Ladies, will you change your last name after marriage?

[airca12]

I have absolutely no intention of changing my name if/when I get married.

1. It's a bad idea professionally. I don't want to be known as two different people at any point in time.

2. I'm proud of my name and my heritage.

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[dragonfly99]

Personally, I'll feel pretty crappy about it if future wife thinks it's a huge insult for her to take my name. Or that she somehow needs to make a statement by not taking my name (probably wouldn't marry someone like that anyway)

Anecdotally, it seems like I'm in the minority as every husband of every poster seems ok with it. Am I just old school in this regard?

I have a pretty common last name. Maybe I'll find someone else with same name so it won't matter.

pgh,
I don't think it's so much that women think it's some sort of insult to "take your name". It's more that it can be a big problem if you have a professional job...might cause confusion for her patients, or problem with getting a medical license, taking standardized tests, etc. Those things can be overcome, but it could be a big pain to deal with. Who says someone is necessarily trying to "make a statement" by not taking your name? Maybe she just likes her name...it's not necessarily an attempt to "do something" to you. I would argue the converse...that by you insisting that she HAS to take your name that you are feeling like you need to make a statement.

I think you are kind of old school, but some men feel as you do...and I'm sure if it's important to you, you can probably find a woman to marry who is willing to change her name. For a lot of people (men and women) it just isn't that big of a deal either way. Honestly, I would prefer not to change my name (because I like my last name, and it will be inconvenient if I have to, since I already have my MD, medical license, etc.). However, if I were engaged to someone who just felt it was really important to his psyche that I change my name, I guess I'd do it...really no big deal. Probably I would not ever end up engaged to someone like that, though.

Also, I think a lot of folks keep their maiden name as their middle name when they get married...that's what my mom did...so she became Mary Maidenname Dragonfly...she dropped her old middle name b/c she didn't like it anyway. So there are multiple options for people...

I think the marriage commitment is what is important...not the changing the name or not. My parents have been married x 36 yrs plus. I knew some kids growing up whose mom never changed her name, and it never seemed weird to me or freaked me out in any way...those parents are still married. I knew several other kids where the mom did change her name @marriage, and plenty of those folks are divorced, so I don't think the changing the name or not really affects the level of commitment.

 

[Ariee]

pgh,
I don't think it's so much that women think it's some sort of insult to "take your name". It's more that it can be a big problem if you have a professional job...might cause confusion for her patients, or problem with getting a medical license, taking standardized tests, etc. Those things can be overcome, but it could be a big pain to deal with. Who says someone is necessarily trying to "make a statement" by not taking your name? Maybe she just likes her name...it's not necessarily an attempt to "do something" to you. I would argue the converse...that by you insisting that she HAS to take your name that you are feeling like you need to make a statement.

I think you are kind of old school, but some men feel as you do...and I'm sure if it's important to you, you can probably find a woman to marry who is willing to change her name. For a lot of people (men and women) it just isn't that big of a deal either way. Honestly, I would prefer not to change my name (because I like my last name, and it will be inconvenient if I have to, since I already have my MD, medical license, etc.). However, if I were engaged to someone who just felt it was really important to his psyche that I change my name, I guess I'd do it...really no big deal. Probably I would not ever end up engaged to someone like that, though.

Also, I think a lot of folks keep their maiden name as their middle name when they get married...that's what my mom did...so she became Mary Maidenname Dragonfly...she dropped her old middle name b/c she didn't like it anyway. So there are multiple options for people...

I think the marriage commitment is what is important...not the changing the name or not. My parents have been married x 36 yrs plus. I knew some kids growing up whose mom never changed her name, and it never seemed weird to me or freaked me out in any way...those parents are still married. I knew several other kids where the mom did change her name @marriage, and plenty of those folks are divorced, so I don't think the changing the name or not really affects the level of commitment.

