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[carrot395]

[Deleted post]

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[Warderino92]

Statistically there are 3.6 billion males in the world so i'm pretty sure you could find someone exactly like him, maybe not in your class but in your town. We had people in my class get married over the year or so, but there have also been break ups, divorces, and called off engagements. In the end not much to say other than follow your gut if you want to continue it or not.

 

[aalamruad]

You really shouldn't marry someone just because you "prefer him the most." Explore a little, it doesn't sound like you have a whole lot of experience with a diverse set of romantic relationships.

You also shouldn't marry someone who lies to you about major life decisions.

You're settling for him because you're scared. There's no need to be scared, there are plenty of great guys out there.

 

[Donald Juan]

If the two of you are going to be in professional job fields that require a large amount of moving and sacrifice, then you have to come to some sort of an understanding on how you will make it work. From what you've said, he has first taken a job away from you (which was likely unnecessary), and now he accepted a law school away from you, when you make it sound like you two had already discussed him going to law school near you.

Now, I'm not suggesting that he has to make every sacrifice for your career, but if you guys talked about these things, and he agreed it was important to be with you, then he just takes a job/school enrollment across the country...then that says you two clearly have different expectations for this relationship.

Also, wtf you asked him to propose? Why wouldn't you just propose to him if you are going to go in that direction. You want some facade of thinking getting married was his idea? It sounds like you are desperately dragging him to the altar which he is doing everything in his powers to show you he doesn't want any part of.

 

[Taco Time]

If the two of you are going to be in professional job fields that require a large amount of moving and sacrifice, then you have to come to some sort of an understanding on how you will make it work. From what you've said, he has first taken a job away from you (which was likely unnecessary), and now he accepted a law school away from you, when you make it sound like you two had already discussed him going to law school near you.

Now, I'm not suggesting that he has to make every sacrifice for your career, but if you guys talked about these things, and he agreed it was important to be with you, then he just takes a job/school enrollment across the country...then that says you two clearly have different expectations for this relationship.

Also, wtf you asked him to propose? Why wouldn't you just propose to him if you are going to go in that direction. You want some facade of thinking getting married was his idea? It sounds like you are desperately dragging him to the altar which he is doing everything in his powers to show you he doesn't want any part of.

I agree with this. The flip-flopping should cause you to ask some significant questions rather than pushing him to propose to you--THE significant question that no one wants to look back on and admit they goofed up on. 3-6 hours away isn't an end-all-be-all but is still long distanced at the end of the day.

Also, for you to come on this forum and ask should be an indicator of sorts to if you would honestly think the long-haul of marriage is actually a good idea. No one gets married with bad intentions in mind, but intentions don't dictate reality. Unless you're fine with not doing an ultra-competitive speciality where indifference to location of training is essential when matching, you wouldn't be limited geographically and could follow him to where he's at. Regardless, med school pushes life decisions to ultimatums all the time, relationships not being an exception. I hope you make the right decision that you look back on in 50 years without regret.

 

[futuremdforme]

He's chosen his career over you several times. He's backed out on promises several times. He's shown you what kind of relationship he wants to have and it's not one of equals.

 

[giantswing]

He's just not that into you.

 

[edgerock24]

He does not owe you anything when it comes to his career. He does not need to go to a lesser quality law school (note: law school prestige matters a ton in regard to finding a good job, which there are less of every year for new law grads) to make you happy, regardless of an agreement you both made. Your emotions could change very quickly, and he'd be stuck at a school that he never wanted to be at to begin with. It also sounds like your pressuring him a ton to get married. This is unfair, and incredibly irritating to deal with as a male. Stop trying to lock him up. If he wants to get married, he will propose to you.

 

[giantswing]

I also find it lol they think they can do better than a doctor daughter in law... then I remember that trump is president...

 

[Redpancreas]

I also find it lol they think they can do better than a doctor daughter in law... then I remember that trump is president...

Frankly, being a doctor is no longer anything special by itself. A medical student is a dime a dozen these days especially with all the new DO schools opening up. I'd think anyone's parents would prefer a girl that suits their son's living situation as opposed to someone who jumped through a few difficult hoops in undergrad.

What makes me lol is that every time I'm talking to a girl and medical school comes up, girls are usually quick to say, "like er-mah-gawwdd, I dated one of those a yr ago" or "my sister's fiancé is a resident". Also, despite the general lack of understanding lay people have about the length of medical school and the training involved, single girls have a pretty good understanding of all of it probably due their willingness to pursue it at one point or experience with it in the dating world.

