Children and residency

[badasshairday]

What do you residents do with kiddos? Especially those who do not have family near by? How do you manage night calls, long days, early days, etc?

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[J ROD]

 

[seymour0887]

Sure wish someone would respond with some insight!

 

[VenusinFurs]

I'm FM, and my uterus is a dry wasteland, however the limited insights I can give are: if you're going to have a baby wait until your third year/ you don't have a ton of inpatient, because you are going to miss the **** out of your baby and it is going to be almost impossible to pump. And I'm pretty sure that advice only applies to FM, which is one of the most family friendly residencies out there.

 

[j4pac]

I have young children, my wife is a resident, and I've worked as a primary care guy.

It's simple...you need to have one member of your household available. I have been available for the past five years. I work a 7-5 type job five days a week and my kids go to daycare during the day. I'm available on holidays. When sickness hits my kids...and it does every kid...I do my best to work my schedule and find coverage. I don't have a good same day back-up option. In a month I'll be starting a residency and my wife will be an attending. She will now carry the majority of the childcare responsibilities. We'll both get them ready in the morning and at night..but she's dropping them off of school and she's responsible for making it work when sickness occurs.

If you are a resident, you really need a reliable option besides yourself...whether that's a spouse or family member. Childcare is INCREDIBLY difficult as a single parent without family help because most daycares don't work the hours that a resident works. You could get an nanny...but for them to work the hours you will need them to work...you will be shelling out a SIGNIFICANT amount of money...and what happens when said Nanny quits or decides to take a vacation or gets sick? You have to have someone more invested in your children than a Nanny, and that is why we never got a Nanny.

 

[Jane2020]

I am a Pediatrician whose kids were in preschool during my Med school years and elementary age during my residency. Like the above posters said you need someone in your household available to do the childcare stuff you won't be able to do like: staying home with them when they are sick, driving them to sports practices, scouts or other activities, helping them with homework, helping them follow chore schedules you set up, taking them to doctors, dentist appointment, attending parent teacher conferences, etc. Essentially helping your kids learn the life skills and character traits you want them to learn and have the experiences you want them to have during those years. You have to trust this persons ability to parent your kids. You can't make your kids lives and household rules so rigid that the person taking care of them can't make a decision different from you if the situation calls for it/is in your child's best interest. The least stressful way to do this is to have this person live with you or you with them. Maybe you or your spouses parents, your siblings, cousins, another person you are close to, etc. My mom lived with us for the first 4 years. She has a very easy going personality and I was really grateful she was willing to do this for us. My husband traveled for his job so he couldn't be the main caretaker. My mom worked another job for a few months my first year of med school until we realized there were too many nights or weekends I was having to ask friends to pick up the slack. I have great friends but couldn't ask them to be my backup for the next 7 years. I paid my mom in addition to room and board. She applied for social security when she gave up her job so that added to the money I paid her, but I knew what I could pay her was no where near what she deserved or a nanny would make. I used programs like mother's morning out at churches, preschool, etc. to give my mom breaks from the kids. We switched to someone else who didn't live with us when I started residency because my husband was becoming overwhelmed having my mom there. No big arguments between them or things like my mother ignoring how he felt, but their personalities are really different and living together was ruining the good relationship they had. She wasn't his mom, it was just too stressful for him and for her. My kids were in elementary school then. We hired someone to come in the mornings and make sure our kids got to school and keep them at her house until I got home at night to pick them up. What my kids didn't get to do much of my internship year was join sports teams, scouts, ride their bikes/skate/play with other kids in the neighborhood, invite their friends over to our house or have play dates at other kids homes. We couldn't afford to pay someone enough to work only for us and be as available or as as flexible as my mom had been. We wanted our kids to be able to do some of those things. My life as a med student and Peds resident was the same as the female surgery resident describes above, delivering a baby but having to return to my program after just a couple of weeks, trying to breastfeed, so many nights of not making it home before the person we hired closed/having to ask my neighbors friends to pick up my kids. I was fortunate enough to be able to change my residency to part-time after internship. I worked every other month, but stayed in the regular call schedule, kept up my continuity clinic and worked everything out with the program director so the rest of the residents in my program wouldn't have extra work on my months off. If you are a single parent or your spouse has a demanding job of their own, you just need to make sure you are realistic and have come up with ways to cover all the different days and times you will be gone during your program, including emergency backups.

