A Harvard Alum's Cautionary Tale

[JennaQ]

I got out of school sometime last week and perused some magazine racks to relax and waste some time. Given that college responses are coming back, I thought that this might be a good article to pad the possible sorrow of rejection. Or perhaps to wet the appetite of those already satisfied at getting into their dream schools.

Article sourced from KoreAm. A Korean-American publication centered on an audience in LA. Normally the magazine in my opinion is a joke, but there are some articles that are somewhat noteworthy in my book. I apologize for the racial quips and the ego-centrified racial remarks. It was a magazine intended for Korean Americans.

A Harvard Alum's Cautionary Tale
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"Spring is approaching, and with it the highly anticipated arrival of college acceptance letters. Nowhere is the anxiety level higher than among Korean American teens, who tend to think that the college they get into determines whether they will have a good life. When I was a reporter for the Korea Times English Edition in the early '90s, I asked counselors at Los Angeles area high schools whether they thoght Korean Americans were the most grade-conscious students. About half said yes, and other half said that the Chinese, Vietnamese, Iranians and Jews were equally obsessed.

I remember the day that I got my acceptance letter from Harvard. I could feel my heart beating in my chest as I opened the letter. I breathed a sigh of relief when I read the first word - "Congratulations!" I called my mother at work. "Mom, I got into Harvard!" I exclaimed. She said softly, "Oh, Kay," sounding happy and moved.

This was in mid-January of 1983, as I had applied early decision to Harvard. Flash forward to 2004, 21 years later. I am 39; my mother is 64. "Sending you to Harvard was just a vanity," she said. "We couldn't afford it. I don't know what we were thinking." About two years ago, my father half-jokingly said that they should have sent me to the University of Maryland (I grew up in Maryland), or the local community college.

If you are gasping at this, it's because you are a normal, kimchi-eating Korean American.

I don't know whether my parents really think Harvard was a mistake, or whether they are just trying to "guilt" me into getting my life back on track. Either way, they are crushed that their "perfect" little girl didn't become the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, PTA president and Korean chef extraordinaire, as they had hoped. Right now, at least on paper, I don't look very good.

I'm 44, single and an unemployed documentary filmmaker. I have been jobless for a year and a half. I was unemployed for all of 2006, and for a long stretch in 2004.When I wasn't idle, I was working "below my capacity" as an accounting clerk or temp, ostensibly to support my film, but basically to heal from a semi-nervous breakdown. Ah, yes, the breakdown. In September 2003, after working pretty much nonstop for six years - in film school and on my current documentary - I realized that I just. Couldn't. Work. I remember seeing a piece of trash on the living room floor, and barely being able to pick it up off the floor.

I was able to wash the dishes, pay the bills, and get myself over to shrink appointments, but that was it.

What happened? With the help of some heavy-duty therapy, I saw that almost everything in my life up until then had let up to that moment. I was your basic goody-two-shoes, nerdy kid all throughout school. I was your Korean AMerican parent's dream daughter, with the exception of bieng short, flat-chested as a teenager, and having only one sankapeol.

I had internalized my parents' values so much, I mistook them for my own. I wanted to go to the "best" college, after which I would go to law school. I was dissapointed when I found out I coudln't be the president of the United States, since I was born in Korea, so I settled onb eing Chief Justice. I assumed that I would marry someone rich, good-looking, nice, interesting and sexy, and I planned on having two boys and two girls.

So, did Harvard help make me successful? Did going to Harvard make me happy? Sorry to dissapoint you, but no, and no.

I would like to say this to any young person who is trying to decide on a college. Try to figure out who you are, and what is going to work for you. Harvard wasn't a good fit for me, but it might be a good fit for toher people. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to answer these questions for myself. My protective parents meant well, but they infantilized me. I assued that they had all the answers.

Remember: Your are 18 (or 22 or 27 or 32). You are an adult. You can define "success" or "happiness" for yourself. For some people, it's being the best artist that they can be. For others, it's fighting for social justice. For still others, it's being financially "set" and having a high-status job.

Don't get me wrong. I got a lot out of going to Harvard, including a great education. However, it didn't really fit with my values or my needs. It was a rather cold, competitive place. There was a lot of emphasis on being the top "this" or best "that." I had no self-awareness at the time, or I might have realized that I was emotionally fragile and needed a smaller, more nurturing environment.

The advantage of having a breakdown- going to the abyss and looking over the edge- is that I finally realized that I defined "success" as "happiness" and I defined happiness as having good relationships, being creative, having a family of my own (still crowwing my finger on that one), and doing an honest day's work.

I had to have my breakdown and deal with all that turmoil and pain. But hopefully, you're not one of those people who have to be sadder, to be wiser.

