An ultimatum: Med school vs. relationship

[snowhite]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if I could get some advice about a certain recent event that has happened in my life. My boyfriend/fiancee has recently given me an ultimatum...either going to a medical school in a place where he will be (at a school I don't really want to go to) and get married or going to the school I love and really want to go to which will be farther away and thus he will deem it impossible to have a relationship and so I would be without him. In my mind, it could work out with me going to the school I love and it would only set us back like 2-3 years (I could do my rotations where he is at). He doesn't want to wait. He says if I loved him, I would go be with him as soon as possible and not wait. I believe if he loved me, he would want to wait for me to finish my life's dream. I love him and he loves me, but he says it's not enough. I want to make both things work, but since he's giving me an ultimatum, he's making me choose between the two. Anyway, I missed the deadline for making the deposit for the school that he wants me to go to and he's trying to get me to ask for an exception and an extension (although I'm doing this half-heartedly). Anyone have any thoughts or been through similar experiences? I've started feeling alone and depressed about this lately and I don't really know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.

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[Samoa]

I think that's crappy and manipulative of him. Just the giving of such an ultimatum is grounds in my book to say no and go to the school you love. It's just not something that someone who truly loves you and who has your best interests at heart would do.

Don't get me wrong, I can totally understand him wanting you to go to school where he is. But making the continuance of the relationship contingent on that, when it would just be a long but temporary separation, and you clearly love the other school more, is plain old emotional blackmail. Give in and you'll almost certainly end up unhappy. Plus he'll just keep using that threat to control you.

 

[AlternateSome1]

If he is actually pushing for you to do something you don't want to do, then leave him and don't look back. If he is just being honest in stating that he can't consider a long-distance relationship with you, try to figure out which is more important to you and do that. If you end up leaving him in the latter case, you can at least try to end things on good terms and maybe pick things up in four years like you would like to. You might be surprised at how much you and he and the world will have changed after being apart for four years.

I left a relationship I had been in for two and a half years when I left for college. We kept in contact and occasionally saw each other during those years, but things kept changing and changing. Now we barely speak to each other, and when we do we tend to not see eye to eye.

Best of luck with your decision.

 

[kinetic]

It's easy for all of us to take sides and say "in my mind, this person is right", but to do so misses the point. He may have a valid point but be expressing it in a poor way; likewise, you may also have a valid point but be doing the same.

It seems that his main concern is for the relationship. Now, is he trying to control you (which would be bad) or is it more that he is worried about the relationship itself (which would be good)? I mean, has he had bad experiences with long-distance relationships (or known people who have) and, based on that, is just scared to possibly lose you? If that is the case, it may not be possible to allay his fears - you can't just say, "don't worry, it won't happen to us!" It may also be that he is testing which is more important to you - the relationship or the career, which both men and women do all the time (and sort of subconsciously, not out of spite or to be a jerk).

Likewise, you may not be communicating well enough. It seems he thinks that you can just pick where you want to go to school. Have you explained to him that it is difficult to get into medical school and that most people don't have the choice where to go? [Edit: ignore that if you already got into both schools - I may have misunderstood.] Or did you just yell at him or withdraw? It may also help to explain to him exactly WHY you prefer one school to another, especially if he has ever had to make this kind of choice himself (i.e., if he had to choose between two colleges). Also, it sounds like you are being passive-agressive (i.e., taking you old sweet time putting in the deposit so you can say, "whoops, guess I have no choice now"). That's just as immature as what he is doing with his openly agressive demands and doesn't solve the problem - it just lets you blame circumstances for a poor outcome ...will that make you feel good when the relationship ends?

