What are the weirdest/most uncomfortable interactions with patients you've had so far?

[Doctor4Life1769]

Female patient asked me if it was okay that she was naked under the sheets.

Got the RN with me in the room to chaperone.

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[Crayola227]

Jesus. How is it so common for patients to sexually harass doctors?

C'mon, surely you must know. Because us doctors are just so damn sexy and irresistable. Unfortunate hazard of the job I guess, being so desirable. It is a burden. Naw, really, I'm not saying the sexual harrassment's OK or cool, but I won't lie that I appreciate the non-sexual esteem I get from patients. The sexual kind is pretty wiggy. I know I'm dressed appropriately at work when I don't catch any dudes looking at my chest, I dress pretty conservatively because I just do not want to deal with it. It's one thing when I'm at the bank talking to some guy and he starts droning me out starting at my chest, that's annoying, but it's the last thing I want when I'm talking to a patient. Seriously upsets me, I buy a bigger shirt.

Female patient asked me if it was okay that she was naked under the sheets.

Got the RN with me in the room to chaperone.

C'mon Doctor4Life, I would've probably made the same joke to you. (First thought in my head when I read your story). Just a harmless joke, I swear. Maybe she just had a sense of humor as ****ed up as I do?

Some of the old VA guys would tell me I was too pretty to be a doctor or some ****, but anytime it's an old guy hitting on me I just shrug it off, I tell them unfortunately that's not the case, and I tell them they better behave and not "try anything," keep their hands to themselves.

Awkward is being admitted to the same hospital as your program, then being rounded on by your attendings, that happened to my friend.

When I was a a pre-clin years med student I didn't really get how all the attending vs resident training stuff was supposed to happen, so when I had my PAP done at my institution, I made sure it wasn't an attending I knew, but when I showed up to the appt they last min changed they it so it was the attending I had at the time as an instructor. OK, that's cool, we're all adults here, I thought. So not too weird, went ahead with it anyway. What I didn't know was that who was actually going to do the whole appt and thing was the super super hot resident. Still not too weird, I mean, it's not like I hit on him or anything. And I figured I'd never see him again.
Wrong!
What's worse, is that a few years later on, on rotation with him, I knew he seemed familiar but I couldn't place it. I asked if he was going to be a resident evaluating me, and he said he eval'd all the students. Later, randomly I was reviewing my med chart and saw the note from my PAP and realized holy **** it was that resident! They never filled out my eval, and at my institution you can only opt out for some reason or another, so my theory was that they remembered and that was why!! Like if I was a resident and had examined the med student's vag previouly, I probably would figure I should just recuse myself from making any performance comments about them like CYA. So what's weirder than having your PAP done by someone hot and then working with them later, is not even remembering it was them the whole time until later! Plus kinda grappling with the idea that a hot dude had been all up in there and I didn't even remember when I saw him again! (give me a break, it's not like it was a sexual experience, and docs and patients often do not remember one another after brief clinical encounters) Still wigged me out though.

Then, the next time I was due for a pelvic exam, while I was signed up for whoever to do it to be someone I had nothing to do with previously and I was one week from graduating, who do they bring in, but another hot resident I had worked with! Not the same one from before. My boyfriend at the time was in the room. The resident and I figured out how we knew each other (previous rotation) and after that wonderful little walk down memory lane, he offerred to be the exam or find someone else, and after an exchange of knowing looks (meaning it was not just the fact that we were colleague previously), I took him up on the offer to have someone else do it.

So, it's not that weird to me for a doc I know to do my pelvic, or for a doc that I find attractive to do my pelvic, it gets too weird for me when it's a doc I know AND find attractive to do it. Just too much incest happening at some of these medical centers, and too incestual for my blood.

 

[Doctor4Life1769]

No, she was truly naked. She was a good looking girl and my age, so all the more reason to have a chaperone in there. I didn't want anything to be perceived as rape or sexual harassment.

 

[Member 1337]

No, she was truly naked. She was a good looking girl and my age, so all the more reason to have a chaperone in there. I didn't want anything to be perceived as rape or sexual harassment.

You mean, "I was sexually harassed at work."

You wanted to avoid the perception that you were sexually harassing a patient who was sexually harassing you. Irony?

 

[Doctor4Life1769]

You mean, "I was sexually harassed at work."

You wanted to avoid the perception that you were sexually harassing a patient who was sexually harassing you. Irony?

In the end, my job would be on the line faster than a speeding bullet.

 

[Crayola227]

In the end, my job would be on the line faster than a speeding bullet.

Ah, I think I assumed that this lady was there for a woman's annual, in which case, yeah, it totally makes sense to be naked (you're supposed to be in a gown, but it's just idiotic window dressing) under the sheets.

I'm a chick, and I always insist on a chaperone for anything genital related, man or woman. Usually my insisting matches up with institutional policy, sometimes it doesn't and I'm the oddball, but you never know.

