Onto some of the previous points raised:

The out until 4am - she's not out getting absolutely hammered drunk (if anything that's my coping strategy for when she turtles up into Studyland); she's out dancing with her friends or going to med school house parties and what not, which I'm all for. That said, I would like it if she were to appear on nights out with my office colleagues/friends once in a blue moon. Right now, we lead entirely seperate social lives, and that's a problem.

Regarding the dinner: I wouldn't expect her to have dinner with me everyday, or indeed see me every day - frankly I'm a bit too busy for that... and she's also a coeliac so my cooking (such as it is) is liable to poison her. As are most restaurants, which makes dinner dates ostensibly her watching me stuff my face while she sips soup and eyes the bread basket warily. Fun times.

On a closing note, I would ask those reading this to not mistake me for a fool, or a spineless door mat of any kind. I'm a confident person with many friends, loud and outgoing, and am pretty athletic to boot. I love her and i love her family, and I get on well with her non med-school friends. I am also, to a fault, loyal, and it's precisely because I care for her that I've stuck it out this long. I think most lads would have flown the coop months ago.

... that doesn't read tremendously modest, does it?! Haha, well in any case the point I'm trying to make is that we do get on great when she's not in med school. That knowledge leaves me torn: I don't want to lose her, but goddamn it I'm not going to sit here and be miserable while she takes me for granted.

I think the plan is to let her have her exams, have a talk with her, and either end it or fix it, depending on how it goes.

Any future input, advice or commentary is welcome.

 

[xanthines]

From the sounds of it (we are only hearing one side of the story, obviously), she's the one being selfish and unthoughtful. If she wants to keep your relationship going she needs to understand that the world will not end if she blows off the med school fun/partying every once in awhile and spend it with you. It'd be one thing if she were on-call every 3rd day, ie physically locked in the hospital, but she can for sure make at least a little time to respond to txt messages and go out with you once in awhile.

My partner and I went to different med schools (~900 miles apart) at the same time and we always managed to at least talk to each other once in awhile. It still wasn't easy, mind you, but it at least gave us a fighting chance.

I think your plan of action is a reasonable one, if the information we have is reliable.

Good luck!

-X

I think the plan is to let her have her exams, have a talk with her, and either end it or fix it, depending on how it goes.

 

[MegaProjectile]

Focus E Focus,

I know you mean well but you have to stop making excuses for her. Give her an ultimatum. Girls can string along a guy for YEARS! Take it from me.It's not a hard thing for them to do. Cut her lose and find someone worthy of your loyalty or give this girl an ultimatum.

 

[smq123]

Echoing smq's sentiments, I also said I deserved better, and she agreed, but responded that right now medicine would not allow her to be the girlfriend she wants to be.

No, but medicine sure seems to allow her to be the party-girl/classmate she wants to be.

It doesn't matter what she's doing out until 4 AM - drinking, dancing, going to the opera or the movies, playing poker with her female friends, whatever. That's not the point. The point is, she's choosing to spend ALL of that free time with other people....not with you.

One of the things that I've learned in medical school is that in medical training, there is no time for "other" things.....you must learn to MAKE TIME for "other" things.

For now she has an exam every week. In a few years, she'll be on overnight call every week. The demands on her time will not decrease, they will only get worse. The stress doesn't get better, it only ever increases.

She can't even make time for your birthday! It's not that she can't make time for your birthday - you said that it's the weekend after the exam. But she's choosing instead to have a weekend with friends. If that isn't selfish, I don't know what is.

I understand that you love her, and that you loved her before she went to med school. But it sounds like med school is turning her into a fairly self-centered, selfish girl. If she can't realize that in time to change it, do you really want to have to put up with it?

 

[Focus E Focus]

Heh, phatib does have a point; I checked out my earlier posts when I first signed up (I joined SDN, an American-centric site, in the hopes of learning something about what she might be going through.), and there is certainly a downward sloping trend in my outlook.

You've all given me great advice, so I feel compelled to flesh out the picture a bit more: as a whole, she doesn't spend more time with her med school friends than me: she just heads out on nights out with them after exams and doesn't come out when I'm on nights out (she'll be studying then). A party girl connotes images of sorority girls, which is something she's very much not - consider me a gentleman of taste!

She did try and see me once a week, to be fair to her, but this month that's definitely gone out the window. Strange that I feel compelled to defend her having vented so thoroughly, but as Xanthines noted this is only my side of the story, and I don't want to do my girlfriend an injustice by only giving you my distinctly coloured perspective.