Not that I'm taking sides, but maybe this IS the time when you have to make a decision about what is more important to you. It may be that he will stand firm and unyielding. It would be easy to say, "well, time to dump that chump", but I think that puts this all in the context of "I want to be right because that means I am a winner" and "you are wrong so you are the loser". Let's say he is being immature and won't budge and stands firm. Will you do the same thing? I mean, I get into arguments a lot (samoa better stay quiet!) and a lot of it is over stupid stuff because I feel that I am right and, since the other person is not giving an inch I decide that I won't either. Sometimes that's fine, but sometimes it really messes up your life and can have negative consequences. Would you be happy dumping him and saying, "I sure showed him who was boss" ...and missing him six months later? I'm not saying let the world walk over you and I'm not saying it's easy (hell, I can't do it most of the time), but don't just make a decision in the heat of the moment.

 

[edmadison]

On a practical level, why doesn't he go with you? If he cannot because he has a very unique job (federal judge, professional hockey player), can't leave because of obligation (military service or sick parent) that's one thing. If he just wants to stay where he is "because" that's a whole different story. Plus, has he actually proposed to you? You called him boyfriend/fiancee. Do you have a ring and a short date? If he's asking you to give up your school he should put his money where his mouth is. Also, what are you going to do when you are looking for residencies? Is he going to try to force you into a specific specialty? Location?

Best wishes,

Ed

 

[tlew12778]

I believe if he loved me, he would want to wait for me to finish my life's dream.

I agree with this. In fact, I did this. I graduated with a BA in poli sci and econ and FH wa still in med school so I moved to Italy to wait for him to finish and I'm still in Italy still waiting for him to finish. My degree, and the line of work I could obtain with it, did not restrict me to staying within a certain area or a certain country even, so I took it with me and left "home" to create my new home with him.

Anyway, I missed the deadline for making the deposit for the school that he wants me to go to and he's trying to get me to ask for an exception and an extension (although I'm doing this half-heartedly).

Do you think there is a subconscious meaning to the fact that you missed this deadline? I know that when things are really really important to me, I do not miss deadlines.

I also agree with edmadison when he said "what are you going to do when it comes to residency?" Personally, I am prepared to move to wherever we need to but that is bc we have both made sacrifices and compromises for our relationship (he will be leaving his country, Italy, to do his residency in the US (hopefully... we will see how the USMLE goes), my country, so that I can be close to my family). If he ever said to me, "I refuse to take the USMLE and I cannot practice medicine in the US otherwise, therefore we are staying in Europe" I would leave. I would leave bc that behavior would mean that he is not willing to compromise, not bc of the geography. So again, like other posters have asked why is he so adamant on staying where HE is ? If he has a valid reason for needing to stay where he is, then I think you might want to consider what he is saying (even if he might be presenting his opinion in the wrong way).

Finally, I think it's a good time to take a good look at your relationship in general. Do you feel ready to marry your BF? BC that is what his plans are if you stay (so you say). I really think you need to sit down with your BF and tell him how you feel about everything.

Best of luck!

 

[lovemydrhubby]

Finally, I think it's a good time to take a good look at your relationship in general. Do you feel ready to marry your BF? BC that is what his plans are if you stay (so you say). I really think you need to sit down with your BF and tell him how you feel about everything.

I agreee with this completely! Relationships are hard- throw long distance into that and it's definitely possible, but more difficult. You two need to work on communication, trust, and dedication now before you make the decision about where you'll live next year. I'm not taking sides saying either of you are right or wrong- I just think there are other issues you should talk about first that will likely lead to the discussion about moving/not moving/living father away from each other for a bit. It sounds like you are both trying to make it work so I hope you are able to find a great solution for both of you.

You should make the decision that is right for you though too... if he is being uncooperative or not flexible then there comes a point where you just have to stop looking out for others and do what you feel in your heart above anything else.

Ugg what a tough decision though- I can definitely see both sides from both of your points of view! Here's my story about how dh and I decided: When my DH was applying for med schools we were away at different colleges 6 hrs away. He looked for med schools near me (which was easy cause I was in NYC!) but also at various other places HE wanted ( I think he assumed I'd follow him). Well, I ended up getting pg and taking time away from school so I could techinically follow him wherever he decided to go-so here we are in CA! If he would have decided to come here and I was NOT a mom and still in school, I would NOT be here. my heart was in NYC so I would have stayed there.

