How to support my SO who is having a crisis?

[MPH24]

My SO is a 1st year Med student and recently told me he doesn't feel like he's the Alpha in our relationship anymore. He also said he feels boring and uninteresting because he's constantly studying and is struggling to find ways to differentiate from his classmates.
Im having a hard time not only understanding why he feels this way but also how I can help him to regain this sense of autonomy, self-confidence and sense that yes, he is still interesting and different. I believe all of those things to be true but its hard when he has to spend all day everyday studying just like his classmates and he's loosing his sense of self in the process.
On the second hand, he feeling like he is loosing his "Alpha status" in our relationship, i'm not sure how to approach that. I know he feels badly that I do most of the cooking, cleaning, planning (we live together and have for almost 2 years, dating for 4, were not married nor engaged) but the truth of the matter is, he just doesn't have time to help with those things regularly.
So, my question is--1. How do I help him to realize that yes, he needs to study all the time right now like his peers but that he has never lost his true self or the interesting things about himself ( I don't feel he has at least)
2- How can I bolster his feelings of being a necessary provider and Alpha in our relationship when he feels like Im the one taking care of him, because he doesn't have the time?

I appreciate all feedback, but if there's any guys who have struggled with either of these i'd appreciate your perspective.

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[RNtoMD87]

Why does he need "alpha status"? What does that mean anyway? I want to be partners with my woman, not feel like I'm over her.

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

If your SO mentions the words “alpha” constantly when it comes to your relationship, he has bigger issues. He needs to figure out why he is comparing your relationship to animal societies. The modern world isn’t built on strict gender roles. He needs to be comfortable in his own skin, which he is clearly not, if he is constantly trying to be your superior.


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[el_duderino]

My SO is a 1st year Med student and recently told me he doesn't feel like he's the Alpha in our relationship anymore.

On the second hand, he feeling like he is loosing his "Alpha status" in our relationship, i

I do most of the cooking, cleaning, planning

he just doesn't have time to help with those things regularly.

his feelings of being a necessary provider and Alpha

What the heck.

1) This "alpha" talk is messed up. That's not how relationships would be. He has issues that are much deeper than you, and he needs professional help.

2) Saying he doesn't have time to help with cooking, cleaning, and planning is BS

3) This whole situation is disturbing.

 

[Entadus]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that it's perfectly understandable why OP's partner feels dejected. Medical school (especially the isolation of the pre-clinical years) can be soul-crushing. I won't judge the OP's terminology of "alpha" (it's difficult to gauge what she means by it, however, from personal experience I can relate to the feeling of feeling a certain "slippage"/loss of self-confidence associated with less socialization, less fulfillment by hobbies, less self-care, etc). Whether you want to call that alpha-->beta or content-->depressed, is less important that validating his current feelings.

There is no easy answer here. One consoling fact is that medical school doesn't last forever. Also, extra care must be paid towards all aspects of self-care, including exercise (cardio and strength-training, especially weight lifting), socializing as often as practical, as well as fostering and nurturing relationships (not only with S/O, but with family and old/new friends as well).

Good luck, OP.

 

[Bob's Gift]

If your SO mentions the words “alpha” constantly when it comes to your relationship, he has bigger issues. He needs to figure out why he is comparing your relationship to animal societies. The modern world isn’t built on strict gender roles. He needs to be comfortable in his own skin, which he is clearly not, if he is constantly trying to be your superior.

Great point; needs saying for sure!

 

[Mad Jack]

My SO is a 1st year Med student and recently told me he doesn't feel like he's the Alpha in our relationship anymore. He also said he feels boring and uninteresting because he's constantly studying and is struggling to find ways to differentiate from his classmates.
Im having a hard time not only understanding why he feels this way but also how I can help him to regain this sense of autonomy, self-confidence and sense that yes, he is still interesting and different. I believe all of those things to be true but its hard when he has to spend all day everyday studying just like his classmates and he's loosing his sense of self in the process.
On the second hand, he feeling like he is loosing his "Alpha status" in our relationship, i'm not sure how to approach that. I know he feels badly that I do most of the cooking, cleaning, planning (we live together and have for almost 2 years, dating for 4, were not married nor engaged) but the truth of the matter is, he just doesn't have time to help with those things regularly.
So, my question is--1. How do I help him to realize that yes, he needs to study all the time right now like his peers but that he has never lost his true self or the interesting things about himself ( I don't feel he has at least)
2- How can I bolster his feelings of being a necessary provider and Alpha in our relationship when he feels like Im the one taking care of him, because he doesn't have the time?

I appreciate all feedback, but if there's any guys who have struggled with either of these i'd appreciate your perspective.

Sounds like your boyfriend needs to chill the hell out, because nothing is more beta than obsessing over how alpha you are or aren't. It isn't your job to make your boyfriend value who he is as a person, only he can do that for himself. What he should learn, however, is that relationships aren't about one person running things and the other person being taken care of. They are about respect, shared goals, and trust, things you build together to help each other grow as individuals and as a couple, and that you cultivate to hopefully move forward toward the life you both find most meaningful.

 

[Osminog]

Tell him that although he's a Beta now, he's your Beta.

 

[star.buck]

I’ll go a little against the grain here as well, and agree with entadus’s post. First year is brutal, and I remember keenly feeling I wasn’t a large contributing part of the relationship anymore, because I was struggling and didn’t have the time or energy like I used to.

A major help was my husband reminding me this was very temporary, his reassurances that my work now was building towards our future together, and that he was proud of me and loved me (even when I fried from school, disheveled, and hangry).

It also helped when I started exercising again, and taking care of myself - which it can very much feel like you just don’t have the time for.

He’s your man, he always will be even through this phase. It might be good for him to need you and rely on you - and it might be good for you too. All phases in a relationship have lessons buried in them somewhere.

Best wishes to you both!

 

[shopsteward]

Not sure based on their one post that I'd assume OP is female.

OP: It is natural for your SO to connect strongly to his fellow classmates. It is also something which will be very helpful in the longer term - your SO is learning how to join the tribe "medical doctor", and the connections forged at medschool during this process are likely to be strong and lasting - this is not something that can be of concern.

Apart from that, you need to talk to your SO, preferably at a time when they've had a good night's sleep and have a few hours off from studying. Try to work out between you how best to care for yourselves, each other and your relationship in the current challenging circumstances, recognising that 1) first year med school does not last for ever and is nearly done, and 2) there will be other challenging years on the path to your SO becoming a doctor, and learning self-care and care of the relationships you have is a big part of navigating that path successfully.​