Smq - her exams finish the week after my exam: mine's on the 24th, she finishes on the 28th. I was loosely planning to have something on that weekend, but yeah, her class are quite close so it was inevitable she'd be booked then. I'm going to go ahead and make a plan with my friends regardless - I can't be hanging around waiting for her to dictate my schedule.

I do see your point (and agree) that if this is how year one is going, how will year six, or eight, or ten go when she has people's lives in her hands, rather than a test score.

Megaprojectile - I fully intend to have a fairly frank chat about it. I'd never be selfish enough to issue the ultimatum "medicine or me" - I'd always want her to succeed in everything she does - but there's no reason why the two can't co-exist with just a smidgeon of effort on her part. Phatib, I'm thinking of implementing an aspect of your suggestion by letting her contact me, and then having the chat.

As for my daily life in the meantime, I keep it simple: work hard at my career, train for a marathon, go to the gym and swim - there's quite a lot going on, so I'm not the type to hang around twiddling my thumbs and pine for her absence!

Can I just say on a closing note to this post the massive respect I have for all of you? It takes a phenomonal amount of self-sacrifice to choose becoming a physician, and a metric assload (technical term) of brains to boot. Keep the input coming, I have a tendancy to defend her in my head, and sometimes it helps to hear the Devil's Advocate.

If anyone has advice or personal insight into how their own med school relationships functioned on a routinely basis, you might give me an idea - I've no basis of comparison here, so if I inadvertedly come across as a doormat, it's only because I'm stumbling into this blindfolded. I'm in a distinctly different time zone to you guys, so I'll hopefully catch your replies in the morning!

Night folks!

 

[smq123]

She did try and see me once a week, to be fair to her, but this month that's definitely gone out the window. Strange that I feel compelled to defend her having vented so thoroughly, but as Xanthines noted this is only my side of the story, and I don't want to do my girlfriend an injustice by only giving you my distinctly coloured perspective.

Focus E Focus - you are extremely fair and patient, so I do have to give you kudos.

Smq - her exams finish the week after my exam: mine's on the 24th, she finishes on the 28th. I was loosely planning to have something on that weekend, but yeah, her class are quite close so it was inevitable she'd be booked then.

I guess I'm confused why you're not more upset that she went ahead and made plans for the weekend after your birthday. Ok, so her class is close-knit.....does that mean that your girlfriend can never say no when invited to go somewhere with her classmates? If so, that sounds more like a cult or the Mafia than a medical school class.

In all seriousness, I have had classmates in med school who, when invited out for an after-exam party, would say, "Sorry, it's my mom's birthday," or "Can't - I promised the husband we'd try that new restaurant on 15th Street" or something like that. Family and loved ones will always be a part of your life, and there is no reason why medical school should shut them out. Her classmates would likely understand if your girlfriend refused to go with them.

Other classmates made it a point to bring along their boyfriends/girlfriends to these kinds of post-exam parties and outings. I've met several of my classmates' families...I personally thought it was kind of fun to meet them. Even now, as a resident, a lot of my coworkers bring their wives and husbands to our hospital picnics and whatnot.

You have to make an effort to keep in touch with your loved ones that are outside medicine. Classmates come and go. You won't be a practicing physician forever. But your loved ones will still be around even after you retire from being a doctor....you can't ignore them.

I'd never be selfish enough to issue the ultimatum "medicine or me" - I'd always want her to succeed in everything she does - but there's no reason why the two can't co-exist with just a smidgeon of effort on her part.

EXACTLY. It shouldn't have to be a choice between you or medicine. A teensy bit of effort from her part would ensure that you have a place in your life.

Medicine is an extremely isolating profession. You learn a new, weird language that only other doctors and nurses can understand. You have bizarre experiences that only other medical students would share. And you see disgusting and/or emotionally devastating moments that can sometimes be difficult to discuss with other people.

If your girlfriend continues to lead a separate life from you, she will grow and change in ways that you can't keep up with. You will eventually be so ignorant of her life in medicine that you won't understand what she'll want to talk about. And then, sooner or later, you'll have nothing to say to each other. This is a sad reality that I've witnessed with my own classmates (and even between myself and some of my old friends) over and over and over again.

Don't let your girlfriend take you for granted. Relationships don't work that way.