 

[Longhorn23]

As many posters have previously said before me, you should really have talk with your S/o. My mom halfheartedly left a job she loved to move to a different country because my dad was pressuring her and to this day- they have been married for 27 yrs- she is resentful about it and accuses him of 'destroying' her career! So take a long hard look at yourself and make sure you will not have regrets about the decision you take.

 

[kinetic]

As many posters have previously said before me, you should really have talk with your S/o. My mom halfheartedly left a job she loved to move to a different country because my dad was pressuring her and to this day- they have been married for 27 yrs- she is resentful about it and accuses him of 'destroying' her career! So take a long hard look at yourself and make sure you will not have regrets about the decision you take.

Dude, I know she had to make a sacrifice, but 27 years and still angry? Tell her to release her anal sphincter.

 

[lessismoe]

Dude, I know she had to make a sacrifice, but 27 years and still angry? Tell her to release her anal sphincter.

Hey, I've heard this exact same story before too: Successful woman leaves career in Korea to follow husband to USA. In the end, he couldn't get a good job in the US due to poor English, and he took his frustration out on the kids (physically). It was a really sad situation, and the woman ended up working in kitchens to support the family-- whereas, in Korea, she had had a high-profile job in the media.

It's not about anger-- it's about regret. The "what-might-have-been"s can be extremely haunting, and can turn regret into resentment for the person that pressured you into giving up your dream. If you wind up regretting a decision you made under emotional duress, then that can end up being more damaging to a relationship than long distances.

 

[BenU29]

I didn't have the patience to read the whole thread, but if someone you love gives you an ultimatum such as this, I think you should go to the school of your choice. Just imagine what's going to happen if you follow his wishes, and indeed go to the school that he goes to. More ultimatum's will follow, etc. So just do what you want to do; live YOUR life, not someone elses.

 

[snowhite]

Thanks everyone for all of your input and it is helping me come to a better understanding or has at least pointed out some things that I've failed to consider. Just wanted to clarify a few things. I was accepted to both schools and I explained to him why I loved the other and he seemed okay with it. This is why I didn't send my payment for deposit to the other school. It wasn't until after the payment deadline had passed he gave me an ultimatum. I was a bit pissed off because he didn't mention this ultimatum thing in the beginning, but I guess he wanted me to choose him of my own free will. Since I didn't, he's intervening.

Also, someone asked about the boyfriend/fiancee thing and we planned to definitely get married (at least before all this happened). He was waiting for me to move up to be with him and so we could plan on wedding stuff...although he expected it to be this fall...not 2-3 years from now.

I think I know what I need to do, but it seems so sucky to be with someone for a long time and believing that they would support you through everything and anything....and then it not happening.

 

[flighterdoc]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if I could get some advice about a certain recent event that has happened in my life. My boyfriend/fiancee has recently given me an ultimatum...either going to a medical school in a place where he will be (at a school I don't really want to go to) and get married or going to the school I love and really want to go to which will be farther away and thus he will deem it impossible to have a relationship and so I would be without him. In my mind, it could work out with me going to the school I love and it would only set us back like 2-3 years (I could do my rotations where he is at). He doesn't want to wait. He says if I loved him, I would go be with him as soon as possible and not wait. I believe if he loved me, he would want to wait for me to finish my life's dream. I love him and he loves me, but he says it's not enough. I want to make both things work, but since he's giving me an ultimatum, he's making me choose between the two. Anyway, I missed the deadline for making the deposit for the school that he wants me to go to and he's trying to get me to ask for an exception and an extension (although I'm doing this half-heartedly). Anyone have any thoughts or been through similar experiences? I've started feeling alone and depressed about this lately and I don't really know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.

Time for him to go. If he's going to be such prick about this, what else will he be an ass about?

