Med school leave of absence and returning

[Doodledog]

Posted for a member

I am currently on leave of absence and start medical school back in August 2012. I took the leave in the middle of my sophomore fall semester, October 2011. I spent the next two months downing myself for having to take a leave and wondered how I got to that point. It was not until February 2012 (two months ago) that I finally accepted the leave and started trying to "fix" myself to return to school. I have not had any luck. I think I have numbed myself. I can talk for days if I am writing my emotions, but when it comes time to talk to someone, I go mute. I start talking and can hear myself about to "crack" so I just get quiet and not say anything. I can tell I sound so rehearsed and robotic and emotionless that people mistake it for depression. I am tired of holding in everything and I am tired of crying to myself.

Background: I had deficiencies from my first year (could not pass the subject boards, missed them all by one point) and had to retake the boards. I was borderline passing the class and the subject boards would have put me in the passing range. I retook them over the summer following my first year and passed them all, well over the pass mark with the exception of biochem. I just barely passed. However, because I took them so late in the summer, I could not get registered in time for the second year. I started the second year in mid-September. I was so burned-out from retaking exams over the summer that the last thing I wanted to do was read a book. And the fact that I was registered late and had to play "catch-up" did not help. But I took on the challenge and I played "catch-up" for as long as I could until it became too much. I was a walking timebomb and I could not lose my composure so I staggered from fatigue into the student affairs office and told them I wanted to take time off because I had gotten too far behind in the course work. Everyone was stunned because no one saw it coming. I had managed to "appear" as if everything was fine.

Prior to medical school, I had taken time off after undergrad. I did not struggle in undergrad and graduated with a 3.6 gpa. However, now looking at my GPA and looking at my MCAT score, I would say that something is missing. I do not perform well on standardized tests. In fact, I could know equal amount of knowledge as well as the next person, but I will perform lower because I do not know how to apply my knowledge to answer questions.

The point: I start back in 4 months. I want to start back in 4 months, but as of now, I am in the same condition as when I left. Meaning that while I am no longer burned out, I have not learned any coping mechanisms to deal with stress and I do not have any study strategies. I have been from therapist to therapist. I have been given every disorder from mood disorder to depression to OCD to schizoid personality to ADD to bipolar disorder to anxiety and now to mild symptoms of Asperger's. It is ridiculous how many people try to diagnose you in 1 hour. I do not even know where to begin anymore. I am a strong person because I have endured so much backlash and I would even say abuse from some of the therapist (one even criticized me and asked how I got to be [this age] and cannot carry on a conversation). Which was why I wanted help but that just made me feel like even more of a loser. It is hard finding a therapist that works with medical students and have realistic "techniques" to deal with stress and realistic suggestions. I even tried getting tested for learning disabilities, because I read where students can go their entire lives excelling but when faced with something that actually poses a challenge, they crumble under the pressure because the foundation was never there. The test for learning disabilities was a joke because it was given unsupervised by a student, and it was so trivial that I felt anyone who graduated high school could excel with that test. In other words, it would not give accurate results on where my weakness lies if it did not really challenge me. I know I lacked organization skills and the ability to multi task before starting school. I guess I was unrealistic about it when I started medical school. I know I lack the proper social skills. I do not know how I got through my interview because I know I sucked at it, as I do with all interviews. I just do not know where to find the proper help. I know something is wrong because I would maybe study 3 days out of the week. And it was a repeating pattern the entire first year. I would study one day for three hours. Then not pick up a book for the next two days. Then study for 3 hours, then not pick up a book for the next 2 or 3 days. Then before a test, I knew I had not studied well enough so I would either give up and just take the test blindly or cram, cram, cram the day before the test. Either way, I either came very close to passing or completely missing the pass mark by 20 or so points. In the 3 hours that I studied, I would only get 3 or so pages read, but I understood what I read and could remember it for months. However, there was no way I was going to cover any material reading like this, but I did not know how to compensate time for the volume of material to cover. That is all.

I just want to know where should I start. I definately would start over, but where. I feel like 4 months is enough time to still turn it around. My other issue is perfectionism. That played a part in why I studied the way I did. I keep trying to tell myself to just try something but I could not do it unless I knew it was guaranteed to work. I only broke the habit if it was something required like clinical skills or if a deadline was on me and I had to make a decision. Any helpful advice will be appreciated.

I really don't have much to say other than it doesn't really sound like you are ready to return to med school. A second leave of absence would probably be difficult to return from. You need to discuss these issues with the dean for student affairs and see if they would give you a year to do research while you work on the issues you've described.