There's a number of clinical situations that have forced me to my knees to examine some old dude's junk area for a mystery rash or something, and it always wigs me out. Not that I'm doing that, I have no problem with that, but I'm always thinking, "I'm a f*ing doctor dude, and yeah, as I see it, it's not glamorous, I'm proud to get in trenches and I'll wade elbow deep in your hemmorrhoid or what have you, and I have no problem getting on my knees to take care of business, but if this is just some bull**** ploy to get me on my knees for some weird pervert reason, I'm going to be really pissed." This has come up for me because a few times I really didn't know if they were for real, it's always like the demented pervert guy who's grabbing at the nurses and now has a rash on his bum-bum no one can really get a good look at, but I'm the doc, so if anyone has to try to lay eyes on it, it's me. So with the above in my head, I do actually say, "So I hear you have a ____ on your ____. I'm going to need to take a look." Then I get into position, which is usually something ridiculous. "Now, I have no problems taking a look and making sure you're OK, I want to help you with this, but, you're serious, right? You're not just playing a joke on me, are you? Because if you are, I'm going to be really upset with you. I'm trusting you." I still don't know if they're ****ing with me until I look, and so far it's all been real. But I'm giving them a chance to reconsider if they're ****ing with me. His fake sx either need to be believable on negative physical exam, or the rash he told me was there better be there.

But seriously, the day it's just because some old ****er wanted to get me down on my knees touching his junk, I'm going to walk out and fire that patient.

 

[turkeyjerky]

Ah, I think I assumed that this lady was there for a woman's annual, in which case, yeah, it totally makes sense to be naked (you're supposed to be in a gown, but it's just idiotic window dressing) under the sheets.

I'm a chick, and I always insist on a chaperone for anything genital related, man or woman. Usually my insisting matches up with institutional policy, sometimes it doesn't and I'm the oddball, but you never know.

There's a number of clinical situations that have forced me to my knees to examine some old dude's junk area for a mystery rash or something, and it always wigs me out. Not that I'm doing that, I have no problem with that, but I'm always thinking, "I'm a f*ing doctor dude, and yeah, as I see it, it's not glamorous, I'm proud to get in trenches and I'll wade elbow deep in your hemmorrhoid or what have you, and I have no problem getting on my knees to take care of business, but if this is just some bull**** ploy to get me on my knees for some weird pervert reason, I'm going to be really pissed." This has come up for me because a few times I really didn't know if they were for real, it's always like the demented pervert guy who's grabbing at the nurses and now has a rash on his bum-bum no one can really get a good look at, but I'm the doc, so if anyone has to try to lay eyes on it, it's me. So with the above in my head, I do actually say, "So I hear you have a ____ on your ____. I'm going to need to take a look." Then I get into position, which is usually something ridiculous. "Now, I have no problems taking a look and making sure you're OK, I want to help you with this, but, you're serious, right? You're not just playing a joke on me, are you? Because if you are, I'm going to be really upset with you. I'm trusting you." I still don't know if they're ****ing with me until I look, and so far it's all been real. But I'm giving them a chance to reconsider if they're ****ing with me. His fake sx either need to be believable on negative physical exam, or the rash he told me was there better be there.

But seriously, the day it's just because some old ****er wanted to get me down on my knees touching his junk, I'm going to walk out and fire that patient.

In this situation I like to have the patient get in stirrups.

 

[Crayola227]

In this situation I like to have the patient get in stirrups.

I would too, problem is if you're on the wards inpt, those beds don't usually have stirrups. The combination of debility and giant patient body habitus means I'm lucky if we can sit them up to the edge of the bed and try to tip them to see their butt or if the 3 nurse team earlier put them in the bedside chair, that's how you end up in an awkward position your knees trying to look under someone's scrotum. Having them lie in bed frog legged still doesn't give you the angle you need, and the last thing I want to do is climb onto that bed unless they're dead and I'm doing compressions.

Believe me, if there were a more graceful way to position them, I would. My least favorite thing about wards is just trying to move people around to examine them. Christ.

I appreciate the suggestion though.

 

[Doctor4Life1769]

Ah, I think I assumed that this lady was there for a woman's annual, in which case, yeah, it totally makes sense to be naked (you're supposed to be in a gown, but it's just idiotic window dressing) under the sheets.

I'm a chick, and I always insist on a chaperone for anything genital related, man or woman. Usually my insisting matches up with institutional policy, sometimes it doesn't and I'm the oddball, but you never know.

There's a number of clinical situations that have forced me to my knees to examine some old dude's junk area for a mystery rash or something, and it always wigs me out. Not that I'm doing that, I have no problem with that, but I'm always thinking, "I'm a f*ing doctor dude, and yeah, as I see it, it's not glamorous, I'm proud to get in trenches and I'll wade elbow deep in your hemmorrhoid or what have you, and I have no problem getting on my knees to take care of business, but if this is just some bull**** ploy to get me on my knees for some weird pervert reason, I'm going to be really pissed." This has come up for me because a few times I really didn't know if they were for real, it's always like the demented pervert guy who's grabbing at the nurses and now has a rash on his bum-bum no one can really get a good look at, but I'm the doc, so if anyone has to try to lay eyes on it, it's me. So with the above in my head, I do actually say, "So I hear you have a ____ on your ____. I'm going to need to take a look." Then I get into position, which is usually something ridiculous. "Now, I have no problems taking a look and making sure you're OK, I want to help you with this, but, you're serious, right? You're not just playing a joke on me, are you? Because if you are, I'm going to be really upset with you. I'm trusting you." I still don't know if they're ****ing with me until I look, and so far it's all been real. But I'm giving them a chance to reconsider if they're ****ing with me. His fake sx either need to be believable on negative physical exam, or the rash he told me was there better be there.

But seriously, the day it's just because some old ****er wanted to get me down on my knees touching his junk, I'm going to walk out and fire that patient.

