Ladies, will you change your last name after marriage?

[Avant]

Well said. Funny thing is, if the man says he'll relax home, clean the house, and raise the kids while the woman works to make money, most women won't stand for it.

It sounds like you haven't talked to the many female med students, residents, and attendings who have SAH husbands. I know many, which makes for good support for me and my husband as he stays at home with our kids. But he could ask my brother, who also stays home with his kids while his wife maintains a busy asthma/allergy practice. Or one of my best friends, who is home with his infant daughter while his wife does her surgery residency. It's not that rare in medicine.

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[QbaLibre]

I plan on changing my name to my husband's eventually, after we have our official (hindu) wedding ceremony... we've been married for months already legally, but I'll change it later. I share a last name with a rather hated Cuban dictator, so I'll be glad to get a name that's less... dictator-y. I had to think about it a lot though, since my hispanic name is part of my identity as a latina, and I'll lose that little part with an Indian last name.

 

[Concordia]

Some people are just attached to their last names. Maybe it's the unique family history or they just like them or they feel that their name is a large part of their identity.
I like my last name, and I don't want to change it because of some tradition. I don't think that it makes me a rabid feminist who is out to emasculate every man in her way.

 

[scarletgirl777]

Your point of view is irrelevant for many reasons, including your sex, your support of keeping your last name and your idealistic notions that do not jive with the real world.

If you were a man, who was objective about the issue then your opinion would be valid.

I don't understand your strong feelings on this. Are you aware that in America, many women with considerable social power or accomplishments (example: executives or prolific researchers) keep their names? When you have a new name it's like starting over because your colleagues in the general field who are not that close to you may not realize that Amy Briggs and Amy Brown are the same person and have the same body of work. When you build an image of yourself as a professional, it always makes things more complicated for you to carry that image and respect to your new name. And what does it mean to be emasculated? Is masculinity defined by your wife's name? This opinion is really not in line with what most of educated America is thinking right now--can't speak for Canada or other countries, but this is definitely not the case here.

 

[ForbiddenComma]

Just like a woman with no self-esteem, always trying to fix things in others when she really wishes she could fix what's ailing her deep inside.

Wow, I just can't wait to see how well you treat your female patients.

 

[mdgirl530]

I am torn about this subject. I am not that in love with my last name because for one it is Spanish and no one can pronounce it correctly. On the other hand in the history of the (last name) family no has ever been a doctor - most never even made it to college. I feel some obligation to my family after all their support to be Dr. (last name). My married name will be American, common, and easy to pronounce. However, I feel that by getting married it is important to join together as one family and I would like to have the same last name as my kids someday. I remain undecided....

 

[HurricaneKatt]

The only reason I would Not change my last name is if I didn't like the name, and then I would may or may not try to get him to change it to mine.
i.e. last names like: McDonalds, Mayo, Doof...stuff like that... (no offense if anyone has any of those last names)

 

[Decepticon]

Agree 100%..But also, as you mentioned, a person really needs to sit back and analyze their future career and non-career aspirations and determine if marriage/long-term relationship are one of those.. For me though, I dont really see myself being married in the next 20 years or so, simply because it doesnt fall into any of my personal goals, which I guess can be construed as selfish, but screw the haters

Career wise, isn't it a faux pas to not marry, in the USofA? The US strikes me as a pretty rigid culture, where you better have a couple of kids and a dog before turning 25, otherwise you will be a social outcast.

Conversely, in some regions of Europe, half the people getting kids aren't opting for marriage anymore, but civil unions.

And the single population is ever-increasing.

 

[Geekchick921]

Why is it okay to hit another man but not a woman?

Because you look like a coward who feels the need to validate his masculinity by striking a member of the traditionally "weaker" sex. But really, if you hit me, not only would I beat the bejesus out of you, but so would any man that I'm close to, including my physically imposing husband.

Anyway, getting back to the OP, I'm married now, and changing your name is a royal PITA, and while that usually isn't why married women that decide to keep their maiden names choose not to change them, I can understand. You have to go to every different place (social security office, DMV, work, bank, school, etc.) separately, and they want a copy of your marriage certificate (actually, they usually want to see the original and then make a copy of it) and possibly your new social security card, and it's just a lot of annoying red-tape crap that is frustrating as all get-out. That said... I'm almost done, thank God. And to reiterate, I will be Dr. Marriedname.

