Dating as a non-trad

[chilaxin]

I'm a medical student who has settled into school, as much as one can and am ready to start dating again. The problem is that I'm 34 years old. The women in the age range I'm looking to date are mostly looking for successfully guys with good jobs and financial security. Of which I have none. In addition, there's always the time factor. Is it even possible for a guy in my situation to date? I tried online dating and was quite successful with women until they found out I was a student. When they did, poof, they disappeared.

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[Scottish Chap]

I'm a medical student who has settled into school, as much as one can and am ready to start dating again. The problem is that I'm 34 years old. The women in the age range I'm looking to date are mostly looking for successfully guys with good jobs and financial security. Of which I have none. In addition, there's always the time factor. Is it even possible for a guy in my situation to date? I tried online dating and was quite successful with women until they found out I was a student. When they did, poof, they disappeared.

I would just focus on medical school. From personal experience, the right person really does come along when you're not looking. As a side note: would you really want to date someone who cares that much about your current status or paycheck? I can't believe all women in their mid-30's are like that.

 

[Law2Doc]

I can't believe all women in their mid-30's are like that.

Nah. Not that many older gold-diggers -- that's a young gal's sport. Women in that age range are more often in the "must find somebody before it's too late", or "gotta silence the ticking of this biological clock" mode.

 

[Scottish Chap]

Nah. Not that many older gold-diggers -- that's a young gal's sport. Women in that age range are more often in the "must find somebody before it's too late", or "gotta silence the ticking of this biological clock" mode.

Nonsense. You have no faith, or you've been burned. My wife was in her early 30's and, when she met me, I as a Ph.D. student and she had a blossoming career. She told me she liked the fact that I was so focused. The lack of funds was insignificant. Not much has changed....

 

[ManimalJax]

Hey, chilaxin,

I sort of understand what you mean. I am 25 years old at the moment. I got two liberal arts degrees as an undergraduate and I immediately enrolled into a post-bac program. Right now, I am just job-hunting and studying for the MCAT. Fortunately, I have a job lined up for me after I take the MCAT but it will barely be enough to support myself, let alone go out on a couple of dates. I tried dating but it ended up as a disaster because I wore the stress of the MCAT on my face and everywhere I went. She thought I was a loser and then decided to stop dating me. I don't give a d*** (can we say the "d" word in these forums?) but I got the idea that I'm not a prime candidate for dating at the moment. It sucks because everyone I graduated with now have stable jobs, a steady income, and are dating left and right. Such are the trials that come with the territory...but those who make the greatest sacrifices prevail in the end (or so I would like to believe).

 

[teddybear]

would you really want to date someone who cares that much about your current status or paycheck? I can't believe all women in their mid-30's are like that.

Yes they are. No, just kidding. Seriously, I agree that you should focus on your goals right now. If a woman can't appreciate the fact that you're ambitious and you're working on being in a better position someday then she's not good enough for you.

 

[Nanon]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time with the ladies. It might not be just a money thing, though. Medical school and residency take up a lot of a person's time, and at least some of these dates are probably thinking, "Eight years is a long time to wait..." Additionally, not that many people are down with marrying a doctor, believe it or not. At least not in my circle of friends.

If it is about the money, well, I like to tell my younger girlfriends that a woman should never, ever marry for money. Marry a guy with intelligence and motivation, and he'll probably make money eventually, and bonus, you'll still have something to say to each other after 50 years. Money comes and goes, but stupid is forever.

 

[QofQuimica]

I would just focus on medical school. From personal experience, the right person really does come along when you're not looking. As a side note: would you really want to date someone who cares that much about your current status or paycheck? I can't believe all women in their mid-30's are like that.

I'm a single woman in my mid-thirties, and I agree. Money is definitely not my main motivation in life, or I'd have never gone to medical school at all. Like many nontrads, I was already making a decent salary and gave up other opportunities that would have paid better to go to medical school. Now being a student myself, I'm certainly not in a position to criticize someone else's lack of a paycheck.

Nah. Not that many older gold-diggers -- that's a young gal's sport. Women in that age range are more often in the "must find somebody before it's too late", or "gotta silence the ticking of this biological clock" mode.