This was a patient in the hospital. Routine exam in the AM to see how she was.
I don't do vaginal exams, I get the intern to do them. If they can't then I do them. There better be a goddamn good reason they can't.

 

[dpmd]

This was a patient in the hospital. Routine exam in the AM to see how she was.
I don't do vaginal exams, I get the intern to do them. If they can't then I do them. There better be a goddamn good reason they can't.

This reminds me of a med student that took the saying "the only reason not to do a rectal exam is if they don't have a rectum or you don't have a finger" a little too far and was doing rectals (with guiaic testing) every morning on pre-rounds until the resident found out.

 

[Crayola227]

This was a patient in the hospital. Routine exam in the AM to see how she was.
I don't do vaginal exams, I get the intern to do them. If they can't then I do them. There better be a goddamn good reason they can't.

Ah, well, yeah. Usually the female patients that are stark are old and demented, so they have good excuse. Crapping on the gowns, spilling food, too demented/fat/debilitated to get them on and keep them on. On wards there's like a certain point of age, body habitus, and AMS where privacy, dignity, decency, caught in flagrante elimination-o or nudity even blip my radar. I guess until I have to get on my knees to look at some guy's scrotum. The IM wards are like Bedlam for the elderly, man, it's total **** show.

Your posts tell great stories in 2 lines or less, I just didn't put it together.

Clearly not, because, 1) I ramble and 2) my general experience with nudity on the wards:
(I don't even know if I would have the wherewithal to pick up on what you did with that patient given my experiences)

Some med student put above "Patient pulled out urinal and started using it in front of me, I asked him if he wanted privacy, he said no."

I'm like "****, that happens at least 3 times every day on rounds. I don't even notice unless there's blood in the urine or I'm tracking I/Os close. The old farts don't care and neither do I. If they did, they wouldn't just whip it out and then set their urinal full of urine right next to the orange juice on their breakfast plate. If I waited until every patient was done eliminating to get a hx and PE in the AM, rounds would take at least another hour. I can't tell you how many times I've gone to all 10 rooms, seen 9 patients, looped back around an hour later to see the one that was on the commode, only to find they're still on the commode. At that point, it's time to **** and talk at the same time. What the hell, these people are on borrowed time already, time to multitask. I'm doing them a favor, if we get rounds and ****ting done simultaneously, they'll have more time to snooze undisturbed in their chair. What's funnier is when the nurse encourages me to talk to the patient while they're ****ting, because they need all the help they can get keeping the patient awake enough on the commode to hurry up and **** and get off the pot. Rarely, the patient will insist on not having a consult with their doc while they are pooping. Best and only justifiable reason to tell the attending in the AM that you didn't see patient yet: "I went to their room 3 times over the course of 90 minutes, and every time they were on the commode, and they insisted I leave and come back. I went back and waited another 20 min, and they still weren't off the pot." Even better, than when you walk over with the attending and the patient is STILL on the ****ter, and wants you to come back. Attending: "You weren't kidding." Hilarious.

 

[Doctor4Life1769]

This reminds me of a med student that took the saying "the only reason not to do a rectal exam is if they don't have a rectum or you don't have a finger" a little too far and was doing rectals (with guiaic testing) every morning on pre-rounds until the resident found out.

That's wonderful.

Genital/rectal checks only when indicated.

TBH, a surgeon told me that same shpeel as an M3, so blame your colleagues for not clarifying ... I found ways to avoid it as a med student, but I tend to do it now when my interns fail to do so.

 

[Crayola227]

This reminds me of a med student that took the saying "the only reason not to do a rectal exam is if they don't have a rectum or you don't have a finger" a little too far and was doing rectals (with guiaic testing) every morning on pre-rounds until the resident found out.

Ah man, one of my first 3rd yr clerkship was in this small town ED, and it was GREAT. First time I got to have a "doctor-ly" job, and it was something like that. The guy running the place was like, "Every patient that is here complaining of pooping blood, diarrhea, constipation, or any other butt-thing, I want you to do a DRE."
"What's a DRE?"
"Digital rectal exam."
"Oh, right. Wait, ALL of them?"
"Yes."

Of course, this made sense, given it was the ED. It was genius, because aside from my education, it was a small town, so he was essentially educating the locals what would happen if they came to the ED with bum-bum problems. You will get a finger in your ass. If your bowel movements aren't emergent or concerning enough for you to want a finger in your ass, it probably doesn't need to come to the ED.

People forget to do DREs on the wards for some reason. "The patient is complaining of ass pain. Should we consult GI?" "You better not call GI until you've done a DRE. I guarantee they'll ask what you found."

 

[Oh_Gee]

I was seeing a young teenage patient for behavior issues as I resident. When I got up to leave, she got up, pinned me against the door frame, and grinded her pelvis against me until her mom yelled and pulled her off of me. I was so incredibly uncomfortable and embarrassed.

