DO [Deleted post]

[carrot395]

[Deleted post]

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[Kkshake]

Serious question: If you're in your mid 20s, how is dating for 6 years practically growing up together?

 

[deleted480308]

Boyfriends aren’t worth career changing decisions. Husbands are.

If he hasn’t proposed yet, with a definited marriage date set, then you apply like a single person and rank accordingly.

If he’s a husband then you can rank to attempt to accomodate him and if the match goes sideways he moves as soon as he can to join you

My wife’s geographical needs changed my rank list significantly

 

[ndafife]

What does boyfriend do that he can't move?

But relationship dynamic stuff aside, it really comes down to 1) what city/area you are applying for, 2) what specialty, 3) how competitive are you for that specialty and the programs in that city.

NYC has a lot more programs in the city and surrounding area than Seattle. Family Med is different than Orthopedics. Are you an average applicant vs a very competitive applicant?

 

[ACSurgeon]

Hi everyone, I am only a second year medical student and nowhere near residency application. I am simply curious about how other people have decided between staying in the same location as their significant other vs. breaking up and moving far away to go to a better residency program.

I am 24 and he is 25. Lately my boyfriend and I have been talking about getting married at the end of medical school. I am very excited and I look forward to this. Getting married is my most important life goal, and I think that I will never meet someone as compatible as him. Also, we dated for 6 years so we practically grew up together. We are both located in the same city right now, after doing 3 years of long distance in the past. I am in medical school and he is in law school, and we will graduate in the same year. Fortunately there are many many hospitals that have internal medicine residency here (my goal), and I will be happy to do residency in my medical school's hospital. Long distance was an awful experience for both of us, so I certainly will not do long distance again. If I match away from my boyfriend then I will have to break up.

I do not go to a top 40 medical school, and I am an above average student in my class. Maybe even top 25%. I am worried that I may not be able to match into a prestigious program if I limit my residency application to a certain location, just so I can pursue my personal life. Also in a way, I worry that I am not being ambitious enough. When I was in undergrad, I cared more about ranking and prestige, but now I think about other things like geographic location and marriage...

Any comments for how you decided between staying in the same location as your significant other vs. breaking up and moving far away to go to a better residency program?

Why can’t he move with you if you two graduate the same year?

Also, you can compromise some things without really changing your career much. For example you can train at an academic program in town, that while it doesn’t give you prestige, still allows you to match into fellowship or get the job type you want.

Giving up prestige for important life goals is reasonable. Changing your career entirely (academic vs community job, surgery vs medical, doing a fellowship vs not) is a major thing and should cause you to take time and assess the big picture. You might resent him if you hate your job for 30 years. You shouldn’t care as much about being an academic internist at University of Montana or Harvard if the nature of the work is similar.

 

[TypeADissection]

Please send update in 2 years whether or not you guys broke up, couples matched or something else. Cheers.

 

[intubesteak]

You should both be 100% equally willing to move/sacrifice/make it work if you are serious about marriage. And if you are caring less about prestige at this point in your career, that's fine--I wouldn't force some prestigious academic career on yourself just because you may have the stats.

 

[Smurfette]

Any comments for how you decided between staying in the same location as your significant other vs. breaking up and moving far away to go to a better residency program?

Going to be a bit harsh as well.

The fact that you view your situation as the 2 options above speaks volumes. If you're really, deep down, planning to marry him, you would be considering ways for him to move with you and would already be having these conversations with him as to where geographically you (plural, as in you and him) are willing to relocate to for your further training. Why if you move does it have to be long distance rather than being together somewhere else? Long distance is hard but if you guys are truly meant to be, you would try and find a way to maintain a relationship, even if it is long-distance. Why did you not mention conversations you two have had about your future career and training goals? If you can't picture him in your life outside of wherever you currently live, perhaps he's not the one for you. A new location with better residency prospects likely has plenty of prospects for a new lawyer just starting out as well, so it would be helpful to know why he can't leave your current area. Perhaps that would change our responses to you.

