Trying to make friends, but...

[EndoGrrl]

I'm 47 years old, single, wrapping up my M1 right now. I'm about 20 years older than the average age of my classmates. I am really tired and worn down, demoralized thinking about the road just getting harder in the upcoming years. I moved to a city where I don't know anyone, and my family and friends live over 2000 miles away, back home. I've made some friends at school, but no one invites me to go out with them. A couple of them told me, at different times, they thought I wouldn't be interested in that gathering, since they were there to drink and I don't drink (but laugh watching people I know drink). So I've tried inviting people to join me here or there, but no takers. I feel like my age ostracizes me, and it makes me more down about being here and struggling, and all I can think to do right now is vent anonymously on the internet. There are support groups on campus for students with SO's, for students with families/kids. I don't fit in there, either. I wish I'd never made my age known.

Anyone have any similar experiences?

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[esob]

hmm, well I'm still in undergrad but for me it's not a problem at all (I'm 20+ years older than all my classmates). I lead study groups all the time though so most of the kids look up to me as a mentor. I get invited to bday gatherings, BBQ's, etc quite often. Part of it is not being intimidated I guess, people are merely highly social animals; just establish dominance

 

[wholeheartedly]

I'm 47 years old, single, wrapping up my M1 right now. I'm about 20 years older than the average age of my classmates. I am really tired and worn down, demoralized thinking about the road just getting harder in the upcoming years. I moved to a city where I don't know anyone, and my family and friends live over 2000 miles away, back home. I've made some friends at school, but no one invites me to go out with them. A couple of them told me, at different times, they thought I wouldn't be interested in that gathering, since they were there to drink and I don't drink (but laugh watching people I know drink). So I've tried inviting people to join me here or there, but no takers. I feel like my age ostracizes me, and it makes me more down about being here and struggling, and all I can think to do right now is vent anonymously on the internet. There are support groups on campus for students with SO's, for students with families/kids. I don't fit in there, either. I wish I'd never made my age known.

Anyone have any similar experiences?

Any hobbies, clubs, or activities you could use to make friends outside of med school? I know you probably don't have a ton of time, but like a cycling club, photography club, free clinic (ours had public health students, med students, PT students, pharm students, nursing students so it had good age variability). Is there a grad school affiliated with your school?

 

[NonTrad16]

Only 30, incoming M1 with a SO who will live far away from campus (so occasional meetings with students, usually not). I really don't like moving to new places just for the awkward meeting people phase... as a grad student I took about a year to find my people.

Just posting to sympathize and agree with the above. I've also heard about people who only really make friends off campus (through their hobbies, volunteering, etc), so it seems possible to just be "cordial" with students, and seek out likeminded folk elsewhere.

Good luck!

 

[Darth Doc]

I'm 40+. I went out a couple times when invited, but I don't enjoy bars. There are a couple of classmates that I go running with and go out to eat with and play board games with. I've become friends with a NP I met at the hospital too - she got me into Crossfit. I have a church, and they're good people but I don't have time for them (and either they know it or they get intimidated because I don't get invited out individually by anyone there, just to group events).

I didn't get close to any of my current friends until MS2. I'd hear them talk about movies, I'd join the conversation, then we'd end up going as a group. My class also has parties the night after exams - everyone's invited.

It still gets lonely some days, because really there are very few people in the country our age, with our life experience, going through what we are. Even if you don't end up making friends in your class, be a friend to them when you see the chance. Say kind things, be generous, exercise, find things to get out and do outside of class, etc... Hang in there. In a few more years you'll be a physician and no one will pay attention the fact that you've been practicing 2 years and them 20 when they ask if you want to join them for something.

 

[FrkyBgStok]

Start drinking. Problem solved. Alcohol fixes everything.

 

[DrMidlife]

Thing I did right when I started med school at 46: I had no expectations of enjoying spending time with my young classmates. I looked outside school for a satisfying social life. While the kiddoes were drinking and powerlifting and hooking up, I was out hiking or doing community stuff with people closer to my age. And I didn't have to go far to get my social connections - the nurses and techs at the hospital were my no-pressure buddies. Still true in residency.

But, thing I did wrong when I started med school at 46: I didn't study with classmates, I studied alone. I can think of about a half dozen serious, mature kiddoes who would have been great to study with in groups. The academic slog wore me out, and that would have gone better if I hadn't isolated.

All that said, the closest friendships that came out of those 4 years were with normal-age classmates, after working side-by-side for a long time. And it would be troubling if this weren't the case, because a whole lot of my peer colleagues forever will be 20+ years younger than me.

Best of luck to you.

 

[aformerstudent]

What is it that you are looking to do?

 

[EndoGrrl]

I haven't had time to look outside the medical school. There are various graduate schools. I haven't even had much time to find groups for my hobbies, but also feel the pinch of time. But looking outside the med school to satisfy my social needs is a priority. I'm still looking for a church to join, which might help. And our school collaborates in running a free clinic with 2 other local medical schools. As soon as this year is over, I'm planning to sign up for a regular weekly shift. Thank you so much for all the suggestions!

