Advice from seasoned professionals on Medicine and Marriage/Relationships

[Mr H]

Hello everyone,

I need a bit of advice. I reside in the northeast, attend a medical school there, and am currently entering the match this year. I have been with my girlfriend for over 4 years, all of which has been long distance (about a 2 hr drive). She is not in the medical field. Now the the match is approaching, it is becoming a reality that there is potential we will be further apart than we have ever been. She lives in a major metropolitan area in the northeast, where she has strong ties with her current job, creative passions, family, etc. She does not want to leave. I however dislike her city and could not imagine living there.

I have however, applied to a number of programs where she lives, to show compromise, but I honestly don't think that any of them will pan out. After living the past 4+ years apart, and seeing each other on average about twice a month, I am not prepared to endure the same thing through residency. We would like to get married, but I honestly am not prepared to go through having a long distance marriage, while in residency. She doesn't see to have a real problem with this situation, and that's where we differ. Has anyone had any long-term experience with this?

To make this worst, she is really only willing to move to a handful of select cities if I match there, and only those cities. The only bad thing is that a number of the cities that she will not move to, are the ones where I have the greatest chance of matching (d/t connections, previous rotation experience, etc).

Sooooo, is this a lost cause? Has anyone had an experience with an extended long distance relationship/marriage while in residency? If so, how difficult is it really?

Don't know what to do, please advise!

Thanks!

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[dotdash]

At the heart of the matter is your (and her) commitment to your relationship. It sounds from what you've said that neither of you would happily put relationship over location, which is not a good sign.

If she *is* the woman you will marry, why not go to her city if you can? She loves it, so what can be so bad about it? Unless it is NYC -- the only place that can really be unlivable to those who don't like it -- there must be some part of the city you could be happy in. You are not going to be a big positive presence in her life, at least for the first couple of years, so if you are committed to her, why don't you leave her her other friends and community?

You've been together for four years, so you should know if you are committed for the long term or not. If you are not fully committed to each other, neither of you should make a big compromise. And if you don't live together during residency, you will never see each other, at least for the first year. That will be likely to kill your relationship, whether you are married or not.

Time to fish or cut bait, as they say.

 

[sgtbrushes]

Have to agree with dotdash. If both of you aren't willing to choose each other over location, then do not get married and have a "long distance" marriage. There is no such thing. I did this for awhile after being married for about 2 months because of a military deployment. Time apart is HARD. Residency is HARD, too. If you combine those two things, you're kind of setting yourself up for failure, in my opinion.