 

[FreshOffTheBoat]

no. women where i am from dont change their last names. it is their identity, their lineage, their pride. i would never even consider a change. all that matters is the children have fathers last name.

 

[dragonfly99]

Oh, I don't think it matters.
I like my last name.
If his name is really cool then I might change mine, if it's not too inconvenient in terms of my professional life.

 

[MsKrispyKreme]

I doubt if I'll ever get married, but nope -- I wouldn't change my last name.

 

[MilesMayhem]

Good for you. Doesn't change the fact that you look like less of a man because your wife doesn't respect you enough to maintain tradition that is institutionalized in every aspect of our culture.

I am so dumb, I didn't even know that. Thanks!

That just seems very selfish of her and passive of you to allow.

Yeah, she probably does it for herself, not for him. Why do you have anything against that?

I didn't create the system, but this is instituional, not just cultural. That's why it is such a bureacratic headache to have her keep her father's last name instead of taking yours.

What problems are you facing?

 

[DrBubbles]

I actually feel a bit disappointed at the judgment going on in this thread. Since we, as individuals, decide how we react to situations, why not allow others to make their own decisions without making them feel bad about it, and accept that people have different viewpoints? And that success, happiness, nirvana, or whatever our unique goals are can be achieved in different ways?

Anyhow, here's my take:

I see it as a practical thing.

I would actually love to take my boyfriend's last name if we get married.

1. However, if it's not till after I take step IIs, then my names will start to mismatch on documents.
2. Additionally, I'm already networking with physicians and community members involved in healthcare, and I firmly believe they wouldn't be as likely to read an email from me or answer a phone call if it didn't have my name in the email address. I want them to recognize me when I apply for residency and/or positions in the future.
3. Thirdly, I think it's valuable to network with people from my past as well, and they will never find me if I don't keep my name in the last name somewhere.
4. He's going to be a physician too, so there is no reason why we should take my name over his.
5. Both of us have physician parents, so neither of us has a strong feeling of "I earned this," or "I want to be the first Dr. Lastname."

I'm not opposed to hyphenating, although the idea doesn't excite me. I would really like to take his name, but I don't know how to keep my connections so that we can be more successful together. And I want to keep my middle name because it's the name my mother chose for me (my father chose my first name), and now that she's passed away I wish to honor her choice for me. I'm leaning towards having four names; I just haven't figured out how I want them arranged yet. If and when the time comes, I'm sure we'll work it out together so that we can be the best individually and as a couple.

Any suggestions? Advice?

 

[listeriaismfb]

I actually feel a bit disappointed at the judgment going on in this thread. Since we, as individuals, decide how we react to situations, why not allow others to make their own decisions without making them feel bad about it, and accept that people have different viewpoints? And that success, happiness, nirvana, or whatever our unique goals are can be achieved in different ways?

Anyhow, here's my take:

I see it as a practical thing.

I would actually love to take my boyfriend's last name if we get married.

1. However, if it's not till after I take step IIs, then my names will start to mismatch on documents.
2. Additionally, I'm already networking with physicians and community members involved in healthcare, and I firmly believe they wouldn't be as likely to read an email from me or answer a phone call if it didn't have my name in the email address. I want them to recognize me when I apply for residency and/or positions in the future.
3. Thirdly, I think it's valuable to network with people from my past as well, and they will never find me if I don't keep my name in the last name somewhere.
4. He's going to be a physician too, so there is no reason why we should take my name over his.
5. Both of us have physician parents, so neither of us has a strong feeling of "I earned this," or "I want to be the first Dr. Lastname."

I'm not opposed to hyphenating, although the idea doesn't excite me. I would really like to take his name, but I don't know how to keep my connections so that we can be more successful together. And I want to keep my middle name because it's the name my mother chose for me (my father chose my first name), and now that she's passed away I wish to honor her choice for me. I'm leaning towards having four names; I just haven't figured out how I want them arranged yet. If and when the time comes, I'm sure we'll work it out together so that we can be the best individually and as a couple.

Any suggestions? Advice?

My husband (then fiancee) was warned well before my Step I test, once I began the series I was tied to this name permanently, for the #1 reason above. Hyphenating does not prevent problems with finding documents, etc. We got married after Step II, so I told him if he wants to have a Dr. in front of his name he should go to med school He got over it because he loves me

The kids have his last name, and now that I am published a name change is all but impossible.