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[Vicviper]

A very interesting read, and something that should definitely be taken into account when picking where t ogo to school. Go to a school that matches with you, not a school you want to match with because of the name.

 

[tkim]

All this confirms is that Korean women are insane. Hi mom.

 

[Terpskins99]

All this confirms is that Korean women are insane. Hi mom.

 

[tennisball80]

This is a very interesting article. I am glad that I am going to a small state college in a mild warm place.

 

[EyEnStein 07]

Im finding it rather difficult to comprehend how an institution such as Harvard cannot provide one with "my values or my needs"

I think that its best to go where you are comfortable and for some people (such as myself) its just not possible with the price tag of private schools.
To be honest, im convinced there are many pre- med, dent, opt, pharm ..
students out there who are not doing well in school not because there not intelligent, but because they arent comfortable where they are, and their schools just dont provide them with the right opportunities and tools. Now im not saying this is the 100% main factor, ofcourse it has to do with the students performance overall, but i think that little things like that add up and can potentially cause problems.

 

[DLi]

Makes me kinda glad that I ****ed up my grades in 9th and 10th grade, and also got quite a few lectures from my dad about being stuck in McDonalds.

In the end, I'm going to a school that I think I'll enjoy. I'm also coming in at the right time to see my football team kick your football team's ass!

 

[malpractician]

i've seen people write off the school they were headed to just because they got into an ivy, which is a clear mistake

Just know what you're getting into, ivies have a reputation for a reason, and the kind of warm welcoming environment some students want may not be there.

Not to mention Bostonian winters.... no thanks.

 

[link2swim06]

i've seen people write off the school they were headed to just because they got into an ivy, which is a clear mistake

Just know what you're getting into, ivies have a reputation for a reason, and the kind of warm welcoming environment some students want may not be there.

Not to mention Bostonian winters.... no thanks.

Agreed

 

[sumstorm]

Im finding it rather difficult to comprehend how an institution such as Harvard cannot provide one with "my values or my needs"

I think that its best to go where you are comfortable and for some people (such as myself) its just not possible with the price tag of private schools.
To be honest, im convinced there are many pre- med, dent, opt, pharm ..
students out there who are not doing well in school not because there not intelligent, but because they arent comfortable where they are, and their schools just dont provide them with the right opportunities and tools. Now im not saying this is the 100% main factor, ofcourse it has to do with the students performance overall, but i think that little things like that add up and can potentially cause problems.

I know the Ivies wouldn't have been a good fit for me. I did go to a liberal arts school that was private and pretty pricey, but I actually had more scholarship money than I could have ever received at my in-state public school, which reduced my tuition to 1/2 of the state school while providing smaller class sizes, ample research opportunities, that ability to know nearly every student on campus, leadership oppurtunities on campus and in the community, and opportunities for grant funded travel for both academics and social responsibility.

The ivies, even Harvard, can't provide that. It is an entirely different environment. Environment counts. I prefer to attend schools known for 'changing lives' rather than 'big names.' While you haven't likely heard of my undergrad, we have the highest rate of professional and graduate school acceptance in the country, our current undergrad research model is being considered as a framework by congress for other undergrad institutions to bring science and research back to the forefront of American education, and I still know and speak with all of my professors (even some I never took a class with) nearly a decade out of college.

 

[ButImLETired]

I feel like most of you totally missed the point of the article.

The author's argument isn't that going to an Ivy sucks or that Harvard doesn't offer a good environment. Her point is that you should really try to figure out what kind of person you are, what you're looking to gain from your education, and pursue that, regardless of what your parents want you to do. You can in fact take that same argument and use it against people whose parents don't want to help them pay for college or who tell their kids they shouldn't live far away from home, and therefore never really try to go out of state and grow as people. I think this example in fact applies to far more people than the "don't go to an Ivy, go to a lesser-known school where you'll get more personal attention" argument.

So yeah. Think about yourself and what you think you need to grow as a person. Most people I know who went to Harvard really enjoyed it and got something great out of it. I also know people who went to their state school and are still hanging out with the same people they hung out with in high school, and they have generally learned nothing about themselves and are petrified of change. College is supposed to be fun, and it's supposed to help you grow up. Don't be afraid of going against parental advice and do your own thing.

 

[sarahg]

This is interesting. I do think people don't realize how much their values and desires in life will change in college, especially as they get away from their parents and have a chance to grow into their own people (another reason I personally feel it's best not to live with/near your parents in college). I'm not from a high-pressure culture but I did grow up with high-pressure parents and at 22 and about to graduate from college my values aren't anything like they were when I went into college. Plus, how successful you are will depend more on what you do in college than where you go. An Ivy League name will open some doors, definitely, but being in a less competitive environment can also make it easier for you to get access to research opportunities and leadership positions and internships -- especially if it's a small liberal arts college rather than a big-name state or Ivy university.

