Balking on marriage, wedding...

[oompa loompa]

So my bf and I have been together for 2.5 years. We are in a solid relationship, definitely thinking marriage long term. He is a great person, although he is still finishing school (not in medicine), so I didn't think we were ready for marriage. I know lots of people get married while they are still in school, but somehow, I never felt like we were quite yet mature enough for marriage. For a while, whenever he hinted at marriage, I would balk, saying we weren't ready, or that I dreaded the thought of a wedding. It sounds ludicrous to say I would not get married because I don't want a wedding, and yet that seems to be a big factor in why I don't want to get married. I dread the idea of walking down the aisle in front of a crowd, because I am quite shy, and I also don't even know who I would invite (neither of us is very social).

Now that I am finishing up medical school and getting ready to move for residency, it seems like the perfect time to get married. He was hinting at it again today and said since I have 6 weeks of vacation coming up, it would be perfect for a honeymoon. I said it didn't make sense to be planning a honeymoon if we weren't even engaged yet, and while I realize couples can just decide to get married in a week and do it, I am still hesitating, for the reasons I mentioned above. Does this sound silly? Does anyone really ever feel "ready for marriage," or is my reluctance to take the next step a sign that there are other problems in this relationship?

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[xanthines]

I don't think you sound silly at all. If anything, I find myself wondering what all this marriage business is about, even though I'm engaged to be married. In addition to being a bit non-social I'm also an atheist, so the religious component isn't there for me as a reason either. I also feel a bit hypocritical getting married when others cannot, but I digress.

It wasn't clear from your post if you've talked to your BF about this. Does he really know how you feel? I agree it's weird planning a honeymoon when you're not even engaged, but is he the type to plan ahead? If you're both ready to get married then I don't see any reason why you shouldn't. I think the important thing is to make sure you're both on the same page. Small wedding? Courthouse wedding followed by a fun reception? etc etc.

-X

P.S. If it helps, my fiancee and I were together a lot longer than you two were before we got engaged!

 

[dotdash]

Weddings are generally very difficult events -- you are right to run shy of the wedding even if you are not shy of marriage. It brings up all kinds of family weirdness, costs an arm and a leg, is incredibly stressful, carries undue weight ("it rained on their wedding so I knew they were doomed"), always offends someone -- basically the convergence of a lot of trouble. And too often, people's weddings become something those people aren't -- big, white, and traditional affairs even for very private and modern people. I am also a shy person and if I had it to do over, I would do something much more private with just family and intimate friends, maybe a vacation that happened to feature a small ceremony. The walking down the aisle in the big white dress with all the attention is not for everyone.

So yes, I think you can be ready for marriage without being ready for a wedding. But if you are ready for neither, then by all means, just put it off. There will be other handy times -- take the six weeks and go on a nice vacation.

 

[beannaithe]

Weddings and marriage (to me at least) are two things almost exclusive of each other. Marriage is an agreement between two people to spend the rest of their life together, come what may, while the wedding is the social action of having a social event to announce that to the world. The way you go about either is completely up to a couple as a unit.

If you have several weeks off, it doesn't mean you have to use it as a honeymoon. Have a great vacation, relax, recharge your batteries and get ready for what comes after school. The most important part of having the time is just be together and try not to stress yourself out about marriage.

It's a huge step and a big commitment. Some people jump in and get done with it, while others wait for a while. It depends on you. My fiance and I dated for almost 5 years before getting engaged and we're getting married this year after being together for 6 years...I don't know if anyone is ever completely ready to get married... I guess the way I've always thought about engagement/marriage was that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with anyone, but the person that I was going to marry. And that makes everything a little bit less stressful.

Though like I've said, the marriage part is easy to prepare yourself for. The wedding part (dress shopping, invitation shopping, flower picking, bridesmaid choosing, etc) not so much. I'm kinda shy, really not fussy and sorta lazy since being in school. But my fiance wants the big church wedding, so that's what we're doing...

Anyway, hope that helps. And if you're not ready for marriage, have an awesome vacation.

 

[renetto]

Let me ask you something: besides wanting kids or to start a business together, what do you have to gain by marrying him?