For someone who gets so annoyed when people make unfair generalizations about lawyers, you're awfully quick to make the same kind of judgments about other groups of people, dontcha think?

OP, my advice to you is to stop trying so hard. No one (male or female) wants to be with a person who comes across as desperate for companionship. You may feel ready to date and get on with things, but it's not like you can go to the store and take the perfect girl for you off the shelf. Just go about your business and take the opportunities to meet people and network as they come up. You never know when or where you will meet someone interesting: the gym, a grocery store, even on the city bus. The more people you know, the better your odds will be: even if a girl you meet and like is not single, some of her friends or maybe her sister will be. Best of luck to you.

 

[Law2Doc]

For someone who gets so annoyed when people make unfair generalizations about lawyers, you're awfully quick to make the same kind of judgments about other groups of people, dontcha think?

Yeah that was a bit of a generalization, and I certainly didn't say all women over a certain age were in this category (I said "more often"). But you have to admit we have seen examples of both of what I describe in a fairly recent thread, and I'm pretty sure a lot of folks reading this thread who are of that age group know examples of both. Sure there are definitely folks who are still very picky and/or career focused over 30, but there are also folks who have a biological or relationship agenda/timetable and are driving around with their taxi light on. Not just women either, although for reproductive reasons the timing issue tends to be more intense. For guys it tends to be not wanting to be that third wheel once all your friends have couple up, or the creepy old guy scamming at the local meatmarket.

It's probably less of an issue today than it was 20 years ago, because the average age that folks marry and have kids (particularly in the northeast and west coast) has increased significantly, and folks coupling up in their 30s is no longer so unusual. These days the folks marrying right out of high school are the atypical ones. Probably a function of people living longer and reproductive technology letting folks have kids later and later.

 

[Vith]

You could always prowl for undergrads.

 

[Travisgee]

Two words chilaxin; Tom Leykis. Just stick to the tenents of Leykis 101 and you'll do just fine.

 

[chilaxin]

Being in medical school does take a lot of time, however, in order to succeed one truly needs balance in their life. That's why I'm doing the online dating thing, because it takes little time, relatively speaking.

I've decided that I'm certainly not going to put it in my profile that I'm a student and only break it to them at a later point. If she has a problem with it at that point, then she's not worth my time. Dating is fun in itself. I didn't say I was looking for the love of my life, just for some excitement. However, if I do meet the right woman, and she's out there, then I'll stay with her. So I'm pretty much going to keep doing what I've been doing.

To those who believe that 'the right one' will come along, I'm sorry, but, for guys at least, it usually doesn't work that way. No offense meant towards the ladies, it's just that most woman can wait and you will get asked out and in time the right one will come along. To us guys, well, we have to actively work on meeting woman.

One thing is for sure, I'm not putting off dating until I have more time. It goes like this: I'll wait until I'm done with medical school. I'm so busy now as a resident, I'll wait until I'm done with my residency. Wow, I can't believe how hard my fellowship is turning out... You get the point. As a future doctor, time will always be a major factor in a relationship.

Anyhow, I appreciate ALL of your responses.


Travisgee, there's a lot of truth behind what some things Tom Leykis has to say, unfortunately.

 

[chilaxin]

That means your age range is too old.

18-22yo my friend.

Would that be robbing the cradle or stealing from the grave?

 

[healthyhappy]

see post below

 

[healthyhappy]

An interesting article in Psychology Today noted that woman with greater intelligence (I can't remember exactly the criteria they were using to define intelligence, but I believe it was a combination of IQ and level of education) actually care very little about income level in potential spouses. The observation made was that, as women become entirely self-sufficient and successful in their careers, they are no longer relying on men's financial security for their own survival (and the survival of their children). They aren't seeking someone to "put food on the table" so much as someone who can be a supportive, intelligent and progressive ally to them as they pursue their goals and start a family.

