I want a baby! But hubbie's not ready....

[nightowl]

Here's our story. We're both medical students. He's a third year, and wants to do surgery. I'm a second year, and all I know is that I want to have a family and be a doctor. I'm leaning towards primary care medicine at this point. And then maybe subspecializing, depending on circumstances. Well, the thing is, with him going into surgery, he's concerned about being really, really busy. He's also thinking that money is going to be tight, which I don't think is so much of a problem. We live in a more rural area of the south, and 35,000 goes a LONG way here! Well, he's not feeling the baby itch at all, and thinks I'm being somewhat of a "baby crazed woman".

I'm just thinking, there's never going to be a great time considering we're both in medical school, we have to money to get by, it'll just take some coupon clipping and maybe cloth diapers, etc. But we do have the money, we've saved a lot and it's there. Anyway, he's wanting to wait until he finishes his surg internship. So that puts me at my internship year. So if we wait until my 2nd year, that is almost FOUR YEARS from now!!!

Well, every time I see a baby or look at a "Parenting" magazine, which I did on my study break today (I know, bad! it only makes it worse) I think four years is so long! Wahhhh!

anyway... just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar dilemma and any advice or what have you...?

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[gwen]

honestly, that's a discussion you have to have with your husband. having said that, you are still relatively young in terms of starting a family in the 21st century. i'm 28 and now thinking about having kids. i got married at 26. i don't think i could have even imagined getting married before 25...but obviously that is different for each person. even though i dated my hubby for almost 7 years, i don't think i was mature or ready to commit to something like marriage until i basically hit 25. bringing a baby into this world is a WHOLE new set of responsibilities and i don't think most people understand it until after they have one.

i'm done with residency, have been an attending for 2 years and feel economically stable, have a house, 2 cars that are paid off, hubby is in the middle of fellowship and our only debt is from med school. i now feel ready and so does my husband. but you're right...there is no "good" time to have a kid. but there is a better time. 3rd year of med school is very tough as is internship. if i were you, i'd plan to get pregnant in the middle of 3rd year, so you can take care of your baby during 4th year. OR, i'd wait to get pregnant towards the middle-end of internship. its only 2.5 years that you would have to wait to actually get pregnant and you'd be 27.5 or 28...which is not bad at all.

let me also add that you mustn't force your husband to have a kid (i know you already agree, but please, don't listen to those other ppl). he will resent you for it if you do get pregnant "just like that". if he wants to spend time with his kids and is stuck in a tough surgery residency, he WILL resent you for surprising him.

 

[nightowl]

Thanks Gwen. I agree- getting pregnant before we both agree on the timing would be a huge mistake. My friends that suggested this are not married, so obviously they don't understand the repercussions... I agree, with surg residency being so intense, it is probably best to put it off. The problem with fourth year is that it's great for me, but terrible for him. If he's a surg intern, he'll basically miss the first year, at least. So, as much as I'm feeling the itch, I'm in agreement with you that the best time would be middle to end of residency. I'm amazed that you are completely done and have been an attending for 2 years at 28! Good luck to you with ttc, and thanks for the great advice.

 

[gwen]

you're welcome. i did a bs/md 6 year program...which is why i'm young. its nice to be able to be done with residency and work on starting a family without all the hassles...which is a benefit i never thought of when i entered the program (i just thought, guaranteed MD seat, no BS to make your CV look good just b/c, and the freedom to have an extra year of college if i chose). but an accelerated route is not for everyone...you miss out on college fun and other opportunities.

anyway, good luck to you too! and feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

 

[gwen]

sex is for procreation only? sorry, you are def. old fashioned. if people had sex every time just to procreate, there would be a hell of a lot of people on this planet.

why is it that you feel that you're "giving" sex to your husband and that therefore you deserve to have a child whether he initially wanted one or not? having sex and having a child are two very different things. it sounds a little manipulative.