Honestly, what are you gonna get now that you aren't already getting? I'm sure he loves you to death and would do anything for you, he cares for you emotionally and spiritually, and everything else that goes along with that. Signing a contract isn't going to guarantee you that he'll stick around for the rest of your life so what's the point?

If he doesn't love you now, he never will. That's just a fact.

 

[Velocity]

So my bf and I have been together for 2.5 years. We are in a solid relationship, definitely thinking marriage long term. He is a great person, although he is still finishing school (not in medicine), so I didn't think we were ready for marriage. I know lots of people get married while they are still in school, but somehow, I never felt like we were quite yet mature enough for marriage. For a while, whenever he hinted at marriage, I would balk, saying we weren't ready, or that I dreaded the thought of a wedding. It sounds ludicrous to say I would not get married because I don't want a wedding, and yet that seems to be a big factor in why I don't want to get married. I dread the idea of walking down the aisle in front of a crowd, because I am quite shy, and I also don't even know who I would invite (neither of us is very social).

I married about four months ago, and felt similar to you in many ways. I always figured my own wedding would be a small affair - basically me, my wife-to-be, maybe our immediate family, and that'd be it. Our wedding had close to 300 people attend The vast majority were my wife's extended family. Only two of my friends made it to the wedding, and they were in my bridal party. My wife and I have been together for four years, but I engaged her around year #2 and we began wedding planning around year #3.

The wedding planning is a big affair, and family members can get pretty pushy. If you're worried about that, you can always do two weddings - a more secretive one where you and your boyfriend would have total control over how things are run, and another one where your parents would basically run the show. But at the end of the day, it's your wedding. Don't worry about being judged just because you didn't have more than one or two people to invite.

I expected my wedding to be a pretty stressful event - standing in front of hundreds of people and all (I'm very shy, as if my wife) - but honestly, the day was a blur, it went by very quickly, and the only person who really stands out in my mind is my wife! Everyone else sort of faded away from my attention. It was actually a lot of fun, but I still stop my wife when she starts saying "I wish we could do it again" because as fun as it was, practicing the first dance like crazy and practicing massive diplomacy with family was something I'm happy to keep as a memory.

As to whether marriage is worth it or not, it's up to you. Neither my wife nor I are religious, and while we're somewhat traditional (by today's standards) we were living together even before we were engaged and so on. Being married just feels nice - others take what we have together more seriously; we take honor in the titles of "husband and wife"; we enjoy having the same last name... in many ways I'd say that nothing has really changed, as we still treat each other with the same love and affection as we did before we were married, and we're still living in the same apartment. In other ways, everything has changed.

But, it's all up to you and yours. No matter what, make sure to be open in discussing it. Communication is key in any relationship, and at any time!

Edit: Almost forgot to mention - I don't know that anyone ever really feels ready for these things. When I engaged my wife, I partly wondered whether I was doing the right thing. Was I committing too early? Was I committing to the right person? I had less concerns over the wedding (partly because there was so much more to deal with, I'd imagine). I tend to overthink things. Honestly, if it weren't now, then I'd probably be wondering if I were doing this all too late, were I to wait a few more years. There's no good, universal metric to go by - everything is different for the individual. I guess it's also worth saying that I wondered those things, even though I've never met anyone even remotely similar to my wife, or who anywhere near the same number of shared values and future goals. I certainly don't regret any of it now.

 

[fleetgoddess]

I feel the same way. My bf is a military resident and is very far away. Basically as far you can get in the United States. I'm still in med school. He's always talking about getting married. I'm constantly wondering if I want to to commit to this.

we' ve been apart a year and still together which must mean something, but for me actually going forward with the whole wedding thing seems crazy.

I want to apply in ortho which is hard to predict where I'll end up and he can only be in two locations, only one with multiple civilian programs. Countless times people tell me that if we just got married the military would be way better with trying to keep us together than just engaged but if I end up somewhere else for the next 5-6 years it seems ridiculous to rush and get married before he gets deployed next March. Plus I dont' want to be planning a rush wedding while I'm interviewing.

Kind of a catch 22. Our best bet is to get married to stay together but it seems rather crazy to get married if your going to be apart for 5-6 years.

Driving me crazy