Advice: Marriage and Family (Mine!)

[Cafepinay]

Hey all...

Here's my situation (sounds similar to that of several of you)...

I have been with my serious boyfriend for almost a year (although we have been friends for longer)....and I am reapplying to medical school for Fall of 2004. While I know that adjusting to med school and marriage will be difficult, I don;t want to wait 4 years to get married (which is exactly what my family is pushing me to do, saying that he will be too much of a "distraction" and I'll fail.)

They tell me, "If he truly loved you, he'd wait for 4 years" At this point, we know this is it, and we are committed (which is the reason why we got together in the first place...we knew this was the one we wanted to marry) 1 year is not a long time compared tto some, but sometimes you just...know.

However, I can't imagine a possible LDR for four years!!! Am I wrong to think this?? And for me, living together without being married is not an option.

I think I should spend the first year adjusting to med school, then get married sometime before/during second year. Is this feasible?? My mom (who was a doctor in the old country) will hit the ceiling...but I know it can be done (thanks to you guys)

What are the advantages of coming home to someone other than your roommate or immediate family during these difficult years??

Are these people "doomed to fail" like my mother tries to tell me?

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[pathdr2b]

Originally posted by Cafepinay
I have been with my serious boyfriend for almost a year (although we have been friends for longer)....

No offense, but you might want to pose this question after you guys become engaged. Until then, it's all a moot point. You'd be suprised at the number of times many of us have seen a "serious" boyfriend become a "serious" ex-boyfreind.

 

[vixen]

Originally posted by pathdr2b
No offense, but you might want to pose this question after you guys become engaged. Until then, it's all a moot point. You'd be suprised at the number of times many of us have seen a "serious" boyfriend become a "serious" ex-boyfreind.

good point

but to make you feel better, my bf of a little over 3yrs and I have spent the last 2yrs apart, and then next 2 will be apart also....3hr driving distance....it sucks but at least we can finish our **** and not get sidetracked....if we were in the same place, we'd prob get married soon, but we're waiting cause it doesnt make sense unless we're in the same place....i think your parents are kinda right about this....if its meant to be, it'll happen you both can wait....its only been a year....plus it'll give you 2 time on how to work through difficult times....if you can make it being LD, you'll be fine (at least thats how my bf and I see it)....anyways, good luck!

 

[cocoNUT]

If "cafepinay" is any indication of "the old country" where your parent's are from, then I know exactly where you're coming from! However, my parents are a bit more liberal than some. Immediately after graduating with my bachelor's, my parents were actually the ones that suggested that me and my BF (together 6 years at the time, 1.5yrs LDR) get married already.

I'll be entering med school this fall and dragging my hubby along with me. I honestly do not think being married is a distraction... my hubby will provide the support (emotional, spiritual, physical and financial!) I will so desperately need during those years of suffering thru books and studying. After all, I need someone to cook my meals and wash my laundry!

One point that may be worth considering is that during your "newlywed" time, you would want to enjoy the novelty of starting a new life w/ your SO. I don't know if 2nd year of med school is ideal for that.

 

[Wifty]

Doomed to fail? Not at all! Well, not if its a good relationship and meant to be.

I have been a medical spouse now for a year and this is what I have observed from hanging out with married and single students.

- The married students tend to be less stressed overall becasue they have a support system to help make sure they eat, relax, focus on other things, have sex, and get everyday life done for them. This is true regardless if the student is male or female.

- The single students party a bit more....but since hubby and I had no kids, we joined in the majority of the time.

- Single students were more likely to be gunners whereas married students generally traded off being straight A students for time with family. I think this is more healthy overall.

- Med school can be stressful and it can be hard at times. I can't underestimate how much it helps to have someone to wrap their arms around you at the end of a hard day.

- I as a spouse, AM a distraction....but not in a bad way. Becoming a doctor is worthless if you lose your sense of pleasure in life becasue you only study for 4 years and have no love in your life.

Ok.....I also know some spouses that are long distance (up to 20 hours away!).....and they are doing fine.

And I know some single people that honestly would not be as capable a student if they were married right now.

YOU know what you need........and don't let ANYONE tell you differently!

With smiles,
Wifty.....who met, fell in love, got engaged & married all within a year......when you know, you know.

 

[k's mom]

Marriage is hard with or without medschool. My feeling is that those people who "blame" med school on breaking up a relationship are simply using it as an easy excuse.

Getting down to specifics, if you guys are going to get married, I say do it before 1st year, or right after 1st year ends.