 

[dunnnote]

For me, yes. it's a symbol of marital relationship.

 

[Mozart45]

I think I will keep my last name when I get married just because it will be more convenient and I like it, but will definitely make sure any children would have my husbands last name. Hyphenating is a good option for some people, but my mom hyphenated her name when she married and still has trouble with people getting her name correct in documents, or leaving one of the names out.

 

[IcanSEEanOD]

.

 

[Dr.Millisevert]

I know this really isn't the question, but has anyone considered not naming their children with their husbands last name? No one seems to even question why men are more deserving to have their children named after them. I'm sure it made sense in the past, but it doesn't make much sense now. I know in my situation my dad is a horrible man, as well as my grandfather, and I absolutely hate that I have their last name, and have to answer to it, write it down, be associated with them, and so on. I know this isn't the case for every couple, but normally the father is minimally involved in the child's life, but it is their name the child carries with them and passes on (if they are a man). I really wish more women would think more about passing on their own name.

First of all.. wow. I'm sorry you seemed to have had such a bad experience with the men in your life.

You may be happy with having children on your own as a single parent.... I don't know. However, I will tell you (from a man's perspective)... I wouldn't be very interested in marrying a woman who refused to take my family name and wanted to give our children her family name and not mine. It would most likely make me feel like I had even less to do with their upbringing and make me feel less attached as their father. I can't say that every man would feel that way... but I might.

I wouldn't be opposed to a family name hyphenation. However, "I feel" that the entire purpose of a "family name" is that everyone who is included in that family would have the same "family name"... hence the word "family name".

It makes you feel as though you are part of the family and more included when everyone has this (a family name) in common.

I don't ever want to be questioned (or to have to question myself) about being my child's father or not. If I am going to accept a child as my son or daughter... they are going to have my family name... and I am going to be sure they are mine.

Maybe we should just paternity test all children before the father is allowed to put his name on the birth certificate.

 

[McGillGrad]

So which one is it? Is a man a coward for hitting a woman or can women take care of themselves, like you hallucinate that you could?

This is the schizophrenia infecting modern post-feminist female thinking that is going to result in a situation to the detriment of woman, as a whole. The mere fact that you invoked your husband as a protector negates any post-feminist argument you could muster.

Because you look like a coward who feels the need to validate his masculinity by striking a member of the traditionally "weaker" sex. But really, if you hit me, not only would I beat the bejesus out of you, but so would any man that I'm close to, including my physically imposing husband.

 

[cozycleo]

First of all.. wow. I'm sorry you seemed to have had such a bad experience with the men in your life.

You may be happy with having children on your own as a single parent.... I don't know. However, I will tell you (from a man's perspective)... I wouldn't be very interested in marrying a woman who refused to take my family name and wanted to give our children her family name and not mine. It would most likely make me feel like I had even less to do with their upbringing and make me feel less attached as their father. I can't say that every man would feel that way... but I might.

I wouldn't be opposed to a family name hyphenation. However, "I feel" that the entire purpose of a "family name" is that everyone who is included in that family would have the same "family name"... hence the word "family name".

It makes you feel as though you are part of the family and more included when everyone has this (a family name) in common.

I don't ever want to be questioned (or to have to question myself) about being my child's father or not. If I am going to accept a child as my son or daughter... they are going to have my family name... and I am going to be sure they are mine.

Maybe we should just paternity test all children before the father is allowed to put his name on the birth certificate.

My husband said basically the same thing.

I did change my name, but I kept my maiden name as a second middle name. So I have two middle initials these days, but when there is only space for one initial, I use my first middle name.

We went several rounds on the name change issue, and even when I thought about hyphenating my name, I told him I would never think of hyphenating my children's names and they would just have his name. But then he felt that the kids would be confused later on when mom has one last name and dad has another. We had the discussion for months, but we eventually agreed on moving my maiden name to a middle name and I've been happy with that decision ever since.

As to the (future) kids' names, they will most definitely carry his last name. But I told him my vote matters more on the first names. He's not sure he agrees with that, but we'll hash that out when the time comes.

 

[MacBook]

Absolutely! Cozycleo thank you for your post.

