ER docs — How do you keep your wife happy?

[dadaddadaBATMAN]

A lot of doctors get married pretty young (20s) and then are divorced by their late 30s and 40s. I can understand why female doctors marry early due to their biological clock. Not sure why men rush into marriage early.

If you found someone you’re happy with and you are asking them to just move to wherever a random number generator places you, you kind of have to commit.

Also, it’s hard to date in parts of med school and all residency, which I am sure adds to it

Overall I might not have gotten married without kids in picture when I was young.

Spending more time in a field where most everyone is old, it can really suck to figure things out if your unmarried life partner is sick or dying.

Way less headache when married for hcpoa/next of kin questions, financial choices, estate planning, etc.

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[HoosierdaddyO]

Its only around 30% of first time marriages that end in divorce.

Where do you see these stats, every forum or stat shows 1st marriage has a 50ish percent divorce rate. And for 2nd marriages is even higher in the high 60s/70 rate??

 

[VA Hopeful Dr]

Where do you see these stats, every forum or stat shows 1st marriage has a 50ish percent divorce rate. And for 2nd marriages is even higher in the high 60s/70 rate??

Divorce Statistics: How Many Marriages End in Divorce?

More research is needed to determine divorce statistics within the first year of marriage. As of 2015, 22% of couples divorce within the first five years.

psychcentral.com

 

[BoardingDoc]

Where do you see these stats, every forum or stat shows 1st marriage has a 50ish percent divorce rate. And for 2nd marriages is even higher in the high 60s/70 rate??

The Divorce Rate Is Dropping. That May Not Actually Be Good News

Cohabitation has destructive downsides

time.com

Number, Timing and Duration of Marriages and Divorces

The report provides a uniquely comprehensive look at marital patterns in the United States.

www.census.gov

Takeaway from the census: "Among ever-married adults 20 years and over, 34% of women and 33% of men had ever been divorced; the percentage ever-divorced was highest (about 43%) for adults of both sexes ages 55 to 64."

 

[HoosierdaddyO]

When you account for separation and divorce the number for 1st time marriages is around 50 percent. Numerous studies dictate this number as well and not as a fallacy. Also keep in mind states vary based on their weirdness of separation laws and mandatory time before a divorce will be granted etc. I believe the 50 percent number🤷🏼‍♂️Lol. I don’t want to, but with society being the big steaming pile of dung beetle, I believe that more lol!

 

[VA Hopeful Dr]

When you account for separation and divorce the number for 1st time marriages is around 50 percent. Numerous studies dictate this number as well and not as a fallacy. Also keep in mind states vary based on their weirdness of separation laws and mandatory time before a divorce will be granted etc. I believe the 50 percent number🤷🏼‍♂️Lol. I don’t want to, but with society being the big steaming pile of dung beetle, I believe that more lol!

Except its not.

Also, pertinent to SDN the divorce rate for physicians is around 22%.

 

[GonnaBeADoc2222]

Except its not.

Also, pertinent to SDN the divorce rate for physicians is around 22%.

I'll concede 22% to be generous and for the sake of this discussion.

If someone told you you had a 1/5 chance of getting into a car accident, would you drive that day?

Why is it different for marriage?

What tangible benefit are you receiving that you cannot have through an informal "partnership" by marrying a person who makes 0 to 50% your income?

 

[VA Hopeful Dr]

I'll concede 22% to be generous and for the sake of this discussion.

If someone told you you had a 1/5 chance of getting into a car accident, would you drive that day?

Why is it different for marriage?

What tangible benefit are you receiving that you cannot have through an informal "partnership" by marrying a person who makes 0 to 50% your income?

But its not a 1/5 chance of getting a divorce today. Its a 1/5 chance in my entire life. I'll absolutely take those odds. Same with driving a car.

Marriage shouldn't be a risk/benefit calculation. Its a personal decision between you and another person to join your lives together. If you don't think its right for you, don't do it. It was right for me so we got married.

 

[dadaddadaBATMAN]

I'll concede 22% to be generous and for the sake of this discussion.

If someone told you you had a 1/5 chance of getting into a car accident, would you drive that day?

Why is it different for marriage?

What tangible benefit are you receiving that you cannot have through an informal "partnership" by marrying a person who makes 0 to 50% your income?

You seem to be conflating your not valuing something with it not having value.

1. Lifetime risk is not daily, as above
2. Divorce is unpleasant, but unless you are aware of some statutes I’m not it does not potentially involve death or dismemberment

Benefits off top of my head: tax benefits, dependent/benefit election, link for social security benefits if you die, next of kin designation in most states, Default estate planning (your boyfriend/girlfriend gets nothing if your family doesn’t want to and you don’t have a will like most people), ease of opening joint accounts, personal gesture of recognition/value and commitment, societal recognition, cultural value.

It’s not impossible to replicate a lot of these things, but it takes a lot more work and will come with hazards of atypical setup/situation. Like doing a procedure you’ve never done before.

 

[WilcoWorld]

Agree with the above - putting an actuarialized dollar value on partnership is to compare incommensurables.

Stated otherwise, if your question is "what is the value, in USD, of a lifelong partnership with this person?" then you've already answered the question of whether to get married - and your answer is "no". That's cool - no judgement from me. It's a very good decision for a lot of people - perhaps even most. But it's a decision you make based on what is important to you, not based on % and $$$.

Stated otherwise once more, marriage is an arational decision not an irrational decision. It's not arrived at through logic, but it's not a logical contradiction either.

 

[DarkHorizon]

I'll concede 22% to be generous and for the sake of this discussion.

If someone told you you had a 1/5 chance of getting into a car accident, would you drive that day?

