Accused of trying to be wonder woman

[Gliabelle]

Wow, this thread sure is a ****show of irrelevant opinions that have nothing to do with the OP's situation. She already has her kids and her husband, so "leaving the workforce after she has kids" is a moot point, as is any blather about marrying up or down. OP, I went back to college after my divorce, when my youngest kid was 8 and my oldest was 13. I spent five years getting three BS degrees with honors, and am now halfway through an MS in neurobiology, and strongly considering applying to MD/PhD programs. I am re-partnered, and my partner is a med-school-bound 2nd year biochemistry undergrad with two sons; I am largely supporting the family on a graduate scholarship, as well as various TA and RA appointments, until he graduates. A close friend finished her MD program around the time I started school, and had her first baby during her third year. She got the residency she wanted, and did a third year as chief resident, then went into private practice as a primary care physician. She just had her second child last year, the kids are beautifully bonded to her, she's a great mom, and the family is doing fabulously well. Don't let anyone's wishy-washy insecurities and discouragement hold you back from your ambitions; there are risks involved in every endeavor worth doing. Many people have surprisingly negative gut reactions to people who make choices that are different from their own, because they feel like it invalidates their choices, so you can expect to hear a lot of criticism and discouragement. Devote yourself to doing well academically, and find programs that offer financial support to assist with medical school debt. Apply for everything! The best thing about this process is that while I have always been very close with my children, they have also expressed so much pride in me and encouragement for what I'm doing that no matter how discouraged I feel sometimes, especially by social attitudes (just this week a colleague asked me to babysit for him on Friday because his wife is out of town!) my children's admiration and love drives me to keep pushing forward to accomplish my goals. Anyway, that was a really long-winded way of saying that you can definitely do this, and your children not only won't suffer but there is research that strongly indicates that your successful pursuit of your goals will result in them, too, pursuing higher ambitions.

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[DrCommonSense]

Having a job does not equal to abandoning your kids. You can choose a speciality that has better hours if your worried. Family practice, dermatology, or others. Ik alot of women who worry about family and being a doctor, but its manageable. My mom doubts me all the time on my decisions because she worries, and i think thats all it is. I think you should keep going.

I wouldn't count on derm in any plans

 

[DrCommonSense]

Wow, this thread sure is a ****show of irrelevant opinions that have nothing to do with the OP's situation. She already has her kids and her husband, so "leaving the workforce after she has kids" is a moot point, as is any blather about marrying up or down. OP, I went back to college after my divorce, when my youngest kid was 8 and my oldest was 13. I spent five years getting three BS degrees with honors, and am now halfway through an MS in neurobiology, and strongly considering applying to MD/PhD programs. I am re-partnered, and my partner is a med-school-bound 2nd year biochemistry undergrad with two sons; I am largely supporting the family on a graduate scholarship, as well as various TA and RA appointments, until he graduates. A close friend finished her MD program around the time I started school, and had her first baby during her third year. She got the residency she wanted, and did a third year as chief resident, then went into private practice as a primary care physician. She just had her second child last year, the kids are beautifully bonded to her, she's a great mom, and the family is doing fabulously well. Don't let anyone's wishy-washy insecurities and discouragement hold you back from your ambitions; there are risks involved in every endeavor worth doing. Many people have surprisingly negative gut reactions to people who make choices that are different from their own, because they feel like it invalidates their choices, so you can expect to hear a lot of criticism and discouragement. Devote yourself to doing well academically, and find programs that offer financial support to assist with medical school debt. Apply for everything! The best thing about this process is that while I have always been very close with my children, they have also expressed so much pride in me and encouragement for what I'm doing that no matter how discouraged I feel sometimes, especially by social attitudes (just this week a colleague asked me to babysit for him on Friday because his wife is out of town!) my children's admiration and love drives me to keep pushing forward to accomplish my goals. Anyway, that was a really long-winded way of saying that you can definitely do this, and your children not only won't suffer but there is research that strongly indicates that your successful pursuit of your goals will result in them, too, pursuing higher ambitions.

