Getting married during Med School

[DoctorSaab]

Hi,

is it hard to be married and going to med school at the same time? meaning working and school and family and all that?

just wanted your opinions... bye

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[double elle]

You mentioned 'working' in your post, along with school and marraige....most medical students don't work at all. School is more than a 9-5 job.

No, I don't find it difficult at ALL to be married. I am the student and my husband is very supportive.

However....(and I have said this to many many of my classmates whose wives have felt neglected because of long hours of studying)...Your spouse MUST have something to do with his/her time. They can't be sitting home waiting with dinner on the table every night at 6 pm, only to be disappointed when you are late. Or she/he can't expect you to come home and your day pertaining to school be completely done. If your spouse revolves his/her life around yours...yes...marraige will become very difficult, as you will be extrememly busy - whether it's at home or away from home. Be sure your spouse is ready to spend some time on her own, or on her own with the kids. If you don't have kids, encourage your spouse to get a job...even a part time job. Interacting with people in the community is vital!! He/She MUST get out of the house!!!! (I always thought Bath and Body Works would be a cool place to work part time). Anyway, we've found that to be the key to making all this work. My husband has his own hobbies and his own life....he doesn't rely on me for constant entertainment. He knows I'll be in the office when an exam is coming. Sometimes I blow stuff off to hang out with him when I shouldn't..and I think it's important to do that once in a while.

Your responsibility is to make CERTAIN that you let your sweety know that they are still number ONE in your life. This can get lost in the shuffle, so you have to consciously think about it.

Most of my married classmates haven't had any problems, outside normal marraige stuff...but a few went thru an adjustment phase that was really hard on them. You have GOT to keep talking. I think the hardest part for me was the fact that I obtained this totally new life that my husband wasn't a part of. He knew none of the people I talked about....and he couldn't related to the stresses of school the way my classmates could. He didn't have a clue how to comfort me when it came to school. However, we made it past that and things have never been better.

Now, remind me to post again when the baby comes...due in ONE MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Wifty]

I just want to say that double elle is right on!

Being a spouse can be difficult, but only because of the adjustments that have to be made. For the most part, it can be really fun. Honestly, it depends on your spouse and how adaptable they are to change and their ability to go with the flow and find the enjoyment in every new encounter.

For me, its been honestly very easy, but I know that some of the other spouses have gone thru some little bumps of adjustment. It helps if you go to a school that is very supportive of the spouses. Here, there are several groups for spouses to get involved in the community and with each other.....plus the school includes them alot in activities. However, not all schools are like that and I have talked to spouses at other schools that haven't even met another spouse....that only adds to the isolation.

Also, hubby and I get together with various students so that I can know who he is talking about and share in what is going on in their lifes and they ask about and discuss what I am learning in mine.

Oh, but working with a family......really, really hard. School will keep you away from the family enough, if you work as well, you really would simply never see them and it would be easier for you to burn out. If money is a concern.....go someplace cheaper or where the cost of living is really low.

With smiles,
Rebecca

 

[Starflyr3]

Id say that marriage and med school is do-able, but NOT working - especially if you have a family. Ive been trying to juggle this one for awhile now (ok, like 5 months, but still), and its hard. My husband (John) works as an engineer, Im in 2nd year and we have a 9 year old (my step-) daughter (Boo, for anonymity), who lives with us 100% of the time. Here's a typical day:

5:00 am: John gets up, gets ready and does any financial stuff that has to be done.
6:45 am: John leaves for work

7:15 am: Boo and I get up. I make sure she's up, get her breakfast, pack her lunch, make sure she has her books, homework, etc, put her hair up, help with the outfit (its uniform, and she always tries to get around it)., and some days, take out the trash.

8:15 am: Boo's bus picks her up (if its a day I have to be at school by 8, I drop her off at 7:15 and we get up an hour early for that, I have a 30 minute drive to school).

8:15-11:30: My personal hygeine time, and Study time (the ONLY time I can study w/o distractions). Also when I do a lot of chores like laundry, vaccuuming and picking up of junk.