Why is it different for marriage?

What tangible benefit are you receiving that you cannot have through an informal "partnership" by marrying a person who makes 0 to 50% your income?

Some of us want families and children.

 

[WilcoWorld]

To the OP - I'm sorry but I don't think one can keep their wife happy. I think one can strive to be the best partner they can be and genuinely hope for and work towards their partner's happiness. But ultimately it's up to your partner whether or not they'll be happy.

A more useful question may be "how to be a good partner"? I think the answer to this is simple, but far from easy: Pay attention.

 

[emergentmd]

I’ve been married 5 years. The secret to marital success was finding a low maintenance wife who derives her own happiness from giving to others.

She has only asked for 2 things in our life together. One was an SUV instead of a sedan when she had moved to the US and we were buying a second car. Second she wanted a forever home so that she wouldn’t have to move again - she didn’t want to buy a starter home last year when we were moving after she finished her residency.

Otherwise she’s very easy going. Time spent together makes her happy. A thoughtful note or text makes her happy. Talking on the phone with family makes her happy. Eating out makes her happy, doesn’t even have to be anything fancy, we barely go to very high end restaurants. And usually when i pull my weight in taking care of our daughter, that makes her happy.

We also have a maid every 3 or so weeks, i think that makes her life much easier. She would probably be a lot more angry if we didn’t have that.

I completely agree that you have to find a spouse that finds happiness if something outside of the relationship b/c it is tiring to be the source of her/his happiness. I guess people call this being too clingy.

My wife is probably the nicest and giving person you will meet. I get into it with her b/c she over does it but that is what makes her happy. She likes nice stuff but she gets more happiness seeing other people happy. Something I will never be able to feel.

 

[emergentmd]

I work with alot of white american nurses/staff in my 20 yr career and I will say the a super majority of them are plain crazy. Either on crazy meds, or constantly looking for drama. Rarely will you find some that will not partake in work place rumor mongering and drama seeking. If you find one that hates this and gravitates towards just doing their job, this may be a keeper.

The drama I hear from these nurses makes me thankful every day that my wife likes a low drama life. Drama she hears of, she locks it up, and moves on without getting involved. I do the same.

From my experience this is how I see marriages
1. 50% end up in divorce - Miserable
2. 50% of what is left is unhappy but stays in for financial/kiddie reasons - double miserable
3. 50% of what is left is in a "blah" relationship and just living - kind of miserable
4. The last 12.5% are truly happy and would continue to pick marriage over being single/dating.

So the divorce rate is not the true measure of getting married or not. It is the 12.5% you are shooting for which is much smaller. If you do not believe me, look around and see how many unhappy marriages there are.

Eventhough I put myself in the 12.5%, there are days when being single doesn't seem all bad.

 

[Franzd'Epinay]

From my experience this is how I see marriages
1. 50% end up in divorce - Miserable
2. 50% of what is left is unhappy but stays in for financial/kiddie reasons - double miserable
3. 50% of what is left is in a "blah" relationship and just living - kind of miserable
4. The last 12.5% are truly happy and would continue to pick marriage over being single/dating.

So the divorce rate is not the true measure of getting married or not. It is the 12.5% you are shooting for which is much smaller. If you do not believe me, look around and see how many unhappy marriages there are.

Eventhough I put myself in the 12.5%, there are days when being single doesn't seem all bad.

I'd be willing to bet a large number of those miserable people would be just as miserable single, dating, married, divorced, or widowed. There are juts a lot of intrinsically miserable people out there.

 

[Kryptocoin]

I work with alot of white american nurses/staff in my 20 yr career and I will say the a super majority of them are plain crazy. Either on crazy meds, or constantly looking for drama. Rarely will you find some that will not partake in work place rumor mongering and drama seeking. If you find one that hates this and gravitates towards just doing their job, this may be a keeper.

The drama I hear from these nurses makes me thankful every day that my wife likes a low drama life. Drama she hears of, she locks it up, and moves on without getting involved. I do the same.

From my experience this is how I see marriages
1. 50% end up in divorce - Miserable
2. 50% of what is left is unhappy but stays in for financial/kiddie reasons - double miserable
3. 50% of what is left is in a "blah" relationship and just living - kind of miserable
4. The last 12.5% are truly happy and would continue to pick marriage over being single/dating.

So the divorce rate is not the true measure of getting married or not. It is the 12.5% you are shooting for which is much smaller. If you do not believe me, look around and see how many unhappy marriages there are.

Eventhough I put myself in the 12.5%, there are days when being single doesn't seem all bad.

You bring up a good point on how the 50% divorce rate doesn't tell the whole story. Remaining in a loveless and sexless marriage is worse than divorce to me.

 

[emergentmd]

I'd be willing to bet a large number of those miserable people would be just as miserable single, dating, married, divorced, or widowed. There are juts a lot of intrinsically miserable people out there.

I tell my kids this all the time. Some people are just born to be miserable. Some born to be happy. My FIL was in a reeducation camp for 7 yrs and one of the happiest people I know who volunteers and never bitter about his experience. Just happy to be alive with family members.

I see people who have the world handed to them and find the most insignificant things to be miserable about.

You have to choose the path you want.

 

[sylvanthus]

I agree with the poster who said find a low maintenance wife. Mine thankfully is super low maintenance. She drives a 10 year old minivan which I offered to upgrade but shes happy with it. She checks in with me when she spends any money over like 50 bucks. Doesnt buy expensive nicknacks. Home schools the kids. Likes cheap vacations (took the trailer to a few RV parks in oregon and california). Luckily shes cool with traditional old school gender roles despite being a PA. Tough to find nowadays.