 

[fourthyear]

This is only the first of many moves and carreer choices for you. What happens if you marry him now, then you match at a residency where he doesn't want to live? In case you didn't know yet, residency match is totally different from getting into and signing up for med school - it ends up being an assignment - you make a list of choices, but in the end you get assigned one of those choices and you pretty much have to take it - what if you get choice number 10 in a city he doesn't feel like moving to? Will he leave you then anyway, after you've spent all of med school being in a place you didn't really want to be just to please him?

Long distance relationships are tough, so I can see why he may not be happy about that route, but we still haven't heard why he is refusing to move. I just worry that you are comprimising all you want and he's comprimising nothing. It's not about who is right, it's about being flexible enough to decide what is goign to make things best for both of you in the long run.

I'd suggest that even if you choose to stay with him you postpone the wedding. You have a lot of issues to work out first - have you discussed when/if you are planning children, what specialties you might be interested in and the possibility that you may choose a time-consuming one, the time demands you'll have in med school which will take you away from spending every night with him, who will handle the household chores and/or childcare, how you plan to handle finances, school loans, ect while in school and residency? I suspect that if you are suddenly surprised about his feelings about your med school choice until the last minute here, you proably haven't really seriously discussed all this stuff in depth - and this is the stuff divorces happen over, so you at least need to start talking about it and make sure you're on the same page before you consider jumping into marriage just b/c you love him and have been dating him a long enough time.

 

[dancinjenn]

My Fiance' (DancinJenn) and I had a similar issue. She had a choice between the wait list at Wayne State, which happens to br 20 minutes from my entire existance (e.g. house, family, busines, ect.) or taking the acceptance from Des Moines University. Even though previously I said I'd never leave the Detroit area, I told her she should go for what feels right to her. It was her hard work that got her this far and it would be wrong of me to hinder that. Do you really want to be with someone who's not going to look out for your best interest? Cut him loose, I say. I understand him feeling overshadowed by your career. I feel the same way, but that's the way it is, if he can't deal with it, BYE BYE.

 

[IlianaSedai]

It is so very possible to maintain a growing, positive relationship, and prepare for marriage, in two different cities.

It is also awful to go through med school and residency with an unsupportive spouse. Medicine is a very long-term investment. I am so excited about finishing med school, finding out where I match, doing residency, and so on. But there are times when the high cost -- emotionally, physically, and relationally -- really hits me and gets me down. Medicine is a demanding career, and for me, a supportive, encouraging, humble and flexible spouse or significant-other is a major motivating factor. Anything less would make life absolutely miserable.

Don't get me wrong, I think that kind of role -- supporting and encouraging a wife who may be more professionally successful and who may earn a lot more throughout the rest of working life -- is more challenging for a guy than it is for women, for whom it is still much more acceptable to be seen as supporter.

What you've described sounds to me like manipulation. As others have pointed out, this may or may not be true -- you know better than anyone else. If there is no willingness to compromise now, fourthyear is right on the money. What will happen at the next turn? What about the residency match, where you won't have choices? Would he be willing to be flexible for that?

 

[Samoa]

fourthyear, DancinJenn and IlianaSedai said what I wanted to say, and better than I said it myself. I have a bad habit of skipping from the beginning of a problem to the solution without fully explaining the logic of all the steps in the middle.

 

[snowhite]

Well, I had a long talk with him tonight and basically, because I could not be happy choosing to go to the school he wants me at we've broken it off. It was mostly his call. I was willing to give it a shot, but I think he has it stuck in his mind that I chose against him and the relationship has already fallen. He decided he can't trust me in the future, because I chose against him. He thinks that during rotations or residency I will choose other locations farther from him and I'll never ever be in the same place. I guess I can see his logic. he's a bit older and wants to settle down and start a family and I'm not ready for that right now. To answer a previous question, I asked him to move to the city I will be attending med school and he said he couldn't. I knew this already though. His family (he's very close with his mother and sisters) and his job (working on a business with his brother) has him tied down (or so he says). He's not very optimistic about finding a job anywhere else as he was laid off from Motorola and could not find anything for 1.5 years.