It's quite pricey to get it done here actually and quite a pain as well. A lot of forms and cards that require changing. From a women's perspective this time, I really like what Cozycleo posted and agree 100% with what he mentioned. I think at the end of the day, to me the family would feel more as whole if we shared the same last name. Might have been brought up old fashioned, I don't know but to me it only makes sense.

 

[dragonfly99]

Wow.
I'm actually pretty surprised that so many of the guys on here seem so attached to the notion that a woman needs to change her name when she gets married. I don't see anything wrong w/either decision (change your name vs. not) and I can certainly understand wanting the kids to have his name (or a hyphenated last name) just to avoid questions of people wondering if the kids are his, etc. However, I think the fact that some of you (guys) seem to "need" the woman to change her name is kind of surprising. It shouldn't matter what name is on her driver's license IMHO. You either love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, or you don't. I don't see what the name changing has to do with it at all. For me, it's all about the marriage ceremony and making a lifetime promise. The name's got nothing to do with it. I don't know what I'd do if I had a fiancee who was freaking out b/c it wasn't convenient for me to change my name (already being a licensed physician, etc.) or I didn't feel like it. I guess I'd wonder whether he really wanted to marry me, vs. marry some blowup doll that he could write his name on. But I guess I'm being too harsh. For some guys, it's just important to their personal identity I guess.

r.e.the "DNA testing at birth" proposition above -
If you are in a committed relationship that's going to last for life, you should be able to trust your wife and not need a DNA test to make sure the baby is yours. If you do, you need to get a new wife, and/or get counseling if the problem is paranoia on your end (LOL). Either way, you've got problems a simple DNA test won't fix.

 

[Dr.Millisevert]

r.e.the "DNA testing at birth" proposition above -
If you are in a committed relationship that's going to last for life, you should be able to trust your wife and not need a DNA test to make sure the baby is yours. If you do, you need to get a new wife, and/or get counseling if the problem is paranoia on your end (LOL). Either way, you've got problems a simple DNA test won't fix.

There are many men (even those in committed relationships) who are victims of paternity fraud.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paternity_fraud

I agree that either way you've got problems (i.e. having a patner that has cheated on you.. and a child that is not yours).. but at least knowing early rather than later will give men the right to know the truth... and give them the ability to have more control over their lives.

 

[dragonfly99]

There are many people (women and men) who are victims of cheating spouses. The data/past surveys have shown men cheat at higher rates than women.

I think if the baby is not yours, then you are NOT in a committed relationship. Committed means that neither one of you are cheating...

There are still lots and lots of folks who don't cheat on their partners, though (my parents = married x 38 years).

I agree that it is messed up to be paying for a baby that is not yours. There is more to parenthood than DNA, though. There are many women (and men) who have adopted kids that don't share their DNA, and these are "their" kids, essentially.

 

[Dr.Millisevert]

There are many people (women and men) who are victims of cheating spouses. The data/past surveys have shown men cheat at higher rates than women.

I think if the baby is not yours, then you are NOT in a committed relationship. Committed means that neither one of you are cheating...

There are still lots and lots of folks who don't cheat on their partners, though (my parents = married x 38 years).

I agree that it is messed up to be paying for a baby that is not yours. There is more to parenthood than DNA, though. There are many women (and men) who have adopted kids that don't share their DNA, and these are "their" kids, essentially.

I agree with everything you've said. Including the fact that there is more to parenthood than DNA. The only problem is that you're describing a situation in which the father willing chooses to adopt and is accepting and knowledgable of the situation.

What about when this is not the case? I still feel men have the right to know if their kids are theirs or not from the start. Why shouldn't they have access to this information? Considering the high prevalence of men unwittingly duped into fathering kids that aren't theirs.. I still think its wise to paternity test children or at least that men should have the right to request that it be done before their name gets placed on the birth certificate. Better to know now than years down the line after you've emotionally and financially invested in the child and the mother.. finding out later hurts MUCH worse I would think.

 

[nodoubt]

No. However, it's also unlikely that I will get married. Most single men my age are single because they treat women like crap, and I refuse to be some married man's mistress. And I'm not interested in women, so that doesn't leave much.

Uhm, my favorite girl scout cookies Samoa!!

 

[DrBubbles]

So, to get back on the subject of changing names after marriage, I think I've temporarily come to a decision.