Are you asking this question because you want us to tell you to break up with him so you can pursue the programs you want? If you are considering ending the relationship, do it now rather than stringing him along for another couple years. That way you both can move on.

 

[STcmOCSD]

I feel like breaking up or getting married should not be 2 options going through your mind at the same time. If you’re serious enough for marriage the possibility of breaking up should be far from your mind. The second question I ask is what your concern for prestige is? The matter of the issue is, you’ll become a doctor no matter what residency you go to so long as you complete the requirements of that residency. Is going to a more prestigious residency really worth a lifetime with the person you love? Is it worth breaking things off with someone you’re considering marrying?

Also, putting all medical things aside, I implore you to deeply consider why you want to get married. Marriage is great but often we girls get so caught up in the idea of marriage and forget about the person involved in it. When you word it that marriage is your most important life goal, it makes it seem you just want to be married and happened to find a decent person. Marrying someone just for the sake of being married will not help your relationship. You have to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love him and when things get tough you’ll be able to work through them together. People idealize marriage when in reality it’s incredibly tough and difficult.

Anyways, sorry for my spiel. If it were me I’d choose the person I love over a more prestigious residency all day long.

 

[MSTPlease]

Strongly determines? Lol no.

 

[nlax30]

OK so the reason why I don't want him to relocate is because staying in the current location will be best for his law career. I want him to have the best career opportunity as possible without me dragging him down. Long distance will never work out for us because we would be too unhappy, so the next logical step is to break up if we end up separated for residency. This has nothing to do with how much we love each other or how serious we are.

Ummm.... it kinda does. If you didn't care for him or ya'll weren't that serious then this would be easy right? Then you could just make your plans and not worry about him.

No one here is going to be able to tell you what to do because this is a decision you and your BF/partner have to make. There is no one right or wrong answer either.
The two of you need to have some serious sit down discussions of what the two of you want and who is willing to do what. It's part of being an adult. My significant other was about to enter into a post graduate program when we met and when it looked this was going to be a serious long term thing we had to make decisions about where she was and was not going to apply to and while it did change where she ended up attending the decision was a joint one we came to and accepted. The same happened when I had to apply for residency, fellowship and now this latest fellowship. Each time we had decisions to make as far as do I continue training (which impacts us financially), do I apply elsewhere and potentially move the family or stay locally and potentially limit options elsewhere. Each time there wasn't a right or wrong answer but it just required us talking it out, figuring out what our priorities were and what we could and couldn't live with.

Some couples make decide that their relationship is not all that important and decide to break up which is fine. Some may decide that there's no way they'd want a spouse potentially regretting not pursuing a prestigious training program in a different city and thus be ok with moving with them or dealing with a long distance relationship for a few years. Others may decide that they one of both of them will sacrifice (potentially) some in the career department to stay together locally if they already have strong ties to the area..... But the internet can't help you with this one.

 

[edgerock24]

OK so the reason why I don't want him to relocate is because staying in the current location will be best for his law career. I want him to have the best career opportunity as possible without me dragging him down. Long distance will never work out for us because we would be too unhappy, so the next logical step is to break up if we end up separated for residency. This has nothing to do with how much we love each other or how serious we are.

I am worried that on my end, I may not be able to match into a good internal medicine residency program in the same location, because my medical school is not a top 40 and I probably won't score above 250 step 1 (I started studying for it already b/c it's the one thing I have total control over. Taking it at end of May). I heard from people this week that medical school ranking strongly determines which residency you can go to, so I may have to expand residency application to other areas in the country, and rank programs without considering his location.

If you truly love each other, then you'll make it work.

 

[deleted480308]

WOuld your boyfriend rather not have you than the job?

Because that sounds a lot like you aren’t really that into each other...6 years and no proposal either?