If anyone has advice or personal insight into how their own med school relationships functioned on a routinely basis, you might give me an idea - I've no basis of comparison here, so if I inadvertedly come across as a doormat, it's only because I'm stumbling into this blindfolded.

It works the same way that it does for any other couple that is busy. You make your priorities and you make sacrifices to accomodate those priorities.

One of my fellow interns is married with a child. She bargained to be on call on nights when her husband could stay home and watch their son. She doesn't waste time in the office, and does her charts as quickly as she can, so that she can leave as soon as she reasonably can so she can spend time with her husband. She also made sure in advance that she got a certain weekend off, so that she could help host a birthday party for her child.

One of the ICU senior doctors asked if we could all come in 30 minutes earlier than usual to see patients, which we did. After all the patients were seen, he basically ran out the door. He didn't come back for a few hours, but when he did, one of the nurses asked him where he had been. "My 5 year old daughter sang a solo for the school's Christmas concert; I promised her I would be there."

As for me, it's slightly different since I am also dating someone in medicine. But still, I make an effort to see him several times a week....I just make do with less sleep and more coffee. Still totally worth it, though. I don't regret losing the sleep if it means I get to hear about his day and share jokes and decompress a little.

Can I just say on a closing note to this post the massive respect I have for all of you? It takes a phenomonal amount of self-sacrifice to choose becoming a physician, and a metric assload (technical term) of brains to boot.

You forgot to mention, becoming a physician also requires a healthy dose of insanity.

 

[Moonglow]

It's get real time; welcome to the adult world; this ain't no party.

Boyfriends and girlfriends do not matter, you are from her/his former life. As a now 32 year-old female doctor, I haven't had a "boyfriend" in twelve years. Marriages are different of course, but residency kills many of them...

 

[Moonglow]

so how are the one night stands.

Not for me, thanks.

I do date, though; but going for a boyfriend means that I'm not working hard enough.

 

[KatieBonita]

Being a coeliac is considerably less than fun, but there are a lot more coeliac-friendly restaurants around now than there were five years ago. Ring around - eating together often could help you connect better, if that's what you want.

Otherwise, the other posters have said it all.

 

[Focus E Focus]

It's get real time; welcome to the adult world; this ain't no party.

Boyfriends and girlfriends do not matter, you are from her/his former life. As a now 32 year-old female doctor, I haven't had a "boyfriend" in twelve years. Marriages are different of course, but residency kills many of them...

You'll forgive me for saying, Moonglow, as I don't know you or intend to judge you, but reading this makes you sound rather bitter. Surely there is more to life than your job? When it comes to me and my girlfriend, I certainly matter to me, and damned be anyone who tells me otherwise.

Smq, I'm actually quite upset about her not being available after her exams, perhaps more than I've let on, but complaining to her mid exams is only going to exacerbate the considerable stress she's under, and will only erode any sense of perspective I appear to be bringing to the table when I do speak with her about it. In a sense she's earned a night out, having been cooped up studying for a month - the timing just happens to be bollocks.

As I see it, I'll come across as needy and controlling by demanding she spend time with me instead of her friends. Better to state how I feel, and then let her know that I'll walk rather than tolerate being a tertiary priority in her life. After all, if you're with somebody, you can't expect to control their behaviour, and vice versa.

Her attending class parties doesn't bother me - it's that she tells me nothing about her classmates, friends and daily life while expecting me to sit in the boyfriend box all the while. She's well on her way to becoming as isolated as you said, and it's a path that can only have one conclusion. Something I'd rather not waste time waiting to unfold, incidentally.

I think I've resolved to end it; I'll have to wait until after the 28th to speak with her about it. Better to leave with a measure of dignity and respect than dramatically rocking the boat while she's focusing on a test. You're remembered for your exits as much as your entrances, right?

 

[LadyWolverine]

I wish you the best of luck. Being in medical school sucks and it is definitely difficult, but relationships can flourish, as long as both parties are equally interested and invested.

 

[LadyWolverine]

This sounds like a huge excuse. The true test of someone's character is when they are stressed. Everyone is nice when they are having fun/stress free. Oh, and...the more context you give, the more I think your girlfriend is selfish. It makes NO sense that she is going away around your birthday.

You need to put your foot down and not worry about the consequences. Or this will go on forever...and it will wear you down as others have said.

A lot of people don't realise how bad they had it in a past relationship until they are happy in a new one.

I just read the above post - don't know how I missed it. It very succinctly delivers the points I was trying to make.