Anyways, goes back to the point that dating a doctor is not really that amazing for a guy or girl, and it's more about how that person is outside of being a doctor these days.

 

[Goro]

As someone who was also in a LDR, IM, email and Skype are good things.

Follow your heart, but keep your eyes open. There's a Jack for every Jill in the world, and it's too soon to figure out if this is your Jack.

More cynically, him being a lawyer, and your dumping him, means that you won't have to support an unemployed person when you hit residency.

Hi there! I am 23 years old and a first year female medical school students in the northeast, and I am currently in a long distance relationship with my college boyfriend. I appreciate you reading my story and writing some comments about the situation.

My boyfriend and I are dated for 2.5 years in college, which include 1.5 years of long distance b/c he studied abroad. I was extremely unhappy with LDR but I thought I could see myself getting married to him. After he graduated, he quickly quit his first job and relocated home in another part of the country. He refused to find a new job near me, so we broke up because I refused to do long distance.

However I realized that I prefer him the most, so we got back together just before I started medical school, still long distance, based on the promise that he will go to the law school located closest to me. He flies to my city each month to see me and I really appreciate his effort. However, he end up getting accepted into top law schools and now he wants to pick the law school that has the most prestige (3-6 hours away). I feel that he is backing up on his promise. He wants to keep doing long distance with me for the next 3 years b/c he is convinced that I am the love of his life.

His parents always pressure him to dump me and date more women to explore his options, especially in law school, because they think that he can do better than me. I worry how I can get along with them as my in-laws. Recently I asked him if we could get engaged this summer b/c I really need some type of closure or more commitment from him for a 3 year LDR, and surprisingly he said yes he would propose. In the back of my mind I think that he won't be able to stand up to his parents and go through with the proposal, so I am betting on a breakup in a couple of months... but he keeps on saying that he will get the ring and propose. Should I believe in his promises and wait until the summer for the proposal, or just break up now and avoid long distance? What if this becomes a long distance marriage? Will we ever live in the same location?

I worry that I won't find anyone as compatible as him... so far in my medical school I don't see myself dating any of the boys, but I suppose I could give them a shot and make an effort to attract someone. I don't know what to do so I am asking on the forum. Thanks for any advice and I look forward to hearing back.

 

[MeltingIceCube]

More cynically, him being a lawyer, and your dumping him, means that you won't have to support an unemployed person when you hit residency.

You mean to tell me all of my lawyer-friends who intern for free or for minimum-wage post-graduation aren't doing it out of the kindness of their hearts or for social justice purposes?

 

[FourniersGreenGang]

Hi there! I am 23 years old and a first year female medical school students in the northeast, and I am currently in a long distance relationship with my college boyfriend. I appreciate you reading my story and writing some comments about the situation.

My boyfriend and I are dated for 2.5 years in college, which include 1.5 years of long distance b/c he studied abroad. I was extremely unhappy with LDR but I thought I could see myself getting married to him. After he graduated, he quickly quit his first job and relocated home in another part of the country. He refused to find a new job near me, so we broke up because I refused to do long distance.

However I realized that I prefer him the most, so we got back together just before I started medical school, still long distance, based on the promise that he will go to the law school located closest to me. He flies to my city each month to see me and I really appreciate his effort. However, he end up getting accepted into top law schools and now he wants to pick the law school that has the most prestige (3-6 hours away). I feel that he is backing up on his promise. He wants to keep doing long distance with me for the next 3 years b/c he is convinced that I am the love of his life.

His parents always pressure him to dump me and date more women to explore his options, especially in law school, because they think that he can do better than me. I worry how I can get along with them as my in-laws. Recently I asked him if we could get engaged this summer b/c I really need some type of closure or more commitment from him for a 3 year LDR, and surprisingly he said yes he would propose. In the back of my mind I think that he won't be able to stand up to his parents and go through with the proposal, so I am betting on a breakup in a couple of months... but he keeps on saying that he will get the ring and propose. Should I believe in his promises and wait until the summer for the proposal, or just break up now and avoid long distance? What if this becomes a long distance marriage? Will we ever live in the same location?

I worry that I won't find anyone as compatible as him... so far in my medical school I don't see myself dating any of the boys, but I suppose I could give them a shot and make an effort to attract someone. I don't know what to do so I am asking on the forum. Thanks for any advice and I look forward to hearing back.

Law school is all about the prestige of the school to which you go. Don't be selfish and let him throw away tons of $ on an inferior education and inferior opportunities. If you truly love him you'll support his decision to attend a prestigious law school and you'll find a way to make it work.

