My husband is currently receiving invitations to interviews and we have found out at a couple schools that after scheduling them, "family" is not allowed to attend the information sessions they have during the day of the interview. As a spouse, I am struggling with this for multiple reasons and need some advice on how to either move past this or find another constructive way to deal with this.
1) I am taking off work to help him drive to two of them that are 7-9 hours away because we are trying to do everything as frugal as possible given our current financial situation and trying to prepare for him to not be able to work for the next four years. He also started a new job earlier this year that has a forever long probationary period and they have given him grief about asking off work so he only asks off for a day at a time - don't even get me started on that issue. In short, I will be there for "nothing" other than to help him get there and get home and make sure he has enough rest for the interview.
2) We are also expecting our first child and I have only worked at my job for about 1 1/2 years now so any time I take off is taking away from paid time off I have for when our child arrives. Therefore, not being able to participate in anything just makes that sting a little more.
3) All the other medical schools he has accepted interviews so far allow spouses to attend the informational sessions. I understand that each medical school has a right to do things their own way, but its hard to be understanding when I know others allow it.
4) I called one of the medical schools admissions the other day - I didn't give them my name or my husband's name so they didn't know was calling. I was nice but firm in my request to see if their were exceptions for spouses. He proceeded to explain to me that the reason they don't allow "family" is because it makes other applicants feel "uncomfortable" if someone's "grandma" is there for part of the informational sessions. I don't understand how I can be compared to someone's grandmother when I am going to changing four years of my life to move away from family and friends, be a working mother who is providing our only source of income, and essentially be a single parent at times because of how busy my husband is going to be with schooling. Don't get me wrong, I am more than willing to make these sacrifices for my husband and for our future, but its a bit of a slap in the face when I am compared to other family members who will stay at home and their life will continue as normal while their family is away at school.
5) He (admissions guy) also proceeded to tell me that they have a very family friendly campus (hard to believe when it makes others feel uncomfortable for me to be there for an informational session) and that I could stop by (8 hours out of my way) and get more information (if he were to get accepted) after he gets accepted to the school and has decided to go there. This is obviously a mute point because the decision has already been made at that point and I am just seeing things after the fact. My husband and I made a commitment to each other to make decisions together and live life together. It's a bit hard to provide accurate insight and input when I only have the opportunity to hear things from my husbands perspective. Don't get me wrong, clearly he is a very smart and capable guy that I trust very much to rely information back to me, but we also have different skill sets and pieces of information we are going to be looking for through this process. I am not going to be able to attend all the interview days with him because I do not have enough time to take off work. We have made the decision that for closer schools, if we felt the need to after the interviews, to make a final decision together, we would see about setting up a separate time for me visit them if possible. However, I understand the unlikelihood that this will actually happen.
6) Quite honestly, my overall issue is that I feel disrespected as a spouse. I feel that I am "second rate" and everything I am going to be sacrificing and changing over the next four years of our lives together through this process doesn't even warrant the opportunity to attend a couple simple informational sessions. My husband is also much less assertive than I am. Therefore, it also stings a little that he wouldn't even consider the thought of asking the schools for an exception, but that if he were to get accepted he would talk to them after he was a student there. Of course, this just makes me feel like an "after-thought". I don't want him to ruin his chances of getting accepted to medical schools over something like this and I wouldn't even consider asking him to not attend the interviews, but I'm not OK with how I am being treated in this situation by the schools.
I apologize if I am coming across "whiny", that is not my intention. I'm also sure my heightened hormones are not helping me cope with this, but its hard for me to let something go when I feel very strongly about it.
Has any SO's dealt with this situation? Is this just the start of how I am going to feel about other future similar situations through this process? Any suggestions on how to handle this appropriately? Your advice and understanding is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
1) I am taking off work to help him drive to two of them that are 7-9 hours away because we are trying to do everything as frugal as possible given our current financial situation and trying to prepare for him to not be able to work for the next four years. He also started a new job earlier this year that has a forever long probationary period and they have given him grief about asking off work so he only asks off for a day at a time - don't even get me started on that issue. In short, I will be there for "nothing" other than to help him get there and get home and make sure he has enough rest for the interview.
2) We are also expecting our first child and I have only worked at my job for about 1 1/2 years now so any time I take off is taking away from paid time off I have for when our child arrives. Therefore, not being able to participate in anything just makes that sting a little more.
3) All the other medical schools he has accepted interviews so far allow spouses to attend the informational sessions. I understand that each medical school has a right to do things their own way, but its hard to be understanding when I know others allow it.
4) I called one of the medical schools admissions the other day - I didn't give them my name or my husband's name so they didn't know was calling. I was nice but firm in my request to see if their were exceptions for spouses. He proceeded to explain to me that the reason they don't allow "family" is because it makes other applicants feel "uncomfortable" if someone's "grandma" is there for part of the informational sessions. I don't understand how I can be compared to someone's grandmother when I am going to changing four years of my life to move away from family and friends, be a working mother who is providing our only source of income, and essentially be a single parent at times because of how busy my husband is going to be with schooling. Don't get me wrong, I am more than willing to make these sacrifices for my husband and for our future, but its a bit of a slap in the face when I am compared to other family members who will stay at home and their life will continue as normal while their family is away at school.
5) He (admissions guy) also proceeded to tell me that they have a very family friendly campus (hard to believe when it makes others feel uncomfortable for me to be there for an informational session) and that I could stop by (8 hours out of my way) and get more information (if he were to get accepted) after he gets accepted to the school and has decided to go there. This is obviously a mute point because the decision has already been made at that point and I am just seeing things after the fact. My husband and I made a commitment to each other to make decisions together and live life together. It's a bit hard to provide accurate insight and input when I only have the opportunity to hear things from my husbands perspective. Don't get me wrong, clearly he is a very smart and capable guy that I trust very much to rely information back to me, but we also have different skill sets and pieces of information we are going to be looking for through this process. I am not going to be able to attend all the interview days with him because I do not have enough time to take off work. We have made the decision that for closer schools, if we felt the need to after the interviews, to make a final decision together, we would see about setting up a separate time for me visit them if possible. However, I understand the unlikelihood that this will actually happen.
6) Quite honestly, my overall issue is that I feel disrespected as a spouse. I feel that I am "second rate" and everything I am going to be sacrificing and changing over the next four years of our lives together through this process doesn't even warrant the opportunity to attend a couple simple informational sessions. My husband is also much less assertive than I am. Therefore, it also stings a little that he wouldn't even consider the thought of asking the schools for an exception, but that if he were to get accepted he would talk to them after he was a student there. Of course, this just makes me feel like an "after-thought". I don't want him to ruin his chances of getting accepted to medical schools over something like this and I wouldn't even consider asking him to not attend the interviews, but I'm not OK with how I am being treated in this situation by the schools.
I apologize if I am coming across "whiny", that is not my intention. I'm also sure my heightened hormones are not helping me cope with this, but its hard for me to let something go when I feel very strongly about it.
Has any SO's dealt with this situation? Is this just the start of how I am going to feel about other future similar situations through this process? Any suggestions on how to handle this appropriately? Your advice and understanding is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