If we get married before the end of my intern year, I think I'll graduate with my maiden name, and try to get my license in my married name, or at least change my license to my married name, before my career gets too underway. If it doesn't pan out, I'll probably just keep my name once my career gets started.

I know it's a bunch of paperwork and red tape, but I think it'll be worth it.

 

[mp1106]

I am torn about this subject. I am not that in love with my last name because for one it is Spanish and no one can pronounce it correctly. On the other hand in the history of the (last name) family no has ever been a doctor - most never even made it to college. I feel some obligation to my family after all their support to be Dr. (last name). My married name will be American, common, and easy to pronounce. However, I feel that by getting married it is important to join together as one family and I would like to have the same last name as my kids someday. I remain undecided....

I see your point. What about a Hyphen?

 

[mp1106]

I know this really isn't the question, but has anyone considered not naming their children with their husbands last name? No one seems to even question why men are more deserving to have their children named after them. I'm sure it made sense in the past, but it doesn't make much sense now. I know in my situation my dad is a horrible man, as well as my grandfather, and I absolutely hate that I have their last name, and have to answer to it, write it down, be associated with them, and so on. I know this isn't the case for every couple, but normally the father is minimally involved in the child's life, but it is their name the child carries with them and passes on (if they are a man). I really wish more women would think more about passing on their own name.

That is a very good question.

 

[sphelps]

Eh, it would depend on a number of factors, such as my place in life (professionally it'd be a pain to change your last name after being known under your maiden name for so long) and the last name (I don't really want to be Dr. Assmunch). I'm fond of the way my name sounds but I could live with a hyphen.

 

[yangxx2]

No, because my first and last name are the same thing.
That being said, no one has ever forgotten my name yet.

 

[McGillGrad]

Hell, how about you do it Portugese style and have like 20 names...lol

I cannot wait to see the look on your kids faces when you try to explain why they have a different last name than one of their parents.

 

[GassiusClay]

That is a very good question.

Taking the guy's last name was tradition. It actually was a symbol of a girl giving up her single identity to join a collective entity, the new family. I don't think it holds that meaning anymore, and with a lot of change in thought (feminism...perverted...cough), traditional roles of individuals in a household/relationship are considered inferior and are actually attacked by modern society.

I readily admit that I'm a conservative on many issues, but do accept many liberal ideas as long as they don't ruin the "old" way of doing things. This last name thing is only one facet of the great societal change going on. Why are there sooo many divorces now? Why are so many people having multiple partners before they are married? Why do some feel adultery is kind of cool (if you are the one enjoying it)? All of this has to be related to our view on relationships. Nowadays, we really just care to f##k and then move on when we're bored kind of like leasing a car. How many guys out there would give up a Sunday football game to spend it with their wife? How many girls out there would make dinner for your husband when he comes home from work? List goes on and on.

In my opinion, if you don't want to take his last name, it just means you don't trust him enough. That's fine. If you feel that you don't need to follow the "old" ways and submit to the relationship, then don't hide behind a hyphen. Just be honest.

 

[DrBubbles]

I'm unclear as to to why having different last names is a sign of lack of commitment, or lack of trust. If you've already established your professional reputation, it might be wiser to keep your last name. When women went to college to get their MRS, the primary aspiration was to be MRS. New Last Name. But if a woman goes to school to get her MD, then she may have a different goal in mind.

Marriage is a commitment. I don't believe your choice of last name has any relation to your level of commitment. Plenty of women who change their name find themselves or their partners in the midst of an affair, while plenty of women who keep their last names might have a healthy relationship for life.

In some cultures, the woman never changes her last name, and their children end up with the name "FirstName, Mom's last name, Dad's last name." (That's why they have big middle name's.)

It's certainly possible that there were fewer divorces previously because the woman had no way of supporting herself if she left, and now that women are becoming educated and working they can be more independent. But I don't believe that your last name reflects your trust in the relationship.

 

[McGillGrad]

Other cultures have no impact on this discussion and you can keep your professional name while changing your last name socially.

It is about tradition and family unity. When you create a family, you become one unit. That inherently presumes one last name.

If you find no reason for changing your last name, then the next step is questioning marriage, itself. What's the point of marriage if you're going to be committed and faithful? Why not common law marriage with no contract? There is no purpose if two people love each other and stay faithful....RIGHT?

