...A New Adjustment...

[Chicken_Little]

HI everyone,

Im not quite sure if this is the best place to post this, nevertheless I need someone to hear me out because unfortunately I am not making things any easier for myself.

My boyfriend of nearly 2 years has recently moved out of state for Pharm School. I support him 110% and am truly glad that he has decided to pursue his true inkling. However, since his move there has been a few things that have truly bothered me... his surrounding friends.

Okay I know that jealousy is a factor in all relationships and its soothed by trust and reassurrancee. Problem is, his circle of friends is predominantly woman and he's a very friendly individual. I trust him yet somehow I cannot put my heart to rest, ,when I hear that hes going to spend some time with them. I know that he is in a different state and granted having no close family or friends around, these ladies in his pharm class are his close friends. However, I have informed him that although I do not mind occasional hangouts, there are some things i really do not want him to participate in with him. One being... clubbing/drinking til early morning. I know everyone has different perceptions of what influence a gf or bf has on their significant other but in my opinion, I've always thought that going to a club w.out your girlfriend/boyfriend and in the company of the opposite sex... is WRONG.

Yes I admit it is it is a bit of jealousy that drives my anger here, but what hurts more is that I've told him that I am not or could ever be comfy with him doing that and he still went ahead and did it and expects me to just be okay with it....

could i be overacting and should just learn to trust him and get over the jealousy act? and why is it such a hard concept to accept?

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[raspberry swirl]

i dont have much advice, but since no one was responding to you, i guess i can say a few words. my bf and i have gone to separate medical schools going on four years now, so i understand what you're going through.
1) long distance relationships can be really hard, so like you said, its going to be tricky and you do have to have a lot of trust

2) some guys are just those types of guys that have a lot of girl friends- sounds like your guy is one of them. this may not mean anything at all

3) you can't forbide someone to go out with their friends ... how would you feel if all of your friends were going out to a club and your boyfriend said you couldnt go because there was going to be another single guy in the group? would you be happy to sit home alone while everyone else is out? of course not. you'd be bitter and resentful and would start to not like him (which is what will happen if you continue to make demands). not only is it a completely unrealistic request, its not fair.

4) you either trust him or you dont. plain and simple. my boyfriend is also someone who attracts girls by doing absolutely nothing. he never initiates conversation, but he does nothing to dissuade it. however i trust him in that nothing will go farther than some harmless flirtatious banter. EITHER YOU TRUST HIM OR YOU DONT. bottom line. and that is YOUR issue, not his (and if you dont trust him, you shouldnt be dating him- it sounds harsh, but its the honest truth- spare yourself the agony).

HOWEVER should he be willing to talk to you about it and come up with some compromises together? absolutely. perhaps you can negotiate more frequent visits. or squeeze in a fun trip if he has a long weekend. designate specific phone times that are reserved for you and you alone. i think its reasonable to say he shouldnt be going out with one other girl, just the two of them, when alcohol is involved. im sure you guys will work it

 

[beannaithe]

One of the most important things in any long distance relationship is TRUST. (I'm in the same boat except I'm the one who left and not the boyfriend.)

Where I go, the pharm school is right near the dental school and I will tell you there are barely any guys in our pharm school. It's mostly girls, so that probably explains why most of his friends are female. If he's the kind of guy who can be friends and being nothing more (like most guys), then I would completely not even worry about it. People can go out with girls (as long as it's not just him and one girl) and everything be okay. I've done it myself and hung out with a bunch of guys. It weirded the boyfriend out a bit, but I think he realized that I'd never do anything to hurt him...

If I were you, I wouldn't let it bother you. I know everything gets blown out of proportion when you're long distance instead of short distance. You should voice your concerns, but forbidding him to see his friends would be a really bad idea....it could eventually lead you to lose him.

I think you should trust him more....and you could always just ask him when he goes out to call you when he gets back just to make sure he's alright. I usually do that with my boyfriend, just because I don't like the idea of me being out alone at night by myself.

THere's really nohing you can do, but live your own life and keep loving him. You have to trust because even if you were short distance, your relationship would be doomed.