Dragonfly, you're right on!
I agree with your post. By the way, your mom was brilliant for the middlename convert. Thx for sharing

 

[touchadream]

I was practicing law when I married my med student husband. Never considered changing my name, thought it was important at the time, and to me, it really was. There was an organization I researched in law school (70's) called, really, The Center for A woman's Own Name, and run by none other than our now Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Then, Alabama, Hawaii automatically changed a woman's name and it was a hot issue. I actually had to represent a young man at U FLA where I went to law school--he wanted to use his new wife's name, thought it was cool, she was French, and the Registrar refused him... My two sisters, one an MD and one a writer, kept names also, but changed to husband's last name officially after 20 years or so of marriage. My younger sister told me at the time, don't worry about giving the kids his last name, they will think like you anyway, so give him that. My kids thought it was normal, so no issues there. Now I don't really care anymore, don't correct people, though I did dust off and hang all my diplomas and bar admissions in recent years, and once again working, its good. Hyphenations do get dropped, also often men drop them on phone, etc. and face it this isn't going to work past one generation. I still say Keep it. Its who you are. Its still an equality issue. There are earlier cultures (think Catherine of ARagon) where the party with the most land or money got the name. Or in primitive matirlineal societies their reasoning is you only really know who your mother is....!! Best of luck.

 

[AGLAIA]

I hyphenated and all it did was give me more junk mail, and I usually just go by his last name causally.

Our bigger (amusing) issue is that my husband has a first name that used to be traditionally male and has now been adopted more widely for females. So we will get calls asking for Mrs. "his name"...I'll say do you want the Mrs., which is me, or "his name" 'cause that's someone different. They usually get pretty confused at that point.

 

[aaliyahhaughton]

I am currently planning on NOT changing my last name. I'm Mrs. "husband's last name" for all intents and purposes, BUT I would still like to be Dr. "Maiden name". Is that odd? I think that I have to keep my maiden name legally so that I can be addressed/officially Dr. "maiden name". Is that true?

I'm curious to see what other people have to say about this topic. I realize that times are changing and a lot, though still a minority, of females are not changing their names.

I haven’t changed my last name. No one told me to change it. I and my husband are happy with that.

 

[Dr.Millisevert]

I am proud of my name and my husband loves that he married a strong, independent woman!

You're not independant (single) anymore.. You're married. The creation of a single "family name" usually represents this.

Even if that means your husband and you creating your own new last name or something different together.... its just nice to have the same "family name" if you are actually a part of a family. (in my opinion)

 

[SmKN808]

NOPE

 

[sgtbrushes]

I am by no means attempting to start a flame war, and I am a man, so I probably shouldn't even open this can of worms, but my wife and I got married before she started a career. There were no practical drawbacks to her changing her name. It was very important to me for the two of us to share a last name - I don't think I'm old fashioned; I just like the idea of my wife having the same last name as I.

Because marriage is all about compromises, despite the fact that my wife really liked her last name, she gave it up for me, because she knew it was important for me that we shared a last name. Would I have loved her any less if she kept her maiden name? Of course not. But the fact that she changed her name symbolizes that she is no longer a part of her original nuclear family; her primary family responsibilities are no longer to her parents and siblings, but to me, just as my primary family responsibilities are no longer to my parents, but to her.

 

[dpmd]

You let her know it was important to you, and she obviously didn't mind enough to make it a problem. You say it was important that you two share a common last name. If her name had some special meaning to her would you have been willing to change to her last name? Would you have been willing to create a new last name (perhaps combining both)?

My husband and I put all the various variations of names we would consider into a hat (him changing to mine, me changing to his, all sorts of hyphenations) and drew one out of the hat. We picked him changing to my last name. He had no problem with it, but then his parents got a little freaked out (and I read about how much **** a guy has to go through to change his last name) and so in the end laziness won out and we both kept our own. I don't feel any less married to him because of it, and plenty of people out there don't know any better and call me Mrs. His last name. Granted there is a part of me that looked forward to being Dr. My last name ever since I was a little girl and is happy that now I am.

I think it is perfectly appropriate for it to be something you discuss along with how you are going to handle bank accounts, loans, where you will live, what furniture you each will contribute, and all the other things you decide on when you are combining two lives into one marriage. How that discussion is resolved will be up to the people involved. I just don't think it should be considered a requirement to change.

 

[McGillGrad]

We should all just change names every few years. That would make just as much sense as changing names when you marry or deciding to keep it.

 

[Liza Smith]

I have changed my last name after my marriage as I was not having surname earlier. But still I am known by my name only and Ilike that.