 

[Redpancreas]

Hi there! I am 23 years old and a first year female medical school students in the northeast, and I am currently in a long distance relationship with my college boyfriend. I appreciate you reading my story and writing some comments about the situation.

My boyfriend and I are dated for 2.5 years in college, which include 1.5 years of long distance b/c he studied abroad. I was extremely unhappy with LDR but I thought I could see myself getting married to him. After he graduated, he quickly quit his first job and relocated home in another part of the country. He refused to find a new job near me, so we broke up because I refused to do long distance.

However I realized that I prefer him the most, so we got back together just before I started medical school, still long distance, based on the promise that he will go to the law school located closest to me. He flies to my city each month to see me and I really appreciate his effort. However, he end up getting accepted into top law schools and now he wants to pick the law school that has the most prestige (3-6 hours away). I feel that he is backing up on his promise. He wants to keep doing long distance with me for the next 3 years b/c he is convinced that I am the love of his life.

His parents always pressure him to dump me and date more women to explore his options, especially in law school, because they think that he can do better than me. I worry how I can get along with them as my in-laws. Recently I asked him if we could get engaged this summer b/c I really need some type of closure or more commitment from him for a 3 year LDR, and surprisingly he said yes he would propose. In the back of my mind I think that he won't be able to stand up to his parents and go through with the proposal, so I am betting on a breakup in a couple of months... but he keeps on saying that he will get the ring and propose. Should I believe in his promises and wait until the summer for the proposal, or just break up now and avoid long distance? What if this becomes a long distance marriage? Will we ever live in the same location?

I worry that I won't find anyone as compatible as him... so far in my medical school I don't see myself dating any of the boys, but I suppose I could give them a shot and make an effort to attract someone. I don't know what to do so I am asking on the forum. Thanks for any advice and I look forward to hearing back.

So despite the tone being more assertive, all of what I say is my opinion:

Hey OP, based on your previous posts, it sounds like there's a lot of stress in your life and I'm sorry I can't relate to it. You 100% need to dump him and I'll go into why.

Earlier this year you posted about your anxiety of lacking social skills despite getting into medical school. Later, you posted about a futile relationship that seemed destined to end and you were just asking for the sake of asking. You sound like a you aren't a very decisive person for one reason or another and attach to things that seem certain for fear of being alone. Everyone is kind of like this to some degree and it has its strengths as I'm sure when you find the right guy you'll be very committed but you are in a very limited relationship with no growth potential.

A couple very obvious things your boyfriend has done tells me this relationship is toxic to you. Firstly from the start he has said he doesn't value your religion, getting married, etc or as you put it the three most important things in your life. As a guy, I know that kind of guy that smugly says this to your face. It's the weak user who thinks he can have a girlfriend by simply being a demanding dingus and dictating his will unto of a relationship rather than growing up and becoming a real man and making room to support a real woman. I know it seems like a strong assertion but then what about the fact that he wanted to go on a trip with you and wanted to be friends with benefits during that time?

Also, you need to look at the practicality for both of you because I'm sure as much as I've trashed him he's a decent guy at heart in some ways which is why you like him. He needs to go to the best law school because, in law, it's not you're in and you win like medical school. The prestige of the school matters. Also his parents don't even like you...as you've predicted, this guy's manhood is going to get exposed when you find out that his commitment to marry you is going to be trumped by his parent's opinion.

Also look at how this relationship was founded...it was made during a gap year and is now only one year long...Gap years are a lot like a trip to Vegas in that what happens in a gap year should stay in a gap year. During this time you are free to test your limits and explore life and do pretty much whatever you want but your stress levels are at on all-time low. Had you met this boyfriend during pre-med or at least a period where you both were ina period of your life that was more representative of your future life, this may not have even happened.

Overall you decide your fate OP but it seems you are a reasonably attractive girl as your Bf wants you, you're in medical school so you will be able to establish your independence in life, and you are about to embark on one of the toughest and most time consuming years of your life. I highly suggest you break up with him tomorrow and cut off ties entirlely. Thats the best way. The best thing is that medical school will keep you busy enough not to dwell on it. Will you be upset when you see him with another girl on FB in a few months to a year. Yeah but this is something to grow from, not something to be scared of.

 

[Tenk]

Dump his sorry ass.

 

[Redpancreas]

.

 

[Taddy Mason]

lol at looking for relationship advice on teh interwebz.