Come to think of it, I experienced the most sexual harassment from patients (both male and female) for a male in my residency. I think its my quiet demeanor, as I am not that good looking.

plot twist: Styphon looks like Ryan Gosling

 

[Noomm]

When i was a med student, many a year ago, I was on a fairly busy trauma service. We had essentially one night over 2 months where nothing significant came in, which was a miracle. Then about 3:30am the Chief Resident comes pounding on the door, obviously irritated. He says "High Priest..." (Well, he didn't call me that, but you get it) "You ever done an anoscopy??"
Of course, the socially acceptable answer is no.
"Well, you're going to do one tonight, get your $#!T"

So it turns out that a few hours prior, a repeat offender had come to the ER. She was a morbidly (375lbs) obese lady with significant medical problems (psyche and otherwise). She was well known for shoving things in her bum and then coming to the hospital to get them removed (Universal remote, a handful of silverware, what-have-you). This time she had put a fluorescent light bulb in her bum, and it had broken. So we had to check her out. The Chief was angry because of the hour, the break in a nearly perfect night, and due to the fact that he had removed the silverware and the remote on previous nights past.

So we go to the OR, we scope her. There's nothing to be found. She gets admitted. By the time we're out, it's time to round on our 20-something patient trauma service. We get to her room last. The chief says "High Priest, you come with me, you were in the OR. The rest of you wait here." He's obviously still a bit angry. We walk into the room, she's having breakfast and smiling until he opens with:

"Why'd you put glass in your @$$?"
She's staring, slack jawed.
"You know, in any other country in the world, if you put glass in your @$$ they would think "Well, you must have wanted it there," and they'd let you keep it. Only in America do we repeatedly take care of you so that you can stick more stuff up your @$$ and keep coming back. (He was born outside of the US). The next time you get the urge to stick something up your @$$, stick it in your vagina instead. You'll do less damage that way."

Then he heel spins, walks out, makes the "washing my hands" motion and says "Now she's OB/GYNs problem."

2 hours later she had stuck sharpened pencils in her vagina, and we transferred her to the GYN service.

Sounds like she needs a psychiatrist more than anything.

 

[psych md jd]

Sounds like she needs a psychiatrist more than anything.

"Does not meet hold criteria. TY for this consult."

 

[Kittenmommy]

"Does not meet hold criteria. TY for this consult."

Really?? Butbutbut...

 

[zero0]

 

[LazerMD]

I went to a med school in my hometown. During my MS3 IM rotation, my uncle was admitted to surgery in that same hospital. So, being the dutiful and concerned nephew that I am, I stopped in to his room to check on him during the few minutes downtime I had. While I'm in his room, a surgery resident comes in and begins a post- op check. When I try to politely excuse myself, he goes "why don't you stay, I could use a second pair of hands". OK, no big deal so far. Then he decides to put in a foley, and asks if I had any experience doing that yet. I'm like, "not really..." He goes, "well now's a perfect time to learn!".... I'm like "uh, this is my uncle" - but he basically ignored that comment. I knew I was going to be doing surgery at that hospital a few months later and it was very likely that I would end up working with that resident, so I was very hesitant to refuse. So there I was holding my uncle's penis struggling to get a foley into his oddly shaped meatus (botched circumcision?) while he's screaming bloody murder.
Talk about awkward family gatherings...

 

[ThoracicGuy]

I went to a med school in my hometown. During my MS3 IM rotation, my uncle was admitted to surgery in that same hospital. So, being the dutiful and concerned nephew that I am, I stopped in to his room to check on him during the few minutes downtime I had. While I'm in his room, a surgery resident comes in and begins a post- op check. When I try to politely excuse myself, he goes "why don't you stay, I could use a second pair of hands". OK, no big deal so far. Then he decides to put in a foley, and asks if I had any experience doing that yet. I'm like, "not really..." He goes, "well now's a perfect time to learn!".... I'm like "uh, this is my uncle" - but he basically ignored that comment. I knew I was going to be doing surgery at that hospital a few months later and it was very likely that I would end up working with that resident, so I was very hesitant to refuse. So there I was holding my uncle's penis struggling to get a foley into his oddly shaped meatus (botched circumcision?) while he's screaming bloody murder.
Talk about awkward family gatherings...

 

[Kittenmommy]

Would you mind if I were to steal that?

 

[NeedToStudy]

I went to a med school in my hometown. During my MS3 IM rotation, my uncle was admitted to surgery in that same hospital. So, being the dutiful and concerned nephew that I am, I stopped in to his room to check on him during the few minutes downtime I had. While I'm in his room, a surgery resident comes in and begins a post- op check. When I try to politely excuse myself, he goes "why don't you stay, I could use a second pair of hands". OK, no big deal so far. Then he decides to put in a foley, and asks if I had any experience doing that yet. I'm like, "not really..." He goes, "well now's a perfect time to learn!".... I'm like "uh, this is my uncle" - but he basically ignored that comment. I knew I was going to be doing surgery at that hospital a few months later and it was very likely that I would end up working with that resident, so I was very hesitant to refuse. So there I was holding my uncle's penis struggling to get a foley into his oddly shaped meatus (botched circumcision?) while he's screaming bloody murder.
Talk about awkward family gatherings...

 

[ThoracicGuy]

Would you mind if I were to steal that? .

I found it on the internets, so feel free.

 

[Kittenmommy]

.
I found it on the internets, so feel free.

Thank you!

 

[slowthai]

There's nothing that'll beat that pediatrician one....
I've a pretty reasonable second, but I can't tell it yet....

Can you tell it now? Sorry for the necrobump, lol.

 

[HighPriest]

Can you tell it now? Sorry for the necrobump, lol.

As me again after 1 July.

 

[mppcc]

I once had a patient tell me that if we were on the street he would shoot me and take my shoes. I think it was meant as a compliment.

 

[LucidSplash]

A patient once told me I was the most gorgeous doctor he'd ever known and said he wanted to take me dinner at the best restaurant in town.