 

[dispatcher]

I want to go back to bring up the optometrist's question about naming kids. Is anyone planning on doing anything besides naming their kids anything besides the husband's last name?
My husband and I are struggling with this right now. He feels strongly that children should have the father's last name "because that's the way everyone does it" - Not only do I feel like that's not a valid reason, but I honestly disagree with the tradition. The thing is, none of the alternatives quite work, either. I don't want them to have my name (that seems wrong to me in the same ways, just in opposite direction), nor do I agree with hyphenating (what is a smith-jones to do when s/he grows up and gets married? this just doesn't perpetuate like a name should).
The two possibilities I see:

• naming the girls after me and boys after him. At first glance it seems to fit the bill. But then it seems kinda off - siblings (of the same two parents) that don't share the same last name? Might get weird at school. Also seems as though it might create some male/female dichotomy - not what I'd want to go for.
• sort of modeling off the latin american tradition where mom smith and dad jones have son Bob Smith Jones (two last names - I may have the order off). except that because I want our family to kinda be all united with a name it'd be more like mom smith jones and dad smith jones (parent both absorb other spouse's name) and so the whole family has two last names. The major con is that it'd be long and clunky. But given that they're two separate last names (not an uber-long hypenated name) then both names are had, both or one can be used. (If daughter Mary smith jones chooses, later she can drop one and become Mary Smith or Mary Jones)

....curious as to what y'all think.

 

[dpmd]

You could always come up with a family name of your choice (a combo your last name and his if they go together well, or something completely made up but agreable to both of you). Then you could change your last names to it as well and all match, or just have different last names than the kids. The father's last name being the default always seemed weird to me(hey she delivered the thing shouldn't she get to name it). Having two last names (regardless of if they are hyphenated) isn't great either, simply because that is a lot of writing you have to do every time you have to put your name down (and lots of computer systems can't handle it meaning one name gets chopped off or the two get smooshed together into one name)

 

[McGillGrad]

You could always come up with a family name of your choice (a combo your last name and his if they go together well, or something completely made up but agreable to both of you). Then you could change your last names to it as well and all match, or just have different last names than the kids. The father's last name being the default always seemed weird to me(hey she delivered the thing shouldn't she get to name it). Having two last names (regardless of if they are hyphenated) isn't great either, simply because that is a lot of writing you have to do every time you have to put your name down (and lots of computer systems can't handle it meaning one name gets chopped off or the two get smooshed together into one name)

This does make the most sense. Although I wouldn't marry a female who refused to take my name, I would be totally open to a brand new name that we both agree on.

 

[dpmd]

Not to bring up another controversial topic, but I got the idea from a lesbian couple I knew in school. They couldn't marry, but they wanted to do something that would demonstrate to the outside world their commitment. So after their commitment ceremony (I wasn't invited, so I don't know the details), they went and legally changed their names. I don't remember the exact names, but it was something like fitzpatrick and sullivan. They ended up with something like fitzsullivan. I thought it worked out nicely for them.

 

[she woolf]

NEVER!

I actually changed my last name because my father didn't deserve to have his last name carried on by me. My mother didnt think enough to marry him so why give me his name?

If I had a daughter she'd have my last name. Son would have fathers last name.

Why should a women have to automatically want to change or attach a mans name...yet he doesn't feel obligated to do the same? I say f67k sexist tradtion. That's an easy excuse not a reason.

 

[quidam]

i did not change my name after marriage. i married young and a few days after, they told me that my newly hyphenated (the way i had intended it) name would not fit on my credit card. made me realize how frustrating it would be to change EVERY document attached to my name, especially since i'm an immigrant. i think i also preferred to be known as dr 'maiden name' since my father was also a doctor by the same name and he's been pressuring me to go into some sort of healthcare administration role. .
i think it'll be a nice touch in the end.

 

[Tatastrophy]

if my wife did that i'd defiinitely get me a prenump

and why is that? just curious.

 

[jackal307]

Hello all! I've tried to go through this whole thread, but got half way through and gave up. I have a logistical question. I'm getting married this June, a week after taking my step 1 (talk about stress!!) and I am planning on taking my husbands name. I already have everything filled out for a fast change, but I can't find what I need to change my name according to licensure things. I see on nbme that you can change your name, but that appears just to be for applying to take the exam/getting a new exam entry form.

does anybody know how I would go about doing this?

 

[Hope0913]

I married someone 10 years older than me. Best thing I ever did.

Some men aren't quite "done" until they are 35-40. Usually by then, they've learned how to not treat women like crap, and that they are not the center of the universe.

Don't despair, and don't look at every man as if he's about to treat you like crap--that's inviting disaster.

good to know cuz that's what my mom always tells me, but 5 yrs older than me is the max!

and i wouldn't change my name, I like my name

 

[Singa429]

As I'm going to start pursuing my doctorate in Psychology in the fall I just started thinking about this. I definitely want to be Dr. (maiden name), but when I get married, I will be Mrs. (his last name). Whenever I do meet Mr. Right hopefully he'll be ok with it...otherwise he won't be Mr. Right!

