"Commander" personal statement

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Goguryo

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The beginning goes like this: The soldier fell. I felt as though I wanted to help. I had studied IS0877 thoroughly.

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You lost my attention with the Army specific course number. Why not something like, "I had brushed up on my combat First-Aid training just before we left." Sentence two is too weak. Maybe you were scared, too, but you didn't feel as if you wanted to help, you did want to help.

How do the middle and end go?

Ha. Ha. Just kidding around. What's the point of this post anyway?
 
The thought is there but you just need to bring it out a bit more. I am not a non-trad but the topic caught my eye, maybe try something along the lines of:

The soldier in front of me emulated actions of which only a promised death could cultivate. His stagnant face evoked hidden emotions within me that separated me from the rest of my comrades. I studied him profusely without ignoring the element of time, time only measurable by the seconds that prophesize an unavoidable death.

Nm...I think I went to deep lol, good luck though.
 
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