But I was also in the process of writing to restart his home dose of narcotics (lots and lots of mg) so his motivation was suspect.

 

[Keona]

VA rotation as a student. Needed to palpate femoral pulses. Patient "I'll unbutton my pants if you'll unbutton your shirt". Resident shut him down some way that I don't remember now but it was an extremely awkward situation.

 

[mvenus929]

Not a patient, but a parent. Brought baby in for like the 2 month well visit. Mom was busy on the phone, so left, leaving me with dad. As I'm examining the baby, he makes comments about how large his son's d*** is, emphasizing to me that he is not with the mom, asking if I'm single, then asking me out. I politely say no, but he keeps asking.

I ended up leaving the room, presenting to my attending, who told me to put in orders but not go back into the room. My attending reams the father out in the hallway and fires him from the practice.

 

[liquidsodium]

I once had a patient tell me that if we were on the street he would shoot me and take my shoes. I think it was meant as a compliment.

On a very similar thread- I had a pt's wife tell me she wanted to "shoot me and take my skin"


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[epsilonprodigy]

This is one between colleagues, although it's awkward/hilarious enough to mandate sharing despite not meeting thread criteria!

As an intern, a friend of mine attended a conference with her attending to present some research they had done. The night before the presentation, she was supposed to meet with him to go over last minute details. A PGY-2 from their program had attended as well. It was long suspected, but not confirmed, that this 2 and attending were hooking up.

So, my friend was told to stop by the guy's room in a half hour. Or so she thought. She gets to the hotel room and sees the door is ajar. She knocks, and to this day, swears that she she heard "come in." Now she very well might have, but, let's just say it wasn't directed at her. With the bathroom door wide open, there are the attending and PGY-2, going at it in the shower behind one of those flimsy translucent hotel shower curtains.

The resident realizes they're busted, but the attending freaks out, jumps out of the shower with a towel on, and blurts "oh, uh, we were just going over some data." Somehow there were 2 different doors into the room, and the pgy-2 later confided that the door was left ajar for HER. Due to a texting error, he didn't expect ny friend for an hour, not a half.

The couple later got married. All 3 are now attendings and still laugh about it. When she got pregnant, everyone joked about "all the data they must have had to go over." Luckily they had all been in good terms to begin with, or that could have been a serious clusterf*ck.

Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

 

[smq123]

A patient once told me I was the most gorgeous doctor he'd ever known and said he wanted to take me dinner at the best restaurant in town.

But I was also in the process of writing to restart his home dose of narcotics (lots and lots of mg) so his motivation was suspect.

Haha, that happened to a friend of mine. Pt. was trying to convince her to write narcotics for him; told her that she was the "most beautiful doctor I've ever had."

That particular patient was legally blind.

On a very similar thread- I had a pt's wife tell me she wanted to "shoot me and take my skin"

I had a coworker tell me that she liked my ring, and that "I should watch my back in the parking lot" because she was tempted to steal it.

Ummm...thanks?

 

[DrSnips]

Alright, so this was during intern year. I'm on my ED month and working a night shift. All the other residents on for that night are EM. In comes a 450 lb spanish speaking woman c/o fever and lower abdominal pain. Clearly a pelvic exam is needed. The residents (unsurprisingly) vote that I should be the one to see this patient. I grab the translator phone and the nurse drops off the pelvic exam materials. Now I'm not a master of the pelvic exam by any stretch, but this was ridiculous. I was pushing aside so many different pieces of pannus that I didn't have enough hands to keep them all from falling back into place. Eventually, by using my elbows and clever positioning of the stool I was on, I was able to find an appropriate place to insert the speculum. After the speculum is in I start to open it, and immediately there is a heavy flow of purulent material onto the floor. When I say heavy flow, I mean it was like Satan's oatmeal. The smell was immediately overwhelming and easily ranks as the worst thing I have smelled in medicine (this includes comparison with the smell of a burned body and with florid gas gangrene from a bloater pulled from the river). My visceral response was to get the hell out of the room before the contents of my stomach could find their way to daylight. I immediately dropped the speculum and bolt out of the room without explaining anything to the patient. It did occur to me in the course of my mad sprint out that I had absolutely no clue where the ER bathrooms were. No time to ask. I did however know where some of the red biohazard trash bins were and I figured this qualified. After mentally preparing for my return to the room, I found the translator phone was still connected and the patient wanted to know why I ran out. "You're being admitted, I had to let them know urgently," I replied.

 

[trojanman217]

Alright, so this was during intern year. I'm on my ED month and working a night shift. All the other residents on for that night are EM. In comes a 450 lb spanish speaking woman c/o fever and lower abdominal pain. Clearly a pelvic exam is needed. The residents (unsurprisingly) vote that I should be the one to see this patient. I grab the translator phone and the nurse drops off the pelvic exam materials. Now I'm not a master of the pelvic exam by any stretch, but this was ridiculous. I was pushing aside so many different pieces of pannus that I didn't have enough hands to keep them all from falling back into place. Eventually, by using my elbows and clever positioning of the stool I was on, I was able to find an appropriate place to insert the speculum. After the speculum is in I start to open it, and immediately there is a heavy flow of purulent material onto the floor. When I say heavy flow, I mean it was like Satan's oatmeal. The smell was immediately overwhelming and easily ranks as the worst thing I have smelled in medicine (this includes comparison with the smell of a burned body and with florid gas gangrene from a bloater pulled from the river). My visceral response was to get the hell out of the room before the contents of my stomach could find their way to daylight. I immediately dropped the speculum and bolt out of the room without explaining anything to the patient. It did occur to me in the course of my mad sprint out that I had absolutely no clue where the ER bathrooms were. No time to ask. I did however know where some of the red biohazard trash bins were and I figured this qualified. After mentally preparing for my return to the room, I found the translator phone was still connected and the patient wanted to know why I ran out. "You're being admitted, I had to let them know urgently," I replied.