 

[Spectre of Ockham]

In a long distance relationship all 4 people involved are happy. Just saying.

 

[Redpancreas]

Hi sorry for the confusion! I dumped the guy who didn't value my religion or wants marriage. And now I am back together with my college boyfriend who shares my religion, desire for marriage, and children... this forum really confirmed my desire to dump him so thanks for the support. Additionally, my current medical school is amazing and they train us how to be more social and how to talk to patients. I feel SO MUCH less awkward right now, in fact I pretty much get along with majority of students in my class... very happy with my decision to go to medical school. Sorry for not clarifying which boy we are talking about haha

Answer is two different guys... didn't cheat on anyone!!!

LMAO, figured which is why I deleted my other post. It's not your fault. Serves me right for stalking your post history and then getting mixed up.

I'm glad there's no insecurity with attending medical school.

All this being said, I still think some of what I said holds. You (as many great girls are) quite dependent on other's and I'm glad that you're moving in the direction of dumping him.

In terms of dating, I think like many have echoed, there are millions of guys in medical school who value religion, family, and kids. Even if you have a looks, height, or ethnicity filter you're still looking at a good third t half your class as well as other parts of the class.

You can read about it elsewhere but advantages of dating guys in medical school are shared understanding and having a partner who is also self-reliant. Money's nice too but it's probably canceled about by the limited time you'll actually get to spend together.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

 

[Stagg737]

He does not owe you anything when it comes to his career. He does not need to go to a lesser quality law school (note: law school prestige matters a ton in regard to finding a good job, which there are less of every year for new law grads) to make you happy, regardless of an agreement you both made. Your emotions could change very quickly, and he'd be stuck at a school that he never wanted to be at to begin with. It also sounds like your pressuring him a ton to get married. This is unfair, and incredibly irritating to deal with as a male. Stop trying to lock him up. If he wants to get married, he will propose to you.

She also doesn't owe him anything when it comes to her career, and if he thought he would get into an elite law school farther away from her he shouldn't have made any promises about going to law school near her. It is irritating to be pressured into a commitment, but it's also irritating to have someone make a major promise or commitment to you and then go back on it.

Law school is all about the prestige of the school to which you go. Don't be selfish and let him throw away tons of $ on an inferior education and inferior opportunities. If you truly love him you'll support his decision to attend a prestigious law school and you'll find a way to make it work.

And if he truly loved her he wouldn't have refused to move closer to her with his job and made a promises about their relationship he couldn't keep.

@kittycat007 , you and your current bf have chosen career paths that require a lot of understanding and flexibility from the "other half" of the relationship. Clearly, a successful career is something that both you and your bf value highly and prioritize. Unfortunately, at this point in your educations, you two are either going to have to be mature enough to understand that putting your careers first doesn't mean the relationship can't happen, or you two should go your own separate ways.

Tbh, I don't think either of you are mature enough to really make this work in a healthy way right now. Your bf has clearly put his career before you in the past and is doing so again now, which is fine, but he shouldn't expect you to just wait around until he's ready for something more. On top of that, it sounds like his parents are going to keep hounding him about the relationship and finding someone "better". Maybe they'll come around a little, but it's likely they'll have at least some resentment about your relationship well into the future. At the same time, it's not fair for you to push an engagement on him. On top of that, your previous long-distance relationship with him failed and now you're going to try and make one work for 3 years? Even if you're engaged, that doesn't make it easier. It really sounds like you need someone who can physically be there to support you, and as others have said there are plenty of other people out there that can make you happy and be there for you better than your current bf can.

 

[Haybrant]

you are pretty young which is a good thing. That being said, dont listen to the haters here. You dont just walk out there and find someone else. It never works that way no matter what age. Dedication, compassion, and working things out are among the most virtuous things left. When youre 23 and surrounded with other people that are 23 that is almost impossible to see unless you have good life mentors (parents hopefully, but thats more rare than it used to be).

that said, you have to have a cut point. You cant allow yourself to get pulled in a direction that doesnt work for you that leads to sacrifices. You should demand getting engaged if thats where you are at. If it doesnt happen then you should break it off. Give yourself 3-4 months to heal (which just means that you forgive your emotions for that period of time) and then you can get back out there ready to engage more fully again. At 23 I have no doubt you can do this. Its the 30+ that have a much tougher time guy or girl.