 

[MaryJns]

Taking a husband's last name is just one more tie between the couple. Given the lack of commitment that has become the standard, I think it's worthwhile - even at the cost of inconvenience and a little pride. Show your new husband that you're in it for the long haul. JMO.

-M

 

[ASuw]

I love my last name but i think there is nothing wrong in changing your last name once you are married.

I feel its a sweet tradition and i definitely wouldn't mind changing my last name once i get married.

 

[dpmd]

Taking a husband's last name is just one more tie between the couple. Given the lack of commitment that has become the standard, I think it's worthwhile - even at the cost of inconvenience and a little pride. Show your new husband that you're in it for the long haul. JMO.

-M

Your rationale is equally valid for arguing that the husband should take the wife's last name (or that they should select a new common last name). However, if your relationship is shaky enough that you need a name change to demonstrate the level of commitment, I don't think good things will follow.

 

[JeffLebowski]

Your rationale is equally valid for arguing that the husband should take the wife's last name (or that they should select a new common last name). However, if your relationship is shaky enough that you need a name change to demonstrate the level of commitment, I don't think good things will follow.

Yeah, because that's a reasonable interpretation of what she said.

I think MaryJns & ASuw's posts are spot on mature and romantic.

Why in THE HELL would a husband take his wife's last name? Why? The cultural standard is for the woman to take the man's last name if anyone's taking anyone else's last name - that should be it. Creating a new last name is really really really stupid and totally divergent from what traditions our culture has established, and just confusing and is potentially harmful to the strength of family tradition and identity.

MaryJns & ASuw's decisions to take their husband's name as a gesture of family and unity are not a sign of weak commitment, they're a touching gesture (and a sacrifice, by your perspective) that reinforces that it's a silly thing to take a stand on. From my perspective, taking a defiant stand and refusing to take your husband's last name (a small and relatively trivial matter) just because you're a stubborn teenager, when he prefers you to is a sign of weak commitment, so chew on that.

 

[christina30]

Yeah, because that's a reasonable interpretation of what she said.

I think MaryJns & ASuw's posts are spot on mature and romantic.

Why in THE HELL would a husband take his wife's last name? Why? The cultural standard is for the woman to take the man's last name if anyone's taking anyone else's last name - that should be it. Creating a new last name is really really really stupid and totally divergent from what traditions our culture has established, and just confusing and is potentially harmful to the strength of family tradition and identity.

MaryJns & ASuw's decisions to take their husband's name as a gesture of family and unity are not a sign of weak commitment, they're a touching gesture (and a sacrifice, by your perspective) that reinforces that it's a silly thing to take a stand on. From my perspective, taking a defiant stand and refusing to take your husband's last name (a small and relatively trivial matter) just because you're a stubborn teenager, when he prefers you to is a sign of weak commitment, so chew on that.

Sure, but the implication that someone who chooses NOT to change their last name is somehow less committed to their husband is equally as stupid.

So what if it's the cultural standard? Cultural standards also used to say that women shouldn't work, period. Or that women shouldn't vote. Should we go back to those, because why the HELL would we do it differently from what society dictates?!

I, for one, will be keeping my last name. If other women want to change theirs, that's their business - but no one's going to tell me that I'm somehow wrong/avoiding commitment by not doing the same.

 

[dpmd]

Why in THE HELL would a husband take his wife's last name?

Perhaps he is mature enough to understand that not all traditions need to be blindly followed, and romantic enough to be willing to make the touching and loving gesture signifying family unity (although his daily actions towards me will signify this with much more importance)

Creating a new last name is really really really stupid and totally divergent from what traditions our culture has established, and just confusing and is potentially harmful to the strength of family tradition and identity.

I don't understand how this is harmful to the strength of family tradition. If a woman changes her last name she is no less a member of her extended family. If a man changes his name, the same principle applies. Their participation in the lives of those family members is what defines them as family. If they never see or talk to each other, but share the same last name, it doesn't magically unify them.

From my perspective, taking a defiant stand and refusing to take your husband's last name (a small and relatively trivial matter) just because you're a stubborn teenager, when he prefers you to is a sign of weak commitment, so chew on that.