I absolutely lost it here

 

[AshNiffler]

This is from my first rotation, we were the consulting family Med team in a psych hospital ( I know I should have been prepared for anything) I was getting a history from this very docile looking 7 year old girl and I asked if she had had sex before because it was one of the questions on the h&p form I had to fill out. She said yes. I asked her who with and she said boys from school and her cousins. I looked up the contact info on her chart and called her mom...

Me: Good morning ma'am I'm calling from Hospital X about your daughter Y-"
Patient's mother: "You mustn't leave her alone with any of the other children or let her go to the bathroom alone she's a chronic masturbator and very good at it she can orgasm very quick-"
Me:"....she said she's had sex before, do yo-"
Patient's mother: "You have to get her to tell the truth sometimes, you have to be firm. Did you explain to her what sex is? She forces her little sisters (ages 2 and 3) to masturbate with her and she gives them oral sex become she says she wants them to enjoy it with her, she puts her finger inside them and you know they're so little so it hurts I used to hear them crying at night..."

Needless to say, I needed a moment. I also had 2 male patients put their hands down their pants and ask me for a blowjob whilst stroking themselves.

~Tales from the psych ward

 

[epsilonprodigy]

That is absolutely horrible! What had happened to that kid?!


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

 

[AshNiffler]

That is absolutely horrible! What had happened to that kid?!


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

I took her h&p and moved on to the next patient.

 

[MediCane2006]

This is from my first rotation, we were the consulting family Med team in a psych hospital ( I know I should have been prepared for anything) I was getting a history from this very docile looking 7 year old girl and I asked if she had had sex before because it was one of the questions on the h&p form I had to fill out. She said yes. I asked her who with and she said boys from school and her cousins. I looked up the contact info on her chart and called her mom...

Me: Good morning ma'am I'm calling from Hospital X about your daughter Y-"
Patient's mother: "You mustn't leave her alone with any of the other children or let her go to the bathroom alone she's a chronic masturbator and very good at it she can orgasm very quick-"
Me:"....she said she's had sex before, do yo-"
Patient's mother: "You have to get her to tell the truth sometimes, you have to be firm. Did you explain to her what sex is? She forces her little sisters (ages 2 and 3) to masturbate with her and she gives them oral sex become she says she wants them to enjoy it with her, she puts her finger inside them and you know they're so little so it hurts I used to hear them crying at night..."

Needless to say, I needed a moment. I also had 2 male patients put their hands down their pants and ask me for a blowjob whilst stroking themselves.

~Tales from the psych ward

You asked a 7 year old if she was having sex?

 

[AshNiffler]

You asked a 7 year old if she was having sex?

My attending asked us to. Again, it was a psychiatric hospital.

 

[hamstergang]

My attending asked us to. Again, it was a psychiatric hospital.

Being a psych hospital doesn't justify the question. And 7 year olds don't know what sex is -- even if they said they had sex I'd have to ask them what they think that means.

You could ask a 7 year old about abuse, and probably should no matter what sort of hospital you are in.

 

[AshNiffler]

Being a psych hospital doesn't justify the question. And 7 year olds don't know what sex is -- even if they said they had sex I'd have to ask them what they think that means.

You could ask a 7 year old about abuse, and probably should no matter what sort of hospital you are in.

Well as a third year medical student I'm in no position to question what an attending says. He wanted us to ask. I asked. And yes, I agree with you, and this was brought up to the attending because it made the rest of us uncomfortable.

 

[SLC]

As me again after 1 July.

Well.....it's the 5th now

 

[HighPriest]

Well.....it's the 5th now

Yeah.

So when I was a resident at a federal facility, there was a real hard @$$ colorectal surgeon. Pretty classical guy with regards to being a dick in the OR, super competitive. The kind of guy you want things to go wrong for, but at the same time he's a good surgeon, so you'd feel bad if they did.
And this federal facility - run by idiots, like most of them are.
So one day he comes to work, dark and early, and his office is locked as usual, only his key doesn't work. So he gets the master key from his manager, and that doesn't work. And he's gotta round and be in the OR, so he's getting hot.
So he goes to security to let them know they're all @$$holes, and that they need to let him in to his office immediately. But they tell him they can't.
So he asks why, and they tell him that they can't tell him why. He's gotta wait for the head of security to get in. So, of course, now he's right pissed, but there's nothing he can do. So he waits.
The head of security shows up and tells him that his computer, all his files, and his laptop have been confiscated pending an investigation.
An investigation of what?!
They can't say. But he can't be around patients until the investigation is over.

Now this guy, he's an @$$hole, but a pervert he is not. Beyond the fact that he wanted to have a career as a professional butthole surgeon.

So he goes to IT, who is busy taking apart his computers and transferring information to CID (military police/JAG). But they also won't tell him what it is they're looking for, because it's an ongoing investigation, and he might want to talk to JAG.