 

[smq123]

I think I've resolved to end it; I'll have to wait until after the 28th to speak with her about it. Better to leave with a measure of dignity and respect than dramatically rocking the boat while she's focusing on a test. You're remembered for your exits as much as your entrances, right?

Good luck, Focus. Let us know what happens.

 

[Focus E Focus]

Well, it's all finished now. I wrote her a letter, bought her flowers and broke up with her in her room. She cried, I held her, and after about forty minutes I left. I think we ended it pretty well; we know we both still love eachother, but there's no mistaking that the relationship had become strained to a point where it was making me miserable.

Amazing girl, I know she'll make an amazing physician. Thanks everyone for their insight, I wish you the best with your own medical careers - I don't think there's any need for me to post here anymore. Take care folks!

 

[smq123]

Well, it's all finished now. I wrote her a letter, bought her flowers and broke up with her in her room. She cried, I held her, and after about forty minutes I left. I think we ended it pretty well; we know we both still love eachother, but there's no mistaking that the relationship had become strained to a point where it was making me miserable.

Amazing girl, I know she'll make an amazing physician. Thanks everyone for their insight, I wish you the best with your own medical careers - I don't think there's any need for me to post here anymore. Take care folks!

Good for you, Focus, for standing up for yourself and what your needs are.

Sorry to lose you from the site , but best of luck!

 

[Velocity]

If your girlfriend continues to lead a separate life from you, she will grow and change in ways that you can't keep up with. You will eventually be so ignorant of her life in medicine that you won't understand what she'll want to talk about. And then, sooner or later, you'll have nothing to say to each other. This is a sad reality that I've witnessed with my own classmates (and even between myself and some of my old friends) over and over and over again.

But surely medicine isn't unique in this. Couldn't this happen to anyone who has a spouse/significant other who works in a different field? It seems plausible to me. Perhaps the only reason that it seems to occur more frequently in medicine is because medical students (and those early on in the medical career) have no choice but to obsess over it, because it takes up so much of their time. It's harder for them to talk about other things or take the time to do other things, because their studies or work are on their minds all the time.

That's just a theory, though. Either way, the point would be that people in medicine need to make a greater effort to break out of it when they're not around people who aren't "in" on the field with them, in order to maintain their connections. I'm sure it's hard to do - aside from the fact that so much time and energy is spent there, many medical students seem to revel in making medicine their life, so there's a social push to have it that way, too.

It's get real time; welcome to the adult world; this ain't no party.

Boyfriends and girlfriends do not matter, you are from her/his former life. As a now 32 year-old female doctor, I haven't had a "boyfriend" in twelve years. Marriages are different of course, but residency kills many of them...

Well, to each his (or her) own. I've heard that opinion said before, though - that people in medicine shouldn't get married or date, and should instead spend all of their time working. I think it's a bit sad. If someone wants to live their life that way, that's fine, but they shouldn't deny themselves the joys of a relationship just because of their work.

The reality is that relationships - good, healthy ones - take a lot of work. It doesn't matter whether you're in medicine or not. Everyone takes stresses from their work; everyone needs to work to understand and respect their significant other. If done properly (and if you're with the "right person") then the relationship will not feel like a drain or a chore, but will instead be a source of support. Relationships like that are seemingly rare these days. I feel very fortunate to have found one.

Well, it's all finished now. I wrote her a letter, bought her flowers and broke up with her in her room. She cried, I held her, and after about forty minutes I left. I think we ended it pretty well; we know we both still love eachother, but there's no mistaking that the relationship had become strained to a point where it was making me miserable.

Amazing girl, I know she'll make an amazing physician. Thanks everyone for their insight, I wish you the best with your own medical careers - I don't think there's any need for me to post here anymore. Take care folks!

I'm sorry it turned out that way, but perhaps it's for the best - nobody became bitter or hurtful toward the other. I've only read all of your posts today, but I can echo what smq said - I'll miss having you around the forums.

 

[smq123]

But surely medicine isn't unique in this. Couldn't this happen to anyone who has a spouse/significant other who works in a different field? It seems plausible to me. Perhaps the only reason that it seems to occur more frequently in medicine is because medical students (and those early on in the medical career) have no choice but to obsess over it, because it takes up so much of their time. It's harder for them to talk about other things or take the time to do other things, because their studies or work are on their minds all the time.

Sure, it's not necessarily unique to medicine. But I think it happens very frequently in medicine because:

- medicine is expected to be your life's work, not just your 9-6 job. You work weekends, holidays, nights, etc.