From my perspective, his preferences are not automatically more important than mine. If our preferences don't align, I think it is important to be able to discuss things and make a decision as a couple. I was fortunate to have a partner who recognized that a name was not a trivial matter to me. I had personal reasons for desiring to keep my name, and well as laziness reasons. He had no preference regarding names, and in fact was even willing to change his name if that would please me. In the end, we decided there was no compelling reason for anyone to change their name. It has not lessened our commitment to each other in the slightest.

 

[JeffLebowski]

Why in THE HELL would a husband take his wife's last name?

Perhaps he is mature enough to understand that not all traditions need to be blindly followed, and romantic enough to be willing to make the touching and loving gesture signifying family unity (although his daily actions towards me will signify this with much more importance)

Creating a new last name is really really really stupid and totally divergent from what traditions our culture has established, and just confusing and is potentially harmful to the strength of family tradition and identity.

I don't understand how this is harmful to the strength of family tradition. If a woman changes her last name she is no less a member of her extended family. If a man changes his name, the same principle applies. Their participation in the lives of those family members is what defines them as family. If they never see or talk to each other, but share the same last name, it doesn't magically unify them.

From my perspective, taking a defiant stand and refusing to take your husband's last name (a small and relatively trivial matter) just because you're a stubborn teenager, when he prefers you to is a sign of weak commitment, so chew on that.

From my perspective, his preferences are not automatically more important than mine. If our preferences don't align, I think it is important to be able to discuss things and make a decision as a couple. I was fortunate to have a partner who recognized that a name was not a trivial matter to me. I had personal reasons for desiring to keep my name, and well as laziness reasons. He had no preference regarding names, and in fact was even willing to change his name if that would please me. In the end, we decided there was no compelling reason for anyone to change their name. It has not lessened our commitment to each other in the slightest.

Hey, do what you want I really don't care what your story is - I just don't want women who choose to take their husbands' names to be criticized for it just because some militant slice of the female population thinks everything that happens to require anything less than total equality in every little part of every relationship is horribly horribly degrading and oppressive.

 

[christina30]

Hey, do what you want I really don't care what your story is - I just don't want women who choose to take their husbands' names to be criticized for it just because some militant slice of the female population thinks everything that happens to require anything less than total equality in every little part of every relationship is horribly horribly degrading and oppressive.

No one was being criticized, so unbunch your panties. The only criticism happening was that women who DID choose to change their names seems to imply that those who choose not to aren't in it for the long haul/avoiding commitment. We all know thats a load of BS.

Countering that the same argument could be made for men to change THEIR name doesn't qualify as criticism - it's logic. Why should the women be forced to publicly show her commitment via a legal change of her name, but not a man?

Here's a hint: "Because that's what society says/is culturally-acceptable" is not the answer.

 

[GoLytely]

Quite frankly I'd feel as if I'd created a screwed-up family if it had all these different last names in it. And, though it's silly in theory, I WOULD feel more distant from my wife, as if she hadn't devoted herself to me entirely, e.g. was still holding out with one foot into our marriage.

Women ought to stop and think, on occasion, before fighting as hard as they can ON PRINCIPLE (because, let's face it, that's why it's usually done) to have every difference in societal treatment of men versus women eliminated.

Every woman reading this board is far too career-driven and successful to appreciate this, but I know dozens of women (small town women, of course) who outright hate the fact that it's not even considered a respectable OPTION for a woman to stay at home with her kids anymore. Now y'all are forced to pull off the spectacular trick of being pregnant and raising kids....all while working alongside men.

They're also forfeiting their lofty chunk of extra life enjoyed by the prior generation of women (anyone else notice that they're all 90 with long-deceased husbands?) by beating themselves down physically with stress. Depression has gone up among women in convincing linear relation to a woman's "right" to be societally indistinguishable from a man. It's no longer a given that a woman will get the kids in a divorce settlement, and if you tell one she's beautiful you may end up in the back seat of a cop car (has never happened to me personally, because I'm frankly afraid to say anything alluding to the fact that a woman is, well, a woman).

Women: Continue on this path, and soon men will be able to 1. punch you in the face without adverse consequence, 2. let doors close in your face, and 3. call you "dude" and "man" and playfully smack you in the head like their long lost frat brother. Be mindful of the courteous treatment men are trying to bestow upon you, rather than hating it. If you weren't so sensitive to being treated as "lesser people," you might realize that to most men, having a woman take their last name can be an enormous source of solidarity in a relationship, something big that changes upon your wedding day and signifies your commitment to each other and to the entire family.