I'm unclear as to to why having different last names is a sign of lack of commitment, or lack of trust. If you've already established your professional reputation, it might be wiser to keep your last name. When women went to college to get their MRS, the primary aspiration was to be MRS. New Last Name. But if a woman goes to school to get her MD, then she may have a different goal in mind.

Marriage is a commitment. I don't believe your choice of last name has any relation to your level of commitment. Plenty of women who change their name find themselves or their partners in the midst of an affair, while plenty of women who keep their last names might have a healthy relationship for life.

In some cultures, the woman never changes her last name, and their children end up with the name "FirstName, Mom's last name, Dad's last name." (That's why they have big middle name's.)

It's certainly possible that there were fewer divorces previously because the woman had no way of supporting herself if she left, and now that women are becoming educated and working they can be more independent. But I don't believe that your last name reflects your trust in the relationship.

 

[DrBubbles]

Other cultures have no impact on this discussion and you can keep your professional name while changing your last name socially.

It is about tradition and family unity. When you create a family, you become one unit. That inherently presumes one last name.

If you find no reason for changing your last name, then the next step is questioning marriage, itself. What's the point of marriage if you're going to be committed and faithful? Why not common law marriage with no contract? There is no purpose if two people love each other and stay faithful....RIGHT?

I apologize for the lapse in communication. I brought up other cultures as an example of the fact that a successful marriage doesn't have to include a unified family name. Because presumably, marriage is not about unifying your names; it's about unifying your families. (That's the traditional, historical context, anyway.)

And, to me, a family unit does not presume one last name in today's world. When children no longer stay in their hometown, and move away from family, people redefine the family unit. It could include partners, neighbors, children, friends, and friends' children. For people who can't afford a house for their family unit, the definition is again redefined.

To me, and again this is my personal definition, and yours will invariably differ, a family unit is a nuclear collection of people bound by love and commitment. Ideally that involves marriage. If not, then it doesn't. I hope it will for me.

I do hope to take my future husband's name socially. I even hope to take his name professionally, provided it doesn't hurt my professional opportunities, and thus put us both at a disadvantage. But if the smarter thing to do is keep my last name, then I will. I intend to be with my future husband for life, and to be faithful and build our lives together, regardless of how other people refer to us. Because the way we relate determines our success together, not how other people look us up in the phonebook.

 

[tr]

I cannot wait to see the look on your kids faces when you try to explain why they have a different last name than one of their parents...

It is about tradition and family unity. When you create a family, you become one unit. That inherently presumes one last name.

My mom has her own last name. We (the children) have my dad's last name. My parents have been happily married for 35 years (dare I say they have the best marriage I've seen). I never found it in any way confusing that my mom had her own last name (although I do remember thinking it funny and a bit medieval when I found out that other women had changed their names when they got married).

I did not change my last name when I got married, nor did my husband request that I do so, nor does this have one iota of negative impact on our marriage.

 

[McGillGrad]

I'm not going to associate your specialty (psychiatry) with the pop-culture notion that those with deep-rooted mental issues are attracted to psychiatry as a way to explain/control or channel their neuroses (sublimation)...BUT it is a hilarious coincidence...don't you think

To get back to the subject, you will always find exceptions to any rule. In fact, if you were from Quebec, your situation would be the norm for the vast majority of the population.

The fact remains that your situation is not the norm in the US, thus at a higher risk of causes avoidable inconveniences.

But what do I know, I’m no psychiatrist

My mom has her own last name. We (the children) have my dad's last name. My parents have been happily married for 35 years (dare I say they have the best marriage I've seen). I never found it in any way confusing that my mom had her own last name (although I do remember thinking it funny and a bit medieval when I found out that other women had changed their names when they got married).

I did not change my last name when I got married, nor did my husband request that I do so, nor does this have one iota of negative impact on our marriage.

 

[tr]

I'm not going to associate your specialty (psychiatry) with the pop-culture notion that those with deep-rooted mental issues are attracted to psychiatry as a way to explain/control or channel their neuroses (sublimation)...BUT it is a hilarious coincidence...don't you think

Not sure. What is coincidental with what exactly? Are you suggesting that the fact of my mom's having kept her last name is causally related to my choice of psychiatry as a specialty?

The fact remains that your situation is not the norm in the US, thus at a higher risk of causes avoidable inconveniences.

