Med school as single dad

[Ad2b]

Any chance you've been documenting dates/times/actions taken/comments made with respect to her behavior? and if not, is that something you could start doing in a smallish type notebook you keep at school?

That might be handy when the divorce starts.

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[pupsnacks]

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[pupsnacks]

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[Ad2b]

No offense but how in the world would you expect this guy to go through a divorce while in medical school?

you need to read the thread before trying to condemn me or put words in my mouth

 

[pupsnacks]

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[Ad2b]

I did already.

apparently, not well enough

 

[pupsnacks]

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[12glaucoma34]

Have you tried couples counseling at all? I'd be more concerned about how she interacts with the baby than how she interacts with you. Third, will other med students be enough social support for you? Finally, do what you want to do - ultimately you are the only one who has control over what you decide. It seems like from your tone is that you seem a little exhausted about her ups and downs. I've been in a roller-coaster type of relationship where, as Katy Perry says, "'Cause you're hot then you're cold; you're yes then you're no; you're in then you're out; you're up then you're down; you're wrong when it's right; it's black and it's white; we fight, we break up; we kiss we make up". So when it's good it's good, and when it's bad it's bad. Seems like your first post it was bad, now it seems like it's good or at least tolerable. Like I said before, don't waste your personal time with crazy. You can't see the stress on you if you are in it, but since you are married maybe try couples counseling. From what I get, and I've discussed this with my s.o. since I'm applying this year, is that couples are more prone to breakup during med school and residency if they don't have a clear idea of what to expect from the med student. And, not meeting expectations is a major reason why people fight and breakup or divorce. She should know your time will be so limited it probably won't matter if they live with you or not, since you will be studying most of the time. If she is going to bring you down while you are in school, you've got to consider it being a net negative with her around. Or, you could just run for the library. Just saying.

This is counter to what most people say, but I believe the idea of medical school increasing divorce is grossly inaccurate. If a marriage is on a solid foundation going into medical school, then it most likely will stay good during. It isn't medical school that causes problems, it is the stability in the relationship. Yes, maybe medical school accelerates the divorce, but I don't think it drastically alters the eventual outcome.

 

[12glaucoma34]

While @pupsnacks and @Ad2b provide an example of conflict, I'll comment that going through a divorce at anytime wouldn't be easy. Doing it during medical school is his only option based on his current situation.

 

[Ad2b]

That's insulting. Go belittle your girlfriend, wife, or mother.

Well, I'm actually a mom.

And you inferred a lot without reading or possibly comprehending so now you've insulted me. Good job.

You inferred I suggested he get divorced while in med school. Actually, I did not, nor would I. I have suggested he do what is in the best interest of the child again and again and again and again. I stand by that.

BUT if he is going to get divorced, I DO 100% suggest that he find a means to document date/time/statements so that when HIS lawyer gets involved, he has the right to defend himself against probable attack. I stand by that as well.

I suspect your CARS score wasn't that good, was it...

While @pupsnacks and @Ad2b provide an example of conflict, I'll comment that going through a divorce at anytime wouldn't be easy. Doing it during medical school is his only option based on his current situation.

I lose my patience with people who infer incorrectly, and then insult me.

 

[pupsnacks]

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[12glaucoma34]

Well, I'm actually a mom.

And you inferred a lot without reading or possibly comprehending so now you've insulted me. Good job.

You inferred I suggested he get divorced while in med school. Actually, I did not, nor would I. I have suggested he do what is in the best interest of the child again and again and again and again. I stand by that.

BUT if he is going to get divorced, I DO 100% suggest that he find a means to document date/time/statements so that when HIS lawyer gets involved, he has the right to defend himself against probable attack. I stand by that as well.

I suspect your CARS score wasn't that good, was it...



I lose my patience with people who infer incorrectly, and then insult me.

Inferring from your tone, I definitely guessed you are a mom. I believe there are roles more prominently displayed by each gender (although I'm sure someone will hammer me for saying this as its not PC) and you come across as a mom. No doubt about it IMO.

 

[pupsnacks]

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[12glaucoma34]

Uh huh. So if the marriage is unstable, then during medical school there would be a greater chance of breaking up. If any relationship is healthy and mature, then it should endure lots, including med school. Obviously this relationship is not that way. If he hasn't tried couples counseling, it doesn't hurt. I think avoiding a divorce during med school is smart. But maybe if it's inevitable the OP will share how it went. I'd like to know .

I don't know the answer, anyone know the actual effectiveness of couple's counseling? I have a hunch that it isn't very high.

 

[KoolKeith]

Thank you for being receptive to discussion and different perspectives, many on SDN are not this way.