 

[christina30]

Quite frankly I'd feel as if I'd created a screwed-up family if it had all these different last names in it. And, though it's silly in theory, I WOULD feel more distant from my wife, as if she hadn't devoted herself to me entirely, e.g. was still holding out with one foot into our marriage.

Women ought to stop and think, on occasion, before fighting as hard as they can ON PRINCIPLE (because, let's face it, that's why it's usually done) to have every difference in societal treatment of men versus women eliminated.

Every woman reading this board is far too career-driven and successful to appreciate this, but I know dozens of women (small town women, of course) who outright hate the fact that it's not even considered a respectable OPTION for a woman to stay at home with her kids anymore. Now y'all are forced to pull off the spectacular trick of being pregnant and raising kids....all while working alongside men.

They're also forfeiting their lofty chunk of extra life enjoyed by the prior generation of women (anyone else notice that they're all 90 with long-deceased husbands?) by beating themselves down physically with stress. Depression has gone up among women in convincing linear relation to a woman's "right" to be societally indistinguishable from a man. It's no longer a given that a woman will get the kids in a divorce settlement, and if you tell one she's beautiful you may end up in the back seat of a cop car (has never happened to me personally, because I'm frankly afraid to say anything alluding to the fact that a woman is, well, a woman).

Women: Continue on this path, and soon men will be able to 1. punch you in the face without adverse consequence, 2. let doors close in your face, and 3. call you "dude" and "man" and playfully smack you in the head like their long lost frat brother. Be mindful of the courteous treatment men are trying to bestow upon you, rather than hating it. If you weren't so sensitive to being treated as "lesser people," you might realize that to most men, having a woman take their last name can be an enormous source of solidarity in a relationship, something big that changes upon your wedding day and signifies your commitment to each other and to the entire family.

And why, then, is it up to the woman to change her name to "show complete devotion" to you? Why shouldn't men be expected to give up something important like their name in order to show devotion to his wife? Commitment and devotion go both ways, and you're wrong for thinking a woman must publicly display this undying devotion to you without anything in return. Simply saying "I do" should be enough for both parties - if a name is a deal-breaker, then you're probably insecure about said relationship

And for the record: just because a woman doesn't change her name legally doesn't mean all that much - in social situations, she will still be referred to as "Mrs. <husband's last name>"


1. Last time I checked, men were still "able" to punch females in the face, and do. And any human being who punches another human being in the face, regardless of sex, will face adverse consequences. That is a ridiculous example. Assault is assault.

 

[Staradmiral]

Personally i believe a married man and woman should share their last name. It expresses their union. Its not Mrs. Smith and Mr. Thompson. That gives me the impression that this is just two people living together. Mrs. and mr. thompson represents a union of the two. They become inseparable. They are one.

Adopt the last name represents possession. Men feel the need to possess, to possess their woman and their kids. It is a symbol. She becomes my wife, my woman, my girl.

The whole Hyphen thing is weird. How do you name the kids? Sam Smith-Thompson. What if they marry someone who also has a hyphen? The whole things gets pretty rediculous.

If my girl refused to take my name I would feel like she is not ready to become one with me. Its like a sign of a hostility. Its like she does want to be mine. I don't want us to just be two people living together, each with our own possession, our own food, each with our own car. ALL the possession become both of ours. Both cars are ours. all the food is ours. etc.

Personally i dont get the whole independent woman thing. I WANT to be dependent on my wife. I want her to depend on me. If were both independent and just fine without each other then wtf holds us together? Its no wonder the divorce rate among independent woman is over 60%.

 

[dpmd]

If were both independent and just fine without each other then wtf holds us together?.

Love, respect, desire, mutual interests, enjoying the companionship of the other partner. I don't need my husband for anything besides the enjoyment I get from his company (and it's nice not having to do all the housework myself), just like he doesn't need me. We can however rely on each other to make each others lives easier whenever possible. If they didn't have the aforementioned things, I think it would be very sad for those stuck in a marriage because of dependence. At least you are honest in admitting you want her to change her name so she can be your possesion. If you find a like minded woman to marry, great. I wish you both happiness.

 

[GoLytely]

Love, respect, desire, mutual interests, enjoying the companionship of the other partner. I don't need my husband for anything besides the enjoyment I get from his company (and it's nice not having to do all the housework myself), just like he doesn't need me. We can however rely on each other to make each others lives easier whenever possible. If they didn't have the aforementioned things, I think it would be very sad for those stuck in a marriage because of dependence. At least you are honest in admitting you want her to change her name so she can be your possesion. If you find a like minded woman to marry, great. I wish you both happiness.