 

[perfectlycromulent]

I realize this is an old post, but in case it is useful to others in the future, here is my answer. My husband is a surgical resident and we have one child, who was 1 at the beginning of residency. Our situation does not fall into the most common 3 categories listed above, and would be described as "working spouse, accommodating job." I am a lawyer, but I work a unionized fixed hours job with no travel. At my most recent location, I am extremely lucky because my boss happens to be married to a physician and understands residency. It is very hard to be the working spouse in this situation. My salary, which is greater than his, is essential for our ability to afford my husband's loan interest and my past loans in combination with our living expenses, but it is my job that has to give any time any issue comes up with our child. We do not have family available to help out without 24 hours notice. We make it work because I am willing to sacrifice advancement in my own career (now and in a way that affects any future advancement) because it is necessary to his career and we mutually came to this agreement. Like other people have indicated, you need a person who is able to be completely dedicated to your children time-wise and who can be flexible.


I take our daughter to a wonderful certified home daycare center during the days because she has health needs that make larger centers a challenge. We are fortunate enough to be doing residency in a state with relatively low daycare costs, and our particular provider charges extremely low rates. We could not afford a nanny here, even with both our salaries. We pay 40 percent of our combined income toward student loans to avoid ballooning interest. Our daycare payments mostly come out pre-tax through FSAs. To be honest, because she spends so much time at daycare during the week, all of my spare time is my daughter's. I do not take breaks for myself unless my husband happens to have the day off. I do not have a social life that is not related to parenting.


I could never survive having to live with another family member, it just would not work with my personality, background, and personal preferences. We tried family childcare initially in medical school and it severely damaged the relationships. The most important thing is that whoever the person who is going to be your support person is understands what they are getting into and is committed to making things work out, not an unwilling participant. Don't sugar coat or pass along sugar coated advice about how things will get better when X happens, because it's just a set up for disappointment.


When my husband is working nights, or night call, I take videos of my daughter and send them to him to watch when he has a chance. Sometimes he is able to FaceTime from the call room, but usually, on the rare occasions he even has a break, the connection is too poor or it is way too late. Some days he works longer hours than our daughter is awake. When I am with my daughter before and after daycare, I make a point to talk about daddy and what daddy is doing today and when we'll see him and how excited he will be to see her. When he is home, he is extremely involved with our daughter. He dramatically reads her favorite books, makes better funny faces than I do, gives her baths, etc. He works long hours, but at this point in time, I truly do not believe his relationship with her is hurt because when he is present, he is absolutely present.

 

[nlax30]

Usually it is managed by one of the following:
1. Non-working spouse, full time parenting duties
2. Working spouse, accommodating family (i.e. Grandparents move in full time)
3. Multiple nannies or a live in au pair

Yea it's mostly like going to be one or a combination of these.

We have two young kids, the first right at the end of med school and the 2nd just before starting fellowship. I don't think there's any real secret to this as a lot of variables will come into play depending on whether or not your spouse works and if there's family around and financial constraints. My spouse also works but fortunately we have family nearby and they were invaluable during the first year or two until we started using daycare and eventual a Pre-K program.

Had a co-fellow who hired a nanny essentially full-time.

 

[Pixiwoman]

Yea it's mostly like going to be one or a combination of these.

We have two young kids, the first right at the end of med school and the 2nd just before starting fellowship. I don't think there's any real secret to this as a lot of variables will come into play depending on whether or not your spouse works and if there's family around and financial constraints. My spouse also works but fortunately we have family nearby and they were invaluable during the first year or two until we started using daycare and eventual a Pre-K program.

Had a co-fellow who hired a nanny essentially full-time.

Yes,
I refused to have kids in residency as it seemed to be crazy enough to deal with night calls , long hours, etc + too much stress to add children to that horror equation, maybe now that im out of residency me and my partner may consider it , even though we love our lazy time

 

[nlax30]

I thought I understood stress in college, then starting in med school..... NO. I had no idea the level of stress that can build up, between fellowship training, yet again deciding on more training vs job search, taking multiple certifying exams, keeping 2 kids, 2 pets alive and maintaining a house.... I had no idea. LOL.