Hubby just finished MS1 (I haven't posted on the boards all year...it went by fast!!!!!), but I was pleasantly surprised at how much time we had together. It was just like undergrad, but he didn't have to work nights...essentially we had more time together than we have had in our seven year relationship! We live "on" campus to minimize commute time, and he sets up specific hours/days he will study at school, so when he is home, he is mine (actually, ours. We have two kids, which is the primary reason he doesn't study at home!)

Right now we are enjoying a wonderful 10 week break before MS2 starts. Lots of time for a wedding, honeymoon, settling in, etc..... MS2 looks much more academically intense, and at the end of it all, he will be cramming for the USMLE1, followed immediately (within 2 weeks) of his first MS3 rotation.

 

[sddoc]

I just finished my first year in medical school, and let me tell you, I couldn't have done it without my husband. He was a wonderful support system who kept me connected with the "real world" even when I was most stressed.

Really, the secret to getting through medical school is to prioritize and manage your time. For me, my husband is my first priority. Medical school runs a distant second, and I my grades were just fine this year.

I have several friends who are also married in medical school to non medical students. They are making a go of it with very little trouble.

Good luck... and don't let anyone else tell you that you can't do something.

 

[manta]

i don't have any advice to add. but i can definitely relate. same situation (different old country ), and he'll be a third year 5 hours away as i start my 1st year. my mom is adamant that we wait. and for once, i didn't back down or lie - i just told her we've already decided that we're getting married next summer and that's that. she hasn't backed down per se (now she's just being incredibly passive-aggresive), but she does live all the way across the country and can't actively stop anything.

anyway, i have heard that the best time is between first and second year. ok, i do have some advice. i would definitely be sure that he understands that it is difficult to be a med student's/doctor's spouse. talk about it often, and acknowledge how he is helping you. and i would enjoy living a simplier life (w/o kids or money) while it lasts.
good luck to both of you.

 

[southcom]

It seems eeryone who do get married during med school do so between 1st and 2nd year, any advice on doing so in between 2nd and 3rd, this is my plan b/c that is when my gf is graduating from her school and can move to where my med school is, any advice, or should I just wait till I'm finished? I do love her, but 4 years is a long wait, 2 is bad enough, any response will help, thanks in advance

 

[squeek]

To southcom:

I wouldn't recommend getting married between 2nd and 3rd year. Third year is just too tough--I hardly saw my spouse at all, and that is certainly not the way to start a marriage. Between 3rd and 4th years would be much better--4th year has been a piece of cake so far, and you'd have lots of time to adjust to married life and to really get to know each other. Quite a few of my classmates have taken this route.

In response to the questions about marriage and medical school:

My husband was absolutely the best thing for me during medical school. Wifty's thoughts are right on, so I won't repeat them here. However, I actually think I've done much better academically BECAUSE I'm married. I don't have as much pressure to be involved in the myriad social activities, and I feel there's a lot more balance in my life. My husband is, indeed, a distraction--but he's a fun one. And I think enough time in play/procrastination helps me really focus when it is time to sit down and work hard.

I don't know, however, if I would get married right before starting first year, either. My husband and I got married right out of college and then took off an entire year before starting med/grad school. We really had time to get to know each other and to form our life together prior to moving and starting up in a new city. The move was so horrible and stressful even having been married for a year...I don't know what we would have done had we been newlyweds at the time.

Hope this is helpful...good luck!

 

[southcom]

thanks for the advice, I fully know my gf, but If there was really any other way but due to her looking for a job in between 2nd and 3rd, but thanks again, I will remem you advice though

 

[gwyn779]

Originally posted by southcom
thanks for the advice, I fully know my gf, but If there was really any other way but due to her looking for a job in between 2nd and 3rd, but thanks again, I will remem you advice though

I just got married between 2nd and 3rd year and it's working out great. Get married when you want, since that will make you the happiest.

 

[southcom]

thanks for the advice, how much time did you have during 3rd to spend with your spouse?

 

[Qafas]

I just finished my first year, and it just isn't as hard as people make it out to be. My wife and I had a wonderful time, and are looking forward to the next year. Get married, if that is what the two of you really want. Forget all this crap about the waiting game and "it'll happen if it's meant to be" etc. etc. It'll happen if and only if you make it. Don't let med school get in the way of life.

Good Luck!

 

[southcom]

glad to hear an optimist on being married thanks

 

[gwyn779]

Originally posted by southcom
thanks for the advice, how much time did you have during 3rd to spend with your spouse?