You have kids that are 8 and 13 with only being in a masters program? How old are you at this point?

I also assume you have zero assets and most likely a decent amount of debt.

If you are in the mid-late 30s before even starting an MD/PHD program, you would be mid 40s before getting out even into a residency with huge debts.

How would you ever pay down your loans? This is considering you never get sick or have any hiccups along the way.

These stories on here are NOT practical from a financial standpoint.

 

[DokterMom]

You have kids that are 8 and 13 with only being in a masters program? How old are you at this point?

I also assume you have zero assets and most likely a decent amount of debt.

If you are in the mid-late 30s before even starting an MD/PHD program, you would be mid 40s before getting out even into a residency with huge debts.

How would you ever pay down your loans? This is considering you never get sick or have any hiccups along the way.

These stories on here are NOT practical from a financial standpoint.

Interesting contribution -

@Gliabelle - Thank you for your inspiring story. It's clear your success also inspires others...

 

[MangoSupasonic]

I log in after a month or so and see a fire storm. Yikes!

 

[MangoSupasonic]

This dude is comparing marriage to a power struggle.. and if marriage is just a power struggle it really just sounds like a soon-to-be divorce.

Marriage is not supposed to be about who has what career or who makes (insert pre-determined dollar amount here).

You marry someone because you like who they are as a person (I HOPE).
When one person is going through something, the other person chimes in to pick up the slack.
This applies as much to men as it does women.

As this applies to the OP, it seems like her husband is ready to pick up the slack. So don't tell her that she shouldn't follow her dreams because of some bulls**t statistics and "social expectations".
Tell her if this is what she wants, and if she is ready to make the sacrifice - take your best shot and show the world what you got.

I think I failed to mention that I'm currently picking up the slack so that he can finish his academic/career goals. So I totally agree with your comment, it's a give and take and being totally honest with one another.

 

[RuralMedicine]

But why can't a male physician who is married to a female physician "do the chores and take care of kids in addition to work", while the female physician advocates more time towards focusing on her career?

I am the female half of a dual physician couple. We divide up parenting responsibilities and household duties in a way that works for us and our professional responsibilities. We're both very involved parents and we work together and adapt to make it work for our family. It isn't always easy but it is possible and very worth it.

 

[iqe2010]

I know of a female surgeon who was a single mother of 2 young kids when she began her journey to become a physician. Her story was very inspirational.

Good luck, OP.

 

[BonsaiClouds]

It's a little ridiculous that other people are lecturing and moralising on how to pursue your ambitions. Of course it can be done. It won't be easy, but it can be done.

 

[DrCommonSense]

Interesting contribution -

@Gliabelle - Thank you for your inspiring story. It's clear your success also inspires others...

Sorry to rain on your "I am woman hear me roar" discussion but reality kind've sucks.

Choices need to be made or bad financial consequences are likely.

Soon I will hear cries about "how unfair it is that I have alot of student loan debt", etc etc.

 

[DokterMom]

I'm sorry that your life is sucky. Mine's pretty great, actually. Busy, challenging, but very rewarding --

Sure choices need to be made -- You can/have to do that too, right?

 

[DrCommonSense]

I'm sorry that your life is sucky. Mine's pretty great, actually. Busy, challenging, but very rewarding --

Sure choices need to be made -- You can/have to do that too, right?

Im happy for you since its all perfect financially and you have overcome all those obstacles.

Great job

 

[Hakuna Matata]

Some of the sexist comments in this thread are ridiculous.
OP- of course you can have it all. I'm in residency, married, 2 kids. Do I see my family less than I would if I were in a less grueling profession? Probably. Does that mean they have a worse life because of it? Hell no. I have an amazing family and we spend more quality time together than a lot of other non-medical families I know. Life is give and take. Do what you love. PM me if you ever want advice. Good luck.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

 

[dpmd]

You have kids that are 8 and 13 with only being in a masters program? How old are you at this point?

I also assume you have zero assets and most likely a decent amount of debt.

