Advice needed (Anxiety and Sadness about moving)

[Evgeno]

Not even sure why I'm writing this as there's nothing I could "do", but you know what they say about talking out your problems.

I'm having extreme anxiety and sadness about my upcoming move for residency. Not nightmares, but I've been having bad dreams about the move all week. I'm a Southern California native. Went to a southern california UC for undergrad and went to that same UC for medical school. Had the great fortune of commuting from home for all 8 years. I'm moving out of state this weekend for residency (great program, but 3rd choice for obvious reasons).

This will be my first time away from my family. This isn't even about "independence" per se as I'm okay with making my own meals and doing my shopping, but the thought of maybe only seeing my family on some holidays instead of a day-to-day basis scares me. The thought of not seeing them for 4+ months at a time makes me sad. I'm even tearing up right now thinking about it.

Anything I should try to do to lighten my definite extreme homesickness? I'm going to try and hang out with the other interns as much as possible, but I know my homesickness will kick in every time I go back home to my empty apartment.
Planning on skyping with family as much as I can, but that's obviously not the same as seeing them in person.

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[IMreshopeful]

I also have lived near home/family for much of residency and fellowship and am moving elsewhere for further training. It’s a tough transition but you’ll do okay - I find that especially intern year you’re so busy that you often don’t have much time outside of work for other reasons. It’s great to have a family support setup and it can be really hard to lose that by moving. I don’t have a particular solution but you’ll manage

Also idk how long your particular residency is but you can always try to move back once you are done. That’s my plan as well

 

[candbgirl]

What you are experiencing is pretty normal. But the difference is many of us experienced it when we left for college. You’ll be fine. You'll Be working hard and hopefully you’ll love your work and program. Maybe there will be other interns that have been uprooted from their home cities and you can form a support system for each other. Good luck.

 

[killerleaf]

Anything I should try to do to lighten my definite extreme homesickness? I'm going to try and hang out with the other interns as much as possible, but I know my homesickness will kick in every time I go back home to my empty apartment.

As others have said, you will be busy. However, one line has stood out with me...about the "empty" apartment. Don't let it be "empty". I have seen many an intern's apartment that is just furniture (and not much of that) and nothing else. Bring stuff from home. Hang pictures. DECORATE. Ask your family for little things to send with you...pictures, funny sayings, maybe a quilt or throw that your great-aunt made for you. As stupid as it sounds, when I moved away from home, I took an old screw top jar, went into the backyard, and filled it with the red sandy dirt. There was many a time I dug it out, and it brought back memories of family.

 

[deleted967981]

Some tips that have helped me during the times I lived away from family:

1. Stay busy! Residency will probably take care of that for you, but when you have time off, go do things in your new city. Find the best restaurants, museums, look up free concerts, etc. If you’re outdoorsy, look into available outdoor activities that you enjoy.

2. Get plugged in to your new community ASAP. If you’re religious/spiritual, waste no time getting connected to a group or church in your area. You’ll meet people and feel more like this new place is “home” sooner. Try meetup groups, look into talks at the local university or library, or volunteering opportunities...you don’t have to focus on dating, but having friends is never a bad thing.

3. Stay in touch. I don’t know what your residency schedule or workload, but regularly calling, texting, and Skyping will help you feel connected to your family. Beware though: you’ll miss birthdays, sibling’s milestones, anniversaries, and inside jokes because you’re not there every day. You’ll be sad, and that’s ok. Being homesick means you came from a loving family and a happy home.

4. This is YOU time. While you lived at home during undergrad and medical school, your life revolved around your family, and that’s wonderful. The benefits of having a stable support system at your fingertips cannot be emphasized enough. But now you get to really focus on you...decorate your apartment to your taste, spend your free time how you want to, and revel a little in the fact that you are independent and young and successful. Take care of yourself, mentally, physically and spiritually. Down the road you may meet someone, start a family, and then your life will revolve around them. Enjoy the time you have for just you now.

I hope some of this helps. Best wishes, OP!

 

[Saddleshoes]

Welcome to adulthood!
You will do fine. Step up the the plate and hit a homer.

 

[candbgirl]

I hope you love your program, learn lots, become a great doc and make life long friends. Let go of the should of, would of etc.. You’ll be just fine. Good luck.

 

[deleted859535]

The Match pulled me far away from a significant other, friends, family, and lifelong familiarity to a similarly highly-ranked program on my list as you mentioned, though I didn't live at home for eight years like you did. Definitely one of the hardest parts of my medical training. I ended up with excellent residency training, so clearly, the Match knew something.

Part of the reason I ranked distant places highly is not only because I liked them, obviously, but also that at some point, distance just becomes "a plane ride" away when driving isn't feasible anymore, whether it's one state away or five states away.

You ranked it that way for a reason. You didn't get your #1 or #2 for a reason, whatever that reason was. Doesn't really matter. There is something that can justify virtually any match -- remind yourself of the things that are good about the place that you ranked as your third best option.

Make your new place home -- don't let it be barren. As was already said, there's lots of ways to keep in touch. There will be time for trips. You're not a surgical resident in the 1970s.