 

[AsianPersuasion]

OP's post is a little confusing. You want IM at your flagship hospital, that you and your BF are currently at, but you feel like you're selling yourself short if you go to that hospital? The same hospital in the same city that you think your BF will be successful at?

Have you talked to your BF about what he wants and where he wants to practice law?

 

[Stagg737]

OK so the reason why I don't want him to relocate is because staying in the current location will be best for his law career. I want him to have the best career opportunity as possible without me dragging him down. Long distance will never work out for us because we would be too unhappy, so the next logical step is to break up if we end up separated for residency. This has nothing to do with how much we love each other or how serious we are.

I am worried that on my end, I may not be able to match into a good internal medicine residency program in the same location, because my medical school is not a top 40 and I probably won't score above 250 step 1 (I started studying for it already b/c it's the one thing I have total control over. Taking it at end of May). I heard from people this week that medical school ranking strongly determines which residency you can go to, so I may have to expand residency application to other areas in the country, and rank programs without considering his location.

To your underlined statement, unless you go to an elite med school, geographic location will likely play a far greater role in terms of where you're able to match than your school's rank. Regardless of that, the rank of your medical school is now out of your control, so don't worry about it for now and focus on the things you can control (like you are for Step 1).

To the rest of your posts: relationships, especially marriage, require communication, work, and sacrifice. Whether you like it or not, at some point one of you (probably both) is going to have to make some sort of sacrifice in terms of your career. That's where the serious conversation has to come in, so you're both on the same page about what your goals are, where you're willing to be flexible, and even if the points you're not willing to sacrifice are compatible. You don't have to make any concrete decisions now, and you shouldn't as your goals may change significantly through third year. It is something you all should be aware of though, especially if you see this relationship potentially lasting a lifetime.

 

[Gray Fox]

Boyfriends aren’t worth career changing decisions. Husbands are.

If he hasn’t proposed yet, with a definited marriage date set, then you apply like a single person and rank accordingly.

If he’s a husband then you can rank to attempt to accomodate him and if the match goes sideways he moves as soon as he can to join you

My wife’s geographical needs changed my rank list significantly

Man droppin some serious wisdom bombs

 

[DokterMom]

From what you've said, it sounds like being "Mrs. Him" is far more important to you than being "Dr. You". If those are truly your priorities and you'd rather strangle your own career opportunities than ask him to sub-optimize or detour his career even a tiny bit -- well, that's your decision to make. Own it. And recognize that this will be a decision with life-long repercussions.

Or, you could have a serious conversation with him and explain how medical education works. That first you take STEP 1 and decide on a specialty. Then, once you know how strong your hand is (STEP 1, competitiveness of specialty, desired locations, class rank, school prestige, etc.) you begin to make strategic decisions. For instance, if you score a 240 and want IM in San Francisco, you do NOT have a very strong hand. If you score 250 and want IM in NYC, the large number of training spots increases your odds of matching tremendously, but the risk is of ending up in a malignant residency. If you score 245 and want IM in Boston, then you've got a decent shot, but need to consider sub-optimal options. You've said IM, but you haven't named the city -- it would really help to know the city.

Once you know your competitiveness, you will obviously apply to all of your most preferred programs. The tough spot is where to apply that does not meet your 'dream job' criteria. Where do you sacrifice geography for program quality? If you can add a second- and third-ranked city, that triples your options. But if you're so picky about only perfect geography for him, then that puts your career in pretty serious jeopardy. Failure to match as a senior is a BIG, BIG problem. Where does HE sacrifice? If he's willing to go to NYC, Boston, Philly or DC, then odds are high you can find a good program for you and a good city for him. If he's not willing to sacrifice his career for yours at all, well, frankly, that's a big red flag in my book and should be in yours.

Compare the downsides -- For you, not matching would be disastrous. For him, moving to Hartford to be with you would get him off to a slower start - probably - but would certainly not be career-ending if he's a decent lawyer.

 

[AsianPersuasion]

Honestly, listen to @DokterMom her advice are always on spot!