If you are in the mid-late 30s before even starting an MD/PHD program, you would be mid 40s before getting out even into a residency with huge debts.

How would you ever pay down your loans? This is considering you never get sick or have any hiccups along the way.

These stories on here are NOT practical from a financial standpoint.

Why make this assumption? She didn't even mention loans in her description and there is no reason to believe she walked away from the divorce penniless. Plus she mentioned an interest in the MD/Phd program which typically is associated with less debt incurred during school.

As for the OP, her husband may earn enough money that they are able to avoid much debt for her training, and considering she is doing her part to help him achieve his academic and career goals it isn't unreasonable for his to spend some time doing the same. Depending on her eventual specialty he may find his "investment"in her pays off well.

 

[Faefly]

There have been studies done that have shown a link between maternal abandonment at an early age and disfunction of the child when they grow up. Adding to that, do you really want strangers teaching your children moral values when they are just developing? Just because mommy was also gone or emotionally unavailable because she was busy chasing down "her dream"? Seems irresponsible to me.

The most pertinent age it seems is till they are around 10 years of age. If your children are over the age of ten, then going on this path seems like a decent option, if it is truly your "dream". If not, I would wait until they are, and then pursue medicine. Medical school isn't going anywhere. Its awesome that your husband is on board as well, as you are going to need all the support you can get.

I think she is allowed to follow her dreams without people telling her that her children will be ruined forever!
I don't think to be a stay mom or working mom can make kids bad or good.
What makes kids good is being a loving, supportive, mom + a good and loving father who loves and respect each other.


Would you use this guilting technique if it was a guy who shared this?


OP
Please don't listen to doubters or people who tell you can't do it.

I believe you can do it and it's a good thing that you don't share your dreams with others.

I never tell people what my real dreams are.

People don't want dreamers to reach their dreams.


Look now how dreamers are sent out of this country but that unrelated to our story..

Go for it!

 

[GypsyHummus]

You can't be in two places at once.

I think she is allowed to follow her dreams without people telling her that her children will be ruined forever!
I don't think to be a stay mom or working mom can make kids bad or good.
What makes kids good is being a loving, supportive, mom + a good and loving father who loves and respect each other.


Would you use this guilting technique if it was a guy who shared this?


OP
Please don't listen to doubters or people who tell you can't do it.

I believe you can do it and it's a good thing that you don't share your dreams with others.

I never tell people what my real dreams are.

People don't want dreamers to reach their dreams.


Look now how dreamers are sent out of this country but that unrelated to our story..

Go for it!

 

[DokterMom]

You can't be in two places at once.

You seem to assume that only a child's mother can raise a good person...

 

[GypsyHummus]

No, it takes two to tango, but generally speaking, women raise great children and men raise great adults. That is why there is scientific literature saying that the first 6 years of the child's life is the most formative. If mommy is gone all the time, that can lead to abandonment issues. That's why for thousands of years men would work and women would stay home with children. You can't uproot all 75k years of evolution or however long human history is and expect smooth sailing. That's like expecting humans to live an amphibious life style. Can you do it? I guess, but you are fighting against biology and making life tougher when you could just be a hunter and gatherer on land.

Medical school will be there when your kids are 14 years old. With parenting its pay me now or pay me later three times as much.

You seem to assume that only a child's mother can raise a good person...

 

[valid username]

I had the most amazing ObGyn elective earlier this year. A few weeks in the attending asked a few (appropriate) personal questions. Ever since that day he has called me Wonder Woman. Even when I went by months later to ask about my letter he introduced me to his students as Wonder Woman.

I really loved helping the moms. I am pretty good at it but OB is too intense for me. The third time he told me what a great OB I would be (even though I told him I wanted to go into psych) I made it very clear "Absolutely not going to happen--of course it seems like I will make a great OB. It's not very hard when Super Man is in the room!"

Of course you can do it. Of course you will make sure your children are taken care of. And OBs really are amazing. They are like mechanics who work on cars travelling down the interstate. You need to be a super hero to be an OB, so go ahead and embrace the title. Good luck to you.