Remember this thread. Three years from now, you'll either be planning on moving back or, life being how it is, planning on something else entirely. In either case, it'll be an interesting reminder of when this seemed so overwhelming yet worked out just fine.

Been there. I feel for you, but it'll be okay.

 

[DarkHorizon]

Been there, for medical school. Was very sad to leave. But in hindsight, best thing that ever happened to me. Things will get busy and eventually you’ll realize it wasn’t so bad, in fact it’ll teach you a lot about life. You’re no longer in your comfort zone, you’ll learn a little about yourself too.

 

[peachesorangesapples]

You're not alone in thinking this OP. I am also very close to my family and have commuted from home for medical school, and the thought of leaving home is terrifying. But I also recognize that this is a part of growing up as well.

 

[IMreshopeful]

Thanks for all the advice and support guys.

I really, really hope this feeling passes. I moved in a couple of days ago and I cried myself to sleep last night.

I've been torturing myself actually looking up apartments from programs lower on my rank list that are closer to home to see "what if". Programs like UCSF Fresno that I stupidly ranked lower just because the majority of their residents were IMGs/Caribbean grads. All of these "what if" thoughts.

Yeah... don’t do that.

You’ve matched. Sounds like you’re at a good place which will set you up for a good career in your location of choice. Work hard and have fun for three years.

You can “what if” your entire life - we have all done it (what if this college? What if I had done that residency? What if I had done this specialty?) and ultimately it’s a stupid exercise in futility (not calling you stupid, just that doing this is silly). You can’t turn back time and you are still going to be a doctor in the specialty you like with the ability to work wherever you want - remember that

 

[mvenus929]

Thanks for all the advice and support guys.

I really, really hope this feeling passes. I moved in a couple of days ago and I cried myself to sleep last night.

I've been torturing myself actually looking up apartments from programs lower on my rank list that are closer to home to see "what if". Programs like UCSF Fresno that I stupidly ranked lower just because the majority of their residents were IMGs/Caribbean grads. All of these "what if" thoughts.

Dwelling on things you cannot change is not going to help you accept the change and make the best of it. Unless you don't want to be a doctor anymore, you have a residency position and will be in training for the next couple years.

I cannot fathom your feelings right now--I'm a military kid, and my mom lived halfway around the world (Kuwait, then Iraq a few years later) when I was freshman in college. My dad has never been really involved in my life. So, moving across the country for med school, and residency, and fellowship without knowing anyone in the respective locations didn't really bother me.

I *will* tell you that you will find friends and an adopted family in your new location. You can still talk to your family members all the time. Use skype/facetime as a bridge until you start to make those connections. You will always miss home, but the feeling should be less painful once you set down roots in your new location.

 

[anonperson]

Thanks for all the advice and support guys.

I really, really hope this feeling passes. I moved in a couple of days ago and I cried myself to sleep last night.

I've been torturing myself actually looking up apartments from programs lower on my rank list that are closer to home to see "what if". Programs like UCSF Fresno that I stupidly ranked lower just because the majority of their residents were IMGs/Caribbean grads. All of these "what if" thoughts.

No offense to Fresno natives, but Fresno sucks.

I was in the same situation. Southern California native. Undergrad close to home etc.

Had to do medical school and residency across the country. I was bummed out, but it is temporary.

I ended up doing fellowship in Southern California and now have a job 15 minutes from where I grew up, close to my parents and siblings.

This is a minor bump in the road and honestly not a big deal.

Nut up and focus on doing your job well. The situation is what it is so learn to love your situation so you can succeed.

 

[deleted859535]

Thanks for all the advice and support guys.

I really, really hope this feeling passes. I moved in a couple of days ago and I cried myself to sleep last night.

I've been torturing myself actually looking up apartments from programs lower on my rank list that are closer to home to see "what if". Programs like UCSF Fresno that I stupidly ranked lower just because the majority of their residents were IMGs/Caribbean grads. All of these "what if" thoughts.

Did that too. Only makes it worse, right?

You're in it for the long haul. It's going to suck briefly, but then it's going to be fine, and you'll be better for it on the other end once you get underway.

 

[Carlin]

You’re allowed to be homesick, but I really encourage you to try to change your outlook. Go out, explore your new city, meet people, make friends! Starting over in a new place can be challenging, but you aren’t alone. Your hospital is bound to be full of brand new interns who also don’t know anyone. Reach out to them and start building a community for yourself. I made some of my closest friends during my intern year.

 

[Merely]

Not even sure why I'm writing this as there's nothing I could "do", but you know what they say about talking out your problems.

I'm having extreme anxiety and sadness about my upcoming move for residency. Not nightmares, but I've been having bad dreams about the move all week. I'm a Southern California native. Went to a southern california UC for undergrad and went to that same UC for medical school. Had the great fortune of commuting from home for all 8 years. I'm moving out of state this weekend for residency (great program, but 3rd choice for obvious reasons).