Not the norm among whom? When I was a kid I thought that *was* the norm, since we lived in an urban center and many of the other moms I knew had also kept their own names.

So far the only 'inconvenience' you have been able to name is that of having to 'explain' to your kids why mom kept her name. But kids (and adults) tend to assume the norm to be whatever they are exposed to. If a kid is raised by a mom who has her own name, he will be much more likely to ask why the other moms changed their names than why Mommy kept hers. Either way I doubt it will have any lasting effect on his neuropsychological development.

 

[McGillGrad]

Not sure. What is coincidental with what exactly? Are you suggesting that the fact of my mom's having kept her last name is causally related to my choice of psychiatry as a specialty?

Stop being facetious. You know exactly what I meant.

Not the norm among whom? When I was a kid I thought that *was* the norm, since we lived in an urban center and many of the other moms I knew had also kept their own names.

The norm in our society. Is there another 'norm' that you can only see? You might want to pursue the source of those delusions. [joke]

So far the only 'inconvenience' you have been able to name is that of having to 'explain' to your kids why mom kept her name. But kids (and adults) tend to assume the norm to be whatever they are exposed to. If a kid is raised by a mom who has her own name, he will be much more likely to ask why the other moms changed their names than why Mommy kept hers. Either way I doubt it will have any lasting effect on his neuropsychological development.

You would be correct if you were home schooled. Unfortunately, when these children are exposed to the prevailing societal norm, it is not what they experience at home and they realize that they are outside of the norm. It is basic social psychology. You are probably familiar with that field


All in all, you must realize that I do not care either way. I think it is a ridiculous tradition in contemporary times, but it is a tradition nonetheless. As long as this tradition is enshrined and nurtured by the prevailing institutions of our society, I won't be 'that guy' with his nuts in his wife's handbag....or whatever the average 110 IQ male will think of me.

 

[ChillyRN]

I didn't change my name, we've been married 20 years. I have a perfectly nice name and I like my surname better. It just never really occured to me to change it. Neither do I wear a wedding ring. I don't like wearing any rings, they bother me. I do wear an anniversay watch, lol. If my spousal unit cares, he has never said so. I don't recall ever asking. 20 years ago I said, "I'm not changing my last name." He said "oh, OK," and as far as I recall that was the end of the discussion. The children have hyphenated names and we are generally known as the "Smith-Jones Family." I know a lot of people who have different surnames in the family for any number of reasons. My reason is simply my own personal preference, no ideology to defend.

 

[jinx520]

I've been married 16 years, and I took my husband's name and my "first/middle" name as my legal name (dropped my maiden name). My kids all have a first middle and then his last name. After my dad died, though, I'm thinking about changing everyone's name to include my maiden name. It would be a really long name, though, since my maiden name is two words.

 

[sardina]

Hi all...I'm kind of in the middle of all this, and having a terrible time finding resources or anyone at my university who even has direct answers for me. I got married a month before med school started in 07, at which time I asked my registrar if I could keep my maiden name professionally while changing my name legally. They told me I could, so I did, even though they said it could cause some licensing hassles later, but did not specify these. I figured if they told me it was legal that there must be some procedure for dealing with this, right? No! I'm no my own here, apparently...Now it's time for me to register for Step One, and I'm running into all kinds of walls, because I need to have ID that matches the name I register, and everything except my school ID is now under my married name. My question is, I have found lots of instances online and by hearsay of people doing this, going by one name at work and keeping their married name professionally, but does anyone know how it works legally? How can I be licensed as Husbandname but use Birthname professionally, especially when I have to sign legally binding documents all the time? I realize this is something that I should have looked into more carefully at the time, but I made both the decision to get married and go to med school rather quickly, both were things I was coordinating long-distance while working two jobs, and I just didn't have time to deal with it, so I'm dealing with it now. It is very important to me to keep Birthname in there somewhere since I want to honor my adopted father who put so much sacrifice and hard work into raising me, and I will change it back or hyphenate it if I have to, since my husband is so supportive and loving, and understands my reasons for wanting to do this...I was just wondering if anyone else has been in the same boat or could point me towards some resources for dealing with this. Thanx!

 

[McGillGrad]

You have to register with whatever ID you have.

The way it actually works is that you keep your Maiden name for all ID's and gov't paperwork, but respond to your married name socially.

It doesn't work the other way due to DEA licensing issues.