So, my advice: just find a smart lady. [/quote]

 

[calimed214]

An interesting article in Psychology Today noted that woman with greater intelligence (I can't remember exactly the criteria they were using to define intelligence, but I believe it was a combination of IQ and level of education) actually care very little about income level in potential spouses. The observation made was that, as women become entirely self-sufficient and successful in their careers, they are no longer relying on men's financial security for their own survival (and the survival of their children). They aren't seeking someone to "put food on the table" so much as someone who can be a supportive, intelligent and progressive ally to them as they pursue their goals and start a family.

So, my advice: just find a smart lady.

[/quote]

Funny you should mention this, because I would actually LOVE to find a house husband

 

[chilaxin]

I'm not exactly going to school in a part of the country where women are "career oriented". Before I get bashed let me add that I'm not talking about intelligence here. Just career aspirations.

 

[student1799]

.

 

[student1799]

"Funny you should mention this, because I would actually LOVE to find a house husband "

Yes, that would come in SO handy. I could fire my nanny, and maybe we could eat a few more home-cooked meals instead of ordering in. Not to mention that there'd always be someone home to wait for the cable TV guy to show up ...

P.S. I actually have a great husband who does pitch in, but he insists on having a career outside the home. How selfish of him.

 

[agirl]

An interesting article in Psychology Today noted that woman with greater intelligence (I can't remember exactly the criteria they were using to define intelligence, but I believe it was a combination of IQ and level of education) actually care very little about income level in potential spouses. The observation made was that, as women become entirely self-sufficient and successful in their careers, they are no longer relying on men's financial security for their own survival (and the survival of their children). They aren't seeking someone to "put food on the table" so much as someone who can be a supportive, intelligent and progressive ally to them as they pursue their goals and start a family.

So, my advice: just find a smart lady.

[/quote]


That is very interesting and smart.

 

[Lacheln]

Money comes and goes, but stupid is forever.

I LOVE THAT.

My grandmother used to say "Don't marry for money, but go where the rich boys are and fall in love."

Personally I have mixed feelings on the issue - I feel like I'm in limbo until this med school thing is sorted out. I'm seeing someone, but have been very careful to keep it at a certain level because of the uncertainty. Oh, and for the record, he's a PhD student, only in his 2nd year, so there won't be any money on that train for quite a while!

 

[AliveNkickin]

Many men and women are not so open with their money. I think the whole shared bank account concept was more an ideal of our parent's generation. The divorce rate is at least twice what it used to be.

I've seen the extreme, where people with inequal incomes come together and say they "love" eachother, then stand by as the other enjoys a completely different standard of living. It seems a bit strange, but not unfair.. I guess. Just not really my style. At least we're all a bunch of broke students.. Misery loves company!

 

[prone2xl]

ohhhh can I relate to this one. a little over a year ago I decided to do the non-trad med school route. we were in a long distance relationship. I was 26 and am a 27/m now. Girlfriend was supportive of it but concerned that I was choosing my career over her. (How do you convince someone that it's not that way, it's just somethign you feel you have to do for both of you)? so basically now as a year has passed and I am that much closer to applying she breaks up with me right before I have to study for the MCAT and finish up my pre-reqs while working full time. I can honestly say that a woman has never broken my heart like this before and it cut me reallll deep and still does. It's been 48 days since we've seen each other and ahve only talked recently on the phone. she is thinking about letting me see her in person but is scared that i will hurt her and our lives have different goals... I can't seem to focus on school (which starts in a week) or anything else.. I want to clear this up with her in person so bad that I'm even considering buying a ring and showing her my commitment level with her. we have known each other a great while and were both ready but never in the same city. I don't know how i'm going to be able to hold my composure and get all this important work done with this hovering over my head... gosh I know how you feel it's awful!!

 

[teddybear]

ohhhh can I relate to this one. a little over a year ago I decided to do the non-trad med school route. we were in a long distance relationship. I was 26 and am a 27/m now. Girlfriend was supportive of it but concerned that I was choosing my career over her. (How do you convince someone that it's not that way, it's just somethign you feel you have to do for both of you)? so basically now as a year has passed and I am that much closer to applying she breaks up with me right before I have to study for the MCAT and finish up my pre-reqs while working full time. I can honestly say that a woman has never broken my heart like this before and it cut me reallll deep and still does. It's been 48 days since we've seen each other and ahve only talked recently on the phone. she is thinking about letting me see her in person but is scared that i will hurt her and our lives have different goals... I can't seem to focus on school (which starts in a week) or anything else.. I want to clear this up with her in person so bad that I'm even considering buying a ring and showing her my commitment level with her. we have known each other a great while and were both ready but never in the same city. I don't know how i'm going to be able to hold my composure and get all this important work done with this hovering over my head... gosh I know how you feel it's awful!!