The craziness of her swings is almost comical, but this situation is not funny and I'm sorry you have to deal with this. At this point and based on the information provided, I would recommend to continue with attending medical school and living with her. If she continues to act this way and doesn't change over the next year, leaving her between M1 and M2 would be the ideal time. By this time, she (with child) has established residency in your new area. Part of the problem on her part is she pushed you to do this, so don't feel bad if you know you're going to leave her, but aren't going to do it at this exact moment. Give it a good faith effort for things to work out before ending the marriage.

There are far more residency locations than medical schools, being close for that shouldn't be as much of a problem.

No worries, I can see the humor. I agree that that is probably the best course of action. I would love it if the relationship turned around but I don't really see things changing. But a year will go by regardless, might as well give it a little more time and see how it goes before school starts.

Any chance you've been documenting dates/times/actions taken/comments made with respect to her behavior? and if not, is that something you could start doing in a smallish type notebook you keep at school?

That might be handy when the divorce starts.

I haven't been actually writing everything down but have a good mental map going. Also, I neglected to mention that we are not legally married which may be an advantage in this case

Have you tried couples counseling at all? I'd be more concerned about how she interacts with the baby than how she interacts with you. Third, will other med students be enough social support for you? Finally, do what you want to do - ultimately you are the only one who has control over what you decide. It seems like from your tone is that you seem a little exhausted about her ups and downs. I've been in a roller-coaster type of relationship where, as Katy Perry says, "'Cause you're hot then you're cold; you're yes then you're no; you're in then you're out; you're up then you're down; you're wrong when it's right; it's black and it's white; we fight, we break up; we kiss we make up". So when it's good it's good, and when it's bad it's bad. Seems like your first post it was bad, now it seems like it's good or at least tolerable. Like I said before, don't waste your personal time with crazy. You can't see the stress on you if you are in it, but since you are married maybe try couples counseling. From what I get, and I've discussed this with my s.o. since I'm applying this year, is that couples are more prone to breakup during med school and residency if they don't have a clear idea of what to expect from the med student. And, not meeting expectations is a major reason why people fight and breakup or divorce. She should know your time will be so limited it probably won't matter if they live with you or not, since you will be studying most of the time. If she is going to bring you down while you are in school, you've got to consider it being a net negative with her around. Or, you could just run for the library. Just saying.

We have been to couples counseling. She refused to go at first despite me offering to pay for it. She finally agreed and it helped a little but then she felt like it was a waste of time and money so we stopped going. After she threatened to leave me the second time I told her we should go back and she refused, so I told her that if she wouldn't go I would go alone to which she replied that it would be "good for me". I went for awhile on my own but after awhile the therapist told me I really didn't need to be going.

My tone has probably changed because I've had minimal contact with her since moving a few weeks ago. I skype with the baby every day but her and I haven't spoken much beyond arranging movers and selling our house. I am more just frustrated with not being able to effectively resolve conflict. Every time I try to bring up a concern it ends up back on me. She flat out denies that she has said certain things which makes me question my sanity. I've been told this is called "gaslighting". Despite saying really crazy hurtful things she never apologizes and instead demands that I apologize. She says that she wouldn't say stuff like that if I didn't make her so angry. This happened a few times before I pretty much felt like I wasn't able to communicate anything to her on an intimate level. For quite awhile before I left I just focused on being a good dad and avoided too much communication beyond superficial things and taking care of business with the household, which led her to accuse me of not being committed and being "hesitant" in the relationship. I can't win.

 

[12glaucoma34]

I haven't been actually writing everything down but have a good mental map going. Also, I neglected to mention that we are not legally married which may be an advantage in this case



We have been to couples counseling. She refused to go at first despite me offering to pay for it. She finally agreed and it helped a little but then she felt like it was a waste of time and money so we stopped going. After she threatened to leave me the second time I told her we should go back and she refused, so I told her that if she wouldn't go I would go alone to which she replied that it would be "good for me". I went for awhile on my own but after awhile the therapist told me I really didn't need to be going.

My tone has probably changed because I've had minimal contact with her since moving a few weeks ago. I skype with the baby every day but her and I haven't spoken much beyond arranging movers and selling our house. I am more just frustrated with not being able to effectively resolve conflict. Every time I try to bring up a concern it ends up back on me. She flat out denies that she has said certain things which makes me question my sanity. I've been told this is called "gaslighting". Despite saying really crazy hurtful things she never apologizes and instead demands that I apologize. She says that she wouldn't say stuff like that if I didn't make her so angry. This happened a few times before I pretty much felt like I wasn't able to communicate anything to her on an intimate level. For quite awhile before I left I just focused on being a good dad and avoided too much communication beyond superficial things and taking care of business with the household, which led her to accuse me of not being committed and being "hesitant" in the relationship. I can't win.

