Just found out that my gf used to be in a lesbian relationship for a long time in her early twenties and then went out on a string of NSA-sex with random partners from the internet... I am confused now. She is ashamed of her past. I love her so much and don't want to let the past get in the way of our relationship. But why do I feel so hurt? It's not like she cheated on me... as all of her wild days were before she met me... Knowing her darkest past and knowing how much it hurts her only wants me to love and protect her more... I am so confused and I can't sleep at nights... what is the right thing to do?.. Leave her? Continue to bottle-up my haunting thoughts? I don't feel that she wants to talk about it anymore... should I seek counseling?
Anyone help me?
- Thread starter mckelvey
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I think it's good that she was honest with you up front, but I can see how that would be a huge turn off. Definitely thank her for her honesty, and ask if she would be willing to have extensive STD testing and let you see the results. I would also recommend dating for at least 2 years (without having sex if possible), to make sure that she really has changed. I do believe that people can change, and lots of people do things they really regret, but you have to make sure that she really has. You definitely don't want to be 2 kids down the road and find out that she started sleeping around again.
If you decide that the risk is too high, there is nothing wrong with letting her know that she's not what you're looking for in a life-long marriage. It isn't fair to her to continue dating and leading her to believe that you want a commitment if her past would put too much strain on your relationship. It isn't a failure on your part, and it doesn't mean that she is a bad person. If, however, you would like to continue seeing her, couples counseling can probably help you a lot. It would give you a chance to understand some of her decisions back then, and it could give you the confidence in her to know that she has moved past that.
If you decide that the risk is too high, there is nothing wrong with letting her know that she's not what you're looking for in a life-long marriage. It isn't fair to her to continue dating and leading her to believe that you want a commitment if her past would put too much strain on your relationship. It isn't a failure on your part, and it doesn't mean that she is a bad person. If, however, you would like to continue seeing her, couples counseling can probably help you a lot. It would give you a chance to understand some of her decisions back then, and it could give you the confidence in her to know that she has moved past that.
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This may sound cold, but you should be talking to her about this. Express it just as you have now. Say you're scared, you're protective, you're unsure, you're sure...She should know those things. Her past is indeed what it is, the past, but you should understand when people do things like that and actually feel regret and guilt for it, they usually have had a rough time during that. Maybe something bad had happened to her and that was the only outlet for her.
If you really care and love for her, and she does the same for you, you both should be able to consider one another enough to talk openly as she did with you. Don't get mad, don't run away. Those are the worst things to do. I know from personal experience that shunning away, or bottling up, what you feel only leads to a path you can't un-walk.
If you really care and love for her, and she does the same for you, you both should be able to consider one another enough to talk openly as she did with you. Don't get mad, don't run away. Those are the worst things to do. I know from personal experience that shunning away, or bottling up, what you feel only leads to a path you can't un-walk.
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Actually, I think counseling might help you deal with these feelings. It sounds like you've thought through this and some idea of what you're going through, but still having trouble dealing. You are right that her past really isn't too relevant to you if she has changed (it sounds like she has, from your brief description). Good on you for not punishing her for her past deeds! I think that's a sign of maturity. As another poster also said, your GF should be commended for telling you the truth despite the embarrassment, pain, uncertainty, etc. It must have been hard for her to bring that up, so try to keep that mind. It might help comfort you. Anyways, a counselor might be able to help through these emotions without irreversibly damaging your relationship. I assume that's what you want, no?
Good luck and feel free to keep posting!
-X
Good luck and feel free to keep posting!
-X
Well, the gf is now on the super-defensive mode. I brought up the counseling but she flat out refuses to go. She's agreed to STD testing... I feel I need to go as well because we had been intimate with each other for the past few months. Blimey, I don't know what to do. She tells me that I am going over the top and spending too much time thinking about this. She actually makes me feel bad for bringing this up when we do talk about it... I often wonder, does she know why I even brought this up? May be I should seek counseling on my own? Even more confused now....
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Of course she is going to go on the defensive. Maybe she relates it to how you see her and forces her insecurities into the open. Yes you should both get tested for any STDs. That's just a good thing, even if you are single. It's support for both of you to go. You can't pressure her, but if she is willing to open up to you, maybe you two need to talk more. A therapist could help a lot, but you can't force her to go. This matters to you, and it should matter to her. I hope you both can meet more in the middle.