I do have a small group of classmates with whom I study, and am really pleased with that setup. But sometimes I feel a little like the Big Sister or Aunt or even Mommy. I don't mind that---but it would be nice to have some people locally who could or would reciprocate, I guess.

 

[QofQuimica]

Agree with the others that you should focus on what you do have in common with your classmates (need to study, desire to practice medicine) and look elsewhere for other social support.

On a more general philosophical level, I realize that you feel like you don't ever have enough time to find people you can socialize with. But you need to understand that you will feel like that for the rest of your career: during medical school, certainly during residency, and even as an attending. Medicine is like a gas in a container that way: it will always expand to fill all of the time that is available to it. So if you don't consciously make spending time with friends and loved ones a priority in your life, then you will find that you never have time to spend with friends or loved ones, and even the people who care about you will eventually stop trying to spend time with you after you rebuff them often enough. I'm not saying that you should be going to parties every night, getting drunk, or doing anything else you don't want to do. But if you're interested in joining the free clinic, then yes, join it, and go there once a week to volunteer, even if you're "too busy" to spend the couple of hours. Ditto for joining a church, a sports group, a study group, etc. I promise you that if you really care about doing these things, then you're not too busy to spend a couple of hours per week doing them. You can always find the time to do something that really matters to you.

 

[njtrimed]

I'm 47 years old, single, wrapping up my M1 right now. I'm about 20 years older than the average age of my classmates. I am really tired and worn down, demoralized thinking about the road just getting harder in the upcoming years. I moved to a city where I don't know anyone, and my family and friends live over 2000 miles away, back home. I've made some friends at school, but no one invites me to go out with them. A couple of them told me, at different times, they thought I wouldn't be interested in that gathering, since they were there to drink and I don't drink (but laugh watching people I know drink). So I've tried inviting people to join me here or there, but no takers. I feel like my age ostracizes me, and it makes me more down about being here and struggling, and all I can think to do right now is vent anonymously on the internet. There are support groups on campus for students with SO's, for students with families/kids. I don't fit in there, either. I wish I'd never made my age known.

Anyone have any similar experiences?

How involved are you in activities on campus? I'm also an M1 who is older than my classmates by quite a bit, but it really doesn't matter when you have common interests. I don't drink, so I wouldn't be interested in going to bars or parties either, but getting involved in different interest groups and clubs on campus is easy. Since I have a family, I don't have time to be as involved as I would be if I was single, but I still at least feel connected to my class.

 

[Gauss44]

I'm 40+. I went out a couple times when invited, but I don't enjoy bars. There are a couple of classmates that I go running with and go out to eat with and play board games with. I've become friends with a NP I met at the hospital too - she got me into Crossfit. I have a church, and they're good people but I don't have time for them (and either they know it or they get intimidated because I don't get invited out individually by anyone there, just to group events).

I didn't get close to any of my current friends until MS2. I'd hear them talk about movies, I'd join the conversation, then we'd end up going as a group. My class also has parties the night after exams - everyone's invited.

It still gets lonely some days, because really there are very few people in the country our age, with our life experience, going through what we are. Even if you don't end up making friends in your class, be a friend to them when you see the chance. Say kind things, be generous, exercise, find things to get out and do outside of class, etc... Hang in there. In a few more years you'll be a physician and no one will pay attention the fact that you've been practicing 2 years and them 20 when they ask if you want to join them for something.

I may be on the opposite side of this. There are several classmates of mine in a pre med program (and coworkers at a hospital) who I've wanted to invite out, but I'm under the right or wrong impression that inviting groups is more appropriate. And that inviting an individual risks making someone very uncomfortable. There may be an obvious social rule that I'm unaware of. (I'm feeling kind of embarrassed about admitting this, that I might not know about an obvious social rule, but I guess it's better to admit it and open oneself up for learning, than to pretend that I know and never learn.)

 

[jjbodean]

i'm 46 and just graduated med school. most of my classmates, from the feedback i was given, didnt really look at me as my age, but just as one of them. i always tried to go to class and school social events and mingle with others, letting them get to know me outside of the academic setting. even then, i feel that i settled in with the better relationships with those i studied with most during MS1; those relationships tended to stay close throughout the 4 years.

on the other hand, i wasnt always invited to events that i would have liked to have been, and it was disappointing from time to time. i did sometimes wonder what was it that made them not invite or include me. but at the end of the day, the academics took the most of my valuable time and i didnt worry so much about the social aspect as much.

i would suggest continue to participate and let your class get to know you. it will come with time.

 

[jjbodean]

I'm 40+. I went out a couple times when invited, but I don't enjoy bars. Blah blah blah...

so wise young Darth Doc

 

[rabbott1971]

I'm 45, applying this cycle, and had similar experience in post-bacc I recently finished. I liked hanging out with the young people. One thing you might try is just being around. I think a lot of non-trads have the urge to flee campus when class is over, whereas there is a lot of hanging out going over notes and goofing around to be done if you have time. Sometimes I felt mildly like the Dad in the group, but that's okay. I think most of the kids found me pretty tolerable, but I have a somewhat immature mentality anyway, haha. Pick some friendly kids and ask to study together, or hang out and get people used to seeing your face. Good luck, and hang in there!