Best of luck

Tildy

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[Doodledog]

From the OP:

Hi, thanks for your response. I actually put in my "return" letter a few months back. I have decided that I will return, but wondered if I should be tested for a learning disability, meaning just figuring out my learning style. I found this program describing a LD/ADD medical student and surprisingly, I fit the criteria. I know that I lack study skills so that would be something that I will need to work on. I am optimistic that 4 months will be sufficient time to get myself together. I did leave in good standing, so that is a positive. However, I did struggle throughout the first year of medical school. People have suggested anti-depressants and while I feel that I am not depressed, I may just listen to people and take them. On a day like today, I feel great. But in a few days, I think about the past and get unusually down, but it is only for a few hours, then I am back to being optimistic.

I am just going to go step by step until August. First step I guess is getting tested, unless anyone feels that it is a waste. I do not know the approach to getting "tested" though. Any suggestions on how to get tested for a learning disability in an adult/medical student? Thank you.

 

[dotdash]

I worry about this OP. If this were my sister/brother/friend, I would urge him/her to take seriously what sounds like a largish function-limiting psychiatric issue. Since the OP has been from therapist to therapist and gotten a series of very serious (admittedly different) diagnoses, then there is something wrong bigger than study skills or learning style. Commit to getting help and find someone you trust and respect and can work with.

 

[Origamy]

Wow. You could have been me writing that letter. We have the same story, except it happened to me in residency. My brief advice- because I really feel for you and want to help- is (1) the more attention you bring to yourself, is, just that, the more attention you bring to yourself, negative or positive (2) you have self worth- you ARE valuable (3) there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but the whole freakin tunnel is dark and slimy, but how else do you get to that light except putting one foot in front of the other? YOU WILL GET THERE.

 

[Doodledog]

I worry about this OP. If this were my sister/brother/friend, I would urge him/her to take seriously what sounds like a largish function-limiting psychiatric issue. Since the OP has been from therapist to therapist and gotten a series of very serious (admittedly different) diagnoses, then there is something wrong bigger than study skills or learning style. Commit to getting help and find someone you trust and respect and can work with.

Reply from the OP

Thank you for the concern. I do take this seriously. I know that there is an underlying issue. I have academic issues that do involve poor organization, time management, lack of concentration, structure and lack of study skills. I also understand that I have non-academic issues that involve self-esteem, poor stress management, burn-out, perfectionism, worrying, etc. Testing takes care of the academic issues. I am working with someone to address the non-academic issues.

The reason I went from therapist to therapist is because of the different diagnoses. Just like if a patient goes from doctor to doctor. If you go to one doctor and tell them you have pain, and they suggest a disease that you know cannot possibly be right, you go get a second opinion. If when you get a second opinion, and the diagnoses is completely unrelated to the first, now there is a problem. That starts the process of "doctor hopping" until you find someone that gives a realistic diagnoses, explains his finding, and you now see that it could very well be the problem. In psychology however, many psychologists are "generalist" in that they do not specialize in anything. So one could tell you depression and does not specialize/study depression. You now go to someone that specializes in depression and they tell you that you only show 1 or 2 symptoms of depression and you have to at least show 5 signs to be considered depressed. They suggest that it could be something else. I now have to stop going to the guy that said depression because he will be stubborn and now recommend a psychiatrist to give me medication for depression. Now, I have to find a new therapist. And the cycle repeats.

I did not start having this "issue" until I got into medical school. Therefore, my biggest guess would be that something happened in medical school, and we need to break it down step by step until we figure out what went wrong. However, if i have repeated the story time and time again, by the time I get to someone that can help, I am exhausted and the details are now foggy. I entered med school in 2010. There is no way I am going to be able to reaccount the details of my first year, almost 2 years later. I do know that I overexhausted myself times 3. I had "burn-out" my fourth year in college but because I had taken 16-18 hours every semester until my senior year, I was able to reduce my load to 12 and 13 hours. I graduated with 136 credits and only needed 122. It would have been 139 if I had not withdrawn from a psychology course (I was double minor in Chemistry and Psychology at the time). Medical school was a different ballpark, and it took me time to realize this. If I do not have mechanisms to cope with stress, and I was placed under a great deal of stress, then it is apparent that the inevitable will happen. The body and mind will breakdown and adjust to fit the demands, and eventually shut down. Thankfully, i recognized the signs of exhaustion this time and took a leave to recompose myself. This was my first time trying therapy. So my problem lies in finding someone to help me reverse what I went through first year and help me realize my point of exhaustion and learn to just stop at that.