- There is a lot of jargon in medicine. After a while, you stop being able to talk like a normal person. And it's jargon that people outside of medicine really will not be able to understand, even if you do your best to explain it. Try a 2 minute explanation of "JVD" sometime....it's not easy.

- There are a lot of disgusting and disturbing things in medicine that most people just don't want to hear about. I can talk about a patient's total colectomy while eating lunch, but my parents certainly can't. The only rotation I could talk about easily with my parents (well, my mom) was OB, since she'd actually been through it and wasn't as disgusted by it.

There's a lot of sad stuff in medicine, too, that most people just don't really want to hear or don't understand why it bothers you so much.

I can't explain well why it's so isolating...when you get there, you'll find out.

 

[Velocity]

I can't explain well why it's so isolating...when you get there, you'll find out.

I hope so. My family are all in science and medicine so I have some ideas from that, but I know that it's very different when you're the one living that lifestyle.

 

[PUPPYBOY3765]

Sure, it's not necessarily unique to medicine. But I think it happens very frequently in medicine because:

- medicine is expected to be your life's work, not just your 9-6 job. You work weekends, holidays, nights, etc.

- There is a lot of jargon in medicine. After a while, you stop being able to talk like a normal person. And it's jargon that people outside of medicine really will not be able to understand, even if you do your best to explain it. Try a 2 minute explanation of "JVD" sometime....it's not easy.

- There are a lot of disgusting and disturbing things in medicine that most people just don't want to hear about. I can talk about a patient's total colectomy while eating lunch, but my parents certainly can't. The only rotation I could talk about easily with my parents (well, my mom) was OB, since she'd actually been through it and wasn't as disgusted by it.

There's a lot of sad stuff in medicine, too, that most people just don't really want to hear or don't understand why it bothers you so much.

I can't explain well why it's so isolating...when you get there, you'll find out.

There is a lot of jargon in other fields such as geophysics, math, oceanography, engineering, law, you name it. People in these fields and others not mentioned go through a lot too.

There is also a lot of sad stuff and gross stuff that happens in other health care fields too, including ancillary staff.

A great deal goes on with other fields too, but they just don't dramatize it.

 

[jinx520]

There is a lot of jargon in other fields such as geophysics, math, oceanography, engineering, law, you name it. People in these fields and others not mentioned go through a lot too.

There is also a lot of sad stuff and gross stuff that happens in other health care fields too, including ancillary staff.

A great deal goes on with other fields too, but they just don't dramatize it.

I don't think that it is so much about med students/residents/attendings overdramatizing things as it is drama + the weight of responsibility for it. I'm sure that there are some drama queens out there, but there is always going to be an element of "OMG! If I don't learn/do this right, someone could die" in the back of the mind somewhere. Not to knock ancillary staff, but the onus of ultimate responsibility is not really on them.

 

[maceo]

I'm not going to lie, lads, I'm finding this f***ing difficult.

Boyfriend of a med student who doesn't work in the medical profession - we've been going out for about a year before that, and we'd dated in the past. Bereft of all things med-school: awesome girl, absolutely 10/10.

I think in American terms she'd be deemed an MS1, and good lord do they work her to the bone. I haven't seen her this month, and whenever I do seldomly hear from her she has nothing to talk about, because she hates talking about college/study since it's all she ever does. I'm sympathetic, absolutely, but try as I might, I feel like she's becoming a bit of a stranger to me.

I don't even know anything about her classmates, because she doesn't like talking about college. I can only talk about my own (busy) career and life so much before I'm sitting there on the phone going 'erm...' and recounting what I did that day.

Then you get to see them, and it's not exactly a bundle of laughs.

I know it's not her fault. It's the fatigue that comes with her workload. It's that her workload is always there, festering in the back of her mind like an insistant child. When I do see her in person, she's drained and thinking about the next time she needs to study. Being perpetually sleep deprived does little for her personality/disposition, and last semester I was [--] close to ending it on the grounds that she was (in her own words) "acting like a bitch" toward me as a side-effect of stress. We resolved that about a month back, and she promised to make more of an effort (more of that in a moment) but the past month has been wall to wall exams, so the timing has been miserable: she really hasn't had a chance to prove she's going to try any harder.

It's rough when people ask you how she's getting on and all I can muster is a vague shrug and offer a sheepish "Eh, she's ok - exams..?".