 

[da me ka don]

I am about to start med school in the fall. Bf (Sorry not old enough!!!) wants to have kids in about 3 years. I will be a third year then. What will I do? Cry and run home to Daddy!!!

 

[trustwomen]

Please, please wait until you are both on the same page about this.

Getting "accidentally" pregnant by a guy who has been clear about not being ready for kids is a heinous act and one that gives all women a bad name.

 

[mededu]

if your husband wants to wait un till completing surgery internship, then may be:
he wants a baby when he is settled and can afford a better lifestyle
its not that he does not want to have a baby but, he is concerned about time issues also, that means he wants to spend qualit time with his family

therefore my suggestion to you:
you are right in your perspective to have the feeling of having a baby, but since you can give some time to it, so it would be wiser, not to let yourself taken over by your aspirations.

get well settled and all the time in this world would at your disposal.

hope it helps!

 

[AlamedaRose]

Sometimes instant emotions should be stopped for better future. I thing your husband is right. He is thinking for the better future of yours and the child. During this surgery cource period, there may be some interuptions because of the small kid for what you are demanding. So have some patience and surely it will brings a happy moment in your life. Good luck..

 

[amaprez]

Sometimes instant emotions should be stopped for better future. I thing your husband is right. He is thinking for the better future of yours and the child. During this surgery cource period, there may be some interuptions because of the small kid for what you are demanding. So have some patience and surely it will brings a happy moment in your life. Good luck..

Good job reviving a > 2 year old thread.

 

[ferning]

PM me and he'll never know

Say you used one of his "joy tissues" next to his copy jugs

 

[Go_Pokes_11]

Not trying to be harsh, but if you talk him into, or convince him to have kids now he MIGHT resent you for it later. I think both partners should be totally ready, not rushed.

 

[----x----]

I wonder if the OPs kids are in elementary school yet

 

[chocomorsel]

I met the love of my life in 1992; I was 27 and he was 32. I was a med student in his state. It was love at first site. BUT I could not finish school there. I had to go to the Carribean and come back. I went up and down the East coast (away from my family in the deep south) until Katrina happened. Then I came home; elderly 70's parents are chronically ill. They never wanted grandkids and said so constantly (two Narcissists). I survived them. I survived the Peace Corps living in a house with 6 people and two of them dying (one who i almost married) in motorcycle accidents. Then I survived this guy saying to me "I Love you, I want to spend the rest of my lief with you; but I do not want to have kids and I do not want to get married'. Liberal New Englander. I am now 50; having been loyal to someone I deeply loved but couldnt love me enough back. I am still fertile and still hoping to have children. But time is still running OUT. What was GIVEN by God has now been denied. and I am in so much debt from medical school that I must continue to work the rest of my life. No rest for the weary.

This is so sad. I am sorry for you.
How do you plan on getting pregnant at your age? IVF? And what about husband not wanting children?
I know it’s been 14 months since this post but was wondering.

 

[slowlybutshelly]

hes not my husband. yes i will probably need assistance.

This is so sad. I am sorry for you.
How do you plan on getting pregnant at your age? IVF? And what about husband not wanting children?
I know it’s been 14 months since this post but was wondering.

 

[chocomorsel]

hes not my husband. yes i will probably need assistance.

Good luck. There are lots of women in their late 40s and early 50s it seems who are defying the odds. Hope you are one of them.
I have always liked the idea of adopting and since I am almost 40 and divorcing, I likely will end up doing so.

 

[precisiongraphic]

hes not my husband. yes i will probably need assistance.

Probably need assistance???? Zero-1% chance after age 50. Sorry, without assistance I think that's another pipe dream.

 

[Olon1974]

I will be 25 soon, finished studies 2 years ago (medical first but ended up in a different field) and from there on been job hopping. Some of my peers have kids, some don't. And from what I see and read here I conclude that there isn't going to be the "right" time for having children. If you feel you are ready - go for it. Truth is, our time is limited and one always has to choose.