This is a sad state of affairs, masquerading as "progressiveness." This is precisely why half of marriages don't last these days. Because people go in with the attitude that they're fine without each other, and as soon as the going gets rough they get divorced rather than trying to work through it and learn from their difficulties.

 

[christina30]

This is a sad state of affairs, masquerading as "progressiveness." This is precisely why half of marriages don't last these days. Because people go in with the attitude that they're fine without each other, and as soon as the going gets rough they get divorced rather than trying to work through it and learn from their difficulties.

She's not saying that they're necessarily "fine" without one another, but that they're not "dependent" on one another. It's a much sadder state of affirs, imho, if someone, male or female, must stay in the marriage simply because they are entirely dependent on the other party, whether it be financially or otherwise.

If you think that comes simply from a woman refusing to change her name, for whatever reason it may be, that's your problem. I do hope you find a woman who feels the way you do, of course. But you're not changing our minds. But for any man to say that it's because you feel a need to "possess" your wife, that's ridiculous and really sexist imho.

 

[Staradmiral]

This is a sad state of affairs, masquerading as "progressiveness." This is precisely why half of marriages don't last these days. Because people go in with the attitude that they're fine without each other, and as soon as the going gets rough they get divorced rather than trying to work through it and learn from their difficulties.

I must agree. "independent" women have incredibly high divorce rates. Independent men and woman are more likely to cheat. The whole independence movement means nothing but disaster. Dependence holds families together, instead of becoming some sort of brady bunch scenario.

 

[rvali001]

Hey! I've been reading thru this thread an you guys have great ideas about changing names, but I dont know what to do!! My fiancee and I want to get married during dental school between the 2 boards I have to take b/c that's when I have the most vacation time to plan it. Is there a chance that I can run in to legal problems b/c I took one exam w/ my name and the other w/ his name?

Also, I'm on the fence whether to change my name or not. My current name is my dead beat father's and I don't think he deserves his name to come out w/ Dr. attached to it, but, it is a pretty name and I've worked my butt off to get to where I am w/ that name and I want sumthing to show for it. On the hand, my future husband's name is really ugly and it sounds hideous w/ my first name. He's a really traditional guy and it would mean the world to him if I changed my name. My fiancee and I already discussed this and he said if I hyphenate he is not paying for the wedding. So basically, I am stuck b/w a rock and a hard place.

Do u guys have any advice for me? PLEASE!!!

 

[xscpx]

I changed my name. I have had no problems whatsoever. This is not something new and everything from applications, to degrees, etc are very accommodating and have places for previous names.


I also find it a bit insulting that it seems to be a general consensus that a woman who takes her husband's last name is somehow not independent or not "strong".

 

[DrMed2009]

..

 

[GoodMonkey]

i'm a physician and my husband is a phd. we each have multiple publications in our chosen fields (and i'm licensed in my maiden name) ... so we each kept our own surnames, but added an extra middle name. this name was generated from letters in each of our two last names (3 letters from his last name, 3 from mine.) this is also the surname we are going to give to our kids.

this gives us the common name somewhere in there to feel like a united family, but also cuts WAY down on the logistic hassles inherent to name changes in each of our fields. and if, socially, people call us Mrs/Mr Newname, that's fine with us.

TL;DR:
my name: Dr. First Middle New Last
his name: Dr. First Middle New Last
kids potential names: First Middle New.

lots of options out there, folks. choose the one that works best for you and your spouse and doesn't leave anyone feeling marginalized.

 

[touchadream]

I changed my name when I got married and my daughters have that last name.

I want to go by Dr. MaidenName, though. I have no idea how to do this. For licensing purposes, it looks like your ID, SSN names all need to match. So I actually think if I do this, I need to change my name back!! Weird, huh?

I want to be Mrs. MarriedName for everything the way I am now - except for work. There are several reasons, but frankly I just like my maiden name better. It's easier to pronounce. And I don't want patients to be able to find my home number in the phone book, but my married name is uncommon and my husband needs to have his name listed for his job.

Has anyone ever changed their name back (and not because of a divorce! LOL)? I have no idea where to start with this. I'm starting medical school in August - should I do it before I matriculate (I applied with my current, legal married name), after I graduate, after residency??