This will be my first time away from my family. This isn't even about "independence" per se as I'm okay with making my own meals and doing my shopping, but the thought of maybe only seeing my family on some holidays instead of a day-to-day basis scares me. The thought of not seeing them for 4+ months at a time makes me sad. I'm even tearing up right now thinking about it.

Anything I should try to do to lighten my definite extreme homesickness? I'm going to try and hang out with the other interns as much as possible, but I know my homesickness will kick in every time I go back home to my empty apartment.
Planning on skyping with family as much as I can, but that's obviously not the same as seeing them in person.

Youll get used to it 3 months into residency, it will be difficult at first but you’ll acclimate. It’s tough but hang in there bro you got this. Good luck.

 

[MiddleOfNowherrr]

Just here to reiterate what everyone else has said. You WILL adjust. For many reasons. First, you will get so absorbed in trying to learn residency the homesickness will quickly fall by the wayside. Also, there is some joy in being away from family during residency. Dont know abt your fam but mine sure can drive me crazy and have unrealistic expectations about how much *quality* time I can spend with them during downtime. Ie-not every free moment do I want to spend with them (I sound like I have a black heart dont I?). I liked happy hrs with co residents to vent, alone time, time with my significant other, SLEEP...plus U have to study so all this adds up to almost 24/7 being occupied by other things rather than missing family. I will say that I left my hometown after high school for college so i got a little practice in before i got to the point of residency. But i moved to new places with each step of the way ( medschool/ residency/ fellowship/job) and while every transition was difficult at first, I quickly adjusted and found my happy place every time. The first couple transitions were hardest bc of lack of experience but they ALL got better over time esp once I made friends.
I actually miss learning abt new places and seeing different areas of the country. U should take advantage of what your new city/town has to offer, it will be fun meeting new ppl and seeing new things.

 

[deleted967981]

Thanks for all the support everyone. It hasn't been getting easier but I'll get through it with all the advice here.

Sorry, this is turning out to be more of a venting/diary thread rather than an advice thread. I left home last week but actually flew to my new apartment with my parents to help unpack. I dropped them off at the airport last night; it was a night I was dreading all week. I had some tears when we were driving to the airport, but when I hugged my parents goodbye at the terminal, I saw my mom get really emotional and she started crying.

Seeing my mom like that really hit me hard and I bawled on the way back and this morning. Just picturing that face again gets to me; thinking to myself why did I have to cause her to have this much sadness. Why couldn't I be smart enough to match to my #1 or #2. Why couldn't I score even 5-10 points higher on Step 1...

Those extra points wouldn’t have guaranteed you a spot at your #1 or #2 choice, OP. Even if you did everything flawlessly, you weren’t guaranteed a spot anywhere.

Hang in there, and seek help if you’re feeling like you’re truly in a dark place. Put your head down, focus on work for now, and get to know your new city when you can.

OP, I’m a mom of a 21, soon to be 22-year old. It was really hard to let her move away to college a few years ago, and she has since moved even farther away to a new school last month. I’m moving 1,000 miles away from her next week, and it’s hard as a parent to know that she’s so far I can’t get to her in a few hours if she needs me...but you know what? I’m also super proud of her for being brave enough to want to move to a new place. It’s gratifying to see her stand on her own two feet, and function as a healthy adult. I would never want her to feel guilty for living her life, and I’m sure your parents are proud of you and don’t want you to feel guilty either.

 

[DokterMom]

Lots of good advice already, so I'll just put my own spin on some of it --

The folks I knew who were the most homesick were the ones that stayed most-closely in touch with their families and who went home on the weekends (either physically or virtually). You're in a whole new place OP with a whole new group of people. Commit fully to your NEW place and invest in it. What does that mean?

• If you've already met some of your co-interns, invite a group of them to go with you on some outings around your new city. Have everyone choose a spot or an activity, or if they're not gung-ho, you pick the first couple and have folks sign up for some other dates. The key is getting out and doing things that are enjoyable and that take you around your new city. Maybe pick a restaurant a week to try --
• If your new location has a convention and visitor's brueau, go there and ask for maps of area attractions. Or check out the lobby displays of some area hotels. Make it a point to visit some of these. You never know what you'll find fabulous.
• Get lost. I'm serious. Just get in your car and explore. Turn the nav system off - you'll learn more.
• If you've got bare walls, change that ASAP. Nothing makes a place feel like home like artwork. Doesn't have to be expensive - ethnic textiles are beautiful, colorful and can be very reasonable. IKEA freestanding shelves with collections of curiosities. Even books opened to great pictures -- Or find a fabulous half-priced art book or calendar, some inexpensive (but nicely matted - that's key) frames, and raid the pictures.
• If you're feeling lonely, find the local dog shelter and play with the dogs. It'll make their day and yours. If one of your co-residents has a dog, offer to take it to the dog park while things are still slow. (This is probably not the time to get your own dog. A cat maybe?)
• If you like to cook, cook and freeze in meal-sized portions now! Hunt down your city's ethnic supermarkets and get creative.
• Call your folks on a regular schedule, and NOT every day! Keep it short and upbeat when you do talk.
  

Good luck!