So he does, but JAG won't talk to him, other than to let him know that they'll contact him when they're ready to make a decision.


So now he's sweating. What could it be? Is he going to jail? Dies he need a lawyer? Is someone setting him up?

He works his way into the command suite where finally he gets someone to listen to him. All these surgeries he'll have to cancel, the clinics, the resident education, and he swears there's nothing bad on those devices.

So he goes back to JAG with the brass to find out if maybe they can clear this all up.

And JAG tells them the IT guys were scrubbing last night, and they came across some very questionable materials - illicit materials, in fact, on his machine. Real bad stuff. Definitely against hospital policy, and sad to see that a surgeon might be doing these kinds of things...

What kinds of things?

Saving pictures of @$$holes on his laptop. Tons of them.

Because he was giving presentations about diseases of the @$$. Because he was a colorectal surgeon. These were all linked to PPT slides, but he had made a folder of pictures of diseased anuses, and the IT guys had found it. And reported him as some kind of lowlife pervert.

 

[Smurfette]

Yeah.

So when I was a resident at a federal facility, there was a real hard @$$ colorectal surgeon. Pretty classical guy with regards to being a dick in the OR, super competitive. The kind of guy you want things to go wrong for, but at the same time he's a good surgeon, so you'd feel bad if they did.
And this federal facility - run by idiots, like most of them are.
So one day he comes to work, dark and early, and his office is locked as usual, only his key doesn't work. So he gets the master key from his manager, and that doesn't work. And he's gotta round and be in the OR, so he's getting hot.
So he goes to security to let them know they're all @$$holes, and that they need to let him in to his office immediately. But they tell him they can't.
So he asks why, and they tell him that they can't tell him why. He's gotta wait for the head of security to get in. So, of course, now he's right pissed, but there's nothing he can do. So he waits.
The head of security shows up and tells him that his computer, all his files, and his laptop have been confiscated pending an investigation.
An investigation of what?!
They can't say. But he can't be around patients until the investigation is over.

Now this guy, he's an @$$hole, but a pervert he is not. Beyond the fact that he wanted to have a career as a professional butthole surgeon.

So he goes to IT, who is busy taking apart his computers and transferring information to CID (military police/JAG). But they also won't tell him what it is they're looking for, because it's an ongoing investigation, and he might want to talk to JAG.

So he does, but JAG won't talk to him, other than to let him know that they'll contact him when they're ready to make a decision.


So now he's sweating. What could it be? Is he going to jail? Dies he need a lawyer? Is someone setting him up?

He works his way into the command suite where finally he gets someone to listen to him. All these surgeries he'll have to cancel, the clinics, the resident education, and he swears there's nothing bad on those devices.

So he goes back to JAG with the brass to find out if maybe they can clear this all up.

And JAG tells them the IT guys were scrubbing last night, and they came across some very questionable materials - illicit materials, in fact, on his machine. Real bad stuff. Definitely against hospital policy, and sad to see that a surgeon might be doing these kinds of things...

What kinds of things?

Saving pictures of @$$holes on his laptop. Tons of them.

Because he was giving presentations about diseases of the @$$. Because he was a colorectal surgeon. These were all linked to PPT slides, but he had made a folder of pictures of diseased anuses, and the IT guys had found it. And reported him as some kind of lowlife pervert.

One of the pediatric surgeons in my residency program got investigated for child porn for having images of children with various pathology in her possession. She was cleared as it was academic and not sexual but understandably found the interrogation very unsettling.

 

[HighPriest]

One of the pediatric surgeons in my residency program got investigated for child porn for having images of children with various pathology in her possession. She was cleared as it was academic and not sexual but understandably found the interrogation very unsettling.

Of course she did. Because that's ignit.

 

[SLC]

Yeah.

So when I was a resident at a federal facility, there was a real hard @$$ colorectal surgeon. Pretty classical guy with regards to being a dick in the OR, super competitive. The kind of guy you want things to go wrong for, but at the same time he's a good surgeon, so you'd feel bad if they did.
And this federal facility - run by idiots, like most of them are.
So one day he comes to work, dark and early, and his office is locked as usual, only his key doesn't work. So he gets the master key from his manager, and that doesn't work. And he's gotta round and be in the OR, so he's getting hot.
So he goes to security to let them know they're all @$$holes, and that they need to let him in to his office immediately. But they tell him they can't.
So he asks why, and they tell him that they can't tell him why. He's gotta wait for the head of security to get in. So, of course, now he's right pissed, but there's nothing he can do. So he waits.
The head of security shows up and tells him that his computer, all his files, and his laptop have been confiscated pending an investigation.
An investigation of what?!
They can't say. But he can't be around patients until the investigation is over.

Now this guy, he's an @$$hole, but a pervert he is not. Beyond the fact that he wanted to have a career as a professional butthole surgeon.

So he goes to IT, who is busy taking apart his computers and transferring information to CID (military police/JAG). But they also won't tell him what it is they're looking for, because it's an ongoing investigation, and he might want to talk to JAG.

So he does, but JAG won't talk to him, other than to let him know that they'll contact him when they're ready to make a decision.


So now he's sweating. What could it be? Is he going to jail? Dies he need a lawyer? Is someone setting him up?

He works his way into the command suite where finally he gets someone to listen to him. All these surgeries he'll have to cancel, the clinics, the resident education, and he swears there's nothing bad on those devices.