I've accepted this outcome, but that's not to say that it's easy. Actually, I'm taking it pretty well considering everything, but I can't help thinking that he didn't love me enough or that his ego got in the way. Maybe it'll pass and I'll hopefully take just the good stuff from the relationship.

I want to thank you all for supporting me and I really think it was because of your words of encouragement that I have been able to gain the strength and confidence to go on and live my dream. I guess life is never easy, but it's made easier by people who care. Thank you all!
Sincerely,
tina

 

[bjolly]

I think you made a good decision, although I know it was a hard one. For what it's worth, his behavior sounds pretty passive-aggressive, waiting until after you chose and then giving you an ultimatum like that. You have to do what's best for you, and you deserve a partner who can support you in doing that.

To me, the fact that he's not willing to even try to save the relationship unless you do it "his way" is very telling. If the relationship isn't important enough to him for him to consider moving or trying a long distance relationship, why should you make it important enough to sacrifice your dreams and goals for it?

I think if you changed your plans to stay with him, you'd eventually regret it. Good for you for taking care of yourself.

 

[gschl1234]

Snowhite, I PM'd you

 

[Neuronix]

It's a hard decision to make. Personally, I wouldn't marry someone that I knew I'd have to have a LDR with for several years in the near future. That being said, for my special someone I would do anything to stay with her, and that includes completely rearranging my career goals. It's a give-and-take thing. Maybe he would never be able/willing to compromise for you, and if so, you should ditch him. On the other hand, maybe he would be in a better position to come with you in a number of years. I guess since he did the breaking up, he didn't feel comfortable with the idea that he'd have to follow you. Oh well. You're probably better off.

If I was him and I really loved you I would do one of two things:
1) Beg you to stay and promise that I'd make it worth your while in the way of compromise in the future. I mean, at least with him working he could suppot you financially so you could both live more comfortably.
2) Move with you.

Again, it doesn't sound like he really wanted to do either. So the heck with him.

 

[snowhite]

Oh...how frustrating...I wrote a really long and lovely (ha ha ha..believe me) post, but then my window just shut down. Well, anyway, I'll try to recap what I just wrote in what will probably be a less eloquent manner.

Anyway, Neuronix, I completely agree with you. My fiancee wasn't willing to compromise and neither was I. He wouldn't compromise by waiting for me or moving for me as I would attend the med school I want to go to, and I wouldn't compromise by going to the school that I didn't want to go to. In a way, it was a blessing. I think we would have held each other back from living the lives we both wanted to live and we loved each other too much to allow this to happen. I could have easily saved our relationship by attending the school, but I know eventually I wouldn't have been happy and would have resented him for it.

That being said, it had been difficult for me these past few weeks. It's hard to lose someone who I loved and was in love with and I know that deep down inside he felt the same way. Unfortunately, we both just have different paths to take in our lives right now and I will always remember and cherish everything about him and everything I've learned about life. It's so strange to be single though as I have not been alone in about 5 years. It's been a great experience being by myself though...I've learned so many things about myself. I didn't know that there was a *me* that existed without a significant other, but I have definitely grown in ways that I could never have even imagined. Although my signature line says "that which doesn't kill you only makes you want to die" I have taken a more optimistic view of late...definitely "that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger!"

I attribute part of my resillience to all of the loving and caring SDNers here who have supported me through hard times. When I first came on, I was just a stranger, but everyone was so welcoming and caring that I immediately felt part of the SDN family. I have admittedly made several friends off of SDN..(one of which I will be going on a trip to Europe with! ) and nothing makes me happier than knowing that the world will be blessed by such brilliant, caring and wonderful doctors/nurses/dentists/etc. to be. It has definitely made my time tough times smoother. I can only hope that I can return the favor some day.

 

[pathdr2b]

I'm somewhat in this situation in that I'm choosing to limit the schools I apply to for our relationship only because we are engaged. I would never (again) do this for a boyfriend no matter how much we "talked" about marriage. Talk is REAL cheap these days!