 

[Haybrant]

you are pretty young which is a good thing. That being said, dont listen to the haters here. You dont just walk out there and find someone else. It never works that way no matter what age. Dedication, compassion, and working things out are among the most virtuous things left. When youre 23 and surrounded with other people that are 23 that is almost impossible to see unless you have good life mentors (parents hopefully, but thats more rare than it used to be).

that said, you have to have a cut point. You cant allow yourself to get pulled in a direction that doesnt work for you that leads to sacrifices. You should demand getting engaged if thats where you are at. If it doesnt happen then you should break it off. Give yourself 3-4 months to heal (which just means that you forgive your emotions for that period of time) and then you can get back out there ready to engage more fully again. At 23 I have no doubt you can do this. Its the 30+ that have a much tougher time guy or girl.

 

[raiderette]

I have to say, I can't hold it against him for wanting to go to a top law school. Although any US med school will secure a stable job, the same cannot be said for all law schools. Rank matters. I say focus on college, let him focus on law school, then see what happens. You are both going to be in stressful situations, and job opportunities may keep you in LDR for a while. You don't have control of residency either.

 

[ed*26]

It sounds like neither of you are very confident in your love life or your careers. He seems to have made that promise assuming he'd never make it into that top law school. Then he did, and he's reevaluating his future like any sane person would in that situation. IMO it was a pretty ****ty compromise to begin with, but I guess I place high importance on my career.

Long distance relationships suck, but if they're the right person you'll make it work. It may even be good for your relationship if the two of you need space to grow as individuals (sound like it). Are you more invested in getting married asap, or in building a future that both of you will be happy with? My partner and I are honest with each other and weigh both of our career and personal needs equally because we're partners.

Your pseudo-engagement sounds unstable and anxiety-ridden -- you know, the exact opposite of how an engagement should be. If I were you I'd stop it with the engagement crap and have a discussion about where each of you sees yourself in 5+ years.

 

[Espressso]

Dump him loll it's not worth it. you're 23. Be a little selfish while you can and focus on yourself!

 

[Ismet]

Moving to Spouses and Partners forum

 

[Stagg737]

Your pseudo-engagement sounds unstable and anxiety-ridden -- you know, the exact opposite of how an engagement should be. If I were you I'd stop it with the engagement crap and have a discussion about where each of you sees yourself in 5+ years.

+1

I think this is the best step you can take and the most telling thing as to whether the relationship could work or not. Write out where you expect to be career-wise, expectations for locations, family and child relations, and what you need out of a partner. If things just don't line up, then it's probably time to break it off (at least for now). It kind of sounds like neither of you are accurately communicating about the major priorities in your life, which is essential for any long-term relationship.

 

[Hopefulfuturedoc17]

Hi there! I am 23 years old and a first year female medical school students in the northeast, and I am currently in a long distance relationship with my college boyfriend. I appreciate you reading my story and writing some comments about the situation.

My boyfriend and I are dated for 2.5 years in college. After he graduated, he quit his first job and relocated home in another part of the country. He refused to find a new job near me, so we broke up because I refused to do long distance.

However I realized that I prefer him the most, so we got back together just before I started medical school, still long distance, based on the promise that he will go to the law school located closest to me. However, he end up getting accepted into top law schools and now he wants to pick the law school that has the most prestige (3-6 hours away). I feel that he is backing up on his promise. He wants to keep doing long distance with me for the next 3 years b/c he is convinced that I am the love of his life.

His parents always pressure him to dump me and date more women to explore his options, especially in law school, because they think that he can do better than me. I worry how I can get along with them as my in-laws. Recently I asked him if we could get engaged this summer b/c I really need some type of closure or more commitment from him for a 3 year LDR, and surprisingly he said yes he would propose. In the back of my mind I think that he won't be able to stand up to his parents and go through with the proposal... but he keeps on saying that he will get the ring and propose. Should I believe in his promises and wait until the summer for the proposal, or just break up now and avoid long distance? What if this becomes a long distance marriage? Will we ever live in the same location?

I worry that I won't find anyone as compatible as him... so far in my medical school I don't see myself dating any of the boys, but I suppose I could give them a shot and make an effort. I don't know what to do so I am asking on the forum. Thanks for any advice and I look forward to hearing back.

I'm just trying to play devils advocate here but to be honest, him going to the better law school is what he NEEDS to do. Just like how you going to whatever medical school you get accepted to (and the one with the most prestige and support) is what you need to do. That promise that he made to you was honestly not the most fair promise to make. A career in law is made or broken with your school and your internships. You have to remember that even though you are becoming a doctor his career is just as important to him as yours is to you. How you feel about the future of your relationship is up to you but I honestly feel like it's not fair to be mad at him for that.