Then there's the unavailability.

She never comes out on a night out with me, and yet will go out with her classmates after an exam until 4am (this is fine, incidentally - I think it's good they get out once in a while!). She never has time for a holiday, but then spontaneously decides to go on a weekend class trip to Amsterdam. Awesome that she has her own life, and I'm happy for her, but I look at the days I get for annual leave from work and automatically think to myself "don't bother suggesting that, she'll say no because she has to study," it really gets to me.

She rarely calls, never answers a text message (which I've all but stopped sending because it's essentially a black hole from which no answer will ever emerge), and asks me to cut her some slack - I think I've done that for the past six months, frankly.

I feel like being the boyfriend of a med student essentially asks you to put up with a load of ****e, and then "I'm becoming a doctor" becomes a noble catch-all excuse for a distinct lack of effort on their part. If this is what they're like as a student, then how are they going to juggle their careers, family and everything else working life throws at you?

Matters aren't helped that my work colleagues and mates all collectively encourage me to dump her on a daily basis. Even my parents have said it's "tough on you" - which is code for "you don't see her much, do you?". I'm not prepared to make waves when she's mid-exams: I do love her and I know she does love me, but honestly as this goes on I'm seeing the chances of there being any future in this relationship steadily dwindling.

Does anyone else sometimes think the med school path is paved with mandatory selfishness? I know it's only the first year, and I've got to adjust accordingly, but it's tough being in a relationship where you're ostensibly single, even in spite of the fact she only lives about 10 minutes drive from me. It's a big ask of the boyfriend/girlfriend.

Feck it. Perhaps I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading, folks. I'm going to tough it out and get through the month and see how it goes. I said I'd support her and support her I shall - here's to hoping February's any better.

End of Rant.

she is banging someone else face the facts.. geez.. get you rhead out of the sand

 

[faith2]

I am scared to...My BF says that he can handle it when I start in August, but is he being realistic? Not only will he put up with medical school, but I am a single mother going through a bitter divorce, and I am commissioned to the Army. In addition it is long distance. I love him, and want to believe that he will be there, but am I niave as well? Right now I only want to spend my free time with him, and I do not see that changing...but will it be enough? He says yes when he drives to see me once am onth he will understand exam time etc etc, and every vacation I will go to his state. Is there any happily ending stories with this scenerio?

 

[Velocity]

I am scared to...My BF says that he can handle it when I start in August, but is he being realistic? Not only will he put up with medical school, but I am a single mother going through a bitter divorce, and I am commissioned to the Army. In addition it is long distance. I love him, and want to believe that he will be there, but am I niave as well? Right now I only want to spend my free time with him, and I do not see that changing...but will it be enough? He says yes when he drives to see me once am onth he will understand exam time etc etc, and every vacation I will go to his state. Is there any happily ending stories with this scenerio?

It's a rough situation you're in. In my opinion, you need to believe in your significant other in order for a relationship to have the potential to become a deep and loving one. We all want to protect ourselves by being skeptical of others and not fully placing our trust in others, but relationships (for the most part) truly exemplify the old saying of "nothing ventured, nothing gained." I wouldn't advocate loving with everything you have totally blindly, but I do advocate coming pretty close to that. Know when a relationship turns sour and when to get out, but don't be afraid to venture deeper.

Specifically for you, faith, since none of us know your significant other we can't make a judgment about how he will weather you being in medical school. For many people (many significant others) it's a difficult experience, especially if they're removed from you. The best advice I can give is the same advice that applies to all relationships: communicate. Communicate about everything. Don't ever let him feel like he can't tell you when something is bothering him about anything, and don't you ever hold back from speaking up, either. It'll be hard on the both of you, but people have done it. If a relationship is good then it's a source of strength to both people involved, no matter what they come up against. Make sure to nurture it from within.

 

[plauto]

Well, it's all finished now. I wrote her a letter, bought her flowers and broke up with her in her room. She cried, I held her, and after about forty minutes I left. I think we ended it pretty well; we know we both still love eachother, but there's no mistaking that the relationship had become strained to a point where it was making me miserable.

Amazing girl, I know she'll make an amazing physician. Thanks everyone for their insight, I wish you the best with your own medical careers - I don't think there's any need for me to post here anymore. Take care folks!

you did the right thing. Her head obviously was not in it. Not even a transplant surgeon is as busy as she was making herself up to be. I have a guy friend fellow med student who has been doing exactly the same thing to his girlfriend. In the meantime he is going through girls like a pair of socks. Can't believe it takes people so long to realize these things. Good luck to you!