I'm curious to know if a proposal would change the OP's mind. It would certainily change mine, if and only if, I thought he was my soulmate

 

[scubadiva]

*hugs* all around for you snowy

{{{{snowy}}}} <--- I thought you might need the real thing this time around.

 

[scubadiva]

I'm somewhat in this situation in that I'm choosing to limit the schools I apply to for our relationship only because we are engaged. I would never (again) do this for a boyfriend no matter how much we "talked" about marriage. Talk is REAL cheap these days!

I'm curious to know if a proposal would change the OP's mind. It would certainily change mine, if and only if, I thought he was my soulmate

the OP WAS engaged during the process.

 

[snowhite]

*hugs* all around for you snowy

{{{{snowy}}}} <--- I thought you might need the real thing this time around.

There you are! Thanks, scuba!!!
{{{{{{{Scubes}}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{{to all}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[snowhite]

the OP WAS engaged during the process.

Yes...unfortunately. Gave the ring back though...I should have pawned it Just kidding.

 

[pathdr2b]

Yes...unfortunately. Gave the ring back though...I should have pawned it Just kidding.

Sorry I missed that. I guess I was a little thrown by the boyfriend/fiancee' statement in the original post.

Well, this changes my viewpoint then. As a person who's been engaged more than a few times (think Runaway Bride ) I wasn't in the past willing to give up academic opportunity/location for a relationship. However, now that I'm with the man I believe is my soulmate, I'm more than willing. This is THE difference, I think.

 

[snowhite]

Sorry I missed that. I guess I was a little thrown by the boyfriend/fiancee' statement in the original post.

Well, this changes my viewpoint then. As a person who's been engaged more than a few times (think Runaway Bride ) I wasn't in the past willing to give up academic opportunity/location for a relationship. However, now that I'm with the man I believe is my soulmate, I'm more than willing. This is THE difference, I think.

Congratulation! Best of luck to you both and I'm happy you found the "one!"

 

[Neuronix]

I believe that which doesn't kill you makes you bitter.

 

[snowhite]

I believe that which doesn't kill you makes you bitter.

true too

 

[Dr.Wolkower]

you need to list the positives on one side and the negatives on the other side.

you sound like you resent being pressured-only you can decide

2.long distance relationships are very hard to maintain-but can be done

3.you should do what YOU love-you only get to do what you want once

4.remember there will always be other relationships wherever you go

good luck whatever you do

 

[N-toxicologist]

I understand your heartache. This is never easy. I just ended ny marriage, which was hard, but needed to be done. I wasn't actively pursuing my education or med school when we first got together, but my husband knew I had huge dreams for myself and plans for something better for myself and my kids. After the better part of four years of fighting about me not working to attend classes, study time, MCAT prep classes vs. vacations, yada, yada, I came to realize he wasn't nearly as supportive as he promised to be. Why did it take me 4 years to figure it out? There are kids involved.

The last straw was when he more than willingly relocated out of state (unnecessarily) for a promotion. I felt he was being selfish, leaving me a week before finals, and leaving me alone with everything in my MCAT semester. Surprisingly, I found those 6 months rather peaceful, besides of the stress I just mentioned. The plan was, I was supposed to apply to east coast med schools to be with him by next fall, but I really didn't want to. It all came to a head when I finally told him I would NOT be applying OR moving out there. He decided I was serious, and immediately came home. But it was too little, too late. It was over.

During those 6 months, I asked myself some hard questions. I realized that a being a wife was low on my priority list, somewhere behind being a mother, student, and future doctor. I didn't have the time or energy for a husband/wife relationship, and I realized I didn't even want to try, so I don't blame this all on my ex. My own false beliefs of what I wanted out of life are partially to blame. Add to that someone making demands, spouting ultimatums, and generally being unsupportive, and I'm better off alone.

Ironically, the whole breakup has matured him, and he is now very much like the person I wish I would have married. He seems now to understand and appreciate what I'm doing and how hard it is. I have no doubt he'll be wonderful to his next wife, and hopefully she'll appreciate what he has become.