11:30-1:00: Drive to school, eat lunch

1:00-5:00: Classes, lecture and lab

5:30-7:00: Supervise homework, make dinner (JOhn does this sometimes too, though right now he's doing a bunch of home-improvement stuff, so I do).

7:00-8:00: Eat dinner

8:00-9:30: Supervise shower, hair drying, tooth brushing, face washing, and read bedtime story.

9:30-11:30: Time to spend with John, talking about days, etc, working on our relationship.

Then we crash and the whole mess repeats itself.

Weekends are spent catching up on stuff we've neglected (usually laundry and housecleaning). If it's right before an exam, I leave to study (go to Starbucks), since Boo usually has a friend over, and there's lots of shrieking. However, that means that stuff doesnt get done.

I have NO idea where holding down an extra job would fit in, unless it was morning work-study where I could do homework while working.

Star

 

[Starflyr]

Oops. That was really me. above. Whoops!

Star

 

[smilez428]

so I assume all of you were married before medical school? any advice about getting married during medical school? when do you guys think would be the best time to do it, if any?

 

[maysqrd]

I think the only time that would be good is the break between 1st and 2nd year. Or if your lucky your school might have a long enough winter break to do something.

 

[SDMD2B]

Wonderful advice Double Elle, Starflyer, Wifty...

I've got a couple more thoughts and suggestions.
Marriage is definitely doable in med school. My wife has been my own private fan club, counselor, motivational speaker, and consultant. Lord knows we all have enough ups and downs and stressful times...it's great to have a devoted partner to help you though the ratrace.

My wife and I got married about three months before med school started. The timing was wonderful since we were able to spend a full month-long honeymoon in Italy. I agree that the best time to do it would be after first year, unless you are able to take some time off (eg during fourth year). It is really important to mark the occasion by devoting a whole bunch of exclusive time.

I also find that it is so important for each partner to have their own realm. My wife is a teacher and she keeps herself plenty busy--very seldom are the times when she's home waiting around for me. I agree when your respective workloads get lopsided, it can be quite dangerous.

Here are some more things that have made it bearable for us:
-Try to devote time to 'debriefing' every day. For us this may come over dinner, while jogging/rollerblading, or in a pinch during a quick cell phone call (free mobile to mobile minutes!). Never underestimate the importance of good communication.
-Have your spouse visit you at the hospital (maybe with dinner?) on a couple of call nights a month. It is great to have them meet the people on your team (whom you are spending many hours with and often sleeping next to in the call room!) and see what it is like to work in the conditions we do.
-When possible, avoid 'med school talk'. Sure there are times when all you want to do is talk your fellow students' ears off about weird patients or cool residents or unforgettable attendings, but be considerate of your spouse if you're in mixed company...it can get pretty annoying if that's all you talk about.
-Plan things together. This has been a struggle, but I'm hoping that things will work out for both of us as I ready my residency application. I'm applying only to places that have grad schools that she's interested in. No residency program is worth making your spouse unhappy.

MOST OF ALL...BE KIND TO EACH OTHER!! Our friends who have had trouble seem to lose this first; and it's all downhill once the kindness stops.

Good luck,
CR

 

[Starflyr]

Originally posted by smilez428
so I assume all of you were married before medical school? any advice about getting married during medical school? when do you guys think would be the best time to do it, if any?

Actually, no. We got married after my 1st year. FIrst year was great - had all kinds of time to myself, all afternoon and evening, usually. Could study, watch TV, eat what I wanted, when I wanted it. Of course, it was also pretty lonely, b/c they lived 5 hours away. So this family thing is pretty new to me. I think that the only possible time to really get married (and have time to be involved in planning it) is between years 1 and 2. I have some friends who are getting married over Xmas of 3rd year, but they're mostly guys and their fiance's are NOT med students.

Star

 

[pathdr2b]

It's hard to be married no matter what you do!