As far as the mental map, you don't remember things as good as you think. It looks far more impressive to a judge if you have specific date and times down.

In regards to counseling, it seems like she has ZERO interest in changing. Honestly, it seems like she is abusing you and your perspective on what a health relationship entails has been drastically altered by her insanity.

If you're not legally married, why would you need a divorce? Am I missing something? All you should need is a custody agreement.

 

[KoolKeith]

As far as the mental map, you don't remember things as good as you think. It looks far more impressive to a judge if you have specific date and times down.

In regards to counseling, it seems like she has ZERO interest in changing. Honestly, it seems like she is abusing you and your perspective on what a health relationship entails has been drastically altered by her insanity.

If you're not legally married, why would you need a divorce? Am I missing something? All you should need is a custody agreement.

You're right, I should write it down. Correct, no divorce necessary, we aren't married. She has no interest in changing because she believes that she doesn't have anything that needs changing. She's said all along that I am the problem in the relationship.

 

[12glaucoma34]

You're right, I should write it down. Correct, no divorce necessary, we aren't married. She has no interest in changing because she believes that she doesn't have anything that needs changing. She's said all along that I am the problem in the relationship.

In some way, you are part of the problem (everyone has faults), but the MAIN problem is her.

As far as writing things down, I can tell you from personal experience in previous in other legal matters that writing events down with date and time, and documenting them carefully will make you look much more competent and accurate. Create an email account and email yourself this stuff. Everything will be time stamped and no one can claim you sat down and manufactured all this in one sitting. Part of documentation includes saving voicemails and text messages. To help your sanity, record all the crazy off the wall stuff she says in a notebook for a few months.

 

[pupsnacks]

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[12glaucoma34]

Your story is really heartbreaking right now. I'm coming from a place where medical school acceptance is super important. But, I've been through a divorce while working full time and going to school full time. When I was in the bad relationship, my friends kept telling me how bad it was but I didn't want to believe it. It's much better to not be with an abusive person. If she isn't going to counseling, then she isn't willing to work or develop a healthy relationship. A benefit of jettisoning her is that she won't be able to take advantage of her being with you while you are in med school (this is coming from my s.o. since we are discussing you sitch) and just cut your losses. Plus, then you will get over her and make room for someone who is healthy. I really feel for you though. Its a tough situation.

The crazy thing about these type of relationships is that staying in them is easier for the time being, especially considering all that one has to endure in separating. Thus people delay ending the relationships. Not being married does make things a little easier.

 

[KoolKeith]

In some way, you are part of the problem (everyone has faults), but the MAIN problem is her.

As far as writing things down, I can tell you from personal experience in previous in other legal matters that writing events down with date and time, and documenting them carefully will make you look much more competent and accurate. Create an email account and email yourself this stuff. Everything will be time stamped and no one can claim you sat down and manufactured all this in one sitting. Part of documentation includes saving voicemails and text messages. To help your sanity, record all the crazy off the wall stuff she says in a notebook for a few months.

Of course, I am definitely not perfect. The email idea is good, thanks

Your story is really heartbreaking right now. I'm coming from a place where medical school acceptance is super important. But, I've been through a divorce while working full time and going to school full time. When I was in the bad relationship, my friends kept telling me how bad it was but I didn't want to believe it. It's much better to not be with an abusive person. If she isn't going to counseling, then she isn't willing to work or develop a healthy relationship. A benefit of jettisoning her is that she won't be able to take advantage of her being with you while you are in med school (this is coming from my s.o. since we are discussing you sitch) and just cut your losses. Plus, then you will get over her and make room for someone who is healthy. I really feel for you though. Its a tough situation.

I appreciate it. I have been coming from the perspective that despite not being married, I would live the vow to stick with it through thick and thin, better and worse, and continue to work hard at getting through issues that arise. It's hard for me to give that up and "quit". Mainly for the sake of our child. Most of what I had read said that outside of serious situations of physical abuse or addiction, a two parent household is best but I'm starting to realize that perhaps two people being good parents in separate homes would be better long term. It's reassuring to know that it wouldn't be the end of the world if it comes down to that.

 

[DrHubby]

There’s nothing wrong with strategizing to insure your position. Your situation is similar to mine except I’m married. I’ll go to any length to make sure my child is with me and has a relationship with the other parent. But divorce/separation with kids is business. It’s handled as such and if your not careful and strategic you’ll get fu*#%^!