I just started 3rd year, so I don't know how it will go the rest of the year. But my husband is studying to be a paramedic, working full-time as a cardiac tech., and also volunteering at the local rescue squad at least 12 hrs/week. So, both of us are very busy, which I think helps a lot. He's not just sitting around at home waiting for me. We just make sure to schedule time together every once in a while.

 

[leapfrog]

I came across this discussion while looking for a forum such as this one. I just wanted everyone to know that I find it remarkable to hear others talk about the very things I and my girlfriend struggle with. It has really opened my eyes to my future with a one day doc.

 

[punjabiMD]

Originally posted by leapfrog
I came across this discussion while looking for a forum such as this one. I just wanted everyone to know that I find it remarkable to hear others talk about the very things I and my girlfriend struggle with. It has really opened my eyes to my future with a one day doc.

wow. I have to say that I just stumbled onto this thread as well. My gf and I had a conversation about this same stuff earlier tonite... I"m definitely going to try and get her to join sd.net so that she can read/post in this forum.

 

[chayne]

You are definitely not doomed to fail. I had my choice between MD at a good school in another city or MD/PhD (not really funded, so the end money picture was the same) at a good school in the same city as my then "serious boyfriend," who was also an MD/PhD student. So, if I'd chosen to go elsewhere, I would have been done a lot faster, but I would have been apart from him for at least four years, which was unacceptable to me if there was another way. And we did get engaged, married, and are parents twice over. And I'm still in that *@#$(# MD/PhD program! It does occur to me, on my worst research days (not liking it, but should finish soon), that I'd be almost done with residency by now if I'd gone to that other city and done a straight MD, but I've been so happy otherwise that I wouldn't change a thing.

One thing that is totally natural for us as medical students to do is to think that it's all about the medical student's personality to make or break the marriage. While obviously that is critical, I think it is VERY important that the spouse/partner of the medical student be quite self-sufficient. Does your boyfriend need a lot of emotional support from you? Is he okay with long stretches of time alone or engaged in activities you're not involved in? Is he capable of just going with the flow when you have a little meltdown? You will be around, but you won't always have much left over from your own worries to support him. And I'm not trying to say that you won't have lot of low-stress, fun times together, it's just that the bad times can seem to last so much longer than the calendar says they do.

Well, best of luck on your decisions. I am as guilty as anyone of overthinking the future, but do try to take it one step at a time (ie. get engaged, see where you get accepted, etc.) You can certainly have your relationship in medical school, even a family, if that's what you set your heart on.

 

[StealthFille]

Originally posted by pathdr2b
No offense, but you might want to pose this question after you guys become engaged. Until then, it's all a moot point. You'd be suprised at the number of times many of us have seen a "serious" boyfriend become a "serious" ex-boyfreind.

I broke off my engagement four years ago. (He is an AWESOME man, we're still great friends--it just wasn't IT.) My best friend just broke off her engagement to an abusive fiance. I have the most binding commitment of my life with my "serious boyfriend". If you don't mind, in a society where the divorce rate is 50%+, what the hell does a temporary, returnable engagement ring have to do with anything?! I have friends who were proposed to in HIGH SCHOOL. I have friends who were proposed to because their boyfriend cheated and wanted to make up and "prove" he wouldn't do it again. (Which he inevitably did.) I've been proposed to twice (one no, one yes, neither time by my current boyfriend). My parents have friends (a couple) who were just married after dating 26 years with NO engagement. What makes you think that a guy popping out a ring (for God only knows what reason, possibly to a woman he BEATS, in my friend's case) makes a particular relationship any more or less lasting? I am VERY VERY curious.

 

[StealthFille]

I just thought of more to add.
My boyfriend interviewed at a school that bragged of higher than 100% divorce rate for residents. If you believe that, and significant other relationships are, as you claim, a "moot point," then engagements are hopeless and marriages... why bother?
Secondly, from the feminist (and I'm a lipstick feminist to say the LEAST) perspective, in our society, men are expected to initiate engagement to be married. Only an exceptionally strong, confident woman who doesn't care what ANYONE says about her would initiate an engagement herself. So just because this poster's boyfriend is concerned about money, or is too young, or feels like he can't provide enough, or a million other reasons why he feels he can't offer marriage yet, we're to assume their relationship is invalid? That's INSANE.

 

[dapimp]

if you cant go to school and be married you are a *****. why do people get on here and ask stupid questions about should they do a ldr or get married. if you have to ask, then forget it. also, you guys are adults now, not 4