So he goes back to JAG with the brass to find out if maybe they can clear this all up.

And JAG tells them the IT guys were scrubbing last night, and they came across some very questionable materials - illicit materials, in fact, on his machine. Real bad stuff. Definitely against hospital policy, and sad to see that a surgeon might be doing these kinds of things...

What kinds of things?

Saving pictures of @$$holes on his laptop. Tons of them.

Because he was giving presentations about diseases of the @$$. Because he was a colorectal surgeon. These were all linked to PPT slides, but he had made a folder of pictures of diseased anuses, and the IT guys had found it. And reported him as some kind of lowlife pervert.

Great story, and man those IT people must've been complete *****s?

 

[HighPriest]

Great story, and man those IT people must've been complete *****s?

Safe to say

 

[ThoracicGuy]

Yeah.

So when I was a resident at a federal facility, there was a real hard @$$ colorectal surgeon. Pretty classical guy with regards to being a dick in the OR, super competitive. The kind of guy you want things to go wrong for, but at the same time he's a good surgeon, so you'd feel bad if they did.
And this federal facility - run by idiots, like most of them are.
So one day he comes to work, dark and early, and his office is locked as usual, only his key doesn't work. So he gets the master key from his manager, and that doesn't work. And he's gotta round and be in the OR, so he's getting hot.
So he goes to security to let them know they're all @$$holes, and that they need to let him in to his office immediately. But they tell him they can't.
So he asks why, and they tell him that they can't tell him why. He's gotta wait for the head of security to get in. So, of course, now he's right pissed, but there's nothing he can do. So he waits.
The head of security shows up and tells him that his computer, all his files, and his laptop have been confiscated pending an investigation.
An investigation of what?!
They can't say. But he can't be around patients until the investigation is over.

Now this guy, he's an @$$hole, but a pervert he is not. Beyond the fact that he wanted to have a career as a professional butthole surgeon.

So he goes to IT, who is busy taking apart his computers and transferring information to CID (military police/JAG). But they also won't tell him what it is they're looking for, because it's an ongoing investigation, and he might want to talk to JAG.

So he does, but JAG won't talk to him, other than to let him know that they'll contact him when they're ready to make a decision.


So now he's sweating. What could it be? Is he going to jail? Dies he need a lawyer? Is someone setting him up?

He works his way into the command suite where finally he gets someone to listen to him. All these surgeries he'll have to cancel, the clinics, the resident education, and he swears there's nothing bad on those devices.

So he goes back to JAG with the brass to find out if maybe they can clear this all up.

And JAG tells them the IT guys were scrubbing last night, and they came across some very questionable materials - illicit materials, in fact, on his machine. Real bad stuff. Definitely against hospital policy, and sad to see that a surgeon might be doing these kinds of things...

What kinds of things?

Saving pictures of @$$holes on his laptop. Tons of them.

Because he was giving presentations about diseases of the @$$. Because he was a colorectal surgeon. These were all linked to PPT slides, but he had made a folder of pictures of diseased anuses, and the IT guys had found it. And reported him as some kind of lowlife pervert.

 

[857937]

Yeah.

So when I was a resident at a federal facility, there was a real hard @$$ colorectal surgeon. Pretty classical guy with regards to being a dick in the OR, super competitive. The kind of guy you want things to go wrong for, but at the same time he's a good surgeon, so you'd feel bad if they did.
And this federal facility - run by idiots, like most of them are.
So one day he comes to work, dark and early, and his office is locked as usual, only his key doesn't work. So he gets the master key from his manager, and that doesn't work. And he's gotta round and be in the OR, so he's getting hot.
So he goes to security to let them know they're all @$$holes, and that they need to let him in to his office immediately. But they tell him they can't.
So he asks why, and they tell him that they can't tell him why. He's gotta wait for the head of security to get in. So, of course, now he's right pissed, but there's nothing he can do. So he waits.
The head of security shows up and tells him that his computer, all his files, and his laptop have been confiscated pending an investigation.
An investigation of what?!
They can't say. But he can't be around patients until the investigation is over.

Now this guy, he's an @$$hole, but a pervert he is not. Beyond the fact that he wanted to have a career as a professional butthole surgeon.

So he goes to IT, who is busy taking apart his computers and transferring information to CID (military police/JAG). But they also won't tell him what it is they're looking for, because it's an ongoing investigation, and he might want to talk to JAG.

So he does, but JAG won't talk to him, other than to let him know that they'll contact him when they're ready to make a decision.


So now he's sweating. What could it be? Is he going to jail? Dies he need a lawyer? Is someone setting him up?

He works his way into the command suite where finally he gets someone to listen to him. All these surgeries he'll have to cancel, the clinics, the resident education, and he swears there's nothing bad on those devices.

So he goes back to JAG with the brass to find out if maybe they can clear this all up.

And JAG tells them the IT guys were scrubbing last night, and they came across some very questionable materials - illicit materials, in fact, on his machine. Real bad stuff. Definitely against hospital policy, and sad to see that a surgeon might be doing these kinds of things...

What kinds of things?

Saving pictures of @$$holes on his laptop. Tons of them.

Because he was giving presentations about diseases of the @$$. Because he was a colorectal surgeon. These were all linked to PPT slides, but he had made a folder of pictures of diseased anuses, and the IT guys had found it. And reported him as some kind of lowlife pervert.

wat