I'll stress this point: This is your dream, and nobody has the right to put terms on that (unless it's for your kids, but that's moot here). I know it hurts, but you did the right thing. Take solace in that, if nothing else.
{{{{hug from the labrat}}}}}}

 

[ChantillyLace]

Trust me what you're going through now is better than going through a divorce any day! As hard as this may be to hear now, you've probably saved yourself a ton of future grief!

Yes, problems now will be nothing compared to the problems later. Good job!

 

[no-see-um]

Yes, problems now will be nothing compared to the problems later. Good job!

ChantillyLace got a pretty face. And a pony tail hanging down. That wiggle in the walk and giggle in the talk. Makes the world go round.

 

[thewebthsp]

UNTlabrat's post makes me never want to get married

 

[N-toxicologist]

Or maybe it should make you careful to marry the right person the first time?

I don't know too many people in the "divorcee" group that didn't have at least some "feeling" however slight, that they were marrying the 'wrong" person. I know I did.

Precisely.

And when the time is right, and when your priorities are clear.

 

[pathdr2b]

And when the time is right, and when your priorities are clear.

I'm not too sure I'm a believer in the idea of a "right time" because for working women who have families or want them, I don't really think such a thing exists. I do believe in having ones priorities in order but most importantly I believe in having the "right attitude" as trite as that sounds.

Who was it that said life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it? Wise woman indeed!

 

[N-toxicologist]

I'm not too sure I'm a believer in the idea of a "right time" because for working women who have families or want them, I don't really think such a thing exists....

Spoken like a true fellow non-trad!

 

[thewebthsp]

what if I'm never 100% sure?

should I just stay single forever?

 

[Samoa]

Depends. Are you talking 90% vs. 100%? Or is it more like 99% certainty +1% anxiety over change? I would say even 9:1 in favor is a good bet, and enough to get engaged. Less than 90%, I'd hold off until you know why you're not more certain.

 

[MJTig]

grrr how frustrating.

if the situation was flipped, what would he do... demand his way? Is he usually like this or is he responding to the stress of a pending LD relationship? If you think he is just freaking out and showing it in a less-than-effective way- sit down and figure out if you need a break, or some of the other options out there.

Med school is hard enough without being somewhere you don't like. Whats gonna be next, even if you are right there will he get mad if you don't pay attention to him?

I am happy my bf ended up going somewhere close, but i would not have dreamed of stopping him from going if he needed to go farther away... thats his dream thats his life and i want him to be happy... and things wuld fall as they may.

This may be a warning sign of the way he may act whether you are far or close. but who knows... time will tell.

 

[MJTig]

grrr how frustrating.
...

Well, I hadn't read through the whole thing yet when I posted that... saw you two broke it off when he was still putting his foot down for his way and whould like to say you may have just been freed from a controlled relationship. Logic in wanting to settle down, yes... but paranoia that you do this to spite him instead of progressing in your dream is acting like a spoiled 3 year old.

*hug* i bet its tough... but I think its for the best.

 

[snowhite]

Well, I hadn't read through the whole thing yet when I posted that... saw you two broke it off when he was still putting his foot down for his way and whould like to say you may have just been freed from a controlled relationship. Logic in wanting to settle down, yes... but paranoia that you do this to spite him instead of progressing in your dream is acting like a spoiled 3 year old.

*hug* i bet its tough... but I think its for the best.

Thanks for your support, MJTig! It's been awhile but I actually do believe that what happened was for the best. Even though we probably had the best intentions for each other and for our relationship, in the end, we wanted to go about life differently. I'm presently single, but it's not the end of the world as I previously thought. I loved him and I do believe he loved me too, but sometimes love just isn't enough. I've learned so many great things by being by myself these past....hmmm...3 months?...and I'm sure there's so much more to learn. I didn't think I'd be happy where I am now (thinking back a few months ago), but I'm definitely at peace with everything now.

Congratulations on having a wonderful relationship yourself and I only hope I'll find someone someday who'll make me happy just as you're happy.