Don't buy a ring or make any other financial investment just yet without talking to her some more. And definitely don't wreck your grades over her. You'll regret it if you do. If she can't understand that you're working towards a goal and that it requires sacrifice then she's not worth it.

 

[Lizzi]

.

 

[Lacheln]

I saw this and thought of this thread. (Which probably means I'm on SDN WAY TOO MUCH.)

 

[J ROD]

Just go to Russia and get a beautiful, young bride when you are done with school!

Da!!

 

[GreenShirt]

Uh, did the you tell the women you were a medical student? I find it hard to believe that women who are interested in financial security would turn down someone who has a 6-7 figure income potential.

Have you tried dating other med school students? Two 30+ students in my class were engaged before our final grades were in MS-I. I'm not usually a proponent of class-cest but it makes sense. You would have similar priorities and understanding of the demands on you both.

 

[teddybear]

Uh, did the you tell the women you were a medical student? I find it hard to believe that women who are interested in financial security would turn down someone who has a 6-7 figure income potential.

Have you tried dating other med school students? Two 30+ students in my class were engaged before our final grades were in MS-I. I'm not usually a proponent of class-cest but it makes sense. You would have similar priorities and understanding of the demands on you both.

Ha ha...class cest...academic inbreeding? (grin)

 

[Destro96]

Many older med students do very well with nurses (although I am not big into soiling where I sleep).

Many are also scumbags that mooch off them while in debt and then dump them when they graduate.

 

[Olddodger]

Hi all,

Ugh, I have to agree with some here. Dating while in school as a non-trad was/is very bleak for me.

I was too old for the students, and, of course, the faculty were off limits.

There were very few other non-trads, and the general dating population (where I live, anyway) seemed to treat the idea of a 38 YO student very poorly. "Lost soul" or "trying to find yourself" were a couple of comments I encountered.

I thought that if I dated in the academic community, it MIGHT get better, but the post-doc I dated was very into "life-style building" just at that point in her life, so that didn't quite work out.

"So, my advice: just find a smart lady. "

Been working at it! Smart people in general are getting hard to find these days, but finding an intellegent female who doesn't find me "resistable" and isn't already occupied has proven to be a real toughie.

Oldie

 

[Law2Doc]

I find it hard to believe that women who are interested in financial security would turn down someone who has a 6-7 figure income potential.

Almost nobody in medicine makes 7 figures these days. That was a prior generation. Silly to even toss around that kind of number (unless you are BS'ing in a bar). These days you are lucky if your student loan isn't closer to that figure than your post-residency salary.

 

[sindadel]

Broadly speaking, women date for two reasons: entertainment or commitment.

Let's not talk about commitment. You'll be out of wherever you are in a couple of years, and until then, you'll be working crazy hours and have very little free time. You'll likely be moving across the country for residency - any high-quality woman would be an idiot to expect a commitment from you. And even more of an idiot to plan to follow you around on the basis of such a short-term relationship.

As a med student, the standard methods of entertainment seem out of reach: drinking, dancing, dining, get-away weekends, all of which cost money and take substantial time. So if you want to date, you need to find someone who likes entertainment which is cheap/free and either has very little time herself, or so much time that she doesn't mind accomodating your tight schedule.

My advice is to take up an extra-curricular you're passionate about, whether it's climbing, or political action. Make friends with some women. Do NOT expect them to date you. Enjoy their company and be honest about who you are, what you love, why you're in med school, what your plans are. And if something develops, fabulous.

BTW, if I were dating some guy I met online and he implied that he wasn't a student, but confessed that he was one after a few dates, I would dump him so fast his head would still be spinning a week later. It's not about the money, it's about the lying. What do you plan to say on the first date when she asks: "So, what do you do?"