Hi all...I'm kind of in the middle of all this, and having a terrible time finding resources or anyone at my university who even has direct answers for me. I got married a month before med school started in 07, at which time I asked my registrar if I could keep my maiden name professionally while changing my name legally. They told me I could, so I did, even though they said it could cause some licensing hassles later, but did not specify these. I figured if they told me it was legal that there must be some procedure for dealing with this, right? No! I'm no my own here, apparently...Now it's time for me to register for Step One, and I'm running into all kinds of walls, because I need to have ID that matches the name I register, and everything except my school ID is now under my married name. My question is, I have found lots of instances online and by hearsay of people doing this, going by one name at work and keeping their married name professionally, but does anyone know how it works legally? How can I be licensed as Husbandname but use Birthname professionally, especially when I have to sign legally binding documents all the time? I realize this is something that I should have looked into more carefully at the time, but I made both the decision to get married and go to med school rather quickly, both were things I was coordinating long-distance while working two jobs, and I just didn't have time to deal with it, so I'm dealing with it now. It is very important to me to keep Birthname in there somewhere since I want to honor my adopted father who put so much sacrifice and hard work into raising me, and I will change it back or hyphenate it if I have to, since my husband is so supportive and loving, and understands my reasons for wanting to do this...I was just wondering if anyone else has been in the same boat or could point me towards some resources for dealing with this. Thanx!

 

[DrBubbles]

Hi all...I'm kind of in the middle of all this, and having a terrible time finding resources or anyone at my university who even has direct answers for me. I got married a month before med school started in 07, at which time I asked my registrar if I could keep my maiden name professionally while changing my name legally. They told me I could, so I did, even though they said it could cause some licensing hassles later, but did not specify these. I figured if they told me it was legal that there must be some procedure for dealing with this, right? No! I'm no my own here, apparently...Now it's time for me to register for Step One, and I'm running into all kinds of walls, because I need to have ID that matches the name I register, and everything except my school ID is now under my married name. My question is, I have found lots of instances online and by hearsay of people doing this, going by one name at work and keeping their married name professionally, but does anyone know how it works legally? How can I be licensed as Husbandname but use Birthname professionally, especially when I have to sign legally binding documents all the time? I realize this is something that I should have looked into more carefully at the time, but I made both the decision to get married and go to med school rather quickly, both were things I was coordinating long-distance while working two jobs, and I just didn't have time to deal with it, so I'm dealing with it now. It is very important to me to keep Birthname in there somewhere since I want to honor my adopted father who put so much sacrifice and hard work into raising me, and I will change it back or hyphenate it if I have to, since my husband is so supportive and loving, and understands my reasons for wanting to do this...I was just wondering if anyone else has been in the same boat or could point me towards some resources for dealing with this. Thanx!

I'm not sure how to work it legally. I know of someone who is Dr. Niemann and Mrs. Newman, but I don't know if it's legally or socially.

A friend of mine tried to do what you're trying to do, and she ended up changing her legal name BACK to her maiden name. I'm not sure why, but she says it's much easier for her that way.

Hyphenating is always an option. It's a tough decision, and I'm not sure how to do it the way you'd like to, but for all the other options, luckily there's no wrong answer, just ones with more hassles.

 

[binko]

When my husband and I got our marriage license, the clerk asked what we were doing with our names and mentioned that hyphenation can cause problems on documents and stuff. She wasn't very specific about what kind of problems though.

I just kept my maiden name, although my father has the same first initial as me and is a doctor with a lot of publications, so I have kind of the opposite problem from most of the women here. I'm actually considering changing my last name to my husband's to distinguish myself professionally from my father.

If only my mother had kept her maiden name and passed it on to me, I wouldn't have this problem!

 

[mededu]

Yeah, the maiden name.

 

[Pghboy18]

Personally, I'll feel pretty crappy about it if future wife thinks it's a huge insult for her to take my name. Or that she somehow needs to make a statement by not taking my name (probably wouldn't marry someone like that anyway)

Anecdotally, it seems like I'm in the minority as every husband of every poster seems ok with it. Am I just old school in this regard?

I have a pretty common last name. Maybe I'll find someone else with same name so it won't matter.

 

[mexc]

I've been married for 5 years I would NEVER consider changing my name. I am proud of my name and my husband loves that he married a strong, independent woman!