 

[faith2]

Peace of mind is always good, and I am happy at least you have some kind of closure. I hope that the next time that you are posting it is about your upcoming dates. LOL

 

[ArkansasRanger]

Hey,

I'm looking for some insight from all the men out there that are married to doctors. I'm married to a future ENT doctor. She's starting her residency next year. We met and married in college. I wasn't looking to marry a doctor or a surgeon. It just turned out that way.

I really want to hear what problems you encountered during and after residency.

Any divorces out there? What happened?

Ah, a woman doctor. A good income. Never home. May not be too bad.

I could be a stay at home husband/dad. I could read her medical books, get her tutoring, and probably be satiated medically.

 

[faith2]

You are a true man.

Ah, a woman doctor. A good income. Never home. May not be too bad.

I could be a stay at home husband/dad. I could read her medical books, get her tutoring, and probably be satiated medically.

 

[Cmaj7th]

I am 19 and still in undergrad, so take this for what its worth, but my mom is a doctor and I can tell you how that worked with my dad. the two things Id recommend would be checking your ego and be truly supportive.

I think my dads ego led to a lot of my parents issues. he made a six figure income but my mom always made more than he did. after 20 years of not being the main bread winner he got bitter. you cant let that bother you or it will cause issues. be grateful for having a wife with a good job.

he also was not very supportive towards the end of her training. my mom was set on ob/gyn but my dad didnt like the hours so she matched into IM. after residency when she wanted to apply for fellowships (I think GI) he said no to that too. she's now in primary care (which she ended up liking) but I know she always resented him for limiting her career options. this kind of resentment never goes away.

Im not sure if I agree with Moonglow. my mom trained way before the work hour restrictions and thats when her and my dad were best because he had the right attitude then. she told me they were very happy and she had a three year old son to raise at the time too. she told me it was tough but everyone was happy so it can be done.

my parents ended up divorcing after 20 years but that doesnt mean all relationships with physicians will fail. since Im planning on going to medical school I sure hope not! and I hope the ramblings of a college freshman helped just a little bit.

 

[Moonglow]

he (my Dad) also was not very supportive towards the end of her training. ...this kind of resentment never goes away.

Im not sure if I agree with Moonglow. my mom trained way before the work hour restrictions and thats when her and my dad were best because he had the right attitude then.

... my parents ended up divorcing after 20 years...

The hardships of medical training kill marriages and relationships; then, now, and in the future.

 

[xanthines]

Not always! Unfortunately true for too many, though.

The hardships of medical training kill marriages and relationships; then, now, and in the future.

 

[Cmaj7th]

call me naive but I refuse to accept that being a physician dooms you to a life of loneliness. I know physicians have a higher divorce rate than people out of health care (with divorce rates already high Id be lying if I said that wasn't unnerving) however I can't imagine it'd being impossible with the right partner/attitude.

my parents just weren't right for each other and both aren't very good at relationships. my mom being a doctor did not make my dad cheat, my dad did. she also only worked 9-5 in an outpatient clinic so other than residency her lifestyle was pretty reasonable.

MoonGlow I apologize if you think I was calling you out. I just respectfully disagree.

 

[zenman]

You are a true man.

I was to, back in the day, as a nurse in a university hospital...comforting those female medical students, interns, residents and doctor's wives....who didn't have time for a proper relationship.

 

[Wacaggie]

Each new year has its unique form of torture for the med student or resident. I am married to a PGY-1 in a rough medical intern year and I can tell you it can be tough at times. You have to be very flexible and empathetic to get through each year.

Xanthines response was on the money to me. Not only do you have to be willing to schedule your vacations around their schedules but you have to be willing to mold your career around their career to some degree. When they get accepted into a med school you have to work there or be willing to have a long distance relationship. This can force you out of certain jobs because of location. After 4 years of medical shool you might again have to change jobs if your spouse ends up matching in another city/state.

I followed my wife to med school then to another state for residency, luckly my job allowed me to stay with them during the move and work from home which also came with some nice benifits that have allowed me to spend more time with my wife when she has a weekday off and has to work weekends.

Its tough but as long as you stay involved, as much as they are willing to discuss, and always try to be the positive one because you know they wont want to be, you should be able to make it. Take any time you have with them and make the most out of it. Quality not Quantity of time will be the status quo for many years.