See the "stressed about changing name" thread, good info there. The law, although I can't give you legal advice here, is pretty clear now that you can call yourself any name you like so long as you don't do it to defraud anyone, like creditors. The process will be in the state where you live and you may need to get that piece of paper just to make your life easier, so it may be routine, or maybe a brief court or clerk hearing. Your state vital records office can help you. Its confusing to people to use Dr. this and then Mrs or Ms. that, but its totally up to you. You might find my story interesting on the other thread, since I have a long experience with this...

 

[Aeryn]

I'm unsure what to do in my situation. I'm about to start a premed degree as a nontrad student & I'm already married. I also had a hard-to-pronounce European last name, so I took my husband's name of Miller. Stupid idea because there are about 10000 women in the country with my exact same name and thousands of Dr. Millers around. I'm thinking of going back to my maiden name, or even my mom's maiden name. Ellis Island changed Dad's surname so it's not even accurate. Mom is of Canadian Aboriginal descent so her name didn't get screwed with, and it's not common either.

 

[Mahliah]

No, I will not. Stupid as it may sound lol I love my name, it flows together. I cant imagine it being anything else.

 

[Telekinesis]

Chilvary is dead...and women killed it. This progressive movement hasn't caused anything positive. Let's think for a minute. Divorces are higher nowadays, people quit trying to work things out and are quick to divorce each other. My mom gladly took my father's name, not because he felt like he owned her or she wanted to please them. To represent the fact that they are a union. He's her husband, she's his wife. Women these days seem to want the best of both worlds: You want to be treated like a queen but at the same time you want "equal" treatment?

I'm not saying independence is a bad thing. Just saying that women don't know when to and when not to be strong and independent. Aint nothing wrong with a lady who chooses to be a housemom. Some women want that. Aint nothing wrong with being a working lady. But to say you won't take your husband's last name because your maiden name sounds "better" or you don't want to have to change all your licenses is ridiculous IMO. Cause face it, if you truly loved someone you would go through the inconvience GLADLY and without doubt.

 

[dpmd]

Cause face it, if you truly loved someone you would go through the inconvience GLADLY and without doubt.

Would you change your last name to hers if she asked? You would want to show your unity and love, right, so the inconvenience would be worth it, right?

 

[Telekinesis]

Would you change your last name to hers if she asked? You would want to show your unity and love, right, so the inconvenience would be worth it, right?

The difference there is culture. It's not culturally acceptable for a man to change his name in America. It is in some countries so why would you go left field and do something totally against the norm.

Her changing her name to mine symbolizes a new family. The wife leaves everything behind and so does the man to create a new union. I would change my name to hers if it were culturally relevant and acceptable. It's not though so that shouldnt even be an option.

 

[dpmd]

Actually men can change their name in America for any reason (as long as it isn't an attempt to defraud). Doing so for marriage shouldn't be considered unacceptable unless the idea is that the name changes signifies submission or something which is only appropriate for the woman.

 

[touchadream]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Supreme Court Justice, years ago started or belonged to organization called "Center for a Woman's Own Name.' Legally you can be known by any name you choose, even outlandish, unrelated ones (think movie stars) so long as you are not defrauding creditors or anyone else. Aliases for illegal purposes are frowned upon. A Dr. Her Name and a Mrs. His Name is perfectly acceptable if you are comfortable and can sustain the explaining. I kept my name 30 years ago, still have it and know when a salesperson is calling because they will call me Mrs. His Name. I care a lot less now, but my kids think its normal. Both my sisters, one a doctor, kept their names, and changed many years later in mid forties to Dr. His Name, and Mrs. His Name. Don't know exactly why. One sister wrote some bodice ripper romances under her birth name and perhaps doesn't want her young son to find them too soon! Dr. Sister, I think, wants to have her kids names, now they are away from home. We need a psychologist/psychiatrist to weigh in here, don't you think? But, rest assured, legally you should be ok. Still interesting to me that MOST men don't wrestle with these issues. Patrilineal society is what we live in, matrilinial are more rare, but do exist on theory that only mother's lineage can be proved in primitive societies, and today only with tests! Tough social change to make since it hasn't happened in my 30 years of waiting. Anyone else see the inequity I am seeing here, just in forum topics?

 

[Telekinesis]

Actually men can change their name in America for any reason (as long as it isn't an attempt to defraud). Doing so for marriage shouldn't be considered unacceptable unless the idea is that the name changes signifies submission or something which is only appropriate for the woman.

Culturally a man is seen as weak if he decides to take her name.