Also, the article doesn't mention debt but I do think it's tough for high school students to get a realistic view of how debt will affect their lives later as they generally have no experience paying bills. I tried to go to a school that would require me to take out debt but no one would cosign for me, and now I'm glad about that -- you have so much more freedom without debt than with, I'd seriously reconsider a college choice that required debt unless taking out debt was the only way you could go at all. If you want to volunteer or travel for awhile living on your savings or just wait for the perfect job instead of take the first that comes along, you can do that if you don't have debt, but if you do, it's a lot tougher.

 

[EyEnStein 07]

I know the Ivies wouldn't have been a good fit for me. I did go to a liberal arts school that was private and pretty pricey, but I actually had more scholarship money than I could have ever received at my in-state public school, which reduced my tuition to 1/2 of the state school while providing smaller class sizes, ample research opportunities, that ability to know nearly every student on campus, leadership oppurtunities on campus and in the community, and opportunities for grant funded travel for both academics and social responsibility.

The ivies, even Harvard, can't provide that. It is an entirely different environment. Environment counts. I prefer to attend schools known for 'changing lives' rather than 'big names.' While you haven't likely heard of my undergrad, we have the highest rate of professional and graduate school acceptance in the country, our current undergrad research model is being considered as a framework by congress for other undergrad institutions to bring science and research back to the forefront of American education, and I still know and speak with all of my professors (even some I never took a class with) nearly a decade out of college.

That was my point exactly. Had you been at a place like Harvard, you would not have been happy, therefore not been able to perform to your best potential. However there are other students out there for whom harvard is best fit. But due to other circumstances they face in there lives cannot attend because there are bigger factors and obstacles that stop them.

But just to play devils advocate, how do you figure Harvard cannot provide a student with affordable tuition (note the IVY leagues financial rule, if your family makes less than 60k they expect 0 contribution from you), provide students with ample research, community work, and other opportunities that you mentioned? its all about navigating to the right people and doing researching these opportunities yourself or going to a place at your school that lists these things for you. Im sure the opportunities are there, as they are for most schools, its just a matter of if you can get to it.

Sure it may be easier for students to accomplish these things at a private top LAC, thats exactly why im sure there are students that pick small top LAC's over IVY leagues, but its all dependant on personal preference.

 

[SouthernSurgeon]

I really think this article was more about the individual's personal issues/struggles rather than a commentary on problems intrinsic to Harvard itself.

The message to take away (as others have noted) is that everyone is different, and needs to put some solid reflection into what type of environment is best for them - for some that may be Harvard, for others a small lib-arts college, for others no college at all.

 

[tkim]

I really think this article was more about the individual's personal issues/struggles rather than a commentary on problems intrinsic to Harvard itself.

As I said before ...

 

[sumstorm]

But just to play devils advocate, how do you figure Harvard cannot provide a student with affordable tuition (note the IVY leagues financial rule, if your family makes less than 60k they expect 0 contribution from you), provide students with ample research, community work, and other opportunities that you mentioned? its all about navigating to the right people and doing researching these opportunities yourself or going to a place at your school that lists these things for you. Im sure the opportunities are there, as they are for most schools, its just a matter of if you can get to it.

Sure it may be easier for students to accomplish these things at a private top LAC, thats exactly why im sure there are students that pick small top LAC's over IVY leagues, but its all dependant on personal preference.

When I attended school (I am a non trad, so it has been a while the Ivies didn't exclude familiar contribution unless you were BELOW the poverty line. Also, in my case, it didn't seperate out farm income (that had to go back into the farm) from family income. At the time, my family made less than 30k in actual pre-tax dollars once farm income was reinvested in the farm. I was accepted at several ivies and it would have STILL cost me dearly to go. Actually, I just looked that up, and it started in 2007...meaning that just by starting vet school this year (NCSU CVM 2013), even assuming only 3 years of undergrad, I would not have entered the undergrad system in 2007. I am curious, dues this mean that students whose family income is less than $60k are given total scholarships to cover COA? I have several younger cousins graduating HS in the coming years that may find it relevant.

I have spent plenty of time on several Ivy campuses. I am NOT suggesting they aren't excellent schools or don't produce great students, nor that they aren't an excellent fit for some students. But it is NOT because they are Ivies....that is irrelevant to whether or not the school is a good fit.

There ARE opportunities that none of the ivies can provide. I was awarded one of those; a TJ Watson Fellowship. I could have excelled in every aspect of life at an Ivy, and I still wouldn't have been eligible for what has been the most educational and developmental experience of my life; 1 year abroad conducting international research of personal interest outside of academia.

Also, suggesting that a lib arts school 'lists' things for students implies that there isn't an extensive amount of work done by the professors and the students to bring funding in. I actually chose my school because it is one of the few schools in the country where professors were major advocates of students working extensively outside of school to support themselves. I actually transferred during my sophmore year for that reason...after having a professor at a much more 'prestigious' school inform me that my 'job' was to be a student and that I shouldn't work out side of school...which wasn't at all realistic for me. The other advantages were things I learned as I attended. I am also the first HS graduate in my family, the first college graduate, and will be the first to attend professional school. So these weren't things I would have known going in...I was just fortunate when I was miserable at one school to decide there had to be a better fit rather than dropping out (which a lot of students who have to work FT, and whose families consider college education a waste do.)

 

[EyEnStein 07]

When I attended school (I am a non trad, so it has been a while the Ivies didn't exclude familiar contribution unless you were BELOW the poverty line. Also, in my case, it didn't seperate out farm income (that had to go back into the farm) from family income. At the time, my family made less than 30k in actual pre-tax dollars once farm income was reinvested in the farm. I was accepted at several ivies and it would have STILL cost me dearly to go. Actually, I just looked that up, and it started in 2007...meaning that just by starting vet school this year (NCSU CVM 2013), even assuming only 3 years of undergrad, I would not have entered the undergrad system in 2007. I am curious, dues this mean that students whose family income is less than $60k are given total scholarships to cover COA? I have several younger cousins graduating HS in the coming years that may find it relevant.

I have spent plenty of time on several Ivy campuses. I am NOT suggesting they aren't excellent schools or don't produce great students, nor that they aren't an excellent fit for some students. But it is NOT because they are Ivies....that is irrelevant to whether or not the school is a good fit.

There ARE opportunities that none of the ivies can provide. I was awarded one of those; a TJ Watson Fellowship. I could have excelled in every aspect of life at an Ivy, and I still wouldn't have been eligible for what has been the most educational and developmental experience of my life; 1 year abroad conducting international research of personal interest outside of academia.

Also, suggesting that a lib arts school 'lists' things for students implies that there isn't an extensive amount of work done by the professors and the students to bring funding in. I actually chose my school because it is one of the few schools in the country where professors were major advocates of students working extensively outside of school to support themselves. I actually transferred during my sophmore year for that reason...after having a professor at a much more 'prestigious' school inform me that my 'job' was to be a student and that I shouldn't work out side of school...which wasn't at all realistic for me. The other advantages were things I learned as I attended. I am also the first HS graduate in my family, the first college graduate, and will be the first to attend professional school. So these weren't things I would have known going in...I was just fortunate when I was miserable at one school to decide there had to be a better fit rather than dropping out (which a lot of students who have to work FT, and whose families consider college education a waste do.)

Good example. You found a school that was not as suitable for you and you made the adjustment to a place that was. IM not sure about the specs of the under 60k, but i know that even as you climb up that ladder, your contribution grows in small amounts, so even parents who make 100k can work something out to afford it.

When i was referring to opportunities i ment basic thigns as one of the posters made, such as research, fellowships etc... I understand what you mean about the TJ watson fellowship and how it changed your life, but realize that the scholarship is confined to a small list of what looks mostly to be liberal arts schools but not ALL liberal arts schools (i know i said top LAC's in my post, i was just using that as an example of types of schools, in comparison to Ivies).

I am certain that opportunities SIMILAR can be found with IVY league schools as well. Sure it may not be the exact thing or as prestigious as the award you won, but surely their are others that give someone a similar experience, regarldess of the type of recognition they receive. Hope noone is getting me wrong, i am by no means saying that IVY league schools are the best choice if one gets in, all im saying is that its best to go where someone is comfortable.

Last year when applying to colleges, i had many good schools to choose from, the one that i wanted to go was a top 60 school, where as i got accepted to schools that were top 30. Though i couldnt attend where i wanted to go due to financial reasons (thats a whole different story), right now i am in a place where i am not so comfortable and i am struggling. So the main important thing again, go somewhere you are comfortable, because thats where you will be the happiest. Dont be afraid to call the schools and ask them specific questions about anything and everything.

 

[Darklord]

About half said yes, and other half said that the Chinese, Vietnamese, Iranians and Jews were equally obsessed.

What happened to Indian people. I thought we would be at least equally obsessed, if not more. Aren't we the like the highest educated Asian minority?

Not to start a flamewar or anything, but I believe we should at least be on the list.

No seriously.

As a side note, I remember a family guy episode:

Dad barges into son's room.
Dad (in Asian accent): You doctor yet?
Son (doing homework): No dad I'm still twelve!
Dad: Talk to me when you doctor